New Friday Joke thread!

[Greeners]

As the old one seems to have gone? 



When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was
attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him
How he had sex?

'Tarzan not know sex' he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said 'Oh, Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'

Horrified Jane said, 'Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you
how to do it properly.' She took off her clothing and lay down on the
ground, here she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'

Tarzan removed his loincloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her hard in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed 'What did you do  that for?'

Tarzan replied, 'check for squirrel.'



-----------------------------------------------------------



I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 84).


We decided to grab a bite at the food court.


I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.


The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue.


My dad kept staring at him.


The teenager would look and find him staring every time.


When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked:


 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'


Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; 


And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response:


'Got stoned once and f*cked a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

[dan.payne]

 

Love the Tarzan one!

[gulfstream11]

 
 

 
A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas, coconuts and the few fish that he managed to catch.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore on a boat.. In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'

She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank a few months ago.'

'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a rowing boat wash up with you.'

'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made this boat out of raw materials that I found on the other side of the island.. There's lots of wood, palms and vines.

'But, where did you get the tools?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'I found a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock. I used that for tools.

The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walkway leading to an exquisite hut painted in yellow and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says cas ually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'

'No thank you,' he mumbles, still dazed. 'I can't take any more coconut juice.'

'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I've managed to ferment some alcohol. How would you like a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a lovely fountain outside and I've made a razor out of tortoise bone..'

No longer surprised by anything, the man goes to shower and shave.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'Whatever will it be next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?'

She stares provocatively into his eyes ...

He swallows excitedly and tears start to well-up in his eyes.....
......
.......
......
......
......
......
......
'f*cking hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports
 

 
 

[The wheel man]

^^^^^^^^^ Solid Gold 

[stealthwolf]

MATHS THROUGHOUT THE AGES
1. Teaching Maths in 1970

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.

What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths in 1980

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 80% of the price.

What is his profit?


3. Teaching Maths in 1990

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80.

How much was his profit?


4. Teaching Maths in 2000

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.

Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


5. Teaching Maths in 2005

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.

Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.


6. Teaching Maths in 2009

A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to minority religious groups not consulted in the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it is deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident, however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies.

He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash.
They also have a leaving BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?


7. Teaching Maths in 2010

A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and its money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub-prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses. The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.

Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the government’s expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.

You do the maths.


8. Teaching Maths in 2017



أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانتاج
من الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟

[stealthwolf]

At the height of the arms race, the Western World and Russians realised that, if they continued, they would someday end up destroying the world. So they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with a dogfight.

The negotiators agreed that each country would take five years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its country the right to rule the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest, meanest Dobermen and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian Wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy from each litter, killed all the other puppies and fed the lone dog all of the milk. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine, until, after the five years were up, they had a dog that needed iron prison bars on his cage. Only the trainers could handle this beast.

When the day of the big fight arrived, the British showed up with a strange animal: It was a nine-foot-long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for us. No one else thought this weird animal stood a chance against the growling beast in the Russian camp. The bookies predicted the Russians would win in less than a minute.

The cages were opened. The Dachshund waddled toward the centre of the ring. The Russian dog leapt from his cage and charged the giant sausage-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Brits dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Russian beast in one bite. There was nothing left but a small bit of fur from the killer dog's tail.

The Russians approached the British trainers, shaking their heads in disbelief. "We do not understand. Our top scientists and breeders worked for five years with the meanest, biggest Doberman and Rottweiler's. They developed a killing machine."

"Really?" the Brits replied. "We had our top plastic surgeons working solidly for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund...."

[Greeners]

Penguin Holiday....

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, “It looks like you blew a seal.”

“No, no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just ice cream.“

 Penguin Daytrip...
 A bus driver on his route sees a van from the zoo stranded on the side of the road. The zoo worker offers the bus driver $100 to help him deliver two dozen penguins. The bus driver agrees and loads the penguins on the bus.

An hour later, the zoo worker gets his van fixed and heads to the zoo. On the road, he sees the bus driver and the penguins driving in the opposite direction. He catches up to the bus and pulls them over.

The zoo worker yells, "I gave you a £100 to take the penguins to the zoo for me. Why are you still driving them around?"

"Calm down," the bus driver says, "I took the penguins to the zoo. We had change left over, so now I'm taking them to the movies."
 
Door trick...
Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."
 
Navy boy...
 
 Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on. That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired back to their room.
 
 Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling. Ones feet are killing me.'
 
 Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour . . . . But it would not budge.
 
 'Harder' yelled Camilla.
 
 'Harder' Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'
 
 'Come on give it all you've got ' she cried..
 
 Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'There! Oh God, that feels so good.'
 
 In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said 'See I told you she was still a virgin with a face like that!'
 
 Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this ones even tighter'
 
 At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen 'That’s my boy, Once a Navy man, always a navy man!'

[gaz b]

My mates nickname is THE BLACKSMITH...

everytime it is his round he makes a bolt for the door..............

[stealthwolf]

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake.. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'



To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank cheque.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

[stealthwolf]

A mother asked her young daughter what she wanted for her birthday.

The little girl replied, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."

"G.I. Joe?" the mother asked. "I thought Barbie came with Ken."

The daughter replied, "no, she comes with G.I. Joe...










...She fakes it with Ken."

[stealthwolf]

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist:

'Doc, I'm in a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, 'My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.'

So the dentist asks him, 'Which tooth is it sir?'



The man turned to his wife and said, 'Open your mouth, honey, and show him.'

[stealthwolf]

A very loud, fat, greasy, unattractive, chav type woman wearing a Newcastle United top walked into ASDA in Sunderland with her two umpalumpa kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The ASDA greeter said pleasantly, “Good morning Madam, and welcome to ASDA. Nice children you have there. Are they twins by any chance?”

The ugly fat woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Whye na, they're not twins yer twat. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the ‘ell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, thick, stupid or just a cheese eater?”

“I’m neither blind nor stupid, Madam,” replied the greeter. “I just couldn't believe you've been shagged twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at ASDA.”

[Cochese]

Ruud Van Nistlrooy walked into a bar.
 The barman said
   "why the long face?"

[matsu]

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.   I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
 
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
 

[Phil Mcavity]

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.   I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
 
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
 

Quality