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Author Topic: New Friday Joke thread!  (Read 138147 times)

Offline doylebros

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #825 on: February 11, 2014, 08:30:12 pm »
What a great comeback to a typical, modern, politically correct, idiot journalist…

Picture the interview:-


              LEIGH SALES;   Idiot Journalist     


For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian.


              General Cosgrove was interviewed on TV recently


Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this!
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.

This is a portion of an ABC interview between a female journalist Leigh Sales and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.

LEIGH SALES:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

LEIGH SALES:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

LEIGH SALES:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

LEIGH SALES:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The broadcast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.

God I would pay money to have seen her face…

 

Offline stealthwolf

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #826 on: February 20, 2014, 08:32:13 am »
A Catholic priest says to his friend, the Rabbi, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants.

"I go in at well past 9.00pm in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar. Come 2.00am as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay. Then I say: 'I've already paid your colleague who has left.'
Because I am a man of the cloth, they take my word for it, and I leave."

The Rabbi is clearly impressed, and says: "Let's try it together this evening."

So the priest books them into a restaurant and come 2.00am they are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal.

Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay.

The priest just says: "I've already paid your colleague who has left."

And then the Rabbi adds: "And we're still waiting for the change !!"

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Offline doylebros

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #827 on: February 20, 2014, 08:38:18 am »
Letter from an Irish Mother to her Son!

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive.  I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast.  We are all doing very well.

You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved.

Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.  I won't be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since..

Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him.  He's cutting the grass at the cemetery.

Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.

Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial! 

Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whisky in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.

I'm sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.

I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it  from him.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days. Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.

We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the  pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. 

There isn't much more news at this time.. Nothing much has happened..

Your loving Mum.

P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.

Offline Horatio

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #828 on: February 20, 2014, 12:50:17 pm »
^^^I had to youtube Major General Peter Cosgrove, its on there but cant view it at work due to restrictions  :fighting:
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Offline Hedge

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #829 on: February 21, 2014, 07:25:47 pm »
The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.

Offline doylebros

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #830 on: February 25, 2014, 12:40:51 pm »
I hope you all like this one, it made me laugh
 
 
 
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'
Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband.I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No Kidding,' he said.
 
 
 

'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

 

Offline doylebros

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #831 on: February 26, 2014, 01:09:23 pm »
My wife, children and I have been sitting upstairs in our Somerset home,
totally cut off from the outside world,with the downstairs


flooded for the last five weeks.Today the Red Cross pulled up outside in a
boat.


"Thank God!" I shouted. "Have you come to save us?"


"No," they replied. "We're collecting donations for Syria."

Offline Hedge

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #832 on: March 04, 2014, 10:19:58 pm »
Does anybody know about the innuendo competition next week? I was thinking of entering my mum.

 :laugh:

Offline monte

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #833 on: March 05, 2014, 12:07:09 am »
Does anybody know about the innuendo competition next week? I was thinking of entering my mum.

 :laugh:


 :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin:


A duck walks into a bar and says; "Got any bread?"

The barman says: "No."

The duck says: "Got any bread?"

The barman says: "No."

The duck says: "Got any bread?"

The barman says: "No, we do not have any bread."

The duck says: "Got any bread?"

The barman says: "No.....................we haven't got any f***ing bread."

The duck says: "Got any bread?"

The barman says: "No, are you deaf? We haven't got any f***ing bread. Ask me again and I'll nail your f***ing beak to the f***ing bar, you irritating little tw*t, NOW F**K OFF!!"

The duck says: "Got any nails?"

The barman says: "NO!!!!"

The duck says: "Got any bread?"

 :rolleye:

Offline doylebros

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #834 on: March 07, 2014, 04:09:08 pm »
Paddy says "I have just broke into a shop and stolen 25 pictures out of the window"... One of them is worth £185,000 ... His mate says "You daft b**tard it was an Estate Agents"

Offline doylebros

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #835 on: March 14, 2014, 10:01:22 pm »
[removed]

Too soon mate.
« Last Edit: March 15, 2014, 10:23:44 am by richwig83 »

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #836 on: March 16, 2014, 12:21:56 pm »
"I'm Josef Fritzl and no windows was my idea"

Offline doylebros

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #837 on: March 25, 2014, 01:51:45 pm »
CHICKEN SURPRISE
 
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant,
 
and order the 'Chicken Surprise',
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
 
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises
slightly
 
and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around,
 
before the lid slams back down.
 
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.
 
He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
 
He reaches for it and again the lid rises and he sees two little eyes,
 
looking around before it slams down..
 
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over,
 
explains what is happening, and  demands an explanation.
 
'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
 
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise'
 
(You're going to love this,
 
and you're going to hate yourself for loving it!...)
 
'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter,
 
'I bring you Peeking Duck by mistake'.......
 

Offline Degudodger

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #838 on: March 25, 2014, 02:09:59 pm »
 :grin: :grin:
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Offline stealthwolf

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #839 on: April 09, 2014, 05:03:10 pm »
On the way home from the pub last night, I found the instructor from my Karate club at the pavement edge struggling to get to his feet. He had a broken nose, two black eyes and a broken arm. I helped him up and said,
"Wow mate I thought you were a black belt."
He said "I am but it doesn't work against cars."

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