New Friday Joke thread!

[dodds-gttdi]

 

[Hedge]

Three aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey .

As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'

'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.

'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."

She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are..'

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff!

 

[simonp]

    *WHAT A REAL WOMAN DOES*

     

A real woman is a man's best friend.  She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. . .


   







No wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of beer. That's what beer does...


Carry on.

[VC]

I tried to log in on my iPad.

Turns out it was an Etch A Sketch and I don't own an iPad.


Also, I'm out of vodka.

[rich83]

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

[monte]

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

 

[Hedge]

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I , and all men, could understand women;
I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[Hedge]

A woman walks into the Liverpool benefits office, trailed by 15 kids...

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?

'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, 'Sit down Terry.'

All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up.  I'll need all your children's names.'

'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'

'OK, and who's next?'

'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.  Then she isintroduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.

'All right,' says the case worker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?'

Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes - it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop.  It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

'I call them by their surnames!'

[rich83]

 

[Mk5 GTian]

Paddy gets nicked for wife battering.

Judge asks "why do you keep beating her?"

Paddy says "I think it's my weight advantage, longer reach & superior footwork!"

[stealthwolf]

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that day.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!"
The robot slaps the dad.
Mum laughs and says, "Well he certainly is your son!"
The robot slaps the mum...

[stealthwolf]

A Muslim couple, preparing for their wedding, meet the Mullah for counselling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, "We realise it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam.."
"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Sex is OK with in marriage, to have children!"/.
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"No problem," says the Mullah.
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says the Mullah. "Go for it!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure! "
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes!"
"Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a bucket of honey and a pornographic video?"
"You may indeed!"

"Can we do it standing up?"
"No." says the Mullah. "It could lead to dancing."

[stealthwolf]

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara Desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. "Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, 2ather. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."
"I agree," says the Father. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
"Anything, Father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?"....... she consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes, Sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I suppose that would be OK" the Priest replied lifting his robe.
"Oh Father, may I touch it?"
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give Life."
"Is that true Father?"
"Yes, it is, Sister."
"Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!"

[Hedge]

 

[Hedge]

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted pay checks.
12. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
20. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
21. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
22. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
23. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
24. I am neither for nor against apathy.
25 Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
26 I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
27 How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
28 Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
29 The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
30 Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
31 Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
32 A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
33 When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
34 Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.