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Author Topic: New Friday Joke thread!  (Read 143033 times)

Offline Kalpsn2000

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #720 on: August 01, 2013, 11:27:41 am »
I know it's early but it did make me laugh so here goes:-

In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as:

"I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i"

rather than

"I've just buggered a 14 year old escort"

Heard that one before but still funny :happy2:
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Offline doylebros

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #721 on: August 01, 2013, 05:35:51 pm »
Then this made me chuckle today when fighting with an injet printer:-

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex!

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband!

Offline Hedge

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #722 on: August 10, 2013, 08:39:45 pm »
An elderly gent took two stuffed dogs he had left to him in a will to a filming of Antiques Roadshow.   
"Ooh!" said the presenter. "This is a rare pair, produced by the Johns Brothers taxidermists, who operated in London in the last 1800's.  Do you have any idea of what they would fetch if in good condition?"
 
"Yes" said the gent "Sticks".

Offline doylebros

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #723 on: August 22, 2013, 10:42:28 pm »
IDIOT SIGHTING No.1

My daughter and I went to the McDonald's check-out to pay our bill and I gave the clerk a £5 note. 

Our total bill was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece.

She said, 'You gave me too much money.'

I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'

She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request. 

I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but we do not do that kind of thing.'

The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.


Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald's in  St Albans , Hertfordshire.!!


IDIOT SIGHTING No2

We had to have the garage door repaired The GARADOR repairman told us

that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' 

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two..'

We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Moor Park , near Watford .



IDIOT SIGHTING No3

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the

Highways Department to request the removal of the 'DEER CROSSING' sign

from our road.

The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road! I don't

think this is a good place for them to be crossing, any-more.'


Story from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire.



IDIOT SIGHTING No 4

My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' 

He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce.


>From South Oxhey , Hertfordshire.



IDIOT SIGHTING No 5

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 

'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' 

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' 

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'



Happened at Luton Airport



IDIOT SIGHTING No 6

The traffic light on the corner buzzes when the lights turn red and it is safe to cross the road.

I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine

She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. 

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a Local County Council employee in  St Albans , Hertfordshire. (And she's NOT blonde)


IDIOT SIGHTING No7

When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car, 

we were told the keys had been locked in it. 

We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the Driver's door. 

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door-handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 

'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'its open!'

His reply: 'I know. I already did that side.' 

This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans , Hertfordshire.





STAY ALERT! They walk among us AND THEY BREED!              
  
                                                         

Offline Kalpsn2000

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #724 on: August 23, 2013, 03:12:37 pm »
^^^
 :signLOL:
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Offline bigeyd

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #725 on: August 23, 2013, 06:37:37 pm »
Nassar Hussein and Vladimir Putin have never been seen in the same room

Offline simonp

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #726 on: August 23, 2013, 06:45:43 pm »
David Beckham gets into a cab. Cabbie moves off, looking in the mirror at him constantly. After about 5 minutes he says to Beckham: "OK mate, give me a clue?"

"I had a glittering career at Man Utd and Real Madrid, played in America,  captained the England side and married a Spice Girl."

"No, you twat, where are you going?"

Offline monte

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #727 on: August 24, 2013, 11:56:19 am »
A family are having a nice meal at the dining table when one son says

"Dad I have to tell you something....I'm gay.”

Dad is just speechless and looks horrified, when all of a sudden his other son says,

“Me too dad, sorry”

Dad stands up and shouts!!!

“doesn't anyone in this family like pussy?”

His daughter raises her arm and says...

 “I do…”

 :laugh:

Offline Mk5 GTian

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #728 on: August 24, 2013, 01:15:09 pm »
Nassar Hussein and Vladimir Putin have never been seen in the same room

Nassar Hussain and Mr Burns off the Simpsons have never been seen in the same room  :grin:

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Offline Kalpsn2000

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #729 on: August 26, 2013, 10:15:43 am »
A family are having a nice meal at the dining table when one son says

"Dad I have to tell you something....I'm gay.”

Dad is just speechless and looks horrified, when all of a sudden his other son says,

“Me too dad, sorry”

Dad stands up and shouts!!!

“doesn't anyone in this family like pussy?”

His daughter raises her arm and says...

 “I do…”

 :laugh:


Heard that one before but still great :happy2: :grin:
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Offline doylebros

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #730 on: August 28, 2013, 07:14:28 pm »
Made me laugh today:-

Just got back from a mate's funeral who drowned while on a sailing holiday.

We all chipped in and got him a wreath in the shape of a life jacket, as we knew that's what he would've wanted.

Offline rich83

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #731 on: September 01, 2013, 09:04:50 am »
Did you hear about the scarecrow who won a Nobel peace prize??

He was outstandung in his field!!


Offline simonp

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #732 on: September 01, 2013, 07:55:22 pm »
Grey walls, bars, bunk beds, big fella with a hard-on...

Can you tell what is yet, Rolf?

Offline doylebros

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #733 on: September 01, 2013, 08:39:36 pm »
I picked up my wife and her 3 mates after they had come from weight watchers, I muttered 'fat cows', she said 'what was that?', I said 'you herd'....

Offline stealthwolf

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #734 on: September 05, 2013, 10:13:11 pm »
Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 capsules at me.

Luckily, I only received super fish oil injuries.

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