New Friday Joke thread!

[monte]

Two repair men were walking along examining the railway track, chatting casually.

"I had a great shag near here the other day," said one of them, "a great girl, she had a lovely body and the longest smoothest legs you can imagine. Gagging for it she was. The best sex I've had in years!"

"Well," said the other, she must have been a bit of a dog to go with you. What did she look like? Blonde hair I suppose."

"Dunno," said the first, "I couldn't find her head."

Classic 

[MC71]

A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time, and had been invited to dinner. After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog, Rover, who was sitting underneath the boy's chair. Unfortunately, it had been a large dinner and the boy really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.

"Rover! Get out!" the father yelled.

"This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks it's the dog farting!" So he let out another one, somewhat louder than the first.

"Rover! Get out from under that chair!" the father barked.

The boy was feeling more confident now that the dog was clearly getting the blame, so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.

"Rover! For god's sake get out from under that chair before that bloody boy sh*ts on you!"

[MC71]

There was a lady sitting at the bar and every time she wanted a drink she would raise her arm. She seemed to have an awful lot of hair under her armpit and the barman was finding it quite revolting and mentioned this to a man also sitting at the bar, saying that the next time she did that he was not going to give her a drink. One minute later she said,
"Bartender, Bartender, get me another drink."

The barman refused, but the man sitting there said,
"Oh go on, give the poor ballerina another drink."

The barman was intrigued and asked the man how he knew she was a ballerina, to which he replied,
"Well, anyone that can lift their leg that high must be a ballerina!"

[monte]

Dear Deardrie,

My boyfriend's a right dick!

He told me the best cure for constipation was anal sex.  

I didn't believe him but after some persuasion, he talked me into it and I let him stick his cock into my tiny little arsehole.

He shagged me up the bum really hard, and I didn't enjoy it.

He's just rung me this morning saying he wants to try it again as he's still constipated.

What should I do?

[MC71]

A guy is walking along  Pier, when he meets a girl with no legs or arms, crying.

"Why are you crying?" he asks.

"I've never been hugged," she says. The guy hugs her, but she continues crying.

"Why are you crying now?" he asks.

"I've never been kissed," she says. The guy kisses her, but she continues crying.

"What's the problem this time?" he asks, getting a little impatient.

"I've never been screwed," she says, whereby the guy promptly picks her up and throws her into the water.

"There," he says. "Now you're screwed."

[Hedge]

Dear Deardrie,

My boyfriend's a right dick!

He told me the best cure for constipation was anal sex.   

I didn't believe him but after some persuasion, he talked me into it and I let him stick his cock into my tiny little arsehole.

He shagged me up the bum really hard, and I didn't enjoy it.

He's just rung me this morning saying he wants to try it again as he's still constipated.

What should I do?

Quality. 

[MC71]

Last one...

A young couple had only been married for about a year, but the man felt the initial spark was no longer in their sex life. He mentioned the problem to his mate down the pub, who suggested a bit of experimentation in the bedroom in order to try to spice things up a little. This sounded like a good idea, and one night while he was seducing his wife he quietly whispered in her ear,
"darling, would you mind if I put it in the other hole tonight?" To which she replied,
"you'd better not, we can't afford to have kids yet...."

[Hedge]

 

[Hedge]

I've got the wife a new fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

 

[Degudodger]

A woman comes into a vet clinic with a limp duck in her hands.

The vet takes the duck, lays it on the table and after careful examination
tells the woman that her duck is dead.

The woman is disbelieving and asks him if he is sure the duck is dead.

The vet leaves the room and returns with a black labrador retriever.

The dog jumps up on the table, sniffs the duck, shakes his head and leaves the room.

The vet leaves the room again and returns with a cat.

The cat jumps up on the table, looks at the duck, shakes his head and leaves the room.

After the cat leaves, the vet prints out a bill for $150 and gives it to the woman.

The woman is outraged at the bill and questions why it's $150 for him to tell her the
duck is dead.

The vet replies...'Normally it would have been $20 but the extra cost is for the lab report
and cat scan'.

[MC71]

^^^^ 

[Hedge]

Hello Friends


With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with you about drinking and driving. As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.

Two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several beers followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I might be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home. Sure enough, on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it. Any suggestions would be appreciated.


Kind regards

[ripmateyy]

Ian Watkins misunderstood when he was asked to play with Kids In Glass Houses.

[Sunglasses Ron]

What's the difference between a practical joke and a temperature?


Nurses can take a temperature..   

[Veee-dubber]

I went to the local shops today, as I usually do on a Sunday, only today was different.
Outside the shop I was approached by a gang of hooded youthes " Oiii you, get me 10 Richmonds now, or your getting it!" the leader threatened as the rest of the gand circled around me.

"Ok, Sure I stuttered".

The leader then placed a handful of coins into my trembling hand.. and off I walked hastly into the shop.

Ten minutes later I returned from inside the shop, "They only do them in packs of 8" I said, chucked them their sausages and walked off.