New Friday Joke thread!

[Hedge]

The Story of Adam & Eve's Pets

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal
And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail 

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'


And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased . . . . . .

And Dog was happy. . . . .

And Cat didn't give a sh!t one way or the other....

[Hedge]

When love fades...

A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen.

What would you like for dinner Love ? Chicken, beef or lamb ?

He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

“F#ck You. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."

[Hedge]

I only forward this in case it helps you save a life!
 

A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress,  and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey
The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,  yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her butt.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
 
Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it.'
 

[stealthwolf]

 

[stealthwolf]

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed
to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad
news. The donkey's died.'

Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.' The farmer
said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'

Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer
asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, 'You
can't raffle a dead donkey!'

Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened
with that dead donkey?'

Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a
piece and made a profit of £898'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Paddy said, 'Just the
guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back.'

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland

[stealthwolf]

An Inspector comes to a school in Glasgow and
asks a child in the first class he enters

" Who knocked down the walls of Jericho?"

" Please, sur, it wisny me " says the child.

The inspector is not impressed and takes the matter up with the teacher who says...

" Well if wee Jimmy says he didnae knock down the walls of Jericho..... then I'll believe him!"

The Inspector... even less impressed now.... goes to the Headmaster and tells him that not only does one of his pupils not know who knocked down the walls of Jericho, but his TEACHER doesn't know either......

.....at which point the Headmaster gets out his wallet and says......

" Well if I offer to pay for the damage do you think we could forget all about it ?"

[stealthwolf]

A white man is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The chap makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear. The next thing the man knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful lovers. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are two people dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead. As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies.

One blonde genie says to the other one," I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful lovers in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me."

[stealthwolf]

Husband and wife in church, getting up from a kneeling position the wife lets go a fart...

Wife: Dear, I've just let go a silent fart, what should I do?

Husband: Change your hearing aid batteries.

[stealthwolf]

A wife is really unhappy about the fact that whenever her husband gets drunk he snore. She is wittering on at a mother's meeting and one of the other mothers says "I had that problem and I found if I tied a ribbon around my husband's testicles he stopped snoring"
That night her husband goes out and gets really drunk. It is raining on the way home and for reasons only know to a drunk trying to find his way home he comes across a dog and he decides that the dog deserves to be in a nice warm house. He comes home leaves the dog in the kitchen gets into bed next to his wife and within seconds is snoring.
She can't stand the noise so after a bit she roots about in the cupboard and finds a bit of blue ribbon and ties it around his testicles. Perfect peace but not quite quiet, she can hear snoring from downstairs. She goes downs stairs and sees a dog snoring so she finds another bit of ribbon this time red and ties it around the dogs balls. Then sh goes to sleep. The next day she gets up and goes to work.
The husband gets up and while dressing finds the ribbon. He is a bit confused, then he goes downstairs and finds the dog.He says to the dog. Well chum I can't remember a thing about last night but I came first and you came second.

[stealthwolf]

An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident. In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.


'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question..'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move..

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up.. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what would you say?'

[stealthwolf]

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything..

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered ....


.....


'THE TEETH'.

[stealthwolf]

A man attends his GP's surgery and says"Doc,I've got a sex problem!"

The Doctor enquires sympathetically"What's wrong?"

The guy replies "Well,first of all my wife wakes me at 5am for a 2 hour sex session every morning before I go to work!"

The Doctor nods and is about to speak when the man continues

"That's not all...on the train to work there's a blonde conductress who lets me off paying my fare if I shag her!"

"I see !" said the Doctor.

"No, you don't ! cos, once I'm at work my female boss tells me that I have to service her regularly or I'll lose my job!My secretary also demands sexual favours from me so that she won't tell my wife that I'm shagging my boss !!! Then to top it off, the conductress is after me on the train journey home , and my wife pounces on me as soon as I get through the front door !"

The dumbfounded Doctor asks "So what exactly is your problem ?!"







"Well, Doc .... you see it hurts when I wank !!"

[Greeners]

It's been so cold recently that even the politicians had their hands in their own pockets!
 
 
Harry: How did you find the weather while you were away?
 
Tom: It was just outside the front door!
 
 
I'm saving for a rainy day, so far I've got a pair of wellingtons, a canoe and two umbrellas!
 
Little Johnny walks into his classroom wearing a single glove. His teacher asks him why?
"Well," says Johnny, "I was watching the weaher report on TV and it said it was going to be sunny, but on the other hand it could get quite cold."
 
 
Tom arrives at a hotel in a Scottish village on a cold, grey, drizzly day. The weather remains the same for two weeks. Exasperated, Tom stops a little boy in the street and asks;
 
"Does the weather here ever change?"
 
"I don't know," replies the boy. "I'm only six."
 
People always complain about the weather - but no one ever seems to do anything about it!
 
What's a bigamist?    An Italian fog!

[VC]

two parrots on a perch, one says to the other.. "can you smell fish?"

[stealthwolf]