New Friday Joke thread!

[doylebros]

BRITISH HUMOUR
On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe, a U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat before realizing that the only seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.
The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed, and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire length of the train again, and discovered that the only seat available was in fact the one currently being occupied by the poodle.
Trudging tiredly back, the marine arrived once more before the French woman and said, “Please Ma'am, may I sit down? I'm very tired?”
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant. Why should I care if you are tired?"
This time, the Marine didn't say a word, but simply picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, then sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone, defend my honor! This American needs to be put in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold your fork in the wrong hand, and you drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
 

[doylebros]

Subject: Oscar Pistorious

His lawyer’s got a hard job ahead of him. Realistically, it looks like Pistorius hasn’t got a leg to stand on.

Oscar clearly misunderstood when his girlfriend told him that on Valentine’s Day he had to take her out.

Oscar Pistorius is pleading not guilty due to temporary diminished responsibility.  He claims he was legless at the time of the incident.

Whatever happens in court, he still has a career. The IOC say he’s a front runner  at the next Olympics for pistol shooting.

Police reconstruction indicates that Pistorius lost it when, for his Valentine’s Day gift, his girlfriend gave him a pair of socks.

New Valentine’s Day card: “Roses are red, violets are glorious.  Never creep up On Oscar Pistorius.”

Too many Oscar Pistorius jokes already. Trying to come up with a new one is like taking a shot in the dark.

Looks like he has an expensive lawyer. I hope he can foot the bill.

Otherwise, the Oscar goes to……………………Jail !!

New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend’s murder……………. Footprints!

She didn’t notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.

I see what Pistorius is doing. He is going to jail for 25 years and when he gets released… Bam! President of South Africa. That’s how it works over there, right?

When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able-bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?

Surely Oscar Pistorius isn’t the first man to wake up legless during Valentine’s night, then shoot all over his partner whilst imagining she’s somebody else?

First Tiger Woods, then Lance Armstrong, and now Oscar Pistorius. I think Nike should start telling their athletes ” Just  Don’t Do It.”

Hollywood are doing his life story; it’s now going to be called Blade Gunner.

If found guilty he’s gonna have to take it on the shin.

And finally,

Anyone making jokes about Oscar Pistorius is just prosthetic!
 

[Hedge]

A POSITIVE ATTITUDE     

The other night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every  function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.

It was  obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

She looked at me deep & steady and I heard  her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

I managed to mumble in reply,

"Can I feel your tits, then?"

 

[stealthwolf]

Time for a terrible one:

A rabbit went into a pub and ordered a pint. He asked the barman what food they served. Toasties was the answer. He ordered a cheese and ham toastie finished his pint and ate his toastie. From then on he turned up every week and always ordered a pint and cheese and ham toastie. One week he ordered and was informed there was no ham. On asking what else he could have he was told cheese and tomato was all that was available. He ate that and left. He didn't return again and when another rabbit came in the barman enquired if he knew the missing rabbit.
"Very well" said the rabbit "but I have bad news. I'm afraid he died."
"What bad news?" said the barman. "What did he die of?"
"Mixing-me - toasties" said the rabbit

[doylebros]

A small zoo in Barnsley acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.  Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season and to make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Albert Tobytyke, a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Albert, like many Barnsley blokes, felt he had ample ability to satisfy any female. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution, so Albert was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for £500?
Albert showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.  The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

1. "First up", Albert said, "No kissin' on't lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
2. "Secund", he said, "Tha' can't ever tell anybody abaht this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
3. "Thurd", Albert said, "Ah want all't bairns raised as Barnsley fans."
Once again it was agreed.

4. "And last of all", Albert stated, "Tha's got to gi me another week to come up wi' 500 quid"

[doylebros]

America is sending a crack Delta Unit to help find the kidnapped school girls in Nigeria!
Britain is sending Stuart Hall, Rolf Harris, Max Clifford & DLT!!!

[doylebros]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.



   ATTORNEY:
   What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

   WITNESS:
   He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

   ATTORNEY:
   And why did that upset you?

   WITNESS:
   My name is Susan!

   _______________________________


   ATTORNEY:
   What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

   WITNESS:
   Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

   _____________________________________

   ATTORNEY:
   Are you sexually active?

   WITNESS:
   No, I just lie there.

   ______________________________________

   ATTORNEY:
   What is your date of birth?

   WITNESS:
   July 18th.

   ATTORNEY:
   What year?

   WITNESS:
   Every year.

   _____________________________________





   ATTORNEY:
   How old is your son, the one living with you?

   WITNESS:
   Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

   ATTORNEY:
   How long has he lived with you?

   WITNESS:
   Forty-five years.

   ______________________________

   ATTORNEY:
   This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

   WITNESS:
   Yes.

   ATTORNEY:
   And in what ways does it affect your memory?

   WITNESS:
   I forget.

   ATTORNEY:
   You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

   ______________________________________

   ATTORNEY:
   Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't
   know about it until the next morning?

   WITNESS:
   Did you actually pass the bar exam?

   ____________________________________

   ATTORNEY:
   The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

   WITNESS:
   He's 20, much like your IQ.

   ________________________________________

   ATTORNEY:
   Were you present when your picture was taken?

   WITNESS:
   Are you sh*tting me?

   ________________________________________

   ATTORNEY:
   So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

   WITNESS:
   Yes.

   ATTORNEY:
   And what were you doing at that time?

   WITNESS:
   Getting laid

   _______________________________________

   ATTORNEY:
   She had three children, right?

   WITNESS:
   Yes.

   ATTORNEY:
   How many were boys?

   WITNESS:
   None.

   ATTORNEY:
   Were there any girls?

   WITNESS:
   Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?


   _______________________________________

   ATTORNEY:
   How was your first marriage terminated?

   WITNESS:
   By death..

   ATTORNEY:
   And by whose death was it terminated?

   WITNESS:
   Take a guess.

   _______________________________________

   ATTORNEY:
   Can you describe the individual?

   WITNESS:
   He was about medium height and had a beard

   ATTORNEY:
   Was this a male or a female?

   WITNESS:
   Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

   _____________________________________

   ATTORNEY:
   Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I
   sent to your attorney?

   WITNESS:
   No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

   ______________________________________

   ATTORNEY:
   Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?


   WITNESS:
   All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

   _______________________________________

   ATTORNEY:
   ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

   WITNESS:
   Oral...

   _______________________________________

   ATTORNEY:
   Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

   WITNESS:
   The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

   ATTORNEY:
   And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

   WITNESS:
   If not, he was by the time I finished.

   _______________________________________

   ATTORNEY:
   Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

   WITNESS:
   Are you qualified to ask that question?

   ______________________________________

   And
   last:

   ATTORNEY:
   Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?


   WITNESS:
   No.

   ATTORNEY:
   Did you check for blood pressure?

   WITNESS:
   No.

   ATTORNEY:
   Did you check for breathing?

   WITNESS:
   No..

   ATTORNEY:
   So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
   autopsy?

   WITNESS:
   No.

   ATTORNEY:
   How can you be so sure, Doctor?

   WITNESS:
   Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

   ATTORNEY:
   I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?


   WITNESS:
   Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
   law.

[heyhoitsjoe]

Officer paddy pulls over an Audi quattro and tells the driver he has broken the law for having 5 people in the car. He explains that quattro means four, meaning only four people are allowed in the car at a time. The driver is furious, telling the police officer that quattro means it's four wheel drive and the car has 5 seatbelts so is allowed 5 people. Officer paddy is having none of it so the driver demands to see another officer, to which officer paddy replys " ok but you'll have to wait a while, officer Murphy's down the road, he's got 2 people in a fiat uno!"

[phil1975]

[stealthwolf]

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings"

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."













The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate"

[stealthwolf]

A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders
hung on the side and garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a
dog and a cat.
The firefighter walks over to take a closer look, 'that's a lovely fire engine,' he says admiringly.

'Thanks,' says the little girl.

The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.

'Little colleague,' says the firefighter, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'

The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f**king siren, would I?'

[rich83]

^^^ 

[doylebros]

 "Life"


Perhaps the most profound observation I have heard in recent times:

"Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging free..........
It's women who make it hard."

[stealthwolf]

A middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a chemists and asks to see the pharmacist.

The pharmacist comes and the man, looking around furtively, asks quietly, "Do you sell Viagra here?"

The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do."

The man then asks, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?"

The pharmacist thinks for a moment and then says, "Perhaps, if you took five or six pills at once you might."

[doylebros]

Australian Love Poem

Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird 
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab 
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care 
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts 
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I  think it’s very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met 
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get 

No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now  shut up while the cricket’s on
And fetch another  beer
   
     
 
Brings a lump to your throat doesn't it!!