New Friday Joke thread!

[simonp]

At the Inverness job centre a fella sees a vacancy for a gynaecologists assistant. He asks for more details and is delighted to discover that his duties would be removing the ladies underwear, washing and shaving them and rubbing a lotion into the shaved area. The salary is £80K pa. He's then told that he must go to Plymouth.

"Is that where the job is?" he asks. "No, that's where the end of the queue is!" comes the reply.

[MC71]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".  

[MC71]

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude.".   

[MC71]

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."
 

[monte]

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."
 

Classic

[Hedge]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".   

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude.".   

Both classics. 

[monte]

An old one from Stewart Lee.....

What do you get if you cross the Queen and Prince Philip?

.
.
.
.
.
.
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........Killed in a tunnel.

[monte]

I was at the swimming baths today & decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end.

The life-guard must have noticed cos he blew his whistle so f*cking loud I nearly fell in!!

[monte]

Why did Snoop Dogg buy an Umbrella?



....for Drizzle! 

[MC71]

A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost. Finally he spots 2 houses so he goes up to the first house and looks in the door way. He sees an old lady yanking on her boobs and an old man jerking off. He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says "What's up with your neighbors?" and the owner of the house says "Oh that's the Robinson's, they're both deaf. She's telling him to go milk the cow and he's telling her to go f**k herself!"
 

[MC71]

One day this girl was talking to her friend and she said to her, "My boyfriend bought me flowers for Valentines day this year so I guess I have to put my legs in the air for him.", and her friend replied, "Why? Don't you have a vase?"
 

[MC71]

A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger f**king his wife. He says, "What the hell are you two doing?" His wife turns to the stranger and says, "I told you he was stupid."
 

[MC71]

Last one!


A pregnant woman with her first child, paid a visit to her doctor. After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you...", to which the doctor replies "I know...I know..." placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
 

[monte]

Paddy and a woman start kissing on sofa. After a while she whispers "let's take this upstairs". Paddy says "ok, you grab one end I'll get the other!"

[Hedge]

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.   

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."   

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press "Ctrl Alt Delete" and start all over? AMEN, AMEN!   

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't you know it!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.   

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
(A completely brilliant question!)

Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher -
and since it's in English, thank a soldier."   

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?