> A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I
> quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time...
>
> I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was
> standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three
> hours later and they're still walking about with it I thought to myself,
> these buggers have lost the plot!!
>
> I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could
> check her balance. Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.
>
> A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused
> permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel
> said, 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the
> humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'
>
> My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our
> local pet shop and they were £70!! B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get
> one cheaper off the web.
>
> Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
>
> I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a
> gravestone. "Morning." I said. "No" he replied, "just having a p**s."
>
> I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
>
> The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum
> cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death...
>
> Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was
> eat, drink and be Mary.
>
> Paddy says "Mick I'm thinking of buying a labrador so I am."
> "Sod that" says Paddy, "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
>
> I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
> biggest p***k she had ever laid her hands on.
> I said "You're pulling my leg"
>
> I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to
> inform me that they're not actually a dating agency...
>
> My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that
> 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums...
>
> A man walks into a Welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer. The bar goes
> silent as everyone stares at him...
> "Where are you from? You sound English", said a drinker.
> "I'm from just across the Severn," replies the man nervously.
> "What do you do, just across the Severn?"
> "I'm a taxidermist."
> "What on earth is one of those?"
> "I mount animals."
> "It's alright boys," shouts the barman. "He's one of us."
