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Author Topic: New Friday Joke thread!  (Read 146424 times)

Offline Hedge

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #750 on: September 24, 2013, 10:33:24 pm »
Contemporary Philosophers

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn
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When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu
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America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman
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I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. dammit, I'm a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes
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After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb
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Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind
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The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr
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I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
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You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
~ Jeff Foxworthy
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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.
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Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford
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The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan
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Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall
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Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.
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Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
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We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ WH Auden
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In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Jonathan Katz
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If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson
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I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
~ Arthur C Clarke
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Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin
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Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante
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America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell
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The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts
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If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport
~ Jonathan Winters
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I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
~ Robert Benchley

Offline Hedge

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #751 on: September 24, 2013, 10:34:01 pm »
Fifty Sheds Of Grey


We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall...
But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was
The only place for a good shed.


She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."
So I took her to McDonalds.


She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then
Harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.


Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.


"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."


"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be
punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.


"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"
"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.


"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the
Receipt.


"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."


"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.


"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.


"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently
massaging my back as we listened to her Eartha Kit CD.

Offline doylebros

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #752 on: September 25, 2013, 06:03:30 pm »

Psychology vs Law


A man is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asks a girl: "Do you mind if I sit at this table?" 

The girl replied in a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"All the students in the library started staring at the man; he was really embarrassed and moved to another table. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man’s table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I expect you felt embarrassed, right?"

The man responded in a loud voice: "₤500 FOR ONE NIGHT? You must be mad!" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.The man whispered to her:"I study law, and I know how to screw people."

Offline Hedge

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #753 on: October 02, 2013, 10:43:20 pm »
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip  to Rome with her husband.. 

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who  responded: " Rome?  Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.  You're crazy to go to Rome.  So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply.  "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser.  "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.  So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further.  I know that place.  Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser.  "You and a million other people trying to see him.  He'll look the size of an ant.  Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.  You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.  The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman,  "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes,  but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class.  The food and wine were wonderful,  and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and  foot..   And the hotel was great!  They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a  jewel,  the finest hotel in the city.  They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser,  "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the  Pope." 

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.  Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!  I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

"Oh, really!  What'd he say?" 


He said: "Who f*cked up your hair?"

Offline doylebros

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #754 on: October 04, 2013, 03:01:46 pm »
glass of wine

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine and those who don't and are always
seen with a bottle of water in their hand:

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 litre of water each day,
at the end of the year we would have absorbed
more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria
found in faeces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop annually.

However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or rum, whiskey or other liquor)
because alcohol has to go through a purification process
of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of Sh*t.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service.
 
 

Offline Hedge

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #755 on: October 04, 2013, 11:52:31 pm »
My dad worked on the roadwork’s for twenty years before he
got fired for stealing!
At first I didn't believe it.... but when I got home all the signs were there.

xxxxxxxxxx

I'm fed up with the excuses women come out with to avoid
having sex, like;
"I'm tired, I'm washing my hair, I've got a headache, I'm your sister...

xxxxxxxx

A recent survey reported that three quarters of men don't
know how to turn on the dish washer.
I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering
usually does the trick.

xxxxxxxxx

My girlfriend says that a small penis won’t affect our
relationship.
Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't have
one at all!

xxxxxxxxxx

A woman is walking down the street and see's a sign in the
pet shop window reading, "FANNY LICKING FROG £25". Curious, the woman proceeds inside and says to the
shop keeper, "I'd like to see the fanny licking frog please."
The shop keeper replies, " Mais oui madame, bonjour!"

xxxxxxxxxx

My son asked me today "What's the difference between a
crow and a blackbird?" I told him, "Crows have somewhat heavier
beaks, fan shaped tails and live on insects. A blackbird has big rubbery lips,
a fat arse and lives on benefits."

xxxxxxxxxx

Everyone's a comedian nowadays.
Even the paramedic who was unable to resuscitate Whitney
couldn't avoid a gag!
When he radioed dispatch and said "It's Houston , we have a problem!"

xxxxxxxxxxx

Offline doylebros

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #756 on: October 05, 2013, 06:38:58 pm »
A young Geordie woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia, the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on every night he’d bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of White Ferry."

Offline doylebros

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #757 on: October 08, 2013, 06:52:06 pm »
A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch," he said. "How much will you charge me ..... ?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50 .... ?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint, brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house .... ?"

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it ..... ?" he responded.

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those Dumb blonde jokes."

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already ..... ??" the startled husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.
"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's an Audi."

Offline Hedge

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #758 on: October 08, 2013, 10:43:20 pm »
A woman was standing before the bedroom mirror, admiring herself in her new outfit before going out. She posed this way and that before her husband, who looked on with dis-interest, then remarked,
'Your arse is the size of a 3-burner BBQ!'
Later that evening, tucked up and cosy in bed he lent over, tapped her
On the shoulder, and said, 'How about it'?
She replied 'No thanks, It's not worth lighting the whole BBQ for half a sausage!'

Offline doylebros

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #759 on: October 09, 2013, 02:50:04 pm »
The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy ?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found ? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
 
"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

 

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation .....she never got your E-mail!"

 

Offline doylebros

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #760 on: October 10, 2013, 05:58:52 pm »
An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep sh*t now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,


"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.


"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says ......


"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...


Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull sh*t and brilliance only come with age and experience.

 
 

Offline simonp

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #761 on: October 10, 2013, 06:12:47 pm »
Squirrel!

Offline stealthwolf

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #762 on: October 10, 2013, 09:31:12 pm »
A man starts a new job at the zoo and is given 3 tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moved on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South African bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to the other lions and says

'What's the food like here?'

The lions say:

'Absolutely brilliant......



Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees.'

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Offline doylebros

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #763 on: October 16, 2013, 10:45:58 pm »
86-year old lady's letter to bank...
 
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
 
Dear Sir:

 
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month..
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to  honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight  years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for  the inconvenience caused to your bank.  My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has  caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

 
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the  impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

 
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no  longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must  nominate.
 
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any otherperson to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application  Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much  about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be  accompanied by documented proof. In due
course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access  my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

 
Let me level the playing field even further.
 
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later  date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier .
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for  the duration of the call..

 
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I  wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

 
Your Humble Client

 
(Remember: This was written by an  86 year old woman) 'YA JUST GOTTA LOVE ' US SENIORS' !!!!!

Offline WolverineMAc

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #764 on: October 21, 2013, 09:39:36 am »
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and Needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz.

The car is parked on th...e street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Finally... a smart blonde joke.
Mk5 Gti Edition 30, Manual, Tornado Red