New Friday Joke thread!

[Kalpsn2000]

^^^Some great jokes guys

[monte]

Bit of a long read....sorry 



Subject: Australian Competition 'Match Mate'
This got the whole of Sydney, Australia,  laughing. Read it and you'll see why!

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney .

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.

The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if
They are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant
answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with
(phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same
three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City
drop to its knees with laughter.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ:       "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great!  You know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if
you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant:  "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sarah."

DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Brian?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever Have said
that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
morning?

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work Number and
call her up.

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch tones.....
ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air Right now  and
I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to
give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules
of  'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian:  (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay?  Be
completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If
your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be Off to
the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it  last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect is
manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away
from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the  arse....." 

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have
a heart attack, he could not stop laughing.  Apparently there was an
unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this
conversation, for minor traffic collisions.

[MC71]

^^^^ Brilliant. Worth the 5 minute read. 

[stealthwolf]

 

[Kalpsn2000]

^^^
Haha

[phil1975]

Paddy and Mick were both made redundant, so they went to the
unemployment office.

When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Knicker Stitcher: I sews
de elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs."

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it
classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment
pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel
Fitter." Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick
£160 a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office
to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his
pay.

The clerk explained, "Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and
Diesel Fitters are skilled labour."

"What feckin' skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sews de elastic on de knickers
and thongs, den Mick puts dem over his head and says, 'Yep, diesel
fitter...'"

[monte]

All these years thinking I had a birth mark on my arse, now it turns out to be a cigar burn, hows about that then!! 

[Hedge]

My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' you to get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

I'm still looking for a place to live.

 

[sub39h]

monte's story is epic!

[Degudodger]

A guy goes into a bar to have a drink. Sitting at the counter is a sailor, who is normal in every way except one - his head is much, much smaller that the rest of his body.
The guy buys the sailor a beer and works up a conversation. After a while, the guy summons the courage to ask about the sailor's small head.

The sailor begins to tell his story. Some years ago his ship sank, and he was stranded on an island, all alone and without any provisions. Things looked so bad that he figured his days were numbered. Then, one day when all hope seemed lost, a beautiful mermaid swam upon the shore. The mermaid told him that she would grant him 3 wishes - anything in the world he wanted would be his.

Of course his first wish was to get off the island, and when he told the mermaid his desires, a magnificent yacht appeared in the bay, and it was all his.

He then told the mermaid his second wish - to become rich! The mermaid nodded and a treasure chest appeared on the beach, full of gold and gems.

The mermaid then asked the sailor for his third wish. The sailor recalled that he had been on that island for a long time, without any female companionship. And the mermaid was very good looking, so the sailor said how about a little head?

[AA]

monte's story is epic!

Monte cheers

[monte]

The wife lost a tooth last night while eating a packet of dry roasted peanuts.

To be fair I did actually warn her not to keep rustling the packet while the football was on. 

[Hedge]

 

[MC71]

A little girl unexpectedly walks in on her parents having sex, Mum on top of Dad. After surveying the scene for a moment or two, she asks what they are doing.

"I was just letting some of the air out of Daddy because he's too fat," said her Mum.

The girl replies, "What's the point Mummy? The lady next door is just going to blow him up again tomorrow like she usually does."

[MC71]

Two repair men were walking along examining the railway track, chatting casually.

"I had a great shag near here the other day," said one of them, "a great girl, she had a lovely body and the longest smoothest legs you can imagine. Gagging for it she was. The best sex I've had in years!"

"Well," said the other, she must have been a bit of a dog to go with you. What did she look like? Blonde hair I suppose."

"Dunno," said the first, "I couldn't find her head."