New Friday Joke thread!

[Hedge]

[Greeners]

THE WASHINGTON POST HAS  PUBLISHED THE WINNING SUBMISSIONS TO ITS YEARLY CONTEST, IN WHICH READERS ARE ASKED TO SUPPLY ALTERNATE MEANINGS FOR COMMON WORDS... AND THE WINNERS ARE:

1. coffee, n. the person upon whom one coughs.

2. flabbergasted, adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. abdicate, v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. esplanade, v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. willy-nilly, adj. impotent.

6. negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. lymph, v. to walk with a lisp.

8. gargoyle, n. olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. flatulence, n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. balderdash, n. a rapidly receding hairline.

11. testicle, n. a humorous question on an exam.

12. rectitude, n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. pokemon , n. a Rastafarian proctologist..

14. oyster, n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. circumvent, n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

[VC]

  @ 13

[Greeners]

@ 13

Thats the one that made me chuckle too! 

[Hedge]

I liked 7 that made me 

[gaz b]

Did you hear about the blind circumsiser?

He got the sack!!!!!

[Greeners]

A London lawyer and a Yorkshire man are sitting next to each other on a
long flight to Leeds.

The lawyer is thinking that Yorkshire men are all 'cloth cap and
clogs' and that he can fool them easily...
So the lawyer asks if the Yorkshire man would like to play a fun game.
The Yorkshire man is tired and just wants to take a nap, so
he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer
persists and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question,
and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only £5; you ask me one,
and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500.'

As may be expected, this catches the Yorkshire man's attention and to
keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The
Earth to the moon?'

The Yorkshire man doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out
a five-pound note, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Yorkshire man's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a
hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all the references he knows. He
uses the air-phone; he searches the Net and even the British Library.
He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After over an hour of searching, he finally gives up..

He wakes up the Yorkshire man and hands him £500. The Yorkshire man
pockets the £500 and goes straight back to sleep.

The lawyer is going crazy not knowing the answer. He wakes the
Yorkshire man up and asks, 'Well! What goes up a hill with three legs
and comes down with four?'

The Yorkshire man reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer £5 and goes
back to sleep.

[stealthwolf]

^^^fantastic! 

[stealthwolf]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,

"What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."


"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.


Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."


He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."


"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"


"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,

"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......."

[stealthwolf]

[racist joke]
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy,"You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says,"You're in charge of shovelling." And to the Chinese guy he says, "You're in charge of supplies." "Now I have to leave for a little while, I expect you guys to make a big dent in that pile of sand."

So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when he returns, the pile is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies, "I have no broom.You said to the Chinese fella that he was in charge of supplies, but he has disappeared and I can't find him nowhere."

Then the foreman asks the Scotsman, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese laddie in charge of supplies, boot ahcouldnay fin'him either."

The foreman is real angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "SUPPLIES!!"

[stealthwolf]

Why Sentence Structure is Important
The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people: Mary or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both decent workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said, "Mary, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like sh*t this morning."

[stealthwolf]

Three knots
An old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing? '

The prostitute replies, Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots '

'Three knots?' he asks.'What's that supposed to mean??'

She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.

[Greeners]

 

[Greeners]

I needed a few days off work, but I knew that my Boss would not allow me
to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a
few days off.

So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.



My colleague (who's blonde) asked me what the hell I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss
might think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What the
heck are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a
couple of days".

I jumped down and walked out of the office, trying not to grin.

My co-worker (the blonde) followed me. The Boss asked her "...And where
do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the bloody dark!



----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica.



They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.



From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent
say,"You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the married couple walked in.



The Jamaican said to them, "I ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild in bed."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Love God that he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you a wild love machine?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: "You got dem on de wrong feet"!

[Hedge]