New Friday Joke thread!

[doylebros]

Few quickies!


Since the snow came all my wife has done is look through the window.                                              
If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
Nothing.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they
tested positive for WD40.

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's
Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.

ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another
Thai Brothel!!!

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they
can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut..

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, "Forget the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"!

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look
horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans
over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you
think I should do?'  He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

[vRS Carl]

This made me chuckle today.

David Cameron was visiting a primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked David if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So, Britain's illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'

'Incorrect,' said David. 'That would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not', explained David, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. David searched the room.

'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said: 'If a plane carrying you and Nick Clegg was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic' exclaimed David, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either!

[doylebros]

Very good for the one above

 My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you barstewards!"  "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay

[doylebros]

Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London .
Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.

The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair".

Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of those and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune.
Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking
'cause if they hear our accents, they might think we're thicko's from Ireland and try to screw us. I'll put on me best English accent."

"Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da business" said Mick.
They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load 'em on, so I will."

The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland , aren't you?"

"Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"

The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners."
 
 
 
 

[doylebros]

Little kid catches his mom and dad having sex.  He says, "What are you doing?"

His father says, "We are making you a little brother."

The boy answers, "Why don't you do it doggy style, and make me a puppy!"

[vRS Carl]

A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop. While looking around, he notices a drop-dead gorgeous female sales assistant behind the counter. He walks up to the counter where she's standing, unzips his fly, and places his dick on the counter.

"What are you doing, sir?" she asks. "This is a clock shop!"

"I know it is," he replies. "And i'd like two hands and a face put on THIS!"

[Hedge]

A woman walks in to a gynaecologist's office. He looks at her and all of
his professionalism goes out the window cuz she is smokin hot..

He asks her to undress and he then proceeds to touch her up on the inside
of her legs. 'do you know what I'm doing?' he asks her.

'Yes your checking for any broken or damaged skin.'

'yes' he replies. he then begins to fondle her tits,

'do you know what I'm doing now?' he asks her.

'yes, your checking for any lumps that could be cancerous.'

'yes' he replied.

Then he mounts her and starts to have sex with her, 'do you know what I'm
doing now?' he asks her.

'yeh, your getting herpes, which is why I came to see you!'

[rich83]

A couple walk into a pub. "A whiskey and a brandy for the wife please".     The barman says "You both look terrible... is everything ok?".      The guys says... "no, not really... we've just been burgled".      "Oh no" says the barman "did they take much". "They took all our DVDs.... our TV.... loads of CDs and computer games". "Thats awful" says the barman.     "Thats not the worst of it" says the man "The wife had made a lovely corn beef hash".     The barman says "... did they steal that too?". "No" the man says "The dirty barstewards too a sh*t in it..... we had to throw half of it away"

 

[Hedge]

 

[doylebros]

"Smithers my Goodman"

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding
Officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic,
Cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "
You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the
strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to
meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a
particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the
regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three
expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in
equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the
Olympics. I have researched the history of..."

Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers,
the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the
witch doctor to get f*cked."

[Hedge]

"Hi, I'm Jane" she said
"I'm Christopher," he replied "but everyone calls me Dick for short"
"How do you get Dick from Christopher?" she asked
"You just ask nicely" he replied.

 
A woman asked a pharmacist, "Do you sell Viagra?"
"Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes, it certainly does" he answered.
She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"
"I can, if I take two," he replied.

[Hedge]

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. "

2nd Hillbilly says: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly says: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of   them new fangled warshin ' machines!"

1st Hillbilly says: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly says: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd Hillbilly says: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer
wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer
some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: "Well, what's so dumb about that?"

3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain't got no dick"

[monte]

^^^^^^

[monte]

 
* I was sitting watching the rugby when the wife came into the lounge and says
"Fancy a shag Babe?"
I said, "After the game love"
She said, "You do realise you can record it?"
I said, "Nice - you get the camcorder and I'll come upstairs when the game finishes".




* My wife asked me how many women I've shagged.
I said, 'I really dont want to answer that love, you know I've had a past and I don't want to upset you'
'C'mon' she said, 'I can handle it!'
So I had to sit there and count them all.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, you, 10, 11, 12,13, 14, 15




* My Wife asked me to go to the Doctors about my Erection problem.
She wasn't pleased when I came back and gave her some Slimming Pills.





* A man donates blood to his wife after she is badly hurt in a car crash.
A few years later they go through a bitter divorce and he demands his blood back!
So she throws a tampon in his face and says "there you go you miserable git, I'll pay you back monthly!"
And the moral of this story is: - Even if a woman eventually pays back what she owes a man, there'll   ALWAYS be strings attached!.





* I was at a wedding reception when the DJ announced
All the married men out there - go and stand by the person who makes your life worth living'.
The barman was crushed to death.
 



* My missus asked me to help her stop sucking her thumb, so I drew a cock on it.

 


* I reported a dead woman lying in a field to the police. They asked me:
'How did you find her body?'
I said, 'Her tits were ok, but the rigormortis had tightened her arse a bit too much for my liking'





* My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting ready to go out when finally the door swung open and she said,
"Honestly, do I look fat in this"?
I replied, Yes love, but to be fair, it's only a small bathroom".
 
 
 
 


* Fat wife limps into the kitchen and says Didnt you hear me fall down the stairs?
Husband says Sorry love, I thought it was the start of eastenders!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

[doylebros]

 A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born:

"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son."

 The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said:

 "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy ...not a fu*king
 photo-copier."