Being realistic, no one is ever going to get all of that list happening at the same time, unless super unlucky!
DI engine coking is not unique to the GTI - Ford, BMW, GM et al all suffer the same problem. It's a flaw of the design, not the car maker.
DSG faults are not unique to the GTI - Take the Evo X for example, which has a comical design flaw that prevents you from selecting any gears. Box has to be stripped down to glue a sensor positioning magnet back on! Doesn't happen on VWs.
Chain wear - It's a chain. They wear out. Again, not unique to VW. They don't last forever on bikes either.
Rust is not unique to the GTI - It's steel and wants to return to it's natural iron oxide state. No escaping that. No steel body shell lasts forever. It affects all cars, even Japanese ones. If you live by the sea in a cold climate, you're on borrowed time. If you live in Florida, not so much of a problem.
Failed PCV / DVs - Again, other cars use the same design and plastic and rubber is certainly not going to last forever. GFB DV+ is a simple solution for that.
Cam follower - A bit of an internet folklore problem and not an issue on standard cars with a good oil changed in a timely fashion.
Tumble flaps - BMW 320ds used to consume them and bend intake valves. That never happens on the GTI.
Blocked oil pickup - I'll concede that is an annoying one, but it appears to be an issue with oil service intervals and/or oil quality and people spreading silicon on the sump like butter.
A/C compressor failure - never had that one but many cars suffer the same. It's dependant on the brand of pump. VW don't make those.
Wheel bearings - Ditto the chain. It's a wear item and not a design flaw.
Whiteworm on the wheels - Comes under wear and tear. Any polished aluminum surface with lacquer is vulnerable to stone chips and then corrosion. Seen on that on many other cars with that type of wheel surface. It also comes under keeping on top of the maintenance if you want show room condition forever.
Thermostat failure - Again, not a unique problem to the GTI. At least with this car it seizes open. Try an E39 BMW with it's electrically controlled thermostat that jams shut, plus the part is 5x the cost of the GTI part.
ABS sender - <Stuck record> but cheap and easy to replace.
Charcoal canister - Really? A plastic box has been listed as a flaw/problem??
Door lock module - They were a problem more on MK4s, and MK4s also used to lose their windows into the door frame all of a sudden
So long as the replacement part is an improved version (which it is), it's not a big deal and it's not like they fail every 6 months.
You didn't mention:-
Oil pump sprockets shearing off - pretty rare
Heavy oil consumption - doesn't affect all engines
Injector failure - Not really an issue until ~80K
Boost pipe bayonet rings leaking - General wear and tear
HPFP sensors cracking - Clumsy owners
Console bushes splitting - General wear and tear
Nothing on the GTI is unsolvable. Plenty of improved parts, mods and advice online covering everything. Where there's a will, there's inclination, but if the GTI is so bad, the solution is ebay, Autotrader or WBAC