New Friday Joke thread!

[Hedge]

TEACHER: IF I GAVE YOU 2 CATS, AND ANOTHER 2 CATS AND ANOTHER 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven Sir


Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven


Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Six.


Angry Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Angry Johnny: Seven!!!


Very angry Teacher: Where the f *** do you get seven from?!?!?













Very angry Johnny: Because I’ve already got a f ***in’ cat at home!!!

[Robert74]

My mates shaggin twins! I asked him how he tells them apart.... "easy" he says "julies got long hair and dereks got a moustache!!!

[monte]

Paddy and Murphy decide to by a Horse each.

Paddy says "how will we know who's horse is who's?"

Murphy says "tell you what.....I'll chop the tail off my horse, and you can have the horse with a tail, and I'll have the horse without a tail"

Paddy says "ok Murph"

Murphy goes off, chops the tail off his horse, and when he comes back Paddy has done the same  

"WTF" Murphy says.... "I was gonna have the horse with no tail! and you've gone and chopped the tail off your horse too"

Paddy says "Sorry Murph"  

"Doesn't matter" says Murphy....."I tell you what, I will chop an ear off my horse, and then you can have the horse with 2 Ears and no tail. I will have the horse with 1 ear and no tail"

Paddy says "great idea Murph"  

Murphy goes off, chops the ear off his horse, and when he comes back Paddy has done the same to his horse.  

"FFS" Murphy says.... "I was gonna have the horse with 1 ear and no tail, and now you've gone and chopped the ear off your horse too, you crazy Ba$£*rd"

Paddy says "Sorry Murph"  

"Doesn't matter" says Murphy....."I tell you what, I will chop the other ear off my horse, and then you can have the horse with 1 Ear and no tail. I will have the horse with no ears and no tail"

Paddy says "Got it Murph"

Murphy goes off, chops the other ear off his horse, and when he comes back...............Paddy has done the same.

"PADDY.... for crying out loud. You've done it again" says Murphy. "I was gonna have the horse with NO ears and NO tail, and you was supposed to have the horse with 1 ear and no tail. You've chopped the other FRICKIN EAR OFF YOUR HORSE TOO"  

"Thats it" says Murphy "Enough is enough now"

"You just have the Brown Horse and I'll have the White Horse"

 

[B3n]

Well it's almost over.
After 69 days of doing nothing a group of men in
hard hats and high visibility jackets are getting
ready to go home.

The council have finally filled in the pothole
at the end of my road

[kong86]

A man's wife hits him across the head. He says "What's that for?"
She says "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Sexy Sally written on it".

Quick as a flash he says, "That's the name of a horse I bet on today, you silly cow".

She apologises.

A week later she hits him with a frying pan!

He says "What the hell ...was that for?" She replies "Your fcuking horse phoned!!".

[monte]

Did I tell you all my "Deja Vu" joke???

[Hedge]

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

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Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'


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Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'

Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'

Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'

Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

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Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing..'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

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Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

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A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

[monte]

Did I tell you all my "Deja Vu" joke??? 

[JJ]

I braked hard but still hit the car in front.  A cute blonde got out and shouted "RAM ME UP THE @RSE WHY DON'T YOU?".
This Your Honour is where the confusion began...

[rich83]

Why did the baker have smelly hands???


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Cos he kneaded a poo!! 

[monte]

Ha @ Rich^^^

My cousins little 5yr old lad told his Gran that joke at her 60th birthday. I Pi$$ed myself laughin. 

..... although he did say, "why did the Baker have brown fingers".......

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oh ....and did I tell you my Deja Vu Joke???

[Hedge]

Just an early one to get the ball rolling.

Seamus and Murphy fancy a pint or two but don't have a lot of money between them, they can only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy says 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He goes next door to the butcher's shop and comes out with one large sausage.

Seamus is upset, and says 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

Murphy replies, 'Don't worry, just follow me.'

He goes into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Seamus is now worried. 'Now you've lost it.' he moans, 'Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replies with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers! '

They down their drinks.

Murphy says, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman notices them, goes berserk, and throws them out.

They continue this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Seamus moans 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy replies, 'How do you think I feel?? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

 

[Hedge]

ABORIGINAL FIREFIGHTERS
 
One  dark  night  in the small town of Woopwoop, W.A,  a fire started inside the local sausage  factory.
 
In a blink the building was engulfed in flames.
 
The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
 
When  the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed  to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the centre of the plant.
 
They have to be saved, so I’ll  donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings  them out and delivers them to me.'
 
But the roaring flames held the fire fighters off. 
 
Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate.
 
As the firemen arrived, the  president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.
 
Suddenly  from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into  sight. 
 
It  was the fire engine of the  nearby Baringa volunteer fire department composed mainly of Aboriginal  fire fighters over the age of  65.
 
To  everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire  engine, operated by these Aboriginal  fire fighters, passed the fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove  straight into the middle of the inferno. 
 
Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Aboriginal old timers jumped off and  began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives.
 
Within a short time,  the Baringa  old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret  recipes.
   
The  grateful sausage company president joyfully  announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to  $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Aboriginal fire fighters.
 
A  TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film.
 
The 'on camera' reporter asked  the Aboriginal fire chief, 'What are you  going to do with all that  money?'

'Well,'  said Chief Billy COKEBOTTLE, the 70-year-old  fire chief, 'de furst ting we gonnna do is fix  dem brakes on dat bloody fire truck!'

[monte]

Did I tell you my Deja Vu Joke??? 

[Hedge]

Not sure you did Monte.... 

Is it along the lines of - what's French for Deja Vu?