New Friday Joke thread!

[stealthwolf]

A blonde walks into a doctor’s office with burns on both of her ears. The doctor asks her what happened.

"Well..." she begins, "I was ironing my work suit when the phone rang and I mistakenly picked up the iron instead of the phone."

"Well that explains one ear," the doctor said, "but what about the other?"

"The barstewards called again!"

[stealthwolf]

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees three golf balls and $1,000.

She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains: "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer."

She figures three times in 30 years isn't bad and asks: "But what about the $1,000?"

"Oh, that..." he replied: "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them."

[stealthwolf]

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her outer labia are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor and says: "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

"Don't worry," he says: "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself."

"Who is the third rose from?" she asks.

"Oh," says the doctor: "that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

[stealthwolf]

Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them. In fact, they could only raise the staggering sum of two dollars.

"Hang on, I have an idea," Murphy said.

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

"Are you crazy?" Seamus asked. "Now we don't have any money at all!"

"Don't worry," Murphy replied. "Just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson.

"Now you've lost it," Seamus said. "Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!"

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry," he said. "I have a plan."

They downed their drinks. Murphy said: "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the 10th pub, Seamus said, "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!"

"How do you think I feel?” Murphy replied. "I’m so drunk I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in."

[stealthwolf]

A Jelly Baby walks into a doctor's with liquorice on the end of his dick.

The doctors asks, "What the hell have you been doing?"

The Jelly Baby replies,




"f*cking allsorts!"

[stealthwolf]

My father owns a farm, on which he keeps cows and pigs. He works hard, so recently took a short holiday, leaving me in charge of the farm.
Unfortunately, one night I left a gate open, and all of the cows ran away.

When my father returned, I went to him nervously, worried about what he would do when he found out. But when I told him, he simply said,





"Not to worry, son. We may have lost the cattle, but we have not lost the boar."

[stealthwolf]

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field. Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, intending never to be seen in his home town again.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"

Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."

Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."

Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."

The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"

[stealthwolf]

It's Christmas Eve and George is stood perched on a bridge ready to throw himself off as life is just too much. He's lost his job and is about to lose his house and go bankrupt. His found out his wife was having an affair, and his 15 year old daughter has got pregnant by her waster of a boyfriend.

Just as he's about to jump, he gets a tap on the shoulder. To his surprise he is greated by Santa - suited and booted in his red robes and carrying his sack. 'Why so blue on Christmas eve? ho ho ho!'

So George tells him his woes, and Santa replies,

'I can't have that on Christmas Eve! I tell you what, I will sort this for you. Tomorrow on Christmas morning you will wake to find out your wife has returned realising she has made a mistake, your daughter will miscarry and will dump the boyfriend and go to university and grow up to be rich, and that lottery ticket you bought will have won - £5 million! Ho ho ho!'

George is so thankful, he asks if there is anything he can do in return.

'Ho ho ho! Well, not alot of people know I am acutally gay, and don't get much action at the North Pole. And you're a good looking man...'

George is obviously taken aback at this, but faced with the prospect of jumping off the bridge or the rewards Santa had promised he dutifully drops his trousers and bends over. As Santa is pumping away is says,

'Ho ho ho!!! And how old are you?'

George replies - 54

'Ho ho ho! You're a bit f*cking old to believe in Santa!'

[stealthwolf]

My job is so f*cking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless.
The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup.
She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself.
She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet.
Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10.
I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts.
I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the f*cking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead.
In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work.
He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22.
He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big f*cking dog to work.

Every f*cking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke.
Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing.
Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single f*cking day.



Anyway, I drive these f*cktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and sh*t.

[stealthwolf]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of $10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask him where the $10 million bucks he embezzled from me is.'

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is. The bookkeeper signs back: 'I don't know what you are talking about.'

The attorney tells the Godfather: 'He says he doesn't know what you're talking about.'

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, 'Ask him again!'

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him!'

The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK!OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !'

The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say?'

The attorney replies: 'He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger.'


Don't you just love lawyers?!

[NEWEY]

why shouldnt you wear Russian underpants?


Chernobyl fall out!




Where does Osama Bin Laden keep his cd's?

In a rack!
 

[VC]

Three deaf blokes go into a pub. They sit down and one of them approaches the bar.

"Three pints please" (said in your most patronising deaf imitation)
"That'll be £15 please" says the barman
"£15 for three pints?"
"Yeah, we've got a band on tonmight" the barman replies.
"A band?" says the deaf man "is it a rock band?"
"No, not a rock band"
"Is it a pop band?"
"No, not a pop band"
"What kind of band is it?"
"Its a country and western band" the barman says.

Deaf bloke pays and goes back to his mates.
"£15 for three pints" he says
"£15 for three pints?" says one of his mates.
"Yeah, they've got a band on"
"A band? what kind of band? is it a rock band?" his mate asks
"No" says the deaf bloke, "not a rock band"
"Is it a pop band?" his other mate asks
"No, it's not a pop band"
"Well what kind of band is it? anybody famous?" his mates ask,

















"It's just some c*nt from Preston" the deaf bloke reports 

[gadget]

Sean Connery
was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age,he could still have sex 3 times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.

After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer, Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.

So they went back to her place and got comfortable

After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand".

Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.

Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."

"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun". Cilla complies with the routine.

The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"

Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet !"

[gaz b]

Husband Store 

 

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

 

 

 

 

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

 

 

 

 

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

 

 

 

 

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

 

 

 

 

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

 

 

 

 

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

 

 

 

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

 

 

 

 

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

 

 

 

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

 

 

 

 

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

 

 

 

 

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

 

 

 

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

 

 

 

 

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

 

 

 

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

 

 

 

 

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

 

 

 

 

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

 

 

 

 

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.   (scroll and keep reading!)

 

 

PLEASE NOTE:

 

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

 

 

 

The first floor has wives that love sex.

 

 

 

T he second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

 

 

 

 

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[QD MBE]

A bloke enters a crowded pub with a Crocodile  under his arm................

The barman says  "you can't bring that in here - It is a dangerous animal..............

Chap " dangerous, dangerous, it does tricks"

Barman says "tricks you barmy get!"  " Ok show me and you can stay"

Bloke clicks his fingers, and the crocodile stands on its nose, bloke clicks again, and the croc stands on its tail,   3 times and the croc starts juggling 4 balls.

The bloke then gets his penis out, and puts it in the crocs mouth, takes a big piece of wood out of his bag and hits the croc as hard as he can behind the head.


The croc slams its mouth shut to within a mm of the guys penis, but does not touch it.............................

The pub is mesmerised, the chap turns to the pub, and says "anyone else want a go doing these tricks"

A little old lady, says "I will have a go, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that croc!"