New Friday Joke thread!

[StephenED30]

The Euro English

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro English”.

In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly , this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k”. This should klear up confusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

 There will be growing enthusiasm in the second year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords containing “ou” and after ziz fifz yer,v evil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

[MC71]

Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls?
A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice!

[MC71]

 Q: How do you tell if a woman is too fat to f**k ?
 A: When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them!!
 

[Horatio]

I was coming home from work today and I saw a Nun riding on a Clowns back. Now that’s just virgin on the ridiculous

I put my mobile phone in a big sea shell today, so I can use it whilst driving, if the police see me they'll just think I'm listening to the sea.

My wife says im way too condescending ....(that means i speak down to people)

Transvestites... they've got some balls

 

[Top Cat]

An American tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies: "They have to go backwards. If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat."

[vRS Carl]

An American tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies: "They have to go backwards. If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat."

I actually lol'd at that 

[monte]

 

[monte]

The government has advised us to be careful that we are not being sold fake tickets for the olympics.

Just checked, and my tickets for the men's wheelchair triple jump seem genuine enough 

[monte]

England could be disqualified from the Euros after complaints that Rooney may have been using performance enhancing rugs.

[monte]

I've got nothing against gays.

In fact alot of my friends....


....have nothing against gays either.

[monte]

I saw a TV For Sale in a shop window for £1.

The note also said that the volume was stuck on Full hence the cheap price!


I thought, I can't turn that down. 

[stealthwolf]

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked.. "I want to see Valerie," the man replied. "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam. "No, I must see Valerie," he replied. Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left..

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000. Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh ."

"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person..."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain...
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

[stealthwolf]

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery!
I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

[stealthwolf]

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Asda, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.

"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear."

"Yes sir, I understand your concern and I'll try harder."

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, "It's odd though your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning so late and so often?"

The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled.He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin,

"They usually saluted and said, 'Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, Sir ?”

[stealthwolf]

While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her:

"Your heart,lungs, pulse and BP are fine.....
Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."


The lady started taking off her panties.....


Doctor, stopping her:

"No! No! Please put on your clothes.

Just show me your tongue! "