BMW M5 Touring
Grow a Pair - Telling someone they don't have the balls that they SHOULD have to do something "manly"The phrase "Grow a pair" has been used for decades; only recently has it meant something to me. I first used this term a few weeks ago when I announced with great anticipation that I would be test driving the much revered BMW M5 Touring. Well it turns out I didn’t need to grow anything.
I arrived at BMW Auto Atlantic fizzing with excitement and a nervousness that can only be described as pure passion to test drive a vehicle which worldwide has been praised for its performance and practicality and just how well it combines these two important characteristics.
I was hugely disappointed.
The M5 Touring is a magnificent car. It has fantastic road presence, looks to kill and exhaust note that rumbles like thunder. In fact... My test drive is probably responsible for the floods in Pakistan - It is that astronomically good. One quick burst up to 120km per hour which only takes five seconds is enough to set off a small Avalanche in the Alps. For an Estate Wagon this is an exceptionally quick car.
But that is all it is.
I could not bring myself to like this car. I would sooner save R200 000 and buy an E46 M3 or an M5 sedan.
This particular M5 Touring was one of six in the country. Selling at a whopping R750 000 it just seemed a bit pointless - Perhaps that’s why we only have 6 in South Africa? I spent some time delving into the heart of this car and simply could not fathom why you would buy this car over the sedan version which we know is absolutely brilliant.
When you drive this car you do not feel connected to it. When you accelerate it feels like there is a distinct lag while the car processes the movement of your foot, has a ponder, makes tea, serves scones, slaughters a small fox and then remembers - Oh yes. Power. It then spends another 10 minutes deciding whether it will send all the power or less power or if it will send you veering into a wall or plants you gently into a tree. Everything on this car is run by a computer and it makes the car undriveable.
Not even a savvy 19 year old like me could figure out the BMW Idrive system. I spent over 20 minutes just getting to grips with the fact that the knob mouse button is in an awkward position. I then spent another 30 minutes trying to set up my gear ratio's, torque settings, ESP, TSC and even power steering settings. Couple that to the 30 minutes it takes just for the car to start moving once it’s figured all this out and you find that it takes almost an hour just to drive 100 metres and even then the drive is pathetic.
Not forgetting that this M5 touring had BMW's SMG gearbox which is about as useful and brilliant as a box of matches with nothing to burn. This is a truly awful gearbox. Using the term awful is too subtle. Ladies, gents - It’s sh*t. Every gear change be it in normal drive or with the flappy paddles or even in M mode were like being rear ended. With one particularly rough change I actually swore out loud and thought we had been hit by a small truck. This gearbox is as subtle as a Rolls Royce in Mitchells Plain. At one stage I realized that taking my foot off the accelerator whilst the car changed gear then accelerating again was the only way to get a smooth change.
BMW may as well have added a clutch pedal because it would have made this car just a bit more bearable.
Upon driving the vehicle and stopping for photos I began questioning the actual purpose of the M5 Touring. It is a high performance Estate. Much like the RS4 and RS6 Avant. Much like the JCW Clubman S. Much like the AMG Mercedes equivalent.
But I love those cars... Why don’t I appreciate the M5 Touring?
I feel I have figured this out. It is no prettier than the competition and it is absolutely ghastly to drive unless you are on a track and can exploit all the electronics and really push the gearbox. We then consider who buys Avant’s and Touring’s. Let’s face it - Mothers buy these cars as daily drives and dad abuses it on the weekend. Would I let my wife loose in an M5 Touring? Absolutely not.
The M button - A easy way of reverting to your preset sport settings which you spent 1 year refining in the performance menu of the Idrive system is positioned exactly where most woman (especially smokers) keep their fingers on the steering wheel. When you push this button you get two lights on the dash which makes no sense. One is a tiny exclamation and the other says "DSM" short for Dynamic Sport Mode. This button will make sure that your wife never lives a full life.
With the M button on I couldn’t safely get this car to take a turn at 40km per hour in second gear. Just a very light touch of the accelerator and I had the rear end step out and I found myself correcting a power slide only 10 metres from the entrance to BMW. All it takes is a push of one button and the car unleashes an extra 100BHP and switches off all the gadgets that actually keep it on the road.
So to summarize - Want to kill your wife and kids? Buy an M5 Touring.
I was even more astonished when the sales lady looked surprised when I asked if the sale of car included an Advanced Driving Course. I would not buy this vehicle without that. This leaves me with the following conclusion.
The M5 touring is an Estate Wagon that tries too hard and fails. You wouldn’t let your wife drive it as you love her too much and at R750 000 used (and in a state) it is hardly value for money. It is a horrible driver’s car and is only useful if you are planning to use it exclusively on the track - With your kids, wife, dog and a chest of drawers in the boot. It is too complicated for your average person and not all that fun to drive.
An Estate wagon that fails at just being that - An Estate Wagon.
In short. Save your money. I would take the M3 or the more subtle Audi RS4 Avant. Failing that.
Buy the real thing. The sedan.
Mike
