todays joke

[matsu]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place...

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .






Wait for it.

It's coming. .







The suspense is Killing you, isn't it?






She says :
'You just happened to catch my eye!'

[matsu]

BEST SCOTSMAN PICK UP LINE EVER:

A Scotsman walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was
just testing it..'

The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?

''What's so special about it?'

The Scotsman explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies

'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The Scotsman smiles, taps his watch and says,

‘Bloody thing's an hour fast!

[matsu]

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman:    Hi, Wanda!

2nd woman:   Hi, Sylvia!  How'd you die?

1st woman:    I froze to death.

2nd woman:   How horrible!

1st woman:    It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.  What about you?

2nd woman:   I died of a massive heart attack.  I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.   But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman:    So, what happened?

2nd woman:   I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.  I ran up into the attic

and searched, and down into the basement.  Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.  I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with   a heart attack and died.

1st woman:   Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
 
PRICELESS

[Sunglasses Ron]

Got this one text to me last night which made me chukkle a bit..  


Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese guy with a clip board yelling,"You Sign! You sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car parts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, "i have not ordered this?!?!?!"
Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says "You not Nissan Main Dealer?"

[matsu]

/\ lmao 

one for the lads in uniform

NO SEX SINCE 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major fo...r conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,
"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation and said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

(Gotta love military time)

[matsu]

 very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere
 with her Stammerers Action group.  She had tried every
 technique in the book without the slightest success.

 Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can  tell me the name of the town where you were born, without
 stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water.  So, who wants to go first ?"

 The Englishman piped up.
 "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.

 "That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next ?"

 The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out
 "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

 That's no better.  There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.

 How about you, Paddy  ?

 The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out
 
 "London".

 Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

 After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said "-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry!"

 

 
matsu

[Janner_Sy]

Dear Colleen Rooney

If you fancy getting wayne back, just give me a call

J. terry

xx