New Friday Joke thread!

[stealthwolf]

This forum is primarily for people to talk about their cars. It's not a trading site or a shop.

[cmdrfire]

Congratulation the mk5 and mk6 share some parts! that makes us brothers!  

No, they're the same car mate. Mk6 was just a heavy facelift...

[Ash3000k]

Congratulation the mk5 and mk6 share some parts! that makes us brothers!  

No, they're the same car mate.

   (staying away from this topic lol)

[ripmateyy]

You are so annoying

[Stanipkiss]

^^^^ touché!

Joke thread is actually funny today!  

+1

[sam2kk8]

 

At the height of the arms race, the Western World and Russians realised that, if they continued, they would someday end up destroying the world. So they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with a dogfight.

The negotiators agreed that each country would take five years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its country the right to rule the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest, meanest Dobermen and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian Wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy from each litter, killed all the other puppies and fed the lone dog all of the milk. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine, until, after the five years were up, they had a dog that needed iron prison bars on his cage. Only the trainers could handle this beast.

When the day of the big fight arrived, the British showed up with a strange animal: It was a nine-foot-long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for us. No one else thought this weird animal stood a chance against the growling beast in the Russian camp. The bookies predicted the Russians would win in less than a minute.

The cages were opened. The Dachshund waddled toward the centre of the ring. The Russian dog leapt from his cage and charged the giant sausage-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Brits dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Russian beast in one bite. There was nothing left but a small bit of fur from the killer dog's tail.

The Russians approached the British trainers, shaking their heads in disbelief. "We do not understand. Our top scientists and breeders worked for five years with the meanest, biggest Doberman and Rottweiler's. They developed a killing machine."

"Really?" the Brits replied. "We had our top plastic surgeons working solidly for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund...."

[Kalpsn2000]

^^^
 

[stealthwolf]

An Irish Priest was transferred to Texas.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed early on his first morning in his new west Texas parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sheriff George. How may I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Bernadette 's Catholic Church.
There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn so would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

The Sheriff, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied,
"Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we're also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

[Mk5 GTian]

So, the truth is out re: Pope Benedict's resignation.

He's been line up for the Aston Villa Job.

And Peter Obenwingie's just been spotted arriving at the Vatican car park.

[stealthwolf]

One morning, a Hell's Angel goes into a coffee bar and orders a large cappuccino. As he is about to leave, he asks the waitress for his bill.

"Two pounds sixty," she says.

The Hell's Angel produces 260 penny coins, drops them on the floor and leaves.

This happens every morning for the next few days until one morning the Hell's Angel wants to pay with a fiver. Gotcha, thinks the waitress, who has been waiting for this day to get her revenge: she drops 240 pennies onto the floor.

"Your change," she says with a smug little smile.

The Hell's Angel produces a 20 pence coin and places it on the table.

"Another large cappuccino, please."

[Kalpsn2000]

One morning, a Hell's Angel goes into a coffee bar and orders a large cappuccino. As he is about to leave, he asks the waitress for his bill.

"Two pounds sixty," she says.

The Hell's Angel produces 260 penny coins, drops them on the floor and leaves.

This happens every morning for the next few days until one morning the Hell's Angel wants to pay with a fiver. Gotcha, thinks the waitress, who has been waiting for this day to get her revenge: she drops 240 pennies onto the floor.

"Your change," she says with a smug little smile.

The Hell's Angel produces a 20 pence coin and places it on the table.

"Another large cappuccino, please."

 

[ripmateyy]

Roses are Red, Violets are glorious. Don't try to surprise Oscar Pistorius.

Oscar Pistorius can't be the 1st man to wake up legless on Valentines Day & shoot all over his mrs face while imagining she was someone else.

What do Spurs have that Oscar Pistorius doesn't? Bale.

[simonp]

What's black and bushy and found in a schoolgirl's knickers?

Kevin Webster's moustache.

[monte]

Why are Pirates called Pirates?






Because they ARRRR. 

[monte]

"Go and have a look at the size of the sh*t I've just done in the bathroom!" I said to my wife.

"No thanks," she replied.

"Please, just one quick look," I said, "You won't believe it, it's a good two pounder."

Shaking her head in disbelief, she pinched her nose, ran in, looked down the toilet, then ran out and said, "There's nothing down there, you must've flushed it."

I said, "It's on the scales."