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Author Topic: New Friday Joke thread!  (Read 143114 times)

Offline vRS Carl

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #495 on: August 03, 2012, 07:45:03 pm »
Couldn't sleep so got up at 3am for a drink. Stood in the kitchen in darkness I suddenly noticed a black guy prowling in next doors garden.

Before I could react, my neighbour ran across the lawn & hit the prowler with a shovel. I stood in astonished silence, watching as he immediately proceeded to start digging an impromptu grave in the garden with the blood splattered shovel.

I almost jumped out of my skin as my half-asleep wife stole up to me & snuggled up behind me. "Whats up darling, you're shaking?" she asked wearily.

"You won't believe this babe. That guy next door, cheeky f*ckers had my shovel all along!" I fumed.

Offline MC71

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #496 on: August 03, 2012, 07:58:26 pm »
^^^^ that's a keeper!  :notworthy:

Not in the same Leauge but......


For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."


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Offline MC71

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #497 on: August 03, 2012, 08:01:38 pm »
Half dressed redneck couple sitting on couch watching news on TV with man's arm around the woman. The man says "Lookit them homo-sekshuls a ruining the sanctity of our institution. We oughta go to San Francisco just to show them liberals that marriage means one man, one woman. Right, Darlin'" The woman replies, "That's right, Daddy."

 :happy2:
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Offline Hedge

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #498 on: August 03, 2012, 08:03:01 pm »
 :signLOL:

Offline Hedge

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #499 on: August 10, 2012, 08:24:06 am »
The missus left a  post-it note on the fridge saying,

"It's no good, it's not working, I'm staying at mums for a while".

I opened it, the light came on, the beer was chilled.

Buggered if I know what she was on about.

 :rolleye:

Offline monte

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #500 on: August 10, 2012, 10:44:39 pm »
 :laugh: :congrats: :congrats: :congrats:

Offline Horatio

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #501 on: August 18, 2012, 12:18:22 am »
My mate signed up to Tesco Dating online.......









.....he ended up with a bag for life
2007 Black Magic DSG Golf GTI Edition 30. No.1231
.:R32 "milk and juice come in 2 litres"
I run a dirty campervan, need scrubbers

Offline monte

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #502 on: August 18, 2012, 12:21:35 am »
Scottish man walks into a bakery and says…

"Is that a Cake or a Meringue"?

Baker says….

"You are correct"



 :laugh:

Offline Powervalve Nige

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #503 on: August 18, 2012, 10:21:42 am »
Scottish man walks into a bakery and says…

"Is that a Cake or a Meringue"?

Baker says….

"You are correct"



 :laugh:

 :grin:

Offline Hedge

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #504 on: August 21, 2012, 01:41:17 pm »
Top ten from the Edinburgh Festival.

The top ten jokes chosen this year are as follows:
1. Stewart Francis – “You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."

2. Tim Vine – “Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. ”

3. Will Marsh – “I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.”

4. Rob Beckett – “You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.”

5. Chris Turner – “I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet … I don’t know why.”

6. Tim Vine – “I took part in the sun tanning Olympics – I just got Bronze.”

7. George Ryegold – “Pornography is often frowned upon, but that’s only because I’m concentrating.

8. Stewart Francis – “I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!”

9. Lou Sanders – “I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: ‘It’s not rocket salad.”

10. Nish Kumar – “My mum’s so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism … she wouldn’t fancy her chances.”

Offline MC71

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #505 on: August 21, 2012, 02:49:45 pm »
"Arch your back more!" I told Tom Daley, "...and, at the last second, lock your hips. That'll reduce the splash."


"Take your megaphone," he replied, "and get the f**k out of my toilet."
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Offline MC71

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #506 on: August 21, 2012, 02:58:04 pm »
Two campers where hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them.

Both campers start running for their lives when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.

His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"

His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"
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Offline Hurdy

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #507 on: August 25, 2012, 01:13:54 am »

This was a genuine Tombstone in America.....................


Five important rules to remember, don't forget them, Or else.



 A COWBOY TOMBSTONE:

Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah.

He died not knowing that he would win the 'Coolest Headstone' contest.

 FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.
Golf R gone.

Offline monte

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #508 on: September 07, 2012, 12:34:07 am »
Two interesting facts about me......



1) My penis is the same length as 2 Argos pens. 




2) I'm banned from Argos...  :ashamed:

Offline monte

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #509 on: September 07, 2012, 12:36:26 am »
Just finished in the olympics blindfold masturbation competition.

....F@*k  knows where i came??