New Friday Joke thread!

[stealthwolf]

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman sitting next to him started to breastfeed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."

Finally the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid, make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

[stealthwolf]

Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a New Zealand dairy farmer.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'Then the farmer leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks,
'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'
That's simple, by the nail over its stall', Maggie explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'
She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, ......'I guess it's to hang your trousers on.'

[stealthwolf]

In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1998 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort"

[Stanipkiss]

In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1998 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort"

out loud
used to call them Ford clitoris as every cun* had 1

[Mk5 GTian]

Jeremy Beadle would have loved the ipad. On the other hand, he'd have preferred an iphone.

[monte]

Ah the old Beadle jokes. 

There will be quite a few here that won't even know Jezzer and his freaky hand 

[monte]

 Tim decided to marry his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes.

His new wife was standing there watching him. After a long period of silence she finally spoke.

“Tim Darling now that we are married I think it's time you gave up golf. Perhaps you should consider selling your clubs."  Tim looked horrified.

She said, “Darling, what's wrong?"

"For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife.” Tim replied.

“Ex wife!” she gasped, “You didn't tell me you'd been married before!"

“I haven't!” He replied.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

[MC71]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

[MC71]

A fellow went off on his honeymoon, and after returning meets up with a friend for a beer and conversation.

 The friend, being single and a pervert to boot, begins to inquire as to the festivities of the honeymoon. "So, Bob, big married man, did ya get any while you were out there?" the friend asks.

Bob just shakes his head. "Ah, you know me. I like to fish. So I just fished."

His friend gasps. "You mean you didn't have no sex? C'mon, Bob, tell me at least got a blowjob!"

Bob again shakes his head. "Naw, she had pyorrhea, so I just fished. You know I like to fish."

His friend replies, "Bob, she's your god damn wife! She's gotta give it up when you say! You should just made her do it!"

Bob replies, "Nah, she had gonorrhea, and you know me. I like to fish, so I just fished."

His friend, now quite upset, says, "What?! Why didn't ya just pork it up her ass?"

"Well," says Bob, "she had diarrhea...and you know me, I like to fish. So I just fished."

His friend, totally exasperated by this point, shouts at him, "Jesus! Why'd you marry this sick bitch anyway?!"

Bob replies, "Well, she got worms, and you know how I like to fish..."

 

[stealthwolf]

Tim decided to marry his long time girlfriend.

I take it you missed the one I posted a few days ago: http://www.mk5golfgti.co.uk/forum/index.php/topic,6205.msg677727.html#msg677727 ?

[Mk5 GTian]

I can't wait to get home and whip my bird's knickers off.





They're chafing like buggery.

[monte]

Tim decided to marry his long time girlfriend.

I take it you missed the one I posted a few days ago: http://www.mk5golfgti.co.uk/forum/index.php/topic,6205.msg677727.html#msg677727 ?

Whoops 

[MC71]

^^^^ 

[Ash3000k]

Has anyone tested Tesco's veggie burgers for uniquorn yet? (sorry)

[Ash3000k]

Scientist: "Sir, we've discovered horse meat in your burgers." Tesco boss: "Why the long face?"