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Author Topic: New Friday Joke thread!  (Read 149027 times)

Offline simonp

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #345 on: March 15, 2012, 11:02:08 pm »
According to Tetley... the best way to make a cup of tea is to properly agitate the bag. So every morning I slap the wife on the arse and say "Two sugars in mine, fatso!''

Offline Mk5 GTian

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #346 on: March 17, 2012, 08:56:32 am »
According to Tetley... the best way to make a cup of tea is to properly agitate the bag. So every morning I slap the wife on the arse and say "Two sugars in mine, fatso!''

 :signLOL:

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Offline Mk5 GTian

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #347 on: March 17, 2012, 09:00:07 am »
Well now I know... it's still not funny!

The joke is that one Aussie asks what route are you taking. i.e. how are you getting there, but the other Aussie mis-understands him, thinking he's being asked who  he's taking for a bunk-up i.e. root, not route.

I tell ya what, I'll get me coat.

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Offline MC71

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #348 on: March 17, 2012, 09:23:08 am »
According to Tetley... the best way to make a cup of tea is to properly agitate the bag. So every morning I slap the wife on the arse and say "Two sugars in mine, fatso!''

Will try that :signLOL:
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Offline simonp

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #349 on: March 17, 2012, 01:13:38 pm »
I tell ya what, I'll get me coat.

About time, I've been standing here holding it out for you for 2 days now! :laugh:

Offline Mk5 GTian

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #350 on: March 17, 2012, 07:17:37 pm »
I tell ya what, I'll get me coat.

About time, I've been standing here holding it out for you for 2 days now! :laugh:

 :signLOL:

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Offline monte

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #351 on: March 17, 2012, 07:30:12 pm »
What's invisible and smells of worms???





Bird farts  :laugh:

Offline simonp

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #352 on: March 17, 2012, 09:53:45 pm »
A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her fanny on her wedding night, so decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with her he asked "Exactly how far across the field were you before you realised it was caught"?

Offline MC71

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #353 on: March 17, 2012, 10:05:50 pm »
A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her fanny on her wedding night, so decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with her he asked "Exactly how far across the field were you before you realised it was caught"?
:signLOL:  :congrats:
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Offline MC71

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #354 on: March 17, 2012, 10:18:04 pm »
I took a girl home from a club last night.

As we got inside my house I said, "You'll be walking funny tomorrow."

"Ooooooh" she smiled, "Have a big c**k do we?"

I locked the door and said, "No, I'm going to cut off your feet." :happy2:
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Offline Mk5 GTian

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #355 on: March 18, 2012, 05:18:37 am »
I took a girl home from a club last night.

As we got inside my house I said, "You'll be walking funny tomorrow."

"Ooooooh" she smiled, "Have a big c**k do we?"

I locked the door and said, "No, I'm going to cut off your feet." :happy2:

That is dark!

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Offline Mk5 GTian

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #356 on: March 18, 2012, 05:20:31 am »
Deffinition of 'Woman': Life support for a vagina.

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Offline simonp

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #357 on: March 18, 2012, 11:09:54 am »
I pulled a bird the other night and took her back to my house. As I laid back on the bed, she slowly unbuttoned my jeans and said, "Fancy a blow job?". I replied "Of course, but I must warn you, the last girl gagged on my cock.""Big is it?" She giggled. .... I said, "No, I never wash it."

Offline MC71

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #358 on: March 18, 2012, 01:06:55 pm »
There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.

"C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks.

She replied, "I will... if you have sex with me."

The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends.

"You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her."

"Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy.

"Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!"

"Oh, you are such a wuss. I'll go up to the door," the second guy says.

He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.

"W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa......" He uses all of his will power to not hurl.

"Water? Yes, I have water," she says knowingly. "But you have to have sex with me."

"AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!"

He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.

"What do you want for some water?"

"You have to have sex with me."

Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen.

"Do me here," she told him.

He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.

"Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!"

The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.

"Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars."

"Then lay back and close your eyes again."

This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes.

"If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert."

"Eyes closed," he says.

Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms.

"Ohhhhhhhhh........ The water, money and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy.

So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window.

One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!"
  :sick:  :signLOL:
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Offline SKAVIA

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #359 on: March 22, 2012, 01:40:06 pm »
Happy and Sad
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions". 
The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that is a bunch of crap.
I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.
 
 

She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick"
 :jumping: