New Friday Joke thread!

[simonp]

I'm selling my entire John Lennon collection on eBay. Imagine all the PayPal!

[doylebros]

I'm selling my entire John Lennon collection on eBay. Imagine all the PayPal!

Did you make that up or was it from the Edinburgh fringe festival worst joke!

[doylebros]

One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his usual
route,  delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars  were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner,  coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling  bin.
'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.

David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since
4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I.'

The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'

The postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded. 'Your name came up 7 times.

[MC71]

A woman wakes up after a vaginal tuck, to find three bunches of flowers on her window sill..

One from her surgeon, to say all went well,

One from her husband, "get well soon", and he loved her,

One from Tommy in the burns unit, to say "Thank you for the new ears"!!

 

[MC71]

Paramedics attend a nasty accident, involving a sports car,

When they see the driver, screaming in pain, they tell him to calm down, as at least he wasnt flung thro the windscrean like his girlfriend.

He screams back..

"Have you seen whats in her f**k**g mouth"??

 

[doylebros]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them. They could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
 Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'
...Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whiskey.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out..
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said, 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.

[Hedge]

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, “Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”
“No,” said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
 
She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?”

“Uh… no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties… and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?”
 
“No way!” he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied…………
 
“Go look in the garage.”

[Hedge]

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.

"O K Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the midwife.

"No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm not attached; I'll be having my baby on my own"

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman,

"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must tell you before you see her that the baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."

"Oh, I'm sorry," The midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."

"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,  "Thank god for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved,  "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."

[dodds-gttdi]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them. They could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
 Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'
...Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whiskey.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out..
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said, 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.

Pea roast!!

Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them. In fact, they could only raise the staggering sum of two dollars.

"Hang on, I have an idea," Murphy said.

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

"Are you crazy?" Seamus asked. "Now we don't have any money at all!"

"Don't worry," Murphy replied. "Just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson.

"Now you've lost it," Seamus said. "Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!"

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry," he said. "I have a plan."

They downed their drinks. Murphy said: "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the 10th pub, Seamus said, "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!"

"How do you think I feel?” Murphy replied. "I’m so drunk I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in."

Repost

IRISH SAUSAGES

 

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

 

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

 

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

 

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

 

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

 

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints

of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

 

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

 

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '

 

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

 

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

 

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

 

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

 

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel?

I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

I know its not Friday  

[monte]

The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.

I told her I was looking for cheap flights.

"I love you!" she said, then she got all excited, un-zipped my trousers and gave me the most amazing blow job ever....

...which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before.

[doylebros]

How true is this

Sixteen Logical Reasons Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more
excited your dog is to see you.
 
 2. Dogs don't notice if you call them
by another dog's name.
 
 3. Dogs like it if you leave lots
of things on the floor.
 
4. Dogs' parents never visit.
 
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go, instantly, 24 hours a day.
 
 7. Dogs find you amusing when you're pissed.
 
 8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
 
 9. Dogs won't wake you up at night to ask: "If I died, would you get another dog?"
 
 10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and sell 'em.
 
11. When you drop a silent one, dogs don't run around frantically with room spray.

13. Dogs never tell you to stop scratching your balls. Instead, they sit pondering why you don't lick 'em.
 
14. Dogs will let you put a studded collar on, without calling you a pervert.
 
15. If a dog smells another dog on you, it won't kick you in the crotch; it just finds it interesting.
 
And last, but not least:

16. If a dog runs off and leaves you, it won't take half your stuff.
 
To verify these statements: Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour.
Then open the door, and observe who's happy to see you!
 
 

[skriller]

 
To verify these statements: Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour.
Then open the door, and observe who's happy to see you!
 
 

this ^^ 

[doylebros]

Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face.

Spanish Computer Definition.
 
 
 
 
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining  to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either  masculine or feminine.

House' for instance, is feminine:  'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A  student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
 
 
 
 
Instead  of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and  female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a  masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for  its recommendation.

 
 
 

The men's group decided that  'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'),  because:

1. No one but their creator  understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to  communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone  else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for  possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to  one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for  it.
 
 
 
 
 
(THIS GETS  BETTER!) 
 
 
 


 
The women's group, however,  concluded that computers  should be Masculine ('el computador'),  because:

 
1. In order to do anything with  them, you have to turn  them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still  can't think for  themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve  problems,
but half the time they ARE the problem; and

 
4. As soon as you commit to one,  you realize that if you  had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a  better  model.

[doylebros]

A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.

He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever."

"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."

"OK, then, I want to die after a Labour government balances the budget and eliminates the debt."

"You crafty little b*stard," said the genie

[Top Cat]

Opened up the second window on my advent calendar today. I wasn't expecting Tom Daily to come out.