New Friday Joke thread!

[stealthwolf]

The pretty Mexican maid approaches her American boss-lady for a raise....

The woman was very upset about this request and decided to talk to the maid about the raise.


She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want more pay?”

Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first eez that I iron better than you.”

Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”

Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”

Wife: “Oh yeah?”

Maria: “The second reason eez that I am better cook than you.”

Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”

Maria: “Jor hozban deed”

Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”

Maria: “The third reason is that I ama better at sex than you in the bed.”

Wife: really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my

husband say that as well?”

Maria: “No Señora… The gardener did.”

Wife: ....“So how much do you want?”

[Phillyf21]

Does anyone know someone with a van for sale.....as my mate Roy Cropper needs one............as his old tranny has died on him. 

[doylebros]

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
 
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my grandad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.
 
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.
 
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.
 
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
 
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burnt by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
 
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'
 
The teacher sat down and cried.

[simonp]

David Moyes has made a promise to Man Utd fans that their team will definitely be in a European competition next year. Even if he has to write the song himself!

[doylebros]

The wife left a note on the fridge saying "its no good, its not working. I'm staying at mums for a while".
I opened it, the light came on & the beer was chilled. Fu*k knows what she's on about!

[doylebros]

Mata didn't sign for United last night again because all the pens were sh*te!

[doylebros]

I said to my new girlfriend, "Your Dad was giving me funny looks when I picked you up."

She said, "Don't worry about it,  he's just had a stroke."

Lucky c**t, I've only kissed her twice.

[doylebros]

Porn film titles that should've been but never were:

'Inspect Her Gadget'

'Womb Raider'

'One Blew Over The Hooker's Chest'

'Night Of The Giving Head'

'Thrush Hour'

'Ass Ventura'

'Hannah Mounts Anna'

'Edward Dildo Hands'

'Reservoir Dogging'

'Three Willys'

'Cumblob Squidgypants'

'Shaving Ryan's Privates'

'Laid Marion & Throbbing Hood'

[monte]

Porn film titles that should've been but never were:

'Inspect Her Gadget'

'Womb Raider'

'One Blew Over The Hooker's Chest'

'Night Of The Giving Head'

'Thrush Hour'

'Ass Ventura'

'Hannah Mounts Anna'

'Edward Dildo Hands'

'Reservoir Dogging'

'Three Willys'

'Cumblob Squidgypants'

'Shaving Ryan's Privates'

'Laid Marion & Throbbing Hood'

You forgot "Glad he ate her" 

[Hedge]

'Shaving Ryan's Privates' is an actual film about the porn industry parodying existing film titles. 

[doylebros]

Murphy,  a furniture dealer from Dublin , decided to expand the  line of  furniture  in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what  he could  find.
 
After  arriving in Paris , he visited with some manufacturers and selected a  line  that he thought would sell well back home.
To celebrate  the new  acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of  wine.

As he  sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite  crowded, and  that the other chair at his table was the only vacant  seat in the  house.
 
Before  long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his  table, asked  him  something in French (which Murphy  could not  understand), so he motioned  to  the vacant chair and invited her to sit  down.

He  tried to speak to her  in English,  but she did not speak his language.
After a couple of  minutes of  trying  to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a  picture of  wine  glass and showed it to her.
She nodded, so he ordered a  glass of wine  for  her.
 
After sitting together at the table  for a while, he took another  napkin,  and drew  a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.
They left the  bistro  and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic  music.

They  ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and  they got up to dance.
They  danced  until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. 
 
Back at their table, the young lady took a  napkin and drew a picture of a  four-poster bed on it.

 
To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was  in  the furniture business.

[doylebros]

A policeman in Sydney, Australia pulled over a driver who had been weaving in and out of the traffic.

He approached the car window and said, "Sir I need you to blow into this breathalyser."

The man reaches into his pocket and produces a doctor's note.

On it was written: "This man suffers from chronic asthma.  Do not make him perform any action that may leave him short of breath."

The policeman said, "Okay then I need you to come and give a blood sample."

The man produced another letter.

This one said: "This man is a haemophiliac.  Please do not cause him to bleed in any way."

So the officer said: "Right, I need a urine sample then."

The man produces a third letter from his pocket.

It read: "This man plays Cricket for England, please don't take the piss out of him."
 
 

[doylebros]

This EMAIL made me laugh today

WORDS

If there is a shred of doubt that
the world is totally insane, this will remove it.
This says it all….
 
Pythagoras’ Theorem.…………………………24 words.
 
The Lord’s Prayer……………………………………66 words.
 
Archimedes’ Principle…………………………………67 words.
 
The Ten Commandments……………………………….179 words.
 
The Gettysburg Address………………………………………286 words.
 
The US Declaration of Independence………………………..1,300 words.
 
The US Constitution with all 27 Amendments……………………7,818 words.
 
EU Regulations on the sale of Cabbages……………………………………26,911 words
 
( Lawyers...!!!)
 
 
Impossibilities in the world.
 
1.     You can’t count your hair.
 
2.     You can’t wash your eyes with soap.
 
3.     You can’t breathe when your tongue is out.
   
(Put your tongue back in your mouth you silly person.)
 
 
Ten (10) things I know about you.
 
1.     You are reading this
 
2.     You are human.
 
3.     You can’t say the letter ”P” without separating your lips.
 
4.     You just attempted to do it.
 
6.     You are laughing at yourself
 
7.     You have a smile on your face and you skipped         No. 5.
 
8.     You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
 
9.     You are laughing at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.
 
10.  You are probably going to send this on to see who else falls for it.
 
You have received this e-mail because
I did not want to be alone in the idiot category.
 
Have a great day.
 

[MC71]

^^^^ I was sticking my tongue out!  

[Stanipkiss]

^^^^^ dito