New Friday Joke thread!

[stealthwolf]

A banker, a Daily Mail reader and a benefit claimant are sitting at a table sharing 12 biscuits.

The banker takes 11 and says to the Daily Mail reader:

"Watch out for the benefit claimant, he wants your biscuit".

[rich83]

 Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidently swigged from a bottle of Tipex. I woke this morning with a huge correction.

[Hedge]

Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, so try this one:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Bhuddist and an African went to a Bangkok night club.

The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai!"

[rich83]

I asked my grandmother for "something Cuban" for my birthday, and she got me a Che Guevara shirt. Clothes, but no cigar! 

[Hedge]

Nice Rich. 

[Hedge]

I was visiting my wife in hospital because she has a wounded leg.

The doctor said, "Can you describe what happened please."

I said, "Well, she got shot."

He said, "You'll have to be more accurate."

I said, "I know, but I'm not very experienced with guns."

[vRS Carl]

Just got sent this in an Email and it tickled me so thought i'd share it (Cheers Stu )


Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"

"Feels great," he replied, "but I still think my thumb's broken!"

[Hedge]

Early one.

I went to the gym yesterday and said to a trainer, ' Which machine can I use to impress that beautiful blonde over there ?'
He looked at me and replied, ' Try the cash machine outside the front door you fat barstewards !!   

[rich83]

^^^ 

[Hedge]

Two businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...  As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. 

One said to the other, "I bet you any minute now some nosey old pensioner is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling, guaranteed...." 

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old bloke shuffled over to the window, pressed his nose to the glass and asked,  "What are you selling here then?"

One of the men rolled his eyes and replied sarcastically,

"We're selling @rse-holes." 

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said,


"You must be doing well...Only two left."

And shuffled off.

[Greeners]

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to 
the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the 
lady 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door in disgust...

The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and 
he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'. She slams 
the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells 
him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife 
in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be 
home just in case this guy shows up again'. The next morning they hear a 
knock at the door and both run for the door.

The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to 
hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to 
answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'.

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same 
fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do you have 
vagina'....... 'Yes' she says...... The man replies Good! Would you mind 
telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours'?

[Greeners]

1. Two blokes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - ..."If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't
reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said "No, the steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,"'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off."

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft, it sank.
This proved once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of home "
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well" says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck
up my bum."
"How's that?"
" Now don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my
younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
But I think its Colin.

18. Police arrested two kids yesterday.
One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

19. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen.
It said, 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice.

20. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
several places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore."
 

[Hedge]

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.

They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"

Shocked, I answered, " Yes."

They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

[bigeyd]

Marlon King has signed for Birmingham City today.
I think Carson Yung 9the Chairman of Brum) may have been a little confused.
Alex McLeish asked for SIX ATTACKERS.

[Hedge]

Not like me to be late but:-

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told  that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not  reached a state of spiritual purity.
   
The beautiful model danced before  the first candidate with no reaction..
   
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the  priests until she got to the final  priest, Carlos.
   
Poor Carlos.
 
As she danced in front of him, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the  ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
   
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came  to rest.
 
He bent over to pick it up.... and all the other bells started to ring.