New Friday Joke thread!

[monte]

Fella sees a Jamaican putting up a sign, 'Boat For Sale'.

The man looks but all he sees is a caravan and a jeep.

He goes up to the Jamaican and asks,

"Where's the boat? All I see is a caravan and a jeep."

"Ya mon",

replies the Jamaican,

"and they boat for sale"

[Hedge]

 

[simonp]

Might be an old one?

I went down stairs this morning to see my wife face down on the kitchen floor, she wasn't breathing and I could feel the panic taking me over........

Then I remembered, McDonald's serves breakfast until 10.30.

[simonp]

As I answered the door dressed in high heels, stockings and suspenders, leather mini skirt and bright red lipstick, the Avon lady asked "Hello sir, is your wife at home?"

To which I replied "Take a wild guess, love!"

[MC71]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[simonp]

I was watchin an 18 film with my little boy earlier. He said, dad I'm getting scared is that lady goin to die? I said, probably son judging by the size of that horse's cock!

[vRS Carl]

This is how fights get started

[Hedge]

Picture no worky Carl.

It should look like this folks.

[vRS Carl]

Works for me 

[MC71]

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!

[simonp]

A woman goes to the doctor.

"Doctor" she says "I have a problem. Every time I walk I fart."

"Really" he says "would you mind just walking across the floor for me?" She does and sure enough a series of farts are emitted. "And would you mind walking back again?". More farts are heard.

With that he reaches under his desk and pulls out a large rod with a hook on the end.

"You aren't going to stick that up my arse, are you doctor?"

"No I'm going to open the window, it stinks in here!"

[simonp]

I was depressed last night so I called the Samaritans. Got put through to a call centre in Afghanistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[monte]

Bob is waiting for the bus to turn up.
He is severely disabled.
He has no arms or legs and he is propped up against the bus stop.

The bus pulls up to the stop and Bobs mate Brian is getting off!

Brian says "alright Bob......how you getting on?"

[simonp]

A fellow enters a barbershop for a shave. As the barber is lathering him up the man complains, "I never seem to be able to get a close enough shave in the cheek area."

The barber says, "I have just the thing," and produces a small wooden ball from the drawer. "Place this between your cheek and gum." The fellow does so and gets the closest shave he has ever had.

Through garbled speech he asks, "But what if I swallow it?" "No problem," replies the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

[simonp]

A Polish woman stows away on a ship, hoping to make a new life in America. After 3 weeks she is discovered and brought before the Captain.

What are you doing aboard my ship without a ticket?" he enquires.

She replies "One of your sailors helped me sneak on board and I am to make a new life in America. He brings me 3 meals a day and in return I let him f*** me every night"

The Captain says "Oh he's f***ing you alright. This is the Isle Of Wight ferry!"