New Friday Joke thread!

[monte]

Love the fathead joke 

[monte]

Just been in the fridge....

Checked my Tesco burgers...



...and they're off.

[MC71]

^^^^ 


Whatever next? My Lidl pony?

Tesco hate being saddled with this story. Their PR agency must be bridling too. They'll just have to get the bit between their teeth.

The police are doing a door to door enquiries about these horse burgers. They will soon have covered the whole Neigh-bourhood.

I've tried Sainsbury's and Tesco burgers and I have to say Tesco wins by a nose.


Never having another one of those Tesco burgers. Gave me the trots.

I see absolutely no problem with horsemeat in my burgers, which is why my mane is so glossy and I'm running in the 3:10 at Kempton

Can't believe that woman was sent to hospital after eating a horse meat burger...... Her condition is said to be stable

[Veee-dubber]

I suppose with all these horse puns aimed at Tesco it takes abit of pressure off Jimmy Saddle

[Degudodger]

I hear Sarah Jessica Parker has been announced as the new face of Tesco's beef burgers.

[Mk5 GTian]

HER: "Why is he ignoring me? Does he no longer find me attractive? Has he fallen out of love with me? Is there another woman? Do I no longer interest him intellectually? Am I being emotionally needy? Am I not good enough in bed for him? HIM: "I just don't know which cold air intake to go for: EVOMS or REVO?"

[Hedge]

Keith and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll try being a hooker.
She's not quite sure what to do, so Keith says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy.
Tell him you charge a hundred dollars.
Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner."
She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a guy pulls up and asks "How much?"
She says, "A hundred dollars."

He replies, "All I got is thirty."
She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Keith and asks.
"What now. What can he get for thirty?"
"A hand job," Keith replied.
She runs back and tell the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job.
 He agrees and she gets in the car.
He unzips his trousers, and out pops this HUGE willy.
She stares at it for a few seconds, then says.
"I'll be right back..." She runs back to Keith.
 "What's wrong?" he asks.

"Any chance you could lend this guy seventy dollars?"

[monte]

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow! You had a bad day?"

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." he replies.

The next day the guy is back and asked for the same drinks again.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back,

"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy comes back into the bar and orders another six double vodkas.

The bartender says, "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?".


"Yeah, my wife…" he replies.

[Hedge]

 

[camfollower]

Hasn't that been told b4.. lol... we're now repeating jokes.; maxed completely out.

[monte]

Hasn't that been told b4.. lol... we're now repeating jokes.; maxed completely out.

Ill say no. Feel free to search for it though 

[camfollower]

Hasn't that been told b4.. lol... we're now repeating jokes.; maxed completely out.

Ill say no. Feel free to search for it though 

Lmao, it's in there alright... I think.

[Hedge]

Possible repost. 

Jeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
 
"Name's Stan, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00.
 
"Great", says Jeff, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
 
As Stan is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinkin!"
 
"Not a problem" says Jeff. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
 
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too."
 
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right and, if not, I can handle myself pretty well .....I'll be there. Thanks again."
 
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"
 
"Now that's really not a problem" says Jeff, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
 
"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

[camfollower]

Squeal piggy.

[stealthwolf]

Tim decided to marry his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes.

His new wife was standing there watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally spoke.

“Tim,darling now that we are married I think it's time you gave up golf. Perhaps you should consider selling your clubs?”

Tim looked horrified. She said, “Darling, what's wrong?”

“Just for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.” Tim replied.

“Ex wife!” she gasped, “You didn't tell me you'd been married before!”

“I haven't!” He replied.