New Friday Joke thread!

[Hedge]

Not Friday but worthy nonetheless.

A man called home to his wife and said, ' Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Scotland with my boss and several of his friends.

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough
clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up'
'Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. '


The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.


The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.


The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?


He said, 'Yes! lots of salmon, some trout, and a few pike; but why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked?'


You'll love the answer...


The wife replied, ' I did. They're in your fishing box ..'

Never Lie To A Woman...!!!
_________________________________________________________________

Mick was walking home late at night and sees a woman lurking in the shadows.

'Twenty dollars,” she whispers.

Mick had never had a hooker before, but decides -- what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.

They're going at it for a couple of minutes when, all of a sudden, a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.

'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.

'I'm making love to me wife,' the Irishman answers sounding annoyed.

'Oh, I'm so sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'

'Well, needer did I,' says Mick, 'til ya shoined dat light in her face!!!”

[Hedge]

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."


A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."


There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that...

...the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with this one).


A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Burro who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Burro looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."


Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses.

The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.

This, of course, is the origin of the expression -- "He who has a Tate's is lost!"


A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls.

One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more.

On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road.

Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with...

Transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

[stealthwolf]

  Some very good ones there, Hedge.

[apollo13]

    Well done Hedge! I left school 15 years ago and my maths GCSE has'nt been useful...until this morning 

[Greeners]

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your will power'

 
I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.


A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet



There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know.

 

When I was younger I wanted to get a tattoo, my parents said if you have to have a tattoo, then get one somewhere that doesn’t matter. So I went to Hull and got one

 

I had amnesia once - maybe twice.

 

Originality is the art of concealing your sources

 

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

 

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

 

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

 

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers on his bus.

 

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police

 

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

 

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

 

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

 

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

 

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

 

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

 

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

[stealthwolf]

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question: "When you die and go to
heaven... which part of your body goes first?"

Susy raised her hand and said. "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Susy?"
Susy replied "because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister. I think it's your feet."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
"Now, little Johnny why do you think it would be your feet?"
Little Johnny said, "The other night Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying"OH! GOD, I'M COMING!" If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

[stealthwolf]

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all the tiresome blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While he is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket? She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said . . .

You'll love this . . .

I know you will . . .
.
.
.
.
.
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

[stealthwolf]

Murphy applied for a post at a famous Irish bank based in Dublin. A Polish chap applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview but we've decided to give the other applicant the job."

Murphy, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job!"

Manager, " We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."

Murphy, " And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"

Manager, " Simple. On question number 7 the other guy wrote down, 'I don't know.......

You put down, 'Neither do I.'

[Hedge]

 

[stealthwolf]

While in China, an American is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately consults a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you.........you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'

The man is very perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'

The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure.......we're going to have to amputate it.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not ! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies, 'Well, go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims,
'Ah, Yes, Mongolian VD.... Vewy ware disease.'

The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can you do for me? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate it !'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate........ make more money dat way.....no need to amputate.....'

Oh, thank God,!' the man replies.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'Wait two weeks.......




Fawl off by self!!!'

[stealthwolf]

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the innkeeper, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm Mike, he's Jim, we'll have two Molson Canadian beers, draught please"

The innkeeper, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

"Been on holiday yet, boys?"

"Off to England next month," says Mike. "We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?"

Jim agrees.

"Ah, England , "says the innkeeper." Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says Mike. "Hamburgers & Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're arrogant and rude.'

"So why keep going to England ?" asks the innkeeper.

Mike replies, "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

[stealthwolf]

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf and completely unaware of Tiger's identity, greets him in a typical Irish
manner.

"Top of the mornin' to ya, sir," says the attendant.

Tiger, who is familiar with Irish custom, responds with,

"And the rest of the day to you!"

Tiger gives a quick nod and bends forward to pick up the nozzle of the gasoline hose. As he does, two golf tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"And what on the good earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.

"Feckin Jaysus," says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything”

[stealthwolf]

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'

The Aussie said 'One!'

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?'

'£124,237.64p.'

The manager choked and exclaimed '£124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4.

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...



' Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'

[stealthwolf]

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads... He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing. Anyway... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother.
"Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads," begs her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?"

"Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes: "Abracapokus! You're brown!"

The toad looks down and sees that he is brown ! Except..... for his weenie, which is still yellow.

"Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still yellow!"

"Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she says, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that." So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes okay it's a coincidence, but it's true).

"Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" says the purple bear, "I can't pull any bearesses cos they don't want to be seen with me on account of the hunters. They can spot me from a mile off."

Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand. "Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here." she says. And with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"

The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple.

"Hold up sweetheart!", he says to the fairy godmother, "My goolies are still purple!"

"Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."

"Well that's just dandy, innit?" the bear replies, "How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?"

"Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off.....just follow the yellow-dick toad !! "

[94Luke]

What's the capital of Ireland? About €20.