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Author Topic: New Friday Joke thread!  (Read 146452 times)

Offline MC71

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #555 on: October 19, 2012, 04:49:19 pm »
^^^^ love that Abu Hamza one.  :signLOL:
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Offline monte

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #556 on: October 19, 2012, 06:16:19 pm »


One sick individual, now universally loathed by a nation for shafting the innocent.

.....Seen here with Jimmy Saville.
 

Offline Kalpsn2000

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #557 on: October 20, 2012, 12:02:27 am »
Txt message:

Our records indicate that you were once felt up by Jimmy Saville and could be entitled to £2147 in compensation.
Just reply "how's about that then" to register or to opt out just text "stop Jimmy stop".
Register before the end of the month and get a free "Lawyers 4 U fixed it for me" medal.
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Offline sub39h

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #558 on: October 28, 2012, 10:05:44 am »
"I know women like to be mysterious but turn signals are for safety purposes."
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Offline monte

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #559 on: October 31, 2012, 02:46:04 am »
Night Phone Call To The Vet

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbor's male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied.
 



Offline Hedge

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #560 on: October 31, 2012, 01:15:53 pm »
A new sign in the Bank reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:

1... Drive up to the ATM.

2. LOWER your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Raise window.

7. Drive off..

*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:

(Unfortunately, most of this is true.!!)

1. Drive up to ATM machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN ...

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to ATM machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and drive off.

25. Redial person on mobile phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 kilometres.

27. Release Hand Brake.

Offline MC71

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #561 on: October 31, 2012, 02:44:53 pm »
^^^^ love that, especially this bit...

26. Dive for 2 or 3 kilometres

27. Release Hand Brake

 :signLOL: :signLOL: :signLOL: ....... So true!

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Offline Kalpsn2000

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #562 on: October 31, 2012, 05:19:17 pm »
^^^ Brilliant Hedge :happy2:
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Offline Hedge

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #563 on: November 20, 2012, 09:08:13 pm »
Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.

When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!

Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?'

Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $200.'
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2PM Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les's house at 2PM sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $200 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Les came home from golf at 6pm. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'
With a lump in her throat Sue answered, 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $200?'
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $200.'
Les, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed $200 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player

 :signLOL:

Offline MC71

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #564 on: November 20, 2012, 09:20:53 pm »

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying barstewards! You've been playing golf!".


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Offline MC71

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #565 on: November 20, 2012, 09:24:56 pm »
An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for £100?"

"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for £1,000?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for £10,000?!"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, £10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.

As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'
"Nah," says the little old man... "Costs too much!"
« Last Edit: November 20, 2012, 09:33:06 pm by MC71 »
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Offline MC71

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #566 on: November 20, 2012, 09:31:54 pm »
What a woman says...

This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears...

blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!

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Offline MC71

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #567 on: November 20, 2012, 09:37:39 pm »
"Take me back to your place and do me up the a*se!" Some fat girl demanded last night.

"I would but I don't have any lubricant," I said.

"Oh you won't need any, I'm very loose," she winked.

"Maybe so," I replied, "but my door frame is very narrow."

  :laugh:
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Offline Hedge

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #568 on: November 20, 2012, 09:46:31 pm »
 :signLOL:

Offline monte

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #569 on: November 20, 2012, 10:34:30 pm »
Paddy is up late one night watching BabeStation on Sky.

He sees the number at the bottom of the screen and grabs the phone.

"Hi Sexy, What can I do for you tonight?" He hears,

Paddy says...."You see that sofa you're lying on?"

"Yes" she replies,

Paddy says "quick jump over the back of it and hide"

"Oh Kinky" she says...."but why?"

Paddy says "I can here the wife coming downstairs and I can't find the fookin remote"

 :laugh: