New Friday Joke thread!

[MC71]

Last one.....


A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt". Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful butt. He looks and says, "You do have a beautiful butt". She then tells the man she wants Beautiful butt tattooed on her ass. The man tells her "I can't fit that on your ass, it takes up too much space. But I tell you what, I will tattoo the letters B and B, one on each cheek and that can stand for beautiful butt. She agrees and gets it done.

On the man's birthday she hears him come home and is only wearing a robe. She then stands at the top of the stairs. He opens the door and she says "look honey." She then takes off the robe she is wearing, bends over, and the man yells "WHO THE F*CK IS BOB?"!

[Hedge]

 

[MC71]

Hopefully not a repost, tis an old one.....

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the world famous French fighter pilot! When I kiss the lips of a beautiful women, I do it with red wine!"

When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Champagne and pours it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre world famous French fighter pilot! When I kiss the breasts of a beautiful women, I do it with Champagne!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero removes Marie's knickers, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap, strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, what in the hell do you think you're doing?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

 

[Hedge]

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you 'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling her nipples she began to lose patience and said.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, “Yesterday."

***********

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Great legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

[Kalpsn2000]

 

Might be a repost but here are couple:

A drunk walks into a bar, orders a shot and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt. "Wha' my gonna do now? My wifez gonna kill me."

"Relax," the bartender says, "give me a five-dollar bill." The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy's shirt pocket. "Tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned."

"Thass a great idea!"

When the drunk gets home his wife answers the door. "Where have you been? What happened to your shirt?"

He tries to put on a sober voice and says, "Relaaax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me five bucks to have my shirt cleaned."

The drunk's wife reaches in his pocket, grabs the money, and says, "There's $10 in here!"

"Oh yeah, he sh*t my pants, too."

***********

A Native American walks into a bar with a cat, a bag of sh*t and a shotgun. He asks for a bottle of whiskey and immediately downs it. He throws the bag of sh*t up in the air, shoots it with his shotgun, and takes a big bite of the cat's ass.

The bartender asks, "Buddy, what the hell are you doing?"

The Native American responds, "I want to be like the white man: get drunk, shoot the sh*t and eat pussy."

[simonp]

I told the wife, 'I have just got a new job having sex live on stage in a swingers club'

She said, 'Are you having me on?'

I replied, 'I'll ask, but so far they've all been slim & pretty!'

[Eccie]

  I nearly spat my coffee over my ipad

[simonp]

A woman is standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off.
A passing tramp stops & says, "Since you're about to kill yourself, if you don't mind, could we have sex, please?"
The woman says, "No, go away!"
The tramp turns to leave & mutters, "Fine, I'll just go & wait at the bottom."

[pitsirikas]

[simonp]

A man goes to confession after a 16 year absence. As he sits in the booth, he looks around and says to the the priest, "Confessions have really changed Father. I don't remember a leather chair, Guinness on tap and gay porn mags being in the booth before?" The priest replied, "That's my feckin' seat, swap sides!"

[Loooda]

haha :) this has just entertained my office for a good while!

[monte]

Took the missus out for a romantic meal last night. 

We played footsie under the table while we were eating. 


I had a lovely steak and she got toed in the hole. 

[Hedge]

 

[stealthwolf]

Made me lol: https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7579798272/h107EA079/

[vRS Carl]

Made me lol: https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7579798272/h107EA079/