New Friday Joke thread!

[monte]

Fifty shades of grey.(yorkshire edition)

After point blank refusing to fork out for lube, he smeared her back doors in margarine and began masterfully heightening her pleasure.

She screamed...

"You tight barstewards, I can't believe it's not butter"

[MC71]

Two interesting facts about me......



1) My penis is the same length as 2 Argos pens. 




2) I'm banned from Argos... 

 

[matsu]

whenever youre feeling down or depressed .....remember......youre the sperm that won!!!

[MC71]

A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.

"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs."

[MC71]

An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him.

After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him.

She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina".

The old guy says "God, I hope so, you've got the ugliest tits I've ever seen."

[monte]

# # SKY SPORTS NEWS #

Paralympic update...

Forty four spectators dead in the Epileptic clay pigeon shooting competition!!

[Sunglasses Ron]

What's yellow and smells or Marge...



Homer's c*ck.. 

[Sunglasses Ron]

I got in touch with my inner self today.

That's the last time I buy Tesco Value toilet roll. 

[Kalpsn2000]

An irritating friend took a drink from my girlfriend’s beer and said, “Haha, this is one step from kissing your girlfriend!”

“Yes it is,” I replied “and two steps from sucking my dick.”

[MC71]

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examining his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."

The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

[gazon69]

7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40

[CAPTAIN BRITAIN]

There was a young man called Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave
He said, I admit, she does smell a bit
But look at the money I'll save.

[monte]

Man marries a deaf girl.

He says "We need to work out a code"…..

"If I want sex, I'll stroke your tits"

"To reply, just pull my cock Once for YES….and 62 times for NO"

 

[monte]

Bought the wife some new perfume called "Chloroform".

She doesn't like it,

She says it makes her sleepy and her bum sore.

[monte]

I called my boss this morning and said,

"I won't be coming in today, the car won't start."

......"What about the bus?" he asked.

"I haven't got a bus" I said.