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General => Random Chat => Topic started by: Greeners on July 17, 2009, 02:12:09 pm

Title: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Greeners on July 17, 2009, 02:12:09 pm

As the old one seems to have gone?  :chicken:



When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was
attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him
How he had sex?

'Tarzan not know sex' he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said 'Oh, Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'

Horrified Jane said, 'Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you
how to do it properly.' She took off her clothing and lay down on the
ground, here she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'

Tarzan removed his loincloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her hard in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed 'What did you do  that for?'

Tarzan replied, 'check for squirrel.'



-----------------------------------------------------------



I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 84).


We decided to grab a bite at the food court.


I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.


The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue.


My dad kept staring at him.


The teenager would look and find him staring every time.


When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked:


 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'


Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; 


And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response:


'Got stoned once and f*cked a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: dan.payne on July 17, 2009, 03:11:24 pm

 :signLOL:

Love the Tarzan one!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: gulfstream11 on July 17, 2009, 03:58:21 pm

 
 

 
A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas, coconuts and the few fish that he managed to catch.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore on a boat.. In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'

She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank a few months ago.'

'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a rowing boat wash up with you.'

'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made this boat out of raw materials that I found on the other side of the island.. There's lots of wood, palms and vines.

'But, where did you get the tools?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'I found a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock. I used that for tools.

The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walkway leading to an exquisite hut painted in yellow and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says cas ually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'

'No thank you,' he mumbles, still dazed. 'I can't take any more coconut juice.'

'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I've managed to ferment some alcohol. How would you like a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a lovely fountain outside and I've made a razor out of tortoise bone..'

No longer surprised by anything, the man goes to shower and shave.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'Whatever will it be next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?'

She stares provocatively into his eyes ...

He swallows excitedly and tears start to well-up in his eyes.....
......
.......
......
......
......
......
......
'f*cking hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports
 

 
 

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: The wheel man on July 18, 2009, 09:09:32 am

^^^^^^^^^ Solid Gold  :grin: :grin:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on July 18, 2009, 08:22:22 pm

MATHS THROUGHOUT THE AGES
1. Teaching Maths in 1970

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.

What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths in 1980

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 80% of the price.

What is his profit?


3. Teaching Maths in 1990

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80.

How much was his profit?


4. Teaching Maths in 2000

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.

Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


5. Teaching Maths in 2005

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.

Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.


6. Teaching Maths in 2009

A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to minority religious groups not consulted in the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it is deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident, however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies.

He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash.
They also have a leaving BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?


7. Teaching Maths in 2010

A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and its money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub-prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses. The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.

Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the government’s expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.

You do the maths.


8. Teaching Maths in 2017



أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانتاج
من الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on July 18, 2009, 08:22:56 pm

At the height of the arms race, the Western World and Russians realised that, if they continued, they would someday end up destroying the world. So they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with a dogfight.

The negotiators agreed that each country would take five years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its country the right to rule the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest, meanest Dobermen and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian Wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy from each litter, killed all the other puppies and fed the lone dog all of the milk. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine, until, after the five years were up, they had a dog that needed iron prison bars on his cage. Only the trainers could handle this beast.

When the day of the big fight arrived, the British showed up with a strange animal: It was a nine-foot-long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for us. No one else thought this weird animal stood a chance against the growling beast in the Russian camp. The bookies predicted the Russians would win in less than a minute.

The cages were opened. The Dachshund waddled toward the centre of the ring. The Russian dog leapt from his cage and charged the giant sausage-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Brits dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Russian beast in one bite. There was nothing left but a small bit of fur from the killer dog's tail.

The Russians approached the British trainers, shaking their heads in disbelief. "We do not understand. Our top scientists and breeders worked for five years with the meanest, biggest Doberman and Rottweiler's. They developed a killing machine."

"Really?" the Brits replied. "We had our top plastic surgeons working solidly for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund...."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Greeners on July 24, 2009, 01:58:45 pm

Penguin Holiday....

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, “It looks like you blew a seal.”

“No, no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just ice cream.“

 Penguin Daytrip...
 A bus driver on his route sees a van from the zoo stranded on the side of the road. The zoo worker offers the bus driver $100 to help him deliver two dozen penguins. The bus driver agrees and loads the penguins on the bus.

An hour later, the zoo worker gets his van fixed and heads to the zoo. On the road, he sees the bus driver and the penguins driving in the opposite direction. He catches up to the bus and pulls them over.

The zoo worker yells, "I gave you a £100 to take the penguins to the zoo for me. Why are you still driving them around?"

"Calm down," the bus driver says, "I took the penguins to the zoo. We had change left over, so now I'm taking them to the movies."
 
Door trick...
Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."
 
Navy boy...
 
 Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on. That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired back to their room.
 
 Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling. Ones feet are killing me.'
 
 Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour . . . . But it would not budge.
 
 'Harder' yelled Camilla.
 
 'Harder' Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'
 
 'Come on give it all you've got ' she cried..
 
 Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'There! Oh God, that feels so good.'
 
 In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said 'See I told you she was still a virgin with a face like that!'
 
 Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this ones even tighter'
 
 At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen 'That’s my boy, Once a Navy man, always a navy man!'

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: gaz b on July 31, 2009, 07:47:55 pm

My mates nickname is THE BLACKSMITH...

everytime it is his round he makes a bolt for the door.............. :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on July 31, 2009, 08:23:09 pm

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake.. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'



To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank cheque.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on July 31, 2009, 08:24:33 pm

A mother asked her young daughter what she wanted for her birthday.

The little girl replied, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."

"G.I. Joe?" the mother asked. "I thought Barbie came with Ken."

The daughter replied, "no, she comes with G.I. Joe...










...She fakes it with Ken."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on July 31, 2009, 08:26:16 pm

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist:

'Doc, I'm in a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, 'My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.'

So the dentist asks him, 'Which tooth is it sir?'



The man turned to his wife and said, 'Open your mouth, honey, and show him.'

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on July 31, 2009, 08:26:57 pm

A very loud, fat, greasy, unattractive, chav type woman wearing a Newcastle United top walked into ASDA in Sunderland with her two umpalumpa kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The ASDA greeter said pleasantly, “Good morning Madam, and welcome to ASDA. Nice children you have there. Are they twins by any chance?”

The ugly fat woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Whye na, they're not twins yer twat. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the ‘ell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, thick, stupid or just a cheese eater?”

“I’m neither blind nor stupid, Madam,” replied the greeter. “I just couldn't believe you've been shagged twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at ASDA.”

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Cochese on July 31, 2009, 08:29:55 pm

Ruud Van Nistlrooy walked into a bar.
 The barman said
   "why the long face?"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: matsu on August 01, 2009, 08:00:45 pm

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.   I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
 
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
 

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Phil Mcavity on August 01, 2009, 08:41:03 pm

Quote from: matsu on August 01, 2009, 08:00:45 pm

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.   I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
 
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
 

Quality :congrats:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Rich on August 02, 2009, 11:32:08 am

Quote from: Phil Mcavity on August 01, 2009, 08:41:03 pm

Quote from: matsu on August 01, 2009, 08:00:45 pm

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.   I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
 
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
 

Quality :congrats:

Quality  :congrats:  x 2

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Rich on August 02, 2009, 11:35:13 am

Condoms For Every Man

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What's are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," The dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."




Money Needed

A student had spent all his money, so he called his mother from college and asked if she could send him some.

"Of course, I'll send you some money, dear," Mom said. "By the way, you left your calculus book here when you visited last month. Would you like me to send that to you too?"

"Ummmmm, oh yeah, OK Mom," the boy replied.

So, Mom wrapped the book, together with the checks, kissed Dad goodbye and went to the post office to mail the parcel.

When she returned, Dad asked, "So, how much did you send him this time?"

"I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000," Mom replied.

"Have you lost your mind?" Dad exclaimed. "That's $1020!"

"Not to worry," Mom said calmly, as she kissed the top of Dad's head. "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 check somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: gadget on August 02, 2009, 05:36:23 pm

Old Flame

 
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who This morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

 
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

 
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.

 
'Wow!' I was flabbergasted.

 
'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said, 'I'm a bit older

 
and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'

 
She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.

 
'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'

 
0A
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

 
She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

 
Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'

 
So I told her to feck off. :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Rich on August 02, 2009, 10:16:31 pm

 :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin:^^^^^^ :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: gadget on August 02, 2009, 10:28:47 pm

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:

1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"

"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."

The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on August 04, 2009, 06:25:58 pm

Its not Friday but what the hell.

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.

My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.

A woman brings eight-year- old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh!t."

Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in..

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed..
How could anyone stoop so low?

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

When this lass asked me if I preferred legs, thighs or breasts, I told her that I had a fondness for shaved Vaginas.
She then told me that this wasn't an option with the KFC Bargain Bucket

 :evilgrin:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Top Cat on August 04, 2009, 08:38:38 pm

I love Tommy cooper style jokes. Just laughed out loud at a couple of them.  :grin:  :happy2:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: gadget on August 04, 2009, 08:52:34 pm

Dwarf made me chuckle  :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on August 07, 2009, 10:02:28 pm

Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'

Without a word Paddy slips over the side, only to find himself standing in water up to his knees. 'Dis'll neva do, Mick. Let's row some more.'

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again, but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.

Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?' Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No, dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface, gasping for breath. 'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'

'Aye 'tis', says Paddy. 'Hand me da shovel.'

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on August 07, 2009, 10:04:27 pm

A guy goes into a bar and orders five shooters. The bartender asks him: "Geez, guy, are you OK?"

The guy answers: "I just found out my brother is gay."

The same guy goes into the same bar a week later and orders 10 shooters. The bartender again asks him: "Are you OK?"

The guy answers: "I just found out my other brother is gay."

Next week, the guy goes into the bar and orders 15 shooters.

"Geez, doesn't anyone in your family like girls?" the bartender asks.

"Yes," replies the guy: "my sister."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on August 07, 2009, 10:05:50 pm

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door, she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

"What are you doing?", she exclaimed.

The daughter replied: "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?", he exclaimed.

The daughter replied: "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?", he asked.

He replied: "Watching the game with my son-in-law."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on August 07, 2009, 10:06:41 pm

A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he asks.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says: "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

"You barstewards!" says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on August 07, 2009, 10:07:22 pm

Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and 11 other bells began to ring.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on August 07, 2009, 10:09:41 pm

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her 9-year-old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Yes it is," the man replies.

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

"No thanks," the man replies.

"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.

"Okay. How much?" the man asks after considering the position he is in.

"25 dollars," the little boy replies.

"25 DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

"Yes it is," replies the man.

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

"Okay. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

"50 dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."

"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

"75 dollars," the little boy says.

"75 DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness, the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that crap in here now," the priest replies.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on August 07, 2009, 10:10:09 pm

A blond pirate walks off his ship. He has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand and a patch over his right eye. He sits down on a bench and begins throwing peanuts to the seagulls. Two curious young children shyly sit down next to him and ask the blond pirate how he came to have a wooden leg.

The blond pirate replies, "Well, I was standing on the deck of me ship one day, and a wave washed me overboard. Then, a hungry shark attacked me and bit me leg off."

The little boy then asks, "How did you lose your hand?"

"Many years ago, I was fighting the Navy, and one of them boys cut me hand off. Me doc couldn't find a hand, so he gave me this hook."

Next, the little girl asks, "How did you lose your eye?"

"Well, I was standing watch up in the crow's nest, and just as I looked up, a lousy seagull flew over and did his business right in me eye."

The children, now thoroughly confused, ask, "How did that cause you to lose your eye?"

"Well," the blond pirate explains, "it was me first day with the hook."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on August 07, 2009, 10:11:34 pm

A blonde walks into a doctor’s office with burns on both of her ears. The doctor asks her what happened.

"Well..." she begins, "I was ironing my work suit when the phone rang and I mistakenly picked up the iron instead of the phone."

"Well that explains one ear," the doctor said, "but what about the other?"

"The barstewards called again!"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on August 07, 2009, 10:11:58 pm

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees three golf balls and $1,000.

She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains: "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer."

She figures three times in 30 years isn't bad and asks: "But what about the $1,000?"

"Oh, that..." he replied: "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on August 07, 2009, 10:12:20 pm

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her outer labia are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor and says: "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

"Don't worry," he says: "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself."

"Who is the third rose from?" she asks.

"Oh," says the doctor: "that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on August 07, 2009, 10:12:51 pm

Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them. In fact, they could only raise the staggering sum of two dollars.

"Hang on, I have an idea," Murphy said.

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

"Are you crazy?" Seamus asked. "Now we don't have any money at all!"

"Don't worry," Murphy replied. "Just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson.

"Now you've lost it," Seamus said. "Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!"

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry," he said. "I have a plan."

They downed their drinks. Murphy said: "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the 10th pub, Seamus said, "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!"

"How do you think I feel?” Murphy replied. "I’m so drunk I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on August 14, 2009, 09:02:42 pm

A Jelly Baby walks into a doctor's with liquorice on the end of his dick.

The doctors asks, "What the hell have you been doing?"

The Jelly Baby replies,




"f*cking allsorts!"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on August 14, 2009, 09:03:22 pm

My father owns a farm, on which he keeps cows and pigs. He works hard, so recently took a short holiday, leaving me in charge of the farm.
Unfortunately, one night I left a gate open, and all of the cows ran away.

When my father returned, I went to him nervously, worried about what he would do when he found out. But when I told him, he simply said,





"Not to worry, son. We may have lost the cattle, but we have not lost the boar."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on August 14, 2009, 09:05:45 pm

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field. Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, intending never to be seen in his home town again.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"

Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."

Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."

Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."

The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on August 14, 2009, 09:07:29 pm

It's Christmas Eve and George is stood perched on a bridge ready to throw himself off as life is just too much. He's lost his job and is about to lose his house and go bankrupt. His found out his wife was having an affair, and his 15 year old daughter has got pregnant by her waster of a boyfriend.

Just as he's about to jump, he gets a tap on the shoulder. To his surprise he is greated by Santa - suited and booted in his red robes and carrying his sack. 'Why so blue on Christmas eve? ho ho ho!'

So George tells him his woes, and Santa replies,

'I can't have that on Christmas Eve! I tell you what, I will sort this for you. Tomorrow on Christmas morning you will wake to find out your wife has returned realising she has made a mistake, your daughter will miscarry and will dump the boyfriend and go to university and grow up to be rich, and that lottery ticket you bought will have won - £5 million! Ho ho ho!'

George is so thankful, he asks if there is anything he can do in return.

'Ho ho ho! Well, not alot of people know I am acutally gay, and don't get much action at the North Pole. And you're a good looking man...'

George is obviously taken aback at this, but faced with the prospect of jumping off the bridge or the rewards Santa had promised he dutifully drops his trousers and bends over. As Santa is pumping away is says,

'Ho ho ho!!! And how old are you?'

George replies - 54

'Ho ho ho! You're a bit f*cking old to believe in Santa!'

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on August 14, 2009, 09:09:32 pm

My job is so f*cking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless.
The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup.
She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself.
She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet.
Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10.
I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts.
I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the f*cking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead.
In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work.
He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22.
He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big f*cking dog to work.

Every f*cking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke.
Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing.
Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single f*cking day.



Anyway, I drive these f*cktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and sh*t.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on August 14, 2009, 09:12:29 pm

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of $10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask him where the $10 million bucks he embezzled from me is.'

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is. The bookkeeper signs back: 'I don't know what you are talking about.'

The attorney tells the Godfather: 'He says he doesn't know what you're talking about.'

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, 'Ask him again!'

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him!'

The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK!OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !'

The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say?'

The attorney replies: 'He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger.'


Don't you just love lawyers?!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: NEWEY on August 21, 2009, 01:02:52 pm

why shouldnt you wear Russian underpants?


Chernobyl fall out!




Where does Osama Bin Laden keep his cd's?

In a rack!
 :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: VC on August 21, 2009, 10:29:56 pm

Three deaf blokes go into a pub. They sit down and one of them approaches the bar.

"Three pints please" (said in your most patronising deaf imitation)
"That'll be £15 please" says the barman
"£15 for three pints?"
"Yeah, we've got a band on tonmight" the barman replies.
"A band?" says the deaf man "is it a rock band?"
"No, not a rock band"
"Is it a pop band?"
"No, not a pop band"
"What kind of band is it?"
"Its a country and western band" the barman says.

Deaf bloke pays and goes back to his mates.
"£15 for three pints" he says
"£15 for three pints?" says one of his mates.
"Yeah, they've got a band on"
"A band? what kind of band? is it a rock band?" his mate asks
"No" says the deaf bloke, "not a rock band"
"Is it a pop band?" his other mate asks
"No, it's not a pop band"
"Well what kind of band is it? anybody famous?" his mates ask,

















"It's just some c*nt from Preston" the deaf bloke reports  :grin:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: gadget on August 21, 2009, 11:15:40 pm

Sean Connery
was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age,he could still have sex 3 times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.

After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer, Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.

So they went back to her place and got comfortable

After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand".

Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.

Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."

"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun". Cilla complies with the routine.

The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"

Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet !"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: gaz b on August 22, 2009, 08:56:55 am

Husband Store 

 

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

 

 

 

 

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

 

 

 

 

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

 

 

 

 

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

 

 

 

 

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

 

 

 

 

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

 

 

 

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

 

 

 

 

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

 

 

 

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

 

 

 

 

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

 

 

 

 

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

 

 

 

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

 

 

 

 

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

 

 

 

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

 

 

 

 

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

 

 

 

 

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

 

 

 

 

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.   (scroll and keep reading!)

 

 

PLEASE NOTE:

 

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

 

 

 

The first floor has wives that love sex.

 

 

 

T he second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

 

 

 

 

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: QD MBE on August 22, 2009, 09:12:36 am

A bloke enters a crowded pub with a Crocodile  under his arm................

The barman says  "you can't bring that in here - It is a dangerous animal..............

Chap " dangerous, dangerous, it does tricks"

Barman says "tricks you barmy get!"  " Ok show me and you can stay"

Bloke clicks his fingers, and the crocodile stands on its nose, bloke clicks again, and the croc stands on its tail,   3 times and the croc starts juggling 4 balls.

The bloke then gets his penis out, and puts it in the crocs mouth, takes a big piece of wood out of his bag and hits the croc as hard as he can behind the head.


The croc slams its mouth shut to within a mm of the guys penis, but does not touch it.............................

The pub is mesmerised, the chap turns to the pub, and says "anyone else want a go doing these tricks"

A little old lady, says "I will have a go, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that croc!"
 :laugh: :laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Greeners on September 04, 2009, 09:24:37 am

^^^^^^^ I recognise that one QD!  :wink:

Here's one for the fools lads about to get married:

Paul and Mary get married but couldn't  afford a honeymoon -
 
so they go back to Paul's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.  
 
 
In the morning Johnny - Paul's little brother - gets up and has his breakfast.  
 
As he is  going out of the door to go to school -
 
he asks his mom if Paul and Mary are  up yet.  
 
She replies -  No.  
 
Johnny asks -  Do you know what I think ?
 
His  mom replies - I don't want to hear what you think !  
 
Just go to school.
 
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom -
 
Are Paul and Mary up yet ?
 
She replies - No.
 
Johnny says -  Do you know what I think ?  
 
His mom replies -  Never mind what  you think !
 
Eat your lunch and go back  to school ..
 
After school -  Johnny comes home and asks again -
 
Are Paul and Mary up yet ?
 
His mom says -  No.    
 
He asks - Do you know what I think ?  
 
His mom replies - Ok -  now tell me what you think
 
He says - Last night Paul came to my room for the   Vaseline and I think...
 
I gave him my airplane glue.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Greeners on September 11, 2009, 08:31:46 am

What's In a name?
 
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session
with four young mothers and their small children.
 
‘You all have obsessions,' he observed.
 
To the first mother, Mary, he said,
'You are obsessed with eating.  You've even named your daughter Candy.'
 
He turned to the second mum, Ann:
'Your obsession is with money.  Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'
 
He turned to the third Mom, Kathy:
'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
 
At this point, the fourth mother, quietly got up, took her little boy
by the hand and whispered,
'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what  he's talking about.
Let’s pick up Willy and Fanny from school and go home.....
 
 
Ask questions first....

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather
dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early
fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer someone else", said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000
a visit.
 
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and
gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
 
After an hour, the man calmly left....

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see
Valerie...
 
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a
row, as she was so expensive.
 
There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
 
After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.
 
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night,
but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man,
 
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh ."

"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh .."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor.
I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.

1. Death
2.. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: VC on September 11, 2009, 09:33:39 am

A woman is taking golf lessons. She had started her first round when she was stung by a bee.
She went back to the clubhouse for help. Her golf pro asked why she was back so early, to which she replied that she had been stung by a bee. 'where did it sting you?' he asked.
'Between the first and second hole' she replied. To which her golf pro said 'your legs are too far apart'


A dwarf with a lisp goes to buy a horse. "What are you looking for?" asks the owner.

"A female horth" replies the dwarf. The owner shows him a mare.

"Nithe horth, can i thee her eyeth?" The owner picks him up, and shows him the horses eyes.

"Nithe eyeth, can i thee her teef"? He again lifts the dwarf and shows him the mares teeth.

"Nice teef, can i see her twot?" With that the owner shoves the dwarfs head up the mares fanny and pulls it out a short while later.

"I'll ree-fwase that" he said. "can i see her run around"?

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: joesgti on September 24, 2009, 01:49:47 pm

IRISH SAUSAGES

 

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

 

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

 

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

 

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

 

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

 

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints

of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

 

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

 

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '

 

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

 

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

 

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

 

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

 

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel?

I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'
















I know its not Friday  :P

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Greeners on September 25, 2009, 01:39:43 pm

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a most deserted beach at Ft. Myers, Florida .
 
She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.
 
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him..  "How are you today?"
 
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
 
"I love the beach.  Do you come here often?" she asked.
 
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
 
"I sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely" she countered. "Do you live around here?”  She asked.
 
"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ," he answered, and again he resumed reading.
 
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted," Do you like pussy cats?"
 
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.
 
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
 
The man replied. "How did you know my name is Katz?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through
Wales.
 
At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch
 
they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress,
 
"Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can
you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?"
 
 
The girl leaned over and said, "Burrr....gurrr....king."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and
went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur . 'Since you've been such a good man
and
your motorcycles

have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you
want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out
with God.'

St.. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who
invented
the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's
pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you
the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur , professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws in your invention !

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited
for
the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur ,
'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than
yours'.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on September 25, 2009, 02:42:33 pm

Wife gets naked and asks her hubby:
 
"What turns you on more. My pretty face or my sexy body?"
 
Hubby looks her up and down and replies:
 
Your f***ing sense of humour!"
 
*************************************************
 
Man goes to the doctor with a hearing problem and the doc says can you describe the symptoms?
 
Man says Homer is a fat ba**ard and Marge has blue hair!"
 
*************************************************
 
A woman has been admitted to hospital with a Hoover nozzle wedged in her fanny.
 
Although she is in intensive care doctors say she's picking up nicely!
 
*************************************************
 
A teacher draws a penis on the board and asks if any one knows what it is.
 
Little Johnny puts his hand up and says "Yes sir, my Dad has two of them."
 
"Two?" says the teacher.
 
"Yes sir, he has a small one for weeing and a big one for cleaning the babysitters teeth!"
 
*************************************************
 
Jonathan Ross has been arrested for stealing a kitchen utensil from Debenhams.
 
He said "It was a whisk I was prepared to take!"
 
*************************************************
 
Bloke says to his wife "Why don't you tell me when you're having an orgasm?"
 
She says "I don't like ringing you at work!"
 
*************************************************
 
A friend of mine in the Parachute Regiment has been stationed in Switzerland for the last 2 years.
 
He's recently married a local girl who can wash up with one hand, cook with the other, dust with a foot while sucking his c**k as she opens a beer with her arse.
 
She's a Swiss Army wife!!
 
*************************************************
Alternative Nursery Rhymes
 
Mary had a little lamb
It's fleece was white and wispy
Along came foot and mouth disease
And now it's black and crispy
 
*************************************************
 
Sex has gone downhill recently so I bought the wife a dildo.
 
She said it looked like a giant carrot - which is ironic as her fanny looks like a donkey yawning!
 
*************************************************
 
After having a 69 with his girlfriend, Brian remembered that he had an appointment at the dentist.
 
He was afraid the dentist would notice the smell of fanny on his breathe so he brushed his teeth, used floss and rinsed with Listerine.
 
As he arrived he ate some mints and waited,
 
His turn came up and the dentist told him to take a seat.
 
Feeling confident and relaxed, he opened his mouth wide.
 
The dentist got close and said "Did you have a 69 before you came here?"
 
Brian says "How did you know. Does my breathe smell like fanny?"
 
The dentist said "No, you have a skid mark on your forehead!"
 
**************************************************
 
Paddy's wife goes to the doctor complaining that after ten years of marriage she had never had an orgasm.
 
The doctor advised her to relax and use a fan to keep her cool during sex.
 
Paddy refused to pay money for a fan and asked his mate if he would mind waving a towel while they made love, but still she didn't orgasm.
 
Next day she asked Paddy if they could swap over. So Paddy's mate made love to her and after 20 minutes of the best mind blowing sex she'd ever had, she orgasmed.
 
Paddy looked at his mate and said...
 
"and that, my old son, is how to flap a fu**ing towel!"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Greeners on October 09, 2009, 01:41:28 pm

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle..

His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this
house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it..'

 

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'


Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. I'll be damned if I'm  staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!"

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year,

 

the Wongs have a new baby.

The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy,

but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.
 
'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents.

'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'


The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,

 

 

 

'Well, two Wong's don't make a white,

 

 

 

so I think we will name him...

 


Are you ready for this?
 
     

 



 

Sum Ting Wong


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a coke, you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a coke for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another coke dogface!" Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another coke but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now you old goat!"

The next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you've got guts!"

 :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: The wheel man on October 16, 2009, 03:44:16 pm

So I’m at work yesterday and the mail clerk starts handing out letters from upper management. At this point, I’m thinking “Oh crap, how am I gonna tell my family I got laid off?” Fortunately, I’m only 29 years old. You’ll understand when you read the letter.
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much sh*t (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of sh*t it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough sh*t, please bring to the attention of your Manager. They have been trained to give you all the sh*t you can get.

 :signLOL: :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Greeners on October 16, 2009, 04:25:37 pm

Little Johnny #1


The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him for his offering.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.............

Little Johnny #2

The teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multisyllabic words, class. Does anyone have an example of a multisyllabic word?"

Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, teacher! Oh, me, me!"

The teacher smiles and says, "Alright, Johnny, what is your multisyllabic word?"

Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."

The teacher is taken aback, but she manages to smile and says, "Wow, Johnny, that's a mouthful."

Little Johnny says, "No, ma'am, you're thinking of a blow job. I'm talking about jerking off."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on October 30, 2009, 08:54:53 pm

Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams and Elton John were walking over a bridge.
 
Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings.
 
With a sideways glance, Robbie pulls aside her G-String, and bonks her senseless!   He stands back and tells Elton "your turn".
 
Elton bursts into tears.
 
"What's up?" asks Robbie.
 
Elton sobs, "My head won't fit through the railings"

 :booty:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on October 30, 2009, 08:59:29 pm

This math test can predict your all time most watched film, mine was Saving Private Ryan.  Try it without looking at the answers.  It works!


 
Pick a number from 1 - 9.

Multiply by 3.
Add 3, then multiply by 3 again.
   
You will get your answer by adding the  two  digits together to find your all time favourite movie.
 
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
 
Good Luck  It is:
 

   
1.   Gone with the wind.
   
2.   Aliens.
   
3.   Oliver
   
4.   Star Wars
   
5.   Forrest Gump.
   
6.   Saving Private Ryan.
   
7.   Jaws.
   
8.   Grease.
   
9.   The joy of Anal Sex with male goats & leather clad gay boys.
   
10.   Mary Poppins.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on October 30, 2009, 09:49:09 pm

Very good Hedge! The answer will always be the same one!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on October 30, 2009, 10:35:28 pm

Quote from: stealthwolf on October 30, 2009, 09:49:09 pm

Very good Hedge! The answer will always be the same one!

I know that, you know that but some will change their way of life on the results of that.  :wink:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on November 13, 2009, 10:26:31 am

GORDON BROWN was visiting a Scottish primary school and he visited one of the classes.
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
A little boy stood up and offered: 'If ma best freen, wha lives on a fairm, is playin' in the field an' a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a 'tragedy.' '
'No', said Gordon - 'that would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a skale bus kerryin' fufty children drove ower a cliff, killing a'b'dy inside, that wid be a tragedy'
'I'm afraid not', explained Gordon - 'that's what we would call a 'great loss'' .
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gordon searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, wee Johnny raised his hand...
In a quiet voice he said:
'If a plane kerryin' you and Mr. Darlin' wis struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic!' exclaimed Gordon. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
'Weel,' says wee Johnny 'it his tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss.....

and it probably widnae be a f***ing accident either!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on November 13, 2009, 10:28:19 am

Ponder on these imponderables.
 
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
 
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
 
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
 
5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
 
6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
 
7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
 
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
 
9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
 
10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
 
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
 
12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
 
13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
 
14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?
 
15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
 
16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
 
18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
 
19. Ever wonder about those people who spend £1.50 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
 
20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
 
21. If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on November 13, 2009, 10:32:34 am

The Story of Adam & Eve's Pets

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal
And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail 

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'


And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased . . . . . .

And Dog was happy. . . . .

And Cat didn't give a sh!t one way or the other....

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on November 13, 2009, 10:34:34 am

When love fades...

A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen.

What would you like for dinner Love ? Chicken, beef or lamb ?

He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

“F#ck You. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on November 13, 2009, 10:36:57 am

I only forward this in case it helps you save a life!
 

A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress,  and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey
The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,  yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her butt.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
 
Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it.'
 :booty: :booty: :booty:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on November 13, 2009, 02:38:31 pm

 :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on November 21, 2009, 12:26:45 am

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed
to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad
news. The donkey's died.'

Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.' The farmer
said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'

Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer
asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, 'You
can't raffle a dead donkey!'

Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened
with that dead donkey?'

Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a
piece and made a profit of £898'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Paddy said, 'Just the
guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back.'

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on November 21, 2009, 12:27:39 am

An Inspector comes to a school in Glasgow and
asks a child in the first class he enters

" Who knocked down the walls of Jericho?"

" Please, sur, it wisny me " says the child.

The inspector is not impressed and takes the matter up with the teacher who says...

" Well if wee Jimmy says he didnae knock down the walls of Jericho..... then I'll believe him!"

The Inspector... even less impressed now.... goes to the Headmaster and tells him that not only does one of his pupils not know who knocked down the walls of Jericho, but his TEACHER doesn't know either......

.....at which point the Headmaster gets out his wallet and says......

" Well if I offer to pay for the damage do you think we could forget all about it ?"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on November 21, 2009, 12:28:37 am

A white man is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The chap makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear. The next thing the man knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful lovers. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are two people dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead. As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies.

One blonde genie says to the other one," I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful lovers in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on November 21, 2009, 12:29:37 am

Husband and wife in church, getting up from a kneeling position the wife lets go a fart...

Wife: Dear, I've just let go a silent fart, what should I do?

Husband: Change your hearing aid batteries.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on November 21, 2009, 12:30:13 am

A wife is really unhappy about the fact that whenever her husband gets drunk he snore. She is wittering on at a mother's meeting and one of the other mothers says "I had that problem and I found if I tied a ribbon around my husband's testicles he stopped snoring"
That night her husband goes out and gets really drunk. It is raining on the way home and for reasons only know to a drunk trying to find his way home he comes across a dog and he decides that the dog deserves to be in a nice warm house. He comes home leaves the dog in the kitchen gets into bed next to his wife and within seconds is snoring.
She can't stand the noise so after a bit she roots about in the cupboard and finds a bit of blue ribbon and ties it around his testicles. Perfect peace but not quite quiet, she can hear snoring from downstairs. She goes downs stairs and sees a dog snoring so she finds another bit of ribbon this time red and ties it around the dogs balls. Then sh goes to sleep. The next day she gets up and goes to work.
The husband gets up and while dressing finds the ribbon. He is a bit confused, then he goes downstairs and finds the dog.He says to the dog. Well chum I can't remember a thing about last night but I came first and you came second.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on November 21, 2009, 12:33:39 am

An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident. In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.


'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question..'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move..

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up.. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what would you say?'

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on November 21, 2009, 12:34:51 am

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything..

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered ....


.....


'THE TEETH'.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on November 21, 2009, 12:36:45 am

A man attends his GP's surgery and says"Doc,I've got a sex problem!"

The Doctor enquires sympathetically"What's wrong?"

The guy replies "Well,first of all my wife wakes me at 5am for a 2 hour sex session every morning before I go to work!"

The Doctor nods and is about to speak when the man continues

"That's not all...on the train to work there's a blonde conductress who lets me off paying my fare if I shag her!"

"I see !" said the Doctor.

"No, you don't ! cos, once I'm at work my female boss tells me that I have to service her regularly or I'll lose my job!My secretary also demands sexual favours from me so that she won't tell my wife that I'm shagging my boss !!! Then to top it off, the conductress is after me on the train journey home , and my wife pounces on me as soon as I get through the front door !"

The dumbfounded Doctor asks "So what exactly is your problem ?!"







"Well, Doc .... you see it hurts when I wank !!"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Greeners on January 15, 2010, 12:10:03 pm

It's been so cold recently that even the politicians had their hands in their own pockets!
 
 
Harry: How did you find the weather while you were away?
 
Tom: It was just outside the front door!
 
 
I'm saving for a rainy day, so far I've got a pair of wellingtons, a canoe and two umbrellas!
 
Little Johnny walks into his classroom wearing a single glove. His teacher asks him why?
"Well," says Johnny, "I was watching the weaher report on TV and it said it was going to be sunny, but on the other hand it could get quite cold."
 
 
Tom arrives at a hotel in a Scottish village on a cold, grey, drizzly day. The weather remains the same for two weeks. Exasperated, Tom stops a little boy in the street and asks;
 
"Does the weather here ever change?"
 
"I don't know," replies the boy. "I'm only six."
 
People always complain about the weather - but no one ever seems to do anything about it!
 
What's a bigamist?    An Italian fog!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: VC on January 15, 2010, 12:41:04 pm

two parrots on a perch, one says to the other.. "can you smell fish?"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on January 15, 2010, 03:45:53 pm

 :grin:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on January 15, 2010, 04:21:13 pm

(https://www.mk5golfgti.co.uk/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdaz.co%2Fmedia%2Fw7%2Fhedge_68%2Fpenguins.jpg&hash=36417034505b33f7b44eeaa0ba73d77fbd2ea892)

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Greeners on January 22, 2010, 09:04:00 am

THE WASHINGTON POST HAS  PUBLISHED THE WINNING SUBMISSIONS TO ITS YEARLY CONTEST, IN WHICH READERS ARE ASKED TO SUPPLY ALTERNATE MEANINGS FOR COMMON WORDS... AND THE WINNERS ARE:

1. coffee, n. the person upon whom one coughs.

2. flabbergasted, adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. abdicate, v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. esplanade, v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. willy-nilly, adj. impotent.

6. negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. lymph, v. to walk with a lisp.

8. gargoyle, n. olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. flatulence, n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. balderdash, n. a rapidly receding hairline.

11. testicle, n. a humorous question on an exam.

12. rectitude, n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. pokemon , n. a Rastafarian proctologist..

14. oyster, n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. circumvent, n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: VC on January 22, 2010, 09:27:08 am

 :grin: @ 13

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Greeners on January 22, 2010, 10:20:31 am

Quote from: Very Cherry on January 22, 2010, 09:27:08 am

:grin: @ 13

Thats the one that made me chuckle too!  :laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on January 22, 2010, 10:26:06 am

I liked 7 that made me  :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: gaz b on January 22, 2010, 04:50:08 pm

Did you hear about the blind circumsiser?

He got the sack!!!!! :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Greeners on February 05, 2010, 12:27:43 pm

A London lawyer and a Yorkshire man are sitting next to each other on a
long flight to Leeds.

The lawyer is thinking that Yorkshire men are all 'cloth cap and
clogs' and that he can fool them easily...
So the lawyer asks if the Yorkshire man would like to play a fun game.
The Yorkshire man is tired and just wants to take a nap, so
he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer
persists and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question,
and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only £5; you ask me one,
and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500.'

As may be expected, this catches the Yorkshire man's attention and to
keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The
Earth to the moon?'

The Yorkshire man doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out
a five-pound note, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Yorkshire man's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a
hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all the references he knows. He
uses the air-phone; he searches the Net and even the British Library.
He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After over an hour of searching, he finally gives up..

He wakes up the Yorkshire man and hands him £500. The Yorkshire man
pockets the £500 and goes straight back to sleep.

The lawyer is going crazy not knowing the answer. He wakes the
Yorkshire man up and asks, 'Well! What goes up a hill with three legs
and comes down with four?'

The Yorkshire man reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer £5 and goes
back to sleep.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on February 05, 2010, 05:40:39 pm

^^^fantastic!  :congrats:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on February 05, 2010, 05:44:59 pm

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,

"What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."


"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.


Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."


He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."


"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"


"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,

"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on February 05, 2010, 05:47:20 pm

[racist joke]
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy,"You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says,"You're in charge of shovelling." And to the Chinese guy he says, "You're in charge of supplies." "Now I have to leave for a little while, I expect you guys to make a big dent in that pile of sand."

So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when he returns, the pile is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies, "I have no broom.You said to the Chinese fella that he was in charge of supplies, but he has disappeared and I can't find him nowhere."

Then the foreman asks the Scotsman, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese laddie in charge of supplies, boot ahcouldnay fin'him either."

The foreman is real angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "SUPPLIES!!"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on February 05, 2010, 05:48:00 pm

Why Sentence Structure is Important
The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people: Mary or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both decent workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said, "Mary, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like sh*t this morning."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on February 05, 2010, 05:48:58 pm

Three knots
An old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing? '

The prostitute replies, Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots '

'Three knots?' he asks.'What's that supposed to mean??'

She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Greeners on February 05, 2010, 07:25:21 pm

 :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Greeners on March 05, 2010, 09:20:29 am

I needed a few days off work, but I knew that my Boss would not allow me
to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a
few days off.

So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.



My colleague (who's blonde) asked me what the hell I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss
might think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What the
heck are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a
couple of days".

I jumped down and walked out of the office, trying not to grin.

My co-worker (the blonde) followed me. The Boss asked her "...And where
do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the bloody dark!



----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica.



They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.



From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent
say,"You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the married couple walked in.



The Jamaican said to them, "I ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild in bed."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Love God that he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you a wild love machine?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: "You got dem on de wrong feet"!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on March 05, 2010, 09:58:53 am

 :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hibs on March 05, 2010, 01:13:07 pm

Rejected ideas for Microsoft Windows 7...

"Hi. I'm Kate McCann and leaving Windows open was my idea...."

"Hi. I'm Joseph Fritzel and not having Windows was my idea.."

"Hi. I'm Harvey Price and licking windows was my idea!"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on April 09, 2010, 03:47:11 pm

This thread has been a bit quiet. Probably will remain that way after these.  :ashamed:

During a recent password audit at Bank of Ireland, it was found that Paddy O’Flaherty was using the following password:　 　 　 　 　 　　

　 　　MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyBerlin　 　 　 　 　 　　

When asked why he had such a long password

"Oi was told it had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital"　

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A British passenger in a taxi in Dublin leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from the edge of the bridge over the Liffey River.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, ‘Be-Jesus, I’m sorry, but you scared the devil out of me.’
The frightened Brit apologized to the driver and said he didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten an Irishman so much.
The driver replied, ‘ Will the Saints in Heaven forgive me, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab………………..
I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.’

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Top Cat on April 09, 2010, 05:44:50 pm

I was pondering why a Frisbee gets bigger as it gets closer. Then bang! it hit me.  :driver:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Saint Steve on April 09, 2010, 06:18:37 pm

Quote from: Top Cat on April 09, 2010, 05:44:50 pm

I was pondering why a Frisbee gets bigger as it gets closer. Then bang! it hit me.  :driver:

(https://www.mk5golfgti.co.uk/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi154.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fs264%2Fphilmcavity%2Flold.jpg&hash=090279f70db87e8bb7f26ca95004198de2fb7efe)

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on April 16, 2010, 10:48:28 am

A spot of Poetry for all you discerning folk.

WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong.

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's rich and self-employed,

And when I spend, won't be annoyed.

Pull out my chair and hold my hand.

Massage my feet and help me stand.

Oh send a king to make me queen.

A man who loves to cook and clean.

I pray this man will love no other.

And relish visits with my mother.


MAN'S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast

nymphomaniac with big t!ts who owns a bar on a

golf course, and loves to send me fishing and

drinking. This doesn't rhyme and I

don't give a sh!t.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on April 16, 2010, 11:29:03 am

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps..
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverblack gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now. Tell him you have a headache."

 :laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Top Cat on April 16, 2010, 12:00:55 pm

 :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: VC on April 16, 2010, 12:18:32 pm

While making love, he says:
- Darling, let's do 68!
- 68??? What's that?
- You do it to me and I'll owe you one.


A little boy asked his mother:
- Mummy, why are you white and I am black?
- Don’t even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you are lucky that you don’t bark.


Q. How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: theo on April 16, 2010, 06:09:50 pm

Few Volcano Jokes...

"The last time Iceland emitted something this annoying, it was wearing a swan dress"

"It's too early to make jokes about the Icelandic ash cloud... we need to let the dust settle first"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Nickyboy on April 16, 2010, 06:19:38 pm

Man says to his wife "Shall we play the rape game tonight?"

Wife replies "No!"

Husband replies "That's the spirit!"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Greeners on April 23, 2010, 09:35:07 am

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an
amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the
mother's labour pain to the baby's father.


He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in
favour of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that
even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced
before.

 

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked
the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.


The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine.

 

The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%.

 

The husband continued to feel quite well.

 

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged

the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband
had experienced none.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch.


BRAINS OF BRITAIN
 
 UNIVERSITY  CHALLENGE (BBC2) 
   Jeremy  Paxman:
  What is another  name for 'cherrypickers' and  'cheesemongers'?

   Contestant:
  Homosexuals..

   Jeremy Paxman:
  No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with  you

   BEG,  BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2) 
   Jamie Theakston:
  Where do you think  Cambridge University  is?

   Contestant:
  Geography isn't my strong point.

   Jamie Theakston:
  There's a clue in the title.

   Contestant:
  Leicester

   BBC NORFOLK 
   Stewart  White:
  Who had a  worldwide hit with What A Wonderful  World?

   Contestant:
  I don't know.

   Stewart White:
  I'll give you some  clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your  elbow?

   Contestant:
  Arm

   Stewart White:
  Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?

   Contestant:
  Strong.

   Stewart White:
  Correct - and what  was Lord Mountbatten's first  name?

   Contestant:
  Louis

   Stewart White:
  Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?

   Contestant:
  Frank Sinatra?
 
 LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS) 
   Alex Trelinski:
  What is the  capital of Italy  ?

   Contestant:
  France.

   Trelinski:
  France is another country. Try again.

   Contestant:
  Oh, um,…Benidorm.

   Trelinski:
  Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

   Contestant:
  Sorry, I don't know.

   Trelinski:
  Just guess a country then.

   Contestant:
  Paris.
 
 THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
   Anne Robinson:
  Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their  experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative  Party?

   Contestant:
  The Conservative Party.
 
 BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)
   DJ Mark:
  For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?

   Ruth from Rowley Regis:
  I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
 
 UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
   Bamber  Gascoyne:
  What was Gandhi's  first name?

   Contestant:
  Goosey?
 
 GWR FM (Bristol)
   Presenter:
  What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?

   Contestant:
  I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
 
 PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
   Phil:
  What's 11 squared?

   Contestant:
  I don't know.

   Phil:
  I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.

   Contestant:
  Is it five?
 
 RICHARD AND JUDY
   Richard:
  Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?

   Contestant:
  Forrest Gump.
 
 RICHARD AND JUDY
   Richard:
  On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

   Contestant:
  Er. ...  ...

   Richard:
  He makes bread . .  .

   Contestant:
  Er ..  .......

   Richard:
  He makes cakes . .  .

   Contestant:
  Kipling Street?
 
 LINCS FM PHONE-IN
   Presenter:
  Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

   Contestant:
  Barcelona.

   Presenter:
  I was really after the name of a country.

   Contestant:
  I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain  ..
 
 NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
   Question:
  What is the world's largest continent?

   Contestant:
  The Pacific..
 
 ROCK FM (PRESTON) 
   Presenter:
  Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da  Vinci.

   Contestant:
  Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

 THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV) 
   Steve Le Fevre:
  What was signed,  to bring World War I to an end in  1918?

   Contestant:
  Magna Carta?
 
 JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC) 
   James O'Brien:
  How many kings of England  have been called  Henry?

   Contestant:
  Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth .. ER. ER ...  Three?
 

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
   Chris  Searle:
  In which European  country is Mount  Etna  ?

   Caller:
  Japan.

   Chris Searle:
  I did say which  European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try  again.

   Caller:
  Er ...........  Mexico  ?
 
 PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
   Paul  Wappat:
  How long did the  Six-Day War between Egypt and  Israel  last?

   Contestant (long pause):
  Fourteen  days.
 
 DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO) 
   Daryl Denham:
  In which country would you spend shekels?

   Contestant:
  Holland?

   Daryl Denham:
  Try the next letter of the alphabet..

   Contestant:
  Iceland? Ireland?

   Daryl Denham:  (helpfully)
  It's a bad line.  Did you say Israel?

   Contestant:
  No.
 
 PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
   Phil Wood:
  What 'K' could be described as the Islamic  Bible?

   Contestant:
  Er... .....  ..

   Phil Wood:
  It's got two syllables . . . Kor  .

   Contestant:
  Blimey?

   Phil Wood:
  Ha ha ha ha, no.  The past participle of run .  .

   Contestant:
  (Silence)

   Phil Wood:
  OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . .  ..

   Contestant:
  Walked?
 
 THE VAULT
   Melanie Sykes:
  What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any  time?

   Contestant:
  Nostalgia.

 LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
   Presenter:
  What religion was Guy Fawkes?

   Contestant:
  Jewish.

   Presenter:
  That's close enough.

 STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2) 
   Wright:
  Johnny Weissmuller died on this day.. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?

   Contestant:
  Jesus.
 

 

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Top Cat on April 23, 2010, 10:44:45 am

The post man dead on the porch. PMSL  :grin:  :congrats:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on April 30, 2010, 09:38:04 am

In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was “where do most women have curly hair?”
Apparently, it's Africa !

One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells.
It appears that Scousers and Pikeys is not the correct answer!

I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children’s iPod after realising that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

The wife told me I was no longer romantic so I booked a table for the two of us on Valentine's Night. Problem was she's rubbish at snooker!

Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.

Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians. It's called Trydixagen.

 :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Richn83 on April 30, 2010, 10:19:05 am

@ Hedge  :grin:  :grin:  :congrats:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Saint Steve on April 30, 2010, 07:37:36 pm

Quality Mr Hedge, laughed at the scouser joke :laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Rich on April 30, 2010, 08:36:56 pm

HAHAH i found the postman on the porch dead the most HILLARIOUS THING !!!

+ the Gorilla one !!!


These are my favourite kinda jokes.. and i get them  :signLOL: :rolleye:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: matsu on May 01, 2010, 01:19:36 pm

 my GF asked for an orgasm last nite.... then had the bloody cheek to spit it out after :innocent:

matsu

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: VC on May 01, 2010, 01:29:09 pm

Quote from: matsu on May 01, 2010, 01:19:36 pm

my GF asked for an orgasm last nite.... then had the bloody cheek to spit it out after :innocent:

matsu

:signLOL: :congrats:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: matsu on May 01, 2010, 04:39:31 pm

onight she wants me to tell her just as i,m cumming..... do u guys recken a text is better than phoning her??
matsu

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Greeners on May 04, 2010, 07:32:05 am

Happy Star Wars day fella's!  :pomppomp:

May the 4th be with you!!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Teutonic_Tamer on May 04, 2010, 03:39:56 pm

GORDON BROWN

Gordon Brown goes on a state visit to Israel . While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and passes away. The undertaker tells the British Diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have him shipped home for £5,000,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land , for just  £100.'

The British Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a minute. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Gordon shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend £5,000,000 to ship him home,

when it would be wonderfulto be buried here and you would spend only £100?

With the money you save you could help pay back some of the deficit,

help pay for the Olympic Games or help :innocent: the elderly'.


The British Diplomats replied, 'Long ago a man died in Jerusalem, was buried there, and three days later he rose from the dead. 


We just can't take the risk.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: VC on May 21, 2010, 11:59:09 am

why do women have orgasms?



to give them something else to moan about  :grin:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Greeners on May 27, 2010, 11:40:27 pm

A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your breast, you'll forgive  me. "

The woman replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."

 

 

Mr.Johnson and his secretary are on a train to  Paris . They are just about to go to sleep when the secretary, who has the hots for her boss says in a seductive voice, I'm a little cold, could I borrow your blanket? The man says how would you like to be Mrs. Johnson for awhile? The secretary jumps at the chance and begins to get out of bed. Then he replies, good, then you can get your own damn blanket.

 

 

During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."

 

 

A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "13.......13.......13.........13" the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned '14.........14.........14.......14.'

 

 

A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo.

After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come".

The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing.

He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come"?

and the Indian replies, "ear sticky".
 

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: matsu on May 28, 2010, 08:43:26 am

my mate caught me sniffing his sisters knickers yesterday while having a w##k....... ............gonna make it really awkward at her funeral tommorrow......... :sad1:
matsu

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on May 28, 2010, 10:45:26 am

Matsu that is dreadful  :signLOL: :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Greeners on June 03, 2010, 11:32:06 pm

Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favourite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp. He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught. The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.

Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it and immediately a genie appeared. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the genie. "As a reward I shall grant you one wish."

"Well," said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog."

They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" the Prince asked.

The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. "This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?"

The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana," said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo. "But now I love this woman called Camilla," and he showed the genie the second photo.

"You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"

The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Let's have a look at that dog again."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Once again, The  Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly  neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply

1.  Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted  (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate  (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4.  Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5.  Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a  condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your  nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle  (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency  vehicle that picks you up after you are
run over by a  steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding  hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an  exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by  proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian  proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his  conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by  popular demand): The belief that, when
you die, your Soul flies up  onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening  in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish
men.

The Washington Post's Style  Invitational also asked readers to take any word
from the dictionary,  alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one
letter, and supply a  new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1.  Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops  bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows  little sign
of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy  (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose
of getting  laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders  the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4.  Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm  (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who  doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously  when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal  coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got  extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is  sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the  Earth explodes and it's like,
a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon  (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only  things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no  action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to  seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic  fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally  walked through a spider web.

14. Caterpallor (n.): The color you  turn after finding half a grub in
the fruit you're eating.

And  the pick of the literature:

15. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both  stupid and an  asshole

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: titchy on June 04, 2010, 04:45:53 pm

police stopped a lorry with its back wheels touching the body the driver got out banged the back and the body rose up so they let him go this happened three times in a mile the fourth time they asked the driver for an explanation he said tell you the truth ive got a three ton lorry and five ton of canaries in the back if i can keep them flying ill be o.k.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: VC on June 11, 2010, 01:03:54 pm

Well i'd planned for the first joke of this post to be a french one.... but i couldnt think of one.... so i gave up


why dont women wear watches?....................... there's a clock on the oven


Why havent NASA sent a woman to the moon?........................ It doesnt need cleaning yet


Gillette claim to be the best a man can get..... but surely thats a bl0w job from twins?


having an iPad is like having a blonde model for a girlfriend........... awesome to look at and tell your mates about, but useless at everything else

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on June 11, 2010, 02:49:35 pm

French jokes, for VC:

===============================================
I saw a White Flag for sale on eBay

The description said "Used, good condition, WW2 memorabilia, contact seller 'FrenchArmy1940' for more information"
===============================================

I've heard about walking like an Egyptian, so I thought I'd try walking like a Frenchman.

Backwards with my tail between my legs.
===============================================

What do you call a French man who's been scratched by his cat?

Claude.
===============================================

The French Government has recently decided to change the capital of France to Toulouse.

Seems to sum up the French in every way.
===============================================

Canada: Home of the largest French population never to surrender to Germany
===============================================

What do you call a Frenchman who has been knighted?

Sir Ender.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on June 17, 2010, 02:06:03 pm

I know its not Friday yet but it is somewhere in the world. So....

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom , had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."


You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
" Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."


We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom 's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."


Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.


"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief.


The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.  He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."


 :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on June 17, 2010, 02:42:35 pm

 :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: DaveB@Vagbremtechnic on June 17, 2010, 02:43:27 pm

A bloke and his mate are on the golf course, the bloke just placed his ball and is looking down the fairway when on the road he see's a funeral cortege......

Bloke: " Hang on a minute mate"

The bloke removes his cap and lowers his head and stands on the tee........the funeral cortege passes.....

Mate: " Bloody Hell buddy, I've known you for 40 years and never known anything get in the way of your golf, that was very touching"

Bloke: "Yeh I know, but we were married for 40 years"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: matsu on June 17, 2010, 03:39:13 pm

 :congrats: lmao
matsu

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Greeners on July 16, 2010, 12:04:02 am

ZEN TEACHINGS
 
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
 
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
 
If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
 
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
 
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
 
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
 
If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
 
Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
 
Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.
 
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
 
There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
 
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
 
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
 
We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse .... then things just keep getting worse.
 
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: cmdrfire on July 16, 2010, 10:27:12 am

Quote from: Greeners on July 16, 2010, 12:04:02 am

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

 :scared:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on July 16, 2010, 04:45:55 pm

Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since High School.
They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Rachel arrives first, wearing camel Versace. She orders a bottle of chilled chablis.
Clare arrives shortly afterwards, in grey Chanel. After the required ritualised kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of chablis.
Then Sam walks in, wearing a faded old Barbour anorak, blue jeans and Wellington boots. She too shares the wine.

Rachel explains that after leaving school and graduating from Oxford in Classics she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London's leading law firms.
They live in a 4000 sq ft house in North London, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in the hills above Monte Carlo.

Clare graduated from King's College and became a Consultant Gynaecologist. Her husband, Clive, is a leading A&E Consultant. They live in Dulwich and have a second home in Florida.

Sam explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ben. They run a tropical birdpark in Norfolk and grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand four parrots, side by side, on his willy.

Half way down the third bottle of chablis, several hours later, Rachel blurts out that her husband isn't Tim, he's Tom and he's a clerk for Islington Council. They live in a terraced house in Muswell Hill and keep a caravan in France.

Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are nurses in King's College. They live in Herne Hill and have a timeshare in Orlando.

Samantha admits that the fourth parrot has to stand on one leg.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on July 16, 2010, 05:27:43 pm

In Norfolk, they are thinking of decreasing the VAT to 11%.

At least then they can work it out on their fingers.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on July 16, 2010, 05:28:02 pm

Pope Benedict is on a pastoral visit in Europe and after arrival at his destination His Holiness approaches a limo driver at the airport for a lift.
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning...

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile...

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph.. (Remember, the Pope is German..)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my licence -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo travelling at 155 kph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the Mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' An Ambassador?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'No even bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on July 16, 2010, 05:28:34 pm

Little Millie comes home from school and tells her Mum: "Charlie Brown showed me his willy at school today"
Before Mum has a chance to freak out Millie adds: "It reminded me of a peanut!"
Mum relaxes and laughs, says: "Really small, was it?"
"No, says Millie, really salty!"

(Mum faints)

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on July 16, 2010, 05:31:21 pm

Apologies for this one in advance:



Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

THERE'S MORE....

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy, watch dis," Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"

IT'S NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

"Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting.... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on July 16, 2010, 05:42:02 pm

Michael Barrymore has been found dead in his Essex mansion with chocolate round his bum. George Michael has been arrested for being careless with a Wispa.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on July 22, 2010, 09:59:36 am

As I am busy tomorrow.

This is called "Living the Dream"

(https://www.mk5golfgti.co.uk/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdaz.co%2Fmedia%2Fw7%2Fhedge_68%2Flivethedream.jpg&hash=aaa8ef25e613b382fcff31f0f4aa7b08060716cc)

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Greeners on July 22, 2010, 10:27:26 am

Bet he doesn't let anyone out from a side track!!  :grin:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on July 22, 2010, 10:28:54 am

Quote from: Greeners on July 22, 2010, 10:27:26 am

Bet he doesn't let anyone out from a side track!!  :grin:

No indicators either.  :laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: matsu on July 22, 2010, 10:44:38 am

While I was driving down the M4 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been)I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait.

The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk, asked:

"Runway too short?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

To which he asked, "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The copper was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."
     
Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

 

Speeding ticket: £105.00 and 3 points
Court costs: £45
Look on copper's face: Priceless.

 
 
matsu

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: matsu on July 22, 2010, 10:48:22 am

You got to love this guy...
This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University .

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's family and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.
As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.
So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.
He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.
The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.
After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he
turned to the best man and said, 'F---you!' Then he turned to his bride and said, 'F--- you!'
Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, 'I'm outta here.'
He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.
While most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the
charade, as if nothing were wrong.
His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.
This guy has balls the size of church bells.
Do you think we might get a MasterCard 'priceless' commercial out of this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the
Occasion: $3,000
Deluxe two-week honeymoon accommodation in Maui : $8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless.
There are some things money can't buy,
for everything else there's MASTERCARD

A Mastercard Wedding
'Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches,it's more like a jar of Jalapenos--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow......'
 

 

 

 

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on August 16, 2010, 08:54:26 pm

Why do Sharks swim circles around you before attacking?


Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?

Why did we swim around and around them?

His wise father replied,



"Because they taste better without the sh*t inside!"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: titchy on August 25, 2010, 02:10:32 pm

man goes to doctors and says when he has a crap it comes out like chips the doc says can you show me gave him a tray and told him to go behind screen came out with a dish of crap looking like chips, the doc said pull down your trousers and bend over the desk, he shouted to his nurse to bring a scissors what are you doing said the man cutting your string vest said doc its to long

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Janner_Sy on August 25, 2010, 02:14:40 pm

its not friday though :grin:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on August 25, 2010, 09:56:54 pm

Doesn't matter. Chips is funny.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on August 27, 2010, 02:08:24 pm

Police Report
The Metropolitan Police arrested Floella Benjamin yesterday for unauthorised access to the House of Commons.

Reports say that she got in through the round window.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on August 27, 2010, 02:13:13 pm

Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg .
Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
--------------------------------------------------------------------
On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out
furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
---o0o---
On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
----o0o---
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
----o0o---
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
---o0o---
"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
---o0o---
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
---o0o---
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
---o0o---
From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth .
To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised."
---o0o---
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
---o0o---
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."
----o0o---
"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
---o0o---
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."
---o0o---
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
---o0o---
On Kulula flight 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town , the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault. It was the asphalt."
---o0o---
On a Kulula flight into Cape Town on a particularly windy and bumpy day, during the final approach the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies
and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
---o0o---
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
---o0o---
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
---o0o---
After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."
---o0o---
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."
---o0o---
Heard on a Kulula flight: "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
---o0o---

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: cmdrfire on August 27, 2010, 02:39:08 pm

I was on a BA flight once (I forget where to) and the attendant came on the intercom and said "Ladies and gentlemen, please pay attention to the safety briefing as there will be a short quiz after the flight."

Quote from: Hedge on August 27, 2010, 02:08:24 pm

Police Report
The Metropolitan Police arrested Floella Benjamin yesterday for unauthorised access to the House of Commons.

Reports say that she got in through the round window.

I don't get it...

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on August 27, 2010, 07:27:36 pm

Quote from: cmdrfire on August 27, 2010, 02:39:08 pm

I was on a BA flight once (I forget where to) and the attendant came on the intercom and said "Ladies and gentlemen, please pay attention to the safety briefing as there will be a short quiz after the flight."

Quote from: Hedge on August 27, 2010, 02:08:24 pm

Police Report
The Metropolitan Police arrested Floella Benjamin yesterday for unauthorised access to the House of Commons.

Reports say that she got in through the round window.

I don't get it...

Yooz too young mate. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Floella_Benjamin
She was a presenter on Play Away. They did a thing where one of them picked a shaped window, round, square, etc, and you watched a film after the camera had zoomed through it.  :smiley:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: vRS Carl on August 27, 2010, 08:10:41 pm

Even I got that one Ian  :happy2:

I've got one for you all.....

Last night I was sucking off my new Thai Bride when I thought to myself "hang on a minute..............."


That's about the safest one I can post  :evilgrin:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: matsu on August 31, 2010, 02:13:44 pm

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. 

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,
fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
agony.


The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately
began to apologize..  'Please allow me to help. I'm a
Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the
man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position,still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several
long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!
 
 
matsu

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on September 17, 2010, 11:16:28 am

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'
After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up.
The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?'
'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'



Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked.
'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'



The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'
Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'



Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'
Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "



Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'
His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ...'

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: gulfstream11 on September 17, 2010, 11:45:34 am

George Micheal woke this morning in his cell to find a chocolate bar up his 4rse.

It was a careless wispa!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: S2 Ant on September 17, 2010, 12:27:00 pm

George Michael has been forced to give hand jobs to his fellow in mates before making hot chocolate for them. He is currently working on a new single about his time inside called "Wank me off before your cocoa"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: dajonic on September 17, 2010, 01:55:39 pm

^^^I think we're getting the jokes from the same place

George Michael already made friends with his skinhead cellmate. They’re going to release a song called – Hairless Fister

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on October 15, 2010, 12:15:59 pm

TEACHER: IF I GAVE YOU 2 CATS, AND ANOTHER 2 CATS AND ANOTHER 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven Sir


Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven


Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Six.


Angry Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Angry Johnny: Seven!!!


Very angry Teacher: Where the f *** do you get seven from?!?!?













Very angry Johnny: Because I’ve already got a f ***in’ cat at home!!!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Robert74 on October 15, 2010, 01:13:31 pm

My mates shaggin twins! I asked him how he tells them apart.... "easy" he says "julies got long hair and dereks got a moustache!!!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on October 15, 2010, 05:15:36 pm

Paddy and Murphy decide to by a Horse each.

Paddy says "how will we know who's horse is who's?"

Murphy says "tell you what.....I'll chop the tail off my horse, and you can have the horse with a tail, and I'll have the horse without a tail"

Paddy says "ok Murph"

Murphy goes off, chops the tail off his horse, and when he comes back Paddy has done the same   :confused:

"WTF" Murphy says.... "I was gonna have the horse with no tail! and you've gone and chopped the tail off your horse too"

Paddy says "Sorry Murph"  :ashamed:

"Doesn't matter" says Murphy....."I tell you what, I will chop an ear off my horse, and then you can have the horse with 2 Ears and no tail. I will have the horse with 1 ear and no tail"

Paddy says "great idea Murph"  :happy2:

Murphy goes off, chops the ear off his horse, and when he comes back Paddy has done the same to his horse.  :jumping:

"FFS" Murphy says.... "I was gonna have the horse with 1 ear and no tail, and now you've gone and chopped the ear off your horse too, you crazy Ba$£*rd"

Paddy says "Sorry Murph"  :ashamed:

"Doesn't matter" says Murphy....."I tell you what, I will chop the other ear off my horse, and then you can have the horse with 1 Ear and no tail. I will have the horse with no ears and no tail"

Paddy says "Got it Murph"

Murphy goes off, chops the other ear off his horse, and when he comes back...............Paddy has done the same.

"PADDY.... for crying out loud. You've done it again" says Murphy. "I was gonna have the horse with NO ears and NO tail, and you was supposed to have the horse with 1 ear and no tail. You've chopped the other FRICKIN EAR OFF YOUR HORSE TOO"  :angry015:

"Thats it" says Murphy "Enough is enough now"

"You just have the Brown Horse and I'll have the White Horse"

 :grin:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: B3n on October 15, 2010, 07:29:57 pm

Well it's almost over.
After 69 days of doing nothing a group of men in
hard hats and high visibility jackets are getting
ready to go home.

The council have finally filled in the pothole
at the end of my road

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: kong86 on October 15, 2010, 08:05:39 pm

A man's wife hits him across the head. He says "What's that for?"
She says "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Sexy Sally written on it".

Quick as a flash he says, "That's the name of a horse I bet on today, you silly cow".

She apologises.

A week later she hits him with a frying pan!

He says "What the hell ...was that for?" She replies "Your fcuking horse phoned!!".

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on October 23, 2010, 09:52:52 pm

Did I tell you all my "Deja Vu" joke???

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on October 29, 2010, 03:37:52 pm

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'


-------------------------------


Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'

Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'

Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'

Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

--------------------------------------------------------

Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing..'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

------------------------------------------------------------

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

-------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on October 29, 2010, 07:36:15 pm

Did I tell you all my "Deja Vu" joke???  :confused:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: JJ on October 29, 2010, 07:53:44 pm

I braked hard but still hit the car in front.  A cute blonde got out and shouted "RAM ME UP THE @RSE WHY DON'T YOU?".
This Your Honour is where the confusion began...

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: rich83 on October 29, 2010, 11:24:09 pm

Why did the baker have smelly hands???


.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Cos he kneaded a poo!!  :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on October 29, 2010, 11:36:10 pm

Ha @ Rich^^^

My cousins little 5yr old lad told his Gran that joke at her 60th birthday. I Pi$$ed myself laughin.  :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

..... although he did say, "why did the Baker have brown fingers".......

.
.
.
.
.
.

oh ....and did I tell you my Deja Vu Joke???

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on November 04, 2010, 04:45:39 pm

Just an early one to get the ball rolling.

Seamus and Murphy fancy a pint or two but don't have a lot of money between them, they can only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy says 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He goes next door to the butcher's shop and comes out with one large sausage.

Seamus is upset, and says 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

Murphy replies, 'Don't worry, just follow me.'

He goes into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Seamus is now worried. 'Now you've lost it.' he moans, 'Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replies with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers! '

They down their drinks.

Murphy says, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman notices them, goes berserk, and throws them out.

They continue this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Seamus moans 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy replies, 'How do you think I feel?? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

 :laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on November 05, 2010, 08:36:36 am

ABORIGINAL FIREFIGHTERS
 
One  dark  night  in the small town of Woopwoop, W.A,  a fire started inside the local sausage  factory.
 
In a blink the building was engulfed in flames.
 
The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
 
When  the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed  to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the centre of the plant.
 
They have to be saved, so I’ll  donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings  them out and delivers them to me.'
 
But the roaring flames held the fire fighters off. 
 
Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate.
 
As the firemen arrived, the  president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.
 
Suddenly  from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into  sight. 
 
It  was the fire engine of the  nearby Baringa volunteer fire department composed mainly of Aboriginal  fire fighters over the age of  65.
 
To  everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire  engine, operated by these Aboriginal  fire fighters, passed the fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove  straight into the middle of the inferno. 
 
Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Aboriginal old timers jumped off and  began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives.
 
Within a short time,  the Baringa  old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret  recipes.
   
The  grateful sausage company president joyfully  announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to  $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Aboriginal fire fighters.
 
A  TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film.
 
The 'on camera' reporter asked  the Aboriginal fire chief, 'What are you  going to do with all that  money?'

'Well,'  said Chief Billy COKEBOTTLE, the 70-year-old  fire chief, 'de furst ting we gonnna do is fix  dem brakes on dat bloody fire truck!'

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on November 05, 2010, 09:42:31 am

Did I tell you my Deja Vu Joke???  :ashamed:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on November 05, 2010, 11:33:36 am

Not sure you did Monte....  :grin:

Is it along the lines of - what's French for Deja Vu?

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on November 16, 2010, 10:24:00 am

Not Friday but worthy nonetheless.

A man called home to his wife and said, ' Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Scotland with my boss and several of his friends.

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough
clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up'
'Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. '


The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.


The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.


The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?


He said, 'Yes! lots of salmon, some trout, and a few pike; but why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked?'


You'll love the answer...


The wife replied, ' I did. They're in your fishing box ..'

Never Lie To A Woman...!!!
_________________________________________________________________

Mick was walking home late at night and sees a woman lurking in the shadows.

'Twenty dollars,” she whispers.

Mick had never had a hooker before, but decides -- what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.

They're going at it for a couple of minutes when, all of a sudden, a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.

'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.

'I'm making love to me wife,' the Irishman answers sounding annoyed.

'Oh, I'm so sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'

'Well, needer did I,' says Mick, 'til ya shoined dat light in her face!!!”

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on November 26, 2010, 07:00:05 am

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."


A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."


There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that...

...the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with this one).


A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Burro who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Burro looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."


Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses.

The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.

This, of course, is the origin of the expression -- "He who has a Tate's is lost!"


A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls.

One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more.

On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road.

Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with...

Transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on November 26, 2010, 07:27:22 am

 :congrats: Some very good ones there, Hedge.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: apollo13 on November 26, 2010, 07:58:24 am

 :grin:   Well done Hedge! I left school 15 years ago and my maths GCSE has'nt been useful...until this morning  :congrats:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Greeners on November 26, 2010, 09:53:29 pm

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your will power'

 
I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.


A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet



There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know.

 

When I was younger I wanted to get a tattoo, my parents said if you have to have a tattoo, then get one somewhere that doesn’t matter. So I went to Hull and got one

 

I had amnesia once - maybe twice.

 

Originality is the art of concealing your sources

 

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

 

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

 

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

 

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers on his bus.

 

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police

 

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

 

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

 

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

 

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

 

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

 

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

 

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on November 26, 2010, 10:11:49 pm

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question: "When you die and go to
heaven... which part of your body goes first?"

Susy raised her hand and said. "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Susy?"
Susy replied "because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister. I think it's your feet."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
"Now, little Johnny why do you think it would be your feet?"
Little Johnny said, "The other night Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying"OH! GOD, I'M COMING!" If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on November 26, 2010, 10:13:04 pm

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all the tiresome blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While he is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket? She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said . . .

You'll love this . . .

I know you will . . .
.
.
.
.
.
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on November 26, 2010, 10:14:39 pm

Murphy applied for a post at a famous Irish bank based in Dublin. A Polish chap applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview but we've decided to give the other applicant the job."

Murphy, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job!"

Manager, " We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."

Murphy, " And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"

Manager, " Simple. On question number 7 the other guy wrote down, 'I don't know.......

You put down, 'Neither do I.'

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on November 26, 2010, 10:15:55 pm

 :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on November 26, 2010, 10:19:02 pm

While in China, an American is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately consults a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you.........you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'

The man is very perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'

The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure.......we're going to have to amputate it.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not ! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies, 'Well, go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims,
'Ah, Yes, Mongolian VD.... Vewy ware disease.'

The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can you do for me? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate it !'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate........ make more money dat way.....no need to amputate.....'

Oh, thank God,!' the man replies.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'Wait two weeks.......




Fawl off by self!!!'

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on November 26, 2010, 10:22:56 pm

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the innkeeper, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm Mike, he's Jim, we'll have two Molson Canadian beers, draught please"

The innkeeper, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

"Been on holiday yet, boys?"

"Off to England next month," says Mike. "We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?"

Jim agrees.

"Ah, England , "says the innkeeper." Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says Mike. "Hamburgers & Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're arrogant and rude.'

"So why keep going to England ?" asks the innkeeper.

Mike replies, "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on November 26, 2010, 10:24:16 pm

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf and completely unaware of Tiger's identity, greets him in a typical Irish
manner.

"Top of the mornin' to ya, sir," says the attendant.

Tiger, who is familiar with Irish custom, responds with,

"And the rest of the day to you!"

Tiger gives a quick nod and bends forward to pick up the nozzle of the gasoline hose. As he does, two golf tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"And what on the good earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.

"Feckin Jaysus," says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything”

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on November 26, 2010, 10:26:16 pm

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'

The Aussie said 'One!'

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?'

'£124,237.64p.'

The manager choked and exclaimed '£124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4.

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...



' Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on November 26, 2010, 10:28:22 pm

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads... He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing. Anyway... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother.
"Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads," begs her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?"

"Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes: "Abracapokus! You're brown!"

The toad looks down and sees that he is brown ! Except..... for his weenie, which is still yellow.

"Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still yellow!"

"Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she says, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that." So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes okay it's a coincidence, but it's true).

"Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" says the purple bear, "I can't pull any bearesses cos they don't want to be seen with me on account of the hunters. They can spot me from a mile off."

Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand. "Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here." she says. And with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"

The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple.

"Hold up sweetheart!", he says to the fairy godmother, "My goolies are still purple!"

"Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."

"Well that's just dandy, innit?" the bear replies, "How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?"

"Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off.....just follow the yellow-dick toad !! "

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: 94Luke on November 27, 2010, 01:15:56 pm

What's the capital of Ireland? About €20.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: cmdrfire on November 27, 2010, 01:49:31 pm

^^^^

ZING!

 :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on December 06, 2010, 10:06:35 am

Not Friday but something to brighten the start of the week. :wink:

Irish Hunting Trip

Two Irishmen flew to  Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.

They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off.
 

However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on December 10, 2010, 07:19:38 pm

There was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace. Mace was a great dog except he had one weird habit: he liked to eat grass - not just a little bit, but in quantities that would make a lawnmower blush. And nothing, it seemed, could cure him of it.
One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass while he was working outside. He looked and looked, but it was nowhere to be found. As it was getting dark, he gave up for the night and decided to look the next morning.
When he awoke, he went outside, and saw that his dog had eaten the grass all in the area, around where he had been working, and his wrench now lay in plain sight, glinting in the sun.
Going out to get his wrench, he called the dog over to him and said, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me."
__________________________________________

When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he spread the animal shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.
"What are you doing?" his mom asked.
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
___________________________________________

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway bench next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say, Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replied, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol,
contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be darned.' Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: divweir on December 10, 2010, 07:26:43 pm

i saw a poor old lady fall unconscious on the snow today
well i say poor she only had 86p in her purse

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: cmdrfire on December 10, 2010, 10:33:11 pm

Quote from: Hedge on December 10, 2010, 07:19:38 pm

"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me."

"It once was lost, but now is found"? Still works  :laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on December 14, 2010, 04:17:03 pm

A late (or early) Friday offering.  :smiley:

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.

Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. 'I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back.

On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here, the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

'C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Degudodger on December 14, 2010, 09:46:02 pm

I'm going to go rob a bank tomorrow.I plan on dressing up in a clown wig and make up and only wearing a thong and nipple tassels.I'll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I'm going to  ride the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping up pages of a phonebook and swearing my head off. After getting the money. I will escape in a van shaped like a giant pink penis.

Let's see Crimewatch  stage a reconstruction of that.  :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: matsu on December 16, 2010, 08:38:39 am

The current banking crisis explained
 
Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed
to deliver the donkey the next day.
 
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad
news. The donkey's died.'
 
Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
 
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
 
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
 
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
 
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
 
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
 
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
 
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened
with that dead donkey?'
 
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made
a profit of £898'
 
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
 
Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.'
 
Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland.
 
matsu

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: vRS Carl on December 28, 2010, 01:06:36 pm

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room..

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, 'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue, 'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: LouCyffer on December 28, 2010, 03:48:10 pm

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker. It was just After Eight. They got off at Quality Street. He asked her name. 'Polo' she said with a Wispa,'I'm the one with the hole'.

'I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts' he replied. He touched her Cream Eggs, then slipped his hand into her Snickers. He fondled her Flap Jacks, and she rubbed his Tic Tacs. It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.

But three days later his Sherbert Dip Dab started to itch. Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett, and he had Allsorts.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on January 23, 2011, 12:17:44 am

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi on Seymour Street in Vancouver. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.

"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.


The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"

"Most of them become taxi drivers," she said.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on January 23, 2011, 12:18:46 am

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked,"Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am.. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out of the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on January 23, 2011, 12:19:26 am

Phone Therapy:

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying, “Hello.”
I politely said, “This is Jason Braemore. Could I please speak with Rachel Carter?”
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me - I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Rachel's correct number and called her - I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again…

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, “You're a scumbag!” and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'scumbag' next to it, and put it on my speed dial. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, “You're a scumbag!” It always cheered me up!

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'scumbag' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?”
He yelled, “NO!” and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, “That's because you're a scumbag!”

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a “For Sale” sign in his car window… so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first scumbag, I thought I had better call the BMW scumbag too.
I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?”
“Yes, it is.”
“Can you tell me where I can see it?”
“Yes, I live at 1969 West 35th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front.”
“What's your name?” I asked.
“My name is Don Hanson,” he said.
“When's a good time to catch you, Don?”
“I'm home every evening after five.”
“Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”
“Yes?”
“Don, you're a scumbag.”
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial. Now, when I had a problem, I had two scumbags to call…

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Scumbag #1…
“Hello.”
“You're a scumbag!” (But I didn't hang up…)
“Are you still there?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I said.
“Stop calling me,” he screamed.
“Make me,” I said.
“Who are you?” he asked.
“My name is Don Hanson.”
“Yeah? Where do you live?”
“Scumbag, I live at 1969 West 35th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front.”
He said, “I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.”
I said, “Yeah, like I'm really scared, scumbag.”
Then I called Scumbag #2.
“Hello?” he said.
“Hello, scumbag,” I said.
He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are, I'll…”
“You'll what?” I said.
“I'll kick your ass,” he exclaimed.
I answered, “Well, scumbag, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.”

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1969 West 35th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called CKVU Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 35th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 35th Street.

There I saw two scumbags beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.

Now I feel a lot better…

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: vRS Carl on January 23, 2011, 08:26:56 am

 :signLOL: :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: VC on January 23, 2011, 12:57:50 pm

I had to sack my east European cleaner yesterday.



She took over four hours to Hoover my lounge...





































...she's a slovac

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: VC on January 23, 2011, 12:59:50 pm

For that authentic Spiderman impression at children's parties try wanking into your hand and flinging it across the room

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: VC on January 23, 2011, 01:03:39 pm

Got stopped in the street outside 'boots' today by a woman with a clipboard asking "what grooming products I use?" You should have seen her face when I said " Facebook, Haribo sweets and puppies."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on January 23, 2011, 03:00:12 pm

 :notworthy: :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: vRS Carl on January 23, 2011, 03:09:16 pm

Quote from: Very Cherry on January 23, 2011, 01:03:39 pm

Got stopped in the street outside 'boots' today by a woman with a clipboard asking "what grooming products I use?" You should have seen her face when I said " Facebook, Haribo sweets and puppies."

 :congrats: :congrats:

I just got told off for laughing at that  :laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: VC on January 23, 2011, 03:47:00 pm

The cops have just lifted me for knocking the fcuk out of the wife again. One of them said to me: "This is the third time this month! Why do you keep beating her?" I replied "Probably due to my height and weight advantage, longer reach and superior footwork."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: DaveB@Vagbremtechnic on January 23, 2011, 06:55:00 pm

Well Kate Middleton has been invited to join the royal family so there she is trying to make small talk at the palace:

Kate: Good Afternoon Mam, Im delighted to be joining the family....I was wondering if you had any advice as to a fruitful and full life with Prince Harry

Queeny: Wear a seat belt and dont piss me off...........

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Janner_Sy on January 23, 2011, 06:59:38 pm

Quote from: Very Cherry on January 23, 2011, 03:47:00 pm

The cops have just lifted me for knocking the fcuk out of the wife again. One of them said to me: "This is the third time this month! Why do you keep beating her?" I replied "Probably due to my height and weight advantage, longer reach and superior footwork."

:congrats: :congrats:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Degudodger on January 23, 2011, 07:47:40 pm

Quote from: vRS Carl on January 23, 2011, 03:09:16 pm

Quote from: Very Cherry on January 23, 2011, 01:03:39 pm

Got stopped in the street outside 'boots' today by a woman with a clipboard asking "what grooming products I use?" You should have seen her face when I said " Facebook, Haribo sweets and puppies."

 :congrats: :congrats:

I just got told off for laughing at that  :laugh:

Likewise. Still chuckling thou  :grin:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Eccie on February 03, 2011, 04:18:24 pm

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

 
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, ''What happened?"

 
His wife replies, Susan referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat

"I do not Have a Headache;

I do not have a headache,

I do not have a headache.."

 
It Worked! ....................The headaches are all gone."

 
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

 
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

 
The husband agrees to try it.........Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

 
He puts her on the bed and says,   "Don't move, I'll be right back."

 
He goes into the Bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

 
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"  The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time.

 
The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom,
She sees him standing at the mirror and saying..............





















"She's not my Wife.

She's Not my wife.

She's not my wife..."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: VC on February 03, 2011, 04:20:00 pm

 :signLOL: :signLOL: :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: vRS Carl on February 03, 2011, 06:13:08 pm

 :congrats: :congrats: :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: VC on February 03, 2011, 06:17:01 pm

what's long... hard... and makes my wife scream?







































...the big stick i beat her with

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: VC on February 03, 2011, 06:17:37 pm

no... women do NOT belong in the kitchen.




...cos if they did... who would clean the rest of the house?

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: matsu on February 03, 2011, 06:46:50 pm

those are going to get me in sooooo much trouble lol
but who cares!!
matsu

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Thor on February 08, 2011, 01:13:07 pm

Ok not friday but wtf, i have a feelin' it's gonna be a long week.  :fighting:

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.

In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Rugby, Football, Sailing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.
 
What can I do?
 
Signed, Desperate
 
...
 
 
Dear Desperate,
 
First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears.
Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and Flowers, but remember - overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
 
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.
 
In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

Good Luck,
Tech Support
___________________________________

SMART ARSED ANSWERS 2010

6th Place

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
 
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in  the front row. 
 
"What are my choices?" the man asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.


5th Place

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
 
Without blinking an eyelid she said,
 
"Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."


4th Place

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
 
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
 
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."


3rd Place

The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.
 
"I've been waiting for you all day," the bobby said.
 
The kid replied, "Yes, well I got here as fast as I could."
 
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


2nd Place

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.

A sign came up that read "Low Bridge Ahead."
 
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
 
Cars are backed up for miles.
 
Finally, a police car comes up.
 
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab
 
And said to the driver,
 
"Got stuck, eh?"
 
The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!"


SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2010

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
 
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
 
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
 
A smart-arsed boy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,

"What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
 
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

"Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand".
 :grin:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: rich83 on February 08, 2011, 02:15:11 pm

Excellent thor... keep them coming!  :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: rich83 on February 08, 2011, 07:25:54 pm

I went to the doctors and asked for some viagra. The doc replied "prove to me you need it", so I showed him a photo of the misses!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: VC on February 08, 2011, 07:30:24 pm

 :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on February 08, 2011, 09:52:13 pm

Hope she doesn't see that Rich.  :scared:  :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Thor on February 08, 2011, 09:53:52 pm

Quote from: Hedge on February 08, 2011, 09:52:13 pm

Hope she doesn't see that Rich.  :scared:  :signLOL:

+1 Brave man you are Rich  :laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Poppa Dom on February 08, 2011, 09:57:06 pm

Great one Chris, needed that this evening  :congrats:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on February 10, 2011, 11:30:58 pm

Some Irish One-Liners!

Mick goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Mick says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
________________________________________
Mick spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND".
Mick spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the thing up.
________________________________________
Mick shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" Asks the Doctor?
"No", shouts Mick, "this is her husband!"
________________________________________
Mick was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Mick tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says "For heaven's sake Mick, that's your air freshener swinging about!"
________________________________________
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" His wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.
________________________________________
Mick's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet."What the hell are you doing?" He asks.
"Hanging myself" Mick replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Mick "but I couldn't breathe".
________________________________________
An answer I can understand. An American tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."
________________________________________________________________________________

All right! I know they're more than one line - they're Irish!!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: VC on February 11, 2011, 08:53:55 pm

'You can tell a lot about a person by their car.'For example, if it's in a ditch, it's a woman.  :grin:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Top Cat on February 11, 2011, 08:55:55 pm

 :laugh:  GTI James and Teff, would beg to differ.   http://www.mk5golfgti.co.uk/forum/index.php/topic,21326.75.html

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: VC on February 11, 2011, 08:56:43 pm

I like to name my iPod Titanic, so that when it says 'Syncing Titanic', I click cancel and it makes me feel like a hero

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: VC on February 11, 2011, 09:01:37 pm

I'm treating my wife to a romantic dinner for valentines day.Soft, slow cooked pasta.The finest petis pois,Finely diced soft soya flakes,A beautiful chicken stock marinade,Finely seasoned with fresh basil and mixed herbs.Then I just tip in water to the fill line, add the soy sauce sachet and I'm done.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: VC on February 11, 2011, 09:03:14 pm

As I was coming down the stairs this morning I thought to myself'I really shouldn't be masturbating here'

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: rich83 on February 11, 2011, 09:10:55 pm

I took a dyslectic home the other night..... she ended up cooking my sock!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: rich83 on February 17, 2011, 10:01:08 am

Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately went to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied:
It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on February 17, 2011, 05:06:30 pm

The early bird and all that....

IRISH CHRISTENING
Patrick's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.   

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins ... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth, and had to be christened immediately so your brother Patrick came in and named them.

The woman thinks to herself, ' Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother, he's a clueless idiot ...         
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,' Well, what's my daughter's name?                                           

'Denise' says the doctor.
The new mother is somewhat relieved, 'Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother', she thought ...'I really like Denise '

Then she asks, ' What's the boy's name?'

The doctor replies ' Denephew '

:laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Janner_Sy on February 17, 2011, 06:48:01 pm

I woke up this morning and saw that my wife's whole body was swollen. After frantically shaking her, she finally woke up, slobber coming down the side of her mouth shouting "Whats the matter? What time is it?" As I was rubbing my eyes still half asleep, I then remembered that she's just fat



I referred to my wifes pussy as her `lady garden` the other day.She said "Oh how sweet. Is it because it is nicely trimmed and smells of roses?"I said "No, its because of all the insects and i always see the dog sniffing around it. Oh and i am seriously thinking of getting someone else in to do it for me!"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Greeners on February 18, 2011, 02:07:12 pm

As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport , President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

 They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London , where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace , waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

 Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire .

 The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses.

 The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

 The Queen turns to President Obama, " Mr. President, please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

 

 Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on February 18, 2011, 02:13:45 pm

That's just a rehash of one of Hedge's jokes earlier on!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Greeners on February 18, 2011, 02:17:52 pm

Quote from: stealthwolf on February 18, 2011, 02:13:45 pm

That's just a rehash of one of Hedge's jokes earlier on!

Many apologies Sir Stealth!!  :booty:

CBA to read them all.......... just post whats 'current'  :P

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: VC on February 21, 2011, 04:48:01 pm

The police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife.

"Is this your wife sir?" said the officer.

"Yes it is" I replied.

"I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident" said the Officer...

"I know" I said, "but she has a lovely personality!"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on February 23, 2011, 12:49:32 pm

Paddy phones for an Ambulance as his mate's been hit by car.
Operator asks where the accident is.
He says outside 28 Sycamore Road.
He's asked: How do you spell that?
The line goes quiet for 5 mins.
Operator gets a bit worried.
Then Paddy says sorry about that,
I've just dragged him to number 3 Oak Street.  :ashamed:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on March 16, 2011, 10:22:29 am

The Last Kiss.

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops. "What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

She does. A long, deep, passionate kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"


"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: rich83 on March 16, 2011, 10:28:06 am

(https://www.mk5golfgti.co.uk/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.fruitsaladretro.co.uk%2Facatalog%2FBBRM4%2815%29.JPG&hash=2acf5c8d0f236a1c2644620691bec866c7a90dc2)

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on March 17, 2011, 10:54:32 pm

The teacher was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas Eve. "Tell me Patrick, what do you do on Christmas Eve?" She asked.

Patrick addressed the class. "Well, Miss Johnson , me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."

"Very nice Patrick", said the teacher, "Now, Jimmy Brown, what do you do?"

"Well, Miss Johnson ", replied Jimmy, "Me and my sister go to Church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents"

Remembering there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now Isaac Cohen, what do you do on Christmas Eve?"

"Well, Miss Johnson", it's the same old thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls and drive to his toy factory. When we get inside we look at all the empty shelves and sing

"What A Friend We Have in Jesus"......then we go to the Bahamas .

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on March 17, 2011, 10:55:36 pm

This letter was sent to the Lions Bay School Principal's office in West Vancouver after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors.
An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.

"Dear Lions Bay School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone.

I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine.I was so overjoyed that I could tell her to f*ck off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Sincerely,

Edna "

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on March 17, 2011, 10:55:59 pm

A chap was walking down the street with his wife, and they see in the distance her mother walking towards them. Just before they got to each other, five blokes jumped out and started to mug her mother. Before long all five of them were setting about her beating the living daylights out of her. The wife looked at the man:

"Are you not going to help??"

"Naaah" said the man......



"Five should be enough...."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on March 17, 2011, 10:57:06 pm

Tom is in the hospital

Who the hell is Tom?

Well Tom is the guy who comes home late one night and Sue, his wife says, "Where the hell have you been?"

Tom replies: "I was out getting a tattoo!"

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a $100 bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" She said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a retiree get a $100 bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly,instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Tom is in the hospital, room 233 !!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on March 17, 2011, 10:58:04 pm

An elderly scottish Jew decided to take it a little easier and take up golf. So he puts his name down at the local club. After a week he received a message that his application had been turned down. So he went down to the club to enquire why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a scottish golf club?

Scot: Aye but I am as scottish as you are Jock.

Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.

Scot: Aye, so do I.

Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts.

Scot: Aye, neither do I.

Secretary: But you are a Jew.

Scot: Aye, I am that.

Secretary: So you are circumcised?

Scot: Aye, I am that too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that.

Scot: Ach, away with ye man. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. Also I know that you have to be a Catholic to become a Knight of Saint Columbus, but this is the first time I've heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on March 17, 2011, 10:59:28 pm

A small zoo in Glasgow acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby McKay, a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Bobby, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for £500 ? Bobby showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.


The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

1. "First", Bobby said, "Ah'm no gonnae kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

2. "Second", he said, "Ye cannae never tell naebody aboot this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Third", Bobby said, "I want all the weans raised as Rangers fans." Once again it was agreed.

4. "And last of all", Bobby stated, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the £500"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on March 17, 2011, 11:00:33 pm

The Madam cautiously opened the door of her brothel in Milngavie to find a well dressed elegant man in his fifties standing there.
"May I help you sir?" she enquired.
"I would like to see Suzy" he replied.
"Sir, Suzy is our most expensive lady. Perhaps another, slightly cheaper girl might be more appropriate"
"No" he replied, "I must see Suzy"
Just then Suzy appeared and announced that she charged £5000 for the night. The man produced £5000 in notes, and followed Suzy upstairs. An hour later, he calmly left.

The next night, the man reappeared and demanded to see Suzy. The Madam explained that nobody had ever had two nights with Suzy as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still £5000". He produced the money in notes and again went upstairs with Suzy, calmly leaving an hour later.

He reappeared the next night, and again demanded to see Suzy, producing the £5000 before he was asked. All the other girls were amazed and came to see this man as he went upstairs with Suzy.

After their session, she turned to him and asked "Who are you? Where are you from and what do you do?"
"I am a lawyer, and I am from Edinburgh."
"I have family in Edinburgh" replied Suzy.
"I know" said the lawyer, "Your sister died and I was asked to deliver your inheritance of £15000".


Three things in life are certain-
Death
Taxes
And being screwed by a lawyer.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on March 17, 2011, 11:01:11 pm

A banker, a Daily Mail reader and a benefit claimant are sitting at a table sharing 12 biscuits.

The banker takes 11 and says to the Daily Mail reader:

"Watch out for the benefit claimant, he wants your biscuit".

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: rich83 on March 18, 2011, 02:57:25 pm

 Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidently swigged from a bottle of Tipex. I woke this morning with a huge correction.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on April 17, 2011, 11:47:01 am

Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, so try this one:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Bhuddist and an African went to a Bangkok night club.

The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai!"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: rich83 on April 17, 2011, 11:52:22 am

I asked my grandmother for "something Cuban" for my birthday, and she got me a Che Guevara shirt. Clothes, but no cigar!  :star:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on April 17, 2011, 11:55:05 am

Nice Rich.  :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on April 21, 2011, 08:16:09 am

I was visiting my wife in hospital because she has a wounded leg.

The doctor said, "Can you describe what happened please."

I said, "Well, she got shot."

He said, "You'll have to be more accurate."

I said, "I know, but I'm not very experienced with guns."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: vRS Carl on April 21, 2011, 02:36:55 pm

Just got sent this in an Email and it tickled me so thought i'd share it (Cheers Stu :happy2:)


Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"

"Feels great," he replied, "but I still think my thumb's broken!"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on May 12, 2011, 05:17:56 pm

Early one.

I went to the gym yesterday and said to a trainer, ' Which machine can I use to impress that beautiful blonde over there ?'
He looked at me and replied, ' Try the cash machine outside the front door you fat barstewards !!  :surprised:  :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: rich83 on May 12, 2011, 05:28:46 pm

^^^  :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on June 10, 2011, 08:16:15 pm

Two businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...  As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. 

One said to the other, "I bet you any minute now some nosey old pensioner is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling, guaranteed...." 

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old bloke shuffled over to the window, pressed his nose to the glass and asked,  "What are you selling here then?"

One of the men rolled his eyes and replied sarcastically,

"We're selling @rse-holes." 

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said,


"You must be doing well...Only two left."

And shuffled off. :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Greeners on June 10, 2011, 08:34:59 pm

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to 
the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the 
lady 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door in disgust...

The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and 
he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'. She slams 
the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells 
him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife 
in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be 
home just in case this guy shows up again'. The next morning they hear a 
knock at the door and both run for the door.

The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to 
hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to 
answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'.

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same 
fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do you have 
vagina'....... 'Yes' she says...... The man replies Good! Would you mind 
telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours'?

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Greeners on June 10, 2011, 08:36:21 pm

1. Two blokes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - ..."If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't
reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said "No, the steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,"'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off."

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft, it sank.
This proved once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of home "
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well" says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck
up my bum."
"How's that?"
" Now don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my
younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
But I think its Colin.

18. Police arrested two kids yesterday.
One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

19. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen.
It said, 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice.

20. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
several places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore."
 :grin:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on June 10, 2011, 09:02:31 pm

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.

They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"

Shocked, I answered, " Yes."

They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."


:chicken:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: bigeyd on June 10, 2011, 09:09:50 pm

Marlon King has signed for Birmingham City today.
I think Carson Yung 9the Chairman of Brum) may have been a little confused.
Alex McLeish asked for SIX ATTACKERS.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on June 11, 2011, 09:50:24 pm

Not like me to be late but:-

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told  that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not  reached a state of spiritual purity.
   
The beautiful model danced before  the first candidate with no reaction..
   
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the  priests until she got to the final  priest, Carlos.
   
Poor Carlos.
 
As she danced in front of him, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the  ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
   
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came  to rest.
 
He bent over to pick it up.... and all the other bells started to ring.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: VRSerious on June 12, 2011, 12:49:47 pm

very good :booty:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on June 17, 2011, 11:19:36 am

PARAPROSDOKIANS I had to look up "paraprosdokian".

Here is the definition: "Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation." "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.

Ok, so now enjoy!

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

29. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: rich83 on June 17, 2011, 09:23:48 pm

 :signLOL: @ #20

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Janner_Sy on June 17, 2011, 09:30:23 pm

(https://www.mk5golfgti.co.uk/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimages.pictureshunt.com%2Fpics%2Fc%2Fchuck_norris_evolution-2443.jpg&hash=53d4cf19e051393c7fcc519ed08258ae9fe0b6ac)

Lets start the Chuck Norris Jokes

1-Chuck norris was once bit by a venomous cobra.  After 3 days of excruciating pain.....the cobra dies.

2- Chuck Norris once had this idea to sell his piss to pass on his energy.  The result was redbull.

3-Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin.  its descendants are known as giraffes.

4-The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears

5-If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list

Chuck Norris cracks me up

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on June 20, 2011, 01:36:04 pm

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh...


"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.

And then she started laughing at the fact that she was giggleing.

Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could.

"I am so sorry," she said.. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"














"It's swollen," Bob replied.


She ran out of the room.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: rich83 on June 20, 2011, 01:39:20 pm

 :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: rich83 on July 06, 2011, 10:07:15 pm

Its friday isnt it?

Kid: Mum can I wear a mini-skirt today?
Mum: No!

Kid: Can I wear lipstick?
Mum: No!

Kid: Can I wear high heels?
Mum: No!

Kid: But mum! I'm 16 years old!

Mum: I know John, I know...

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on July 28, 2011, 08:09:49 pm

Early start....

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders, all I said was, 'hurry up for Christ's sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'

Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat bird who doesn't gobble anymore.

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'what you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'She replied, 'You're having soup you fat barstewards, I was talking to the cat!'

Not every flower can say love, but a rose can. Not every flower can survive thirst, but a cactus can. Not every vegetable can read, but bless, look at you having a little go!

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him LA.

In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, waiter came over and says, 'Curry Ok?' I said, 'go on then, just one song then bugger off'

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

Firemen have just rescued an Irish man with his penis stuck in a condom machine. They asked him what happened and he said, 'the sign says, insert £2 and push knob in'.

Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next 6 series of celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here. Show bosses think that she will do really well since she has been living off of a dead beetle for the last thirty years.

 :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MattPoss on July 28, 2011, 09:19:20 pm

A German dwarf was in London for the week. Whilst there, he decided to visit a prostitute.

She thought "He'll never last long, this will be easy money!"

Just before he got down to business he put a large spring on both his elbows and both his knees then went at it for 4 hours, non stop!

After the 4 hours had passed, the prostitute turned over and breathlessly said "How the he'll did you manage that?!"

The dwarf turned round and said "Easy love, it's my foursprung dwarf technique!"

Matt

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: rich83 on July 28, 2011, 09:29:20 pm

^^^^ Bravo chaps.... those made me giggle!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: dgti on July 29, 2011, 01:15:42 pm

Very good  :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Scousus maximus on August 04, 2011, 07:43:04 pm

A nerdy teenager gets in from school and asks his dad "     What's a c*nt?"
His dad lashes him round the ear and says "What's a c*nt, is that how we've brought you up?  Come with me "
They go upstairs and his lard@rse wife is lying on the bed starkers.
The dad says " See that hairy mop between her legs,            well that's a tw@t,  all the rest of it is a c*nt, now stop asking stupid questions"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: TonyZed on August 05, 2011, 04:27:25 pm

My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.

"Did you smell that food?",
she said "it was absolutely incredible and it is our Anniversary tomorrow."

"f*ck it" I though. "I'll treat her".

So I walked her past again.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on August 05, 2011, 11:49:09 pm

A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him."No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."
****************
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
***************
I'm going to go rob a bank tomorrow. I plan on dressing up in a clown wig and make up and only wearing a thong and nipple tassels. I'll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I'm going to f*ck the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping up pages of a phonebook and swearing my head off. After getting the money, I'll take a sh*t on the floor and piss everywhere. I then will escape in a van shaped like a giant pink cock. Let's see Crimewatch  stage a reconstruction of that.
**************
I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."Unbelievable what some people are into.
****************
My gay brother has recently been diagnosed with HIV.......
..........What a bummer
******************
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb?To get to the other side.
***************
This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.The driver got out and he was a dwarf. He said, "I'm not happy."I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
************
A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too.""No, a straw," says the Tramp.The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".
****************
My girlfriend is a porn star.She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out.
*************
Just had a water fight over the park with a bunch of local kids.
I won !!!
No one's a match for me and my kettle.

 :smiley:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: matsu on August 06, 2011, 08:24:46 am

monte.... a few of those are keepers.....evil !! :evilgrin:

matsu

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on August 12, 2011, 11:31:05 am

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed,told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying:"God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listening to her prayers
which went like this: "God bless Mummy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy Moly, thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:"God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking
at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. this morning.
My golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Top Cat on August 12, 2011, 12:05:56 pm

 :laugh:   :congrats:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on August 12, 2011, 10:09:33 pm

Heres one I like that was on the radio recently...


Have u heard about the new movie called "Constipation"?

It's not come out yet.
 :grin:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on August 19, 2011, 02:05:10 pm

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.

She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'

'About 32,' is the reply.

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.

Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't,' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on August 20, 2011, 07:42:50 pm

When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honour.

At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife who did not speak french was talking with Madame de Gaulle:

"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison?

Wat are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"A penis," replied Madame de Gaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer...... and no one knew what to say next.

Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said:

"Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, "appiness!'"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: rich83 on August 22, 2011, 12:11:01 am

At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger. Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.' Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I've been in here already?' The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on September 30, 2011, 10:06:23 pm

Again, the last line says it all!!

When my doctor asked me about what I did yesterday, I told him about my day:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, escaped from a mountain lion in the heavy brush, marched up and down a
mountain, stood in a patch of poison oak, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake"

Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be an awesome outdoors person!"


"No," I replied, "I'm just a shi**y golfer."
______________________________________________________________________________________

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says"Hello!"

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my backside with wet celery?'


She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: rich83 on October 02, 2011, 01:44:12 pm

 :congrats: :congrats:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: TANNER on October 07, 2011, 08:49:35 am

I've just seen Kevin Webster working in his garage on a 14 year old escort.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: cmdrfire on October 07, 2011, 12:52:33 pm

Quote from: TANNER on October 07, 2011, 08:49:35 am

I've just seen Kevin Webster working in his garage on a 14 year old escort.

 :grin:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: sub39h on October 07, 2011, 05:58:43 pm

A day from the diary of a BMW driver...

"The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars.

First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway!

The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.

Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane. Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70mph! Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.

Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me! He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car. Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast!

Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my drivers licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving license, so they will take it off me!

See, now THAT'S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW!"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on October 07, 2011, 06:21:14 pm

 :congrats:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: vRS Carl on October 07, 2011, 07:18:12 pm

 :congrats: :notworthy:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: xr2 crazy on October 08, 2011, 12:18:01 am

And did you hear about the blonde who tripped over her cordless phone?
 :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: xr2 crazy on October 08, 2011, 12:19:23 am

Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks?

It takes too long to re-train them.
 :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on October 28, 2011, 04:30:51 pm

I was at the airport and must have looked confused, so a guy came up to me and said, "Have you lost something mate ?"

I replied, "Yes i seem to have lost my wife"

"Me too" said the guy.

I asked him what she looked like, "Blonde, long tanned legs up to her neck, huge breasts, no knickers or bra and wearing a mini skirt and see through blouse"

He then said "What does yours look like?"

I replied "Who gives a **** , lets look for yours !!!!!!

 :wink:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Horatio on October 28, 2011, 04:40:37 pm

I saw Michael J Fox at my local garden centre today....















...he had his back to the fuchia's  :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: sub39h on October 28, 2011, 05:36:58 pm

what's red and smells like blue paint?







































... red paint :P

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: simonp on October 28, 2011, 10:08:53 pm

I was at the gym this morning when I noticed a hole in my trainer where I could push my finger in right up to the knuckle!.... Anyway she slapped me round the face and my membership has been suspended!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: simonp on October 28, 2011, 10:12:30 pm

The mrs has just come into the living room wearing a little pvc number, fishnets and high heels, has handed me a cold beer and told me to sit down, relax, and when she comes back she'll give me 'what she does best'.

I can't wait. I love Shepherd's Pie.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: simonp on October 28, 2011, 10:15:00 pm

I was showing my Doctor a nasty rash on my nob earlier today. He seemed pretty uncomfortable and didn't want to touch it. He just said make an appointment for Monday morning, when he wouldn't be shopping in Morrisons.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on October 29, 2011, 09:10:30 am

 :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
  :grin: :grin: :grin:

Some beauties there Simon  :happy2:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on November 11, 2011, 11:18:31 am

A quick overview of economics in the EuroZone.

Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece. The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house.

The Spaniard said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".

The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvellous. When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; "You see that bridge over there?"

The Spaniard replied; "No."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: simonp on November 11, 2011, 11:49:00 am

One of the seven dwarfs has been arrested for f***ing a giraffe.Apparently the other six put him up to it...

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on November 23, 2011, 04:55:13 pm

The Scottish Cow.

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.

The town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Scotland ..

It was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland .

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye :



"My wife is from Scotland "

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on November 23, 2011, 05:05:12 pm

 :grin: :grin: :grin: :congrats:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on November 29, 2011, 11:47:15 am

It's late fall and the Indians on a reservation in South Dakota asked their chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a sh*t load of firewood'.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on December 09, 2011, 08:24:10 am

I left my car in a car park the other day, when I came back to it the bumper and rear lights were all smashed up.
Then I found this note under the wiper.
It said: "I just accidentally reversed into your car. Quite a few people saw me do it. Right now they all think I'm leaving my name and details.
...Well, I'm not."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on December 09, 2011, 08:40:02 am

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.

His wife is lying in bed reading.

The man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache"

His wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep"

The man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on December 09, 2011, 08:51:22 am

Iron Man is a superhero.
Iron Woman is a command.

...

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife,
"Quick love! Bring me a beer before it starts!"
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer anyway.
When he finished it, he shouted out,
"Quick love! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start any minute now"
This time she looked a little angry, but again brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It's gonna start any second now"

"That's it!" She said. "You lazy barstewards! You waltz in here, flop your fat arse down in the chair,  you don't even say hello to me, or ask me how my day has been, and then you expect me to run around after you like your bleeding slave!
Don't you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron for you all day long, every day?

"The husband sighed, and said  "now It's started."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on December 22, 2011, 12:05:56 pm

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearman's, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on December 22, 2011, 01:56:42 pm

Lol. When I first heard that joke, it was a hairy biker instead of a pilot. Think that worked more effectively.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: CupraNigel on December 22, 2011, 02:00:26 pm

Thats funny  :jumping:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: cmdrfire on December 23, 2011, 11:22:38 am

Paraphrased from a comment on BBC...

A woman in Afganistan was walking 10 paces behind her husband along the road. A reporter thought this was related to women being 2nd class citizens in their society.

The woman was asked, "Are you walking far behind your husband because of your customs?"

She replied, "No - Landmines!"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: sub39h on December 23, 2011, 12:34:58 pm

why is santa so jolly?




he knows where all the naughty girls live :santa:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: matsu on December 23, 2011, 12:47:39 pm

 
 

 
This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.


As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go, you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.   

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale. 

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination. 

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.   

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked. 

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. 

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. 

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health..

I can't wait until next Christmas.

 
 
 
 
 
2.went to the works party last night... they played the twist so i did the twist
they played jump.... so i jumped......
they then played  cum on eileen.............................. at that point  i was asked to leave the party ........ :jumpmove:

3.i,m going on dragons den next week - i have a surefire winner...... a landmine disguised as a prayer mat!!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: rich83 on December 23, 2011, 11:33:05 pm

Morris and his wife, Esther went to the seaside every year. Every year, Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter." Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 pounds ... and 50 pounds is 50 pounds."
A few years later, Esther and Morris went to the fair. Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter now, I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris, that helicopter is 50 pounds and 50 pounds is 50 pounds."

The pilot overheard the couple. He said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 pounds."

Morris and Esther agreed -- and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Esther fell out, but 50 pounds is 50 pounds."

 8)

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Top Cat on December 23, 2011, 11:40:55 pm

 :notworthy:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: vRS Carl on December 25, 2011, 12:05:26 pm

Not Friday but a festive one

Teacher "Can anyone tell me the names of the Three Kings that bring joy and happiness at Christmas time?"

Little Johnny puts his hand up and says "Smoking, Drinking and Fcuking".

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on January 06, 2012, 08:16:59 am

On going to war over religion: "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." -- Rich Jeni

"I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." -- Gary Valentine

On the difference between men and women: "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." -- Jeff Green

"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers. So people don't blame everything on Satan.'" -- John Wing

"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'" -- Francois Morency

"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'" -- Rich Jeni

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." -- Jimmy Shubert

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." -- Rich Jeni

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading." -- Emo Philips

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." -- Emo Philips

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'" -- Emo Philips

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." -- Rich Jeni

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." -- Ren Hicks

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." -- Emo Philips

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." -- Kevin James

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." -- Emo Philips

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -- Rich Jeni

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: vRS Carl on January 06, 2012, 09:51:54 am

Quote from: Hedge on January 06, 2012, 08:16:59 am

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -- Rich Jeni

 :grin: :grin:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Moschops on January 06, 2012, 11:54:58 am

Took a girl home after clubbing last night. After a few drinks we went upstairs
and while we were getting undressed a voice said "I hope that's not the fat bird from last week"
She said "What the hell was that?"
I said "It's that bloody memory foam mattress again."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Eccie on January 06, 2012, 12:06:56 pm

 :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on January 16, 2012, 03:23:32 pm

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

'DActor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot'.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

'Incredible'he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up here.'

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears.

'This is amazing!'exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'

'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! 'shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?'

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.'

'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman
'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on January 16, 2012, 03:23:54 pm

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon . every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo.... what ees it? "

"Pepe... ees not a bacon tree. Ees...

Ees...

Ees...
Ees...


Ees..... a ham bush....."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: dodds-gttdi on January 16, 2012, 03:57:18 pm

 :signLOL: :notworthy: :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on January 18, 2012, 10:28:24 pm

Three aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey .

As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'

'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.

'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."

She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are..'

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff!

 :star:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: simonp on January 19, 2012, 02:00:39 am

    *WHAT A REAL WOMAN DOES*

     

A real woman is a man's best friend.  She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. . .


   







No wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of beer. That's what beer does...


Carry on.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: VC on January 19, 2012, 09:09:08 am

I tried to log in on my iPad.

Turns out it was an Etch A Sketch and I don't own an iPad.


Also, I'm out of vodka.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: rich83 on February 09, 2012, 12:55:45 am

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on February 09, 2012, 01:36:26 am

Quote from: richwig83 on February 09, 2012, 12:55:45 am

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

 :congrats:
(https://www.mk5golfgti.co.uk/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F29.media.tumblr.com%2Ftumblr_lh7d9rXZa81qfzbpxo1_500.gif&hash=84793d6914896e769f21febd4da81900541a6384)

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on February 10, 2012, 10:29:48 pm

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I , and all men, could understand women;
I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on February 11, 2012, 10:39:58 pm

A woman walks into the Liverpool benefits office, trailed by 15 kids...

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?

'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, 'Sit down Terry.'

All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up.  I'll need all your children's names.'

'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'

'OK, and who's next?'

'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.  Then she isintroduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.

'All right,' says the case worker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?'

Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes - it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop.  It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

'I call them by their surnames!'

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: rich83 on February 13, 2012, 12:44:24 pm

 :signLOL: :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Mk5 GTian on February 19, 2012, 07:23:35 am

Paddy gets nicked for wife battering.

Judge asks "why do you keep beating her?"

Paddy says "I think it's my weight advantage, longer reach & superior footwork!"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on February 23, 2012, 01:25:01 am

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that day.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!"
The robot slaps the dad.
Mum laughs and says, "Well he certainly is your son!"
The robot slaps the mum...

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on February 23, 2012, 01:26:04 am

A Muslim couple, preparing for their wedding, meet the Mullah for counselling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, "We realise it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam.."
"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Sex is OK with in marriage, to have children!"/.
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"No problem," says the Mullah.
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says the Mullah. "Go for it!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure! "
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes!"
"Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a bucket of honey and a pornographic video?"
"You may indeed!"

"Can we do it standing up?"
"No." says the Mullah. "It could lead to dancing."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on February 23, 2012, 01:28:45 am

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara Desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. "Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, 2ather. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."
"I agree," says the Father. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
"Anything, Father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?"....... she consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes, Sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I suppose that would be OK" the Priest replied lifting his robe.
"Oh Father, may I touch it?"
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give Life."
"Is that true Father?"
"Yes, it is, Sister."
"Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on February 23, 2012, 01:29:43 am

 :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on March 15, 2012, 12:11:35 pm

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted pay checks.
12. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
20. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
21. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
22. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
23. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
24. I am neither for nor against apathy.
25 Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
26 I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
27 How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
28 Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
29 The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
30 Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
31 Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
32 A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
33 When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
34 Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: mad_pete on March 15, 2012, 12:28:49 pm

Excellent :-)

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on March 15, 2012, 03:03:28 pm

Quote from: Hedge on March 15, 2012, 12:11:35 pm

34 Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

How very poignant, Ian!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: rich83 on March 15, 2012, 03:06:33 pm

Quote

34 Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go (and then return under several alias')

How very poignant, Ian!

Hah

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Mk5 GTian on March 15, 2012, 06:26:42 pm

Two Aussie cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar.
 
One asked, "What are you up to, Mate?"

Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."

"Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?"

"Ah, probably the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Mk5 GTian on March 15, 2012, 06:29:09 pm

A passenger plane traveling to California is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean.

The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive. After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores.
Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on.

Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is...its Kylie Minogue!

Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love. One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face.

She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong. "Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feeling there's something missing."

Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do anything".
"Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"
"OK"
"And my trousers?"
"OK"
At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips. "OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way."
"OK dear, whatever will make you happy."
So off they set. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:

"Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging'!!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: simonp on March 15, 2012, 06:41:13 pm

Quote from: Mk5 GTian on March 15, 2012, 06:26:42 pm

Two Aussie cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar.
 
One asked, "What are you up to, Mate?"

Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."

"Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?"

"Ah, probably the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."

Am I being a bit thick? I don't geddit...

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: VC on March 15, 2012, 07:10:04 pm

Root is an Aussie slang for shag  :wink:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: simonp on March 15, 2012, 09:10:18 pm

Well now I know... it's still not funny!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: VC on March 15, 2012, 09:18:40 pm

 :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: simonp on March 15, 2012, 10:02:17 pm

A bloke phones up his local council office and says "I've just raped a fat ginger bird". The council woman says "You should phone the police to confess". The man replies "I don't want to confess, I want you to fix the lights in the park!"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on March 15, 2012, 10:03:13 pm

 :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: simonp on March 15, 2012, 10:07:29 pm

In my house we are very honest with our children, so when my 8 year old daughter asked "Dad, how much does a prostitute charge to suck a willy?" I replied "About £40"

She then asked me "And how much is a packet of Haribo?" I answered "About £1" She said "F*** me, Uncle Paul is ripping me right off!"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on March 15, 2012, 10:36:59 pm

 :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on March 15, 2012, 10:51:30 pm

There were four guys going on a road trip and they were driving through the desert. While they were driving the car broke down and they needed to jump start the car.They saw a farm in the distance down the road and so they walked to the farm. As they got near the front door a old man jumps out pointing a shotgun at them saying" what are you doing here on my property" they say" our car broke down and we need to jump start it" the old man laughs and says" if you want to survive run to the back and get the first fruit you see and come back, you got 20 seconds and don't even think about running away okay GO!" they ran to the back and got fruits. One guy comes back with a apple and the old man tells him to take of his pants and he will stuff the fruit up his arse and if he laughs he will shoot him. he laughs and the man shoots him. Next guy come with a cucumber and the old man says" i said fruit" and shoots him too. The next guy comes with a cherry and the old man says if he laughs when he stuffs the fruit up his ass he will kill him. He laughs and the old man kills him. In heaven the three of them talk about why they laughed, they noticed that the forth guy had survived and the last guy was still laughing. They asked him " Why are you still laughing?" " Because i saw him running up with a watermelon!".

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: simonp on March 15, 2012, 10:53:20 pm

A man and a woman are driving down a road in opposite directions. As they pass each other the man shouts out the window "FAT COW", Woman shouts out window"F*** OFF, YOU WANKER!" She then turns the corner, crashes into a huge cow and dies... Moral of story? if only women would bloody listen!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: simonp on March 15, 2012, 11:02:08 pm

According to Tetley... the best way to make a cup of tea is to properly agitate the bag. So every morning I slap the wife on the arse and say "Two sugars in mine, fatso!''

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Mk5 GTian on March 17, 2012, 08:56:32 am

Quote from: simonp on March 15, 2012, 11:02:08 pm

According to Tetley... the best way to make a cup of tea is to properly agitate the bag. So every morning I slap the wife on the arse and say "Two sugars in mine, fatso!''

 :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Mk5 GTian on March 17, 2012, 09:00:07 am

Quote from: simonp on March 15, 2012, 09:10:18 pm

Well now I know... it's still not funny!

The joke is that one Aussie asks what route are you taking. i.e. how are you getting there, but the other Aussie mis-understands him, thinking he's being asked who  he's taking for a bunk-up i.e. root, not route.

I tell ya what, I'll get me coat.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on March 17, 2012, 09:23:08 am

Quote from: simonp on March 15, 2012, 11:02:08 pm

According to Tetley... the best way to make a cup of tea is to properly agitate the bag. So every morning I slap the wife on the arse and say "Two sugars in mine, fatso!''

Will try that :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: simonp on March 17, 2012, 01:13:38 pm

Quote from: Mk5 GTian on March 17, 2012, 09:00:07 am

I tell ya what, I'll get me coat.

About time, I've been standing here holding it out for you for 2 days now! :laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Mk5 GTian on March 17, 2012, 07:17:37 pm

Quote from: simonp on March 17, 2012, 01:13:38 pm

Quote from: Mk5 GTian on March 17, 2012, 09:00:07 am

I tell ya what, I'll get me coat.

About time, I've been standing here holding it out for you for 2 days now! :laugh:

 :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on March 17, 2012, 07:30:12 pm

What's invisible and smells of worms???





Bird farts  :laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: simonp on March 17, 2012, 09:53:45 pm

A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her fanny on her wedding night, so decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with her he asked "Exactly how far across the field were you before you realised it was caught"?

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on March 17, 2012, 10:05:50 pm

Quote from: simonp on March 17, 2012, 09:53:45 pm

A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her fanny on her wedding night, so decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with her he asked "Exactly how far across the field were you before you realised it was caught"?

:signLOL:  :congrats:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on March 17, 2012, 10:18:04 pm

I took a girl home from a club last night.

As we got inside my house I said, "You'll be walking funny tomorrow."

"Ooooooh" she smiled, "Have a big c**k do we?"

I locked the door and said, "No, I'm going to cut off your feet." :happy2:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Mk5 GTian on March 18, 2012, 05:18:37 am

Quote from: MC71 on March 17, 2012, 10:18:04 pm

I took a girl home from a club last night.

As we got inside my house I said, "You'll be walking funny tomorrow."

"Ooooooh" she smiled, "Have a big c**k do we?"

I locked the door and said, "No, I'm going to cut off your feet." :happy2:

That is dark!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Mk5 GTian on March 18, 2012, 05:20:31 am

Deffinition of 'Woman': Life support for a vagina.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: simonp on March 18, 2012, 11:09:54 am

I pulled a bird the other night and took her back to my house. As I laid back on the bed, she slowly unbuttoned my jeans and said, "Fancy a blow job?". I replied "Of course, but I must warn you, the last girl gagged on my cock.""Big is it?" She giggled. .... I said, "No, I never wash it."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on March 18, 2012, 01:06:55 pm

There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.

"C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks.

She replied, "I will... if you have sex with me."

The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends.

"You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her."

"Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy.

"Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!"

"Oh, you are such a wuss. I'll go up to the door," the second guy says.

He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.

"W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa......" He uses all of his will power to not hurl.

"Water? Yes, I have water," she says knowingly. "But you have to have sex with me."

"AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!"

He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.

"What do you want for some water?"

"You have to have sex with me."

Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen.

"Do me here," she told him.

He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.

"Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!"

The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.

"Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars."

"Then lay back and close your eyes again."

This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes.

"If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert."

"Eyes closed," he says.

Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms.

"Ohhhhhhhhh........ The water, money and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy.

So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window.

One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!"
  :sick:  :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: SKAVIA on March 22, 2012, 01:40:06 pm

Happy and Sad
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions". 
The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that is a bunch of crap.
I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.
 
 

She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick"
 :jumping:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Mk5 GTian on March 27, 2012, 09:31:35 pm

Wayne Rooney has been to see Fabrice Muamba in hospital; "It's great, he can almost string a sentence together" said Fabrice.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on March 28, 2012, 12:30:12 pm

Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Here is proof that they are wrong.

A year or so after giving birth a women will often say, "It would be nice to have another kid."

You never hear a guy say, "I would like another kick in the nuts."

Case closed!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on March 28, 2012, 05:17:01 pm

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the a*s!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or a*s?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all sh*tty!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."  :happy2:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on March 30, 2012, 02:19:39 pm

While creating wives, God promised men that dutiful and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.

And then He made the earth round.  :confused:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Mandy on March 30, 2012, 02:33:47 pm

A couple my brother keeps telling me,  :confused:

* You can tell a lot about a person from their car.................

...... ie, if it's in a ditch, it's a woman's.


* Statistics show that 99% of car accidents are men's faults................

...... for letting women drive.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: VC on March 30, 2012, 02:40:31 pm

your brother's a funny guy  :grin:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Mandy on March 30, 2012, 02:47:52 pm

Not sure if he's trying to tell me something...  :chicken:  :grin:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: vRS Carl on March 30, 2012, 04:35:40 pm

Quote from: Mandy on March 30, 2012, 02:47:52 pm

Not sure if he's trying to tell me something...  :chicken:  :grin:

Having been in a car with you while your driving................


 :evilgrin:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: VC on March 30, 2012, 04:43:15 pm

I wouldn't say I was rich.

But I get my petrol delivered by the Royal mail.



If you are panic buying petrol...then there is 85% chance that you are a cnut.
If you are panic buying petrol AND own an Iphone ...then there is 100% chance that you are a MASSIVE CNUT!

Sent from my iPad

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Tamiyoman on March 30, 2012, 04:58:58 pm

2 Dogs in a Vet's waiting room, 1st dog turns round to the other and says "What you in for mate?", 2nd dog replies "Well I live with a family and every sunday they have a roast, last week it was Beef!, I could smell it from the garden and I walked into the kitchen and there it was sitting on the worktop, I could not resist it so scoffed the lot!".

2nd dog asks 1st dog what is he in for?,  to which he replies "I live with a model, you may have heard of her, Claudia Schiffer, I have free roam of the house and I walked up the stairs and nudged open the bathroom door and there she was dripping wet bending over drying her ankles, he said I could not contain myself and wrapped my paws round her and gave her a right good seeing to!", 2nd dog asks "Your for the chop as well then?" to which 1st dog replies "Nah mate just here having my claws trimmed!"  :grin:

The old ones are the best  :happy2:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on March 30, 2012, 05:13:41 pm

A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!" The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He says, "No! This is her f**kng husband!"

 :happy2:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on March 30, 2012, 05:14:32 pm

Probably a Pea Roast but here goes....

Two blokes sat next to each other at the Doctors.

One says to the other "What are you here for?"

He says, "well I'm getting circumcised"

The other guy says, "oh bloody hell, I had that done when I was born and I couldn't walk for 18mnths"!!!

 :laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on March 30, 2012, 06:25:22 pm

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

 :happy2:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: simonp on April 02, 2012, 10:42:39 pm

Went in a pub the other night and there were these 2 fat birds at the bar chatting in a strange accent. I asked them "Excuse me, are you 2 ladies from Scotland?"

"Wales, you f***ing idiot!" one spat back.

"I do apologise, are you 2 whales from Scotland?"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on April 02, 2012, 11:49:02 pm

Quote from: simonp on April 02, 2012, 10:42:39 pm

Went in a pub the other night and there were these 2 fat birds at the bar chatting in a strange accent. I asked them "Excuse me, are you 2 ladies from Scotland?"

"Wales, you f***ing idiot!" one spat back.

"I do apologise, are you 2 whales from Scotland?"

You never fail to impress Simon  :congrats:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on April 02, 2012, 11:49:45 pm

Fella sees a Jamaican putting up a sign, 'Boat For Sale'.

The man looks but all he sees is a caravan and a jeep.

He goes up to the Jamaican and asks,

"Where's the boat? All I see is a caravan and a jeep."

"Ya mon",

replies the Jamaican,

"and they boat for sale"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on April 02, 2012, 11:58:53 pm

 :laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: simonp on April 03, 2012, 12:32:02 am

Might be an old one?

I went down stairs this morning to see my wife face down on the kitchen floor, she wasn't breathing and I could feel the panic taking me over........

Then I remembered, McDonald's serves breakfast until 10.30.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: simonp on April 03, 2012, 12:40:11 am

As I answered the door dressed in high heels, stockings and suspenders, leather mini skirt and bright red lipstick, the Avon lady asked "Hello sir, is your wife at home?"

To which I replied "Take a wild guess, love!"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on April 03, 2012, 01:28:29 pm

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: simonp on April 06, 2012, 04:45:19 pm

I was watchin an 18 film with my little boy earlier. He said, dad I'm getting scared is that lady goin to die? I said, probably son judging by the size of that horse's cock!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: vRS Carl on April 06, 2012, 05:28:21 pm

This is how fights get started :grin:

(https://www.mk5golfgti.co.uk/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fstatic.fjcdn.com%2Fpictures%2FNut_6d066b_775469.jpg&hash=b6b1118bc652d2389615808d7ee22ec5df2b37b4)

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on April 06, 2012, 06:04:29 pm

Picture no worky Carl.

It should look like this folks.
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/s720x720/552552_285394074868710_100001943598212_677241_323955378_n.jpg)

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: vRS Carl on April 06, 2012, 08:32:07 pm

Works for me  :confused:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on April 13, 2012, 08:54:35 pm

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: simonp on April 13, 2012, 09:31:32 pm

A woman goes to the doctor.

"Doctor" she says "I have a problem. Every time I walk I fart."

"Really" he says "would you mind just walking across the floor for me?" She does and sure enough a series of farts are emitted. "And would you mind walking back again?". More farts are heard.

With that he reaches under his desk and pulls out a large rod with a hook on the end.

"You aren't going to stick that up my arse, are you doctor?"

"No I'm going to open the window, it stinks in here!"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: simonp on April 13, 2012, 09:33:28 pm

I was depressed last night so I called the Samaritans. Got put through to a call centre in Afghanistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on April 13, 2012, 09:37:01 pm

Bob is waiting for the bus to turn up.
He is severely disabled.
He has no arms or legs and he is propped up against the bus stop.

The bus pulls up to the stop and Bobs mate Brian is getting off!

Brian says "alright Bob......how you getting on?"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: simonp on April 13, 2012, 09:43:43 pm

A fellow enters a barbershop for a shave. As the barber is lathering him up the man complains, "I never seem to be able to get a close enough shave in the cheek area."

The barber says, "I have just the thing," and produces a small wooden ball from the drawer. "Place this between your cheek and gum." The fellow does so and gets the closest shave he has ever had.

Through garbled speech he asks, "But what if I swallow it?" "No problem," replies the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: simonp on April 13, 2012, 09:47:58 pm

A Polish woman stows away on a ship, hoping to make a new life in America. After 3 weeks she is discovered and brought before the Captain.

What are you doing aboard my ship without a ticket?" he enquires.

She replies "One of your sailors helped me sneak on board and I am to make a new life in America. He brings me 3 meals a day and in return I let him f*** me every night"

The Captain says "Oh he's f***ing you alright. This is the Isle Of Wight ferry!"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: simonp on April 13, 2012, 09:50:56 pm

At the Inverness job centre a fella sees a vacancy for a gynaecologists assistant. He asks for more details and is delighted to discover that his duties would be removing the ladies underwear, washing and shaving them and rubbing a lotion into the shaved area. The salary is £80K pa. He's then told that he must go to Plymouth.

"Is that where the job is?" he asks. "No, that's where the end of the queue is!" comes the reply.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on April 13, 2012, 10:37:11 pm

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".   :happy2:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on April 13, 2012, 10:41:04 pm

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude.".    :happy2:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on April 13, 2012, 10:44:18 pm

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."
 :happy2:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on April 13, 2012, 10:51:35 pm

Quote from: MC71 on April 13, 2012, 10:44:18 pm

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."
 :happy2:

Classic :grin: :congrats:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on April 13, 2012, 11:01:33 pm

Quote from: MC71 on April 13, 2012, 10:37:11 pm

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".   :happy2:

Quote from: MC71 on April 13, 2012, 10:41:04 pm

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude.".    :happy2:

Both classics.  :happy2:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on April 20, 2012, 01:51:48 am

An old one from Stewart Lee.....

What do you get if you cross the Queen and Prince Philip?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
........Killed in a tunnel.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on April 20, 2012, 01:54:09 am

I was at the swimming baths today & decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end.

The life-guard must have noticed cos he blew his whistle so f*cking loud I nearly fell in!!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on April 20, 2012, 01:54:54 am

Why did Snoop Dogg buy an Umbrella?



....for Drizzle!  :laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on April 20, 2012, 08:28:33 am

A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost. Finally he spots 2 houses so he goes up to the first house and looks in the door way. He sees an old lady yanking on her boobs and an old man jerking off. He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says "What's up with your neighbors?" and the owner of the house says "Oh that's the Robinson's, they're both deaf. She's telling him to go milk the cow and he's telling her to go f**k herself!"
 :happy2:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on April 20, 2012, 08:30:01 am

One day this girl was talking to her friend and she said to her, "My boyfriend bought me flowers for Valentines day this year so I guess I have to put my legs in the air for him.", and her friend replied, "Why? Don't you have a vase?"
 :happy2:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on April 20, 2012, 08:32:48 am

A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger f**king his wife. He says, "What the hell are you two doing?" His wife turns to the stranger and says, "I told you he was stupid."
 :happy2:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on April 20, 2012, 08:36:29 am

Last one!


A pregnant woman with her first child, paid a visit to her doctor. After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you...", to which the doctor replies "I know...I know..." placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
 :happy2:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on April 20, 2012, 09:37:21 pm

Paddy and a woman start kissing on sofa. After a while she whispers "let's take this upstairs". Paddy says "ok, you grab one end I'll get the other!"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on April 28, 2012, 07:50:58 pm

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.   

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."   

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press "Ctrl Alt Delete" and start all over? AMEN, AMEN!   

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't you know it!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.   

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
(A completely brilliant question!)

Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher -
and since it's in English, thank a soldier."   

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: simonp on April 29, 2012, 01:48:56 am

Little late with this one (I was texted it Thursday morning):

On sale now, Spanish Viagra. For those evenings when you can only manage a semi...

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on April 29, 2012, 09:17:15 pm

Quote from: simonp on April 29, 2012, 01:48:56 am

Little late with this one (I was texted it Thursday morning):

On sale now, Spanish Viagra. For those evenings when you can only manage a semi...

 :congrats: :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on April 29, 2012, 10:07:07 pm

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.”Don't do that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's coins out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the a... in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick head!"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film says 18 or over."

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swam with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat .

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: simonp on April 29, 2012, 10:14:34 pm

Quote from: Hedge on April 29, 2012, 10:07:07 pm

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

Reminded me of a joke.

One of the seven dwarves has been arrested for shagging a giraffe. He said the other six put him up to it!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on April 29, 2012, 10:56:43 pm

Have you tried the Walkers "Mystery Flavour" Crisps?

I swear they taste like my girlfriends fanny.

As first I thought it was my imagination, but all the lads in the pub agreed too.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on April 29, 2012, 11:12:59 pm

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"
 "There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

 :happy2:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: simonp on May 03, 2012, 03:39:28 pm

My mate set me up on a blind date. He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... she's expecting a baby." I felt like a right idiot walking to the pub wearing nothing but a nappy.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on May 03, 2012, 04:09:43 pm

I dont understand the hype around carlsberg supposedly being "Probably the best lager in the world ".

I found half a can on the wall outside the house this morning and it tasted like piss.  :sick:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: simonp on May 03, 2012, 05:23:08 pm

BBC News has reported that the man arrested by police for attempting to steal a combine harvester, but then fell inside it is due to be bailed today!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: simonp on May 03, 2012, 05:28:15 pm

Thought I spotted a superhero today when I saw a fella sprinting down the high street wearing a cape. Turned out the dodgy git hadn't paid for his haircut!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on May 03, 2012, 06:05:05 pm

The missus has just rung me screaming "you've given me crabs you barstewards! How could you?" I said "whoooaaaa, hang on a minute, before you start blaming me, have a word with your sister!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on May 03, 2012, 06:05:30 pm

After having sex with a rough council estate girl, there's nothing worse than looking down and seeing a split and leaking condom hanging off the end of your willy.......................... especially when you weren't wearing one to begin with.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Nodz on May 03, 2012, 06:06:21 pm

Extracts from letters written by council tenants:

1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on May 03, 2012, 06:09:22 pm

Quote from: monte on May 03, 2012, 06:05:30 pm

After having sex with a rough council estate girl, there's nothing worse than looking down and seeing a split and leaking condom hanging off the end of your willy.......................... especially when you weren't wearing one to begin with.

  :signLOL: :sick: :sick:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on May 03, 2012, 06:19:50 pm

Three parrots for sale, £200, £100, & £15. The woman asks "why is that parrot so cheap?" the shopkeeper replies " because it used to live in a brothel". The woman thinks its funny & buys the parrot. When she gets home, the parrot says " f£&@ me a new brothel" the woman laughs. Her two daughters come home and the parrot says " f£&@ me new prostitutes", the girls laugh. The husband comes home & the parrot says "f£&@ me Brian, I haven't seen you for weeks!"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on May 03, 2012, 06:20:40 pm

Went to bed with 2 thai birds last night, it was like winning the lottery!










…...we had 6 matching balls!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on May 03, 2012, 06:22:28 pm

Last one....since its Thursday  :ashamed:



I'm not saying my wife is a sl@g but even the labels in her knickers say Next!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Moschops on May 06, 2012, 12:10:06 pm

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Athens airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on May 06, 2012, 12:21:58 pm

Quote from: Moschops on May 06, 2012, 12:10:06 pm

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Athens airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."

Now that's funny!!    :congrats: :congrats:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on May 07, 2012, 03:32:24 pm

My mate's shagging twins, who both like it up the rear.

I asked him, "how do you tell them apart?"

He said "oh that's easy......

..... Sally's got massive tits and a nice shaven fanny,

and Derek's got a moustache and massive hairy balls".

 :laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on May 07, 2012, 03:35:55 pm

At school my favourite lesson was P.E.

 Probably because i had the biggest cock.

 I remember i used to stroll around the changing room naked, flicking the weaker kids with my towel whilst pointing and laughing at their little knobs  :grin:


.... Looking back I think that's probably why I got sacked.  :ashamed:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on May 07, 2012, 04:11:35 pm

 :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on May 10, 2012, 11:20:52 pm

The bbc will not be showing the funeral if vidal sassoon, but they will show the highlights!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Degudodger on May 10, 2012, 11:24:30 pm

I remember meeting Vidal Sassoon a couple of years back. We really gelled.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on May 10, 2012, 11:26:51 pm

^^^^ I also found him to be a cut above the rest.
 :happy2:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on May 10, 2012, 11:29:57 pm

^^^^^^


Apparently Vidal Sassoon wanted to be cremated.

Coming soon Vidal Sassoon's new range...

Dead and Smoulders.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: simonp on May 11, 2012, 12:04:01 pm

Apparently his family are undecided about whether to hold his funeral in the States or back comb in London...

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on May 11, 2012, 12:50:36 pm

^^^^  :congrats: :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: andrewparker on May 11, 2012, 01:15:50 pm

My best mate is half American, half Iraqi.....






.... he's his own worst enemy

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Banham on May 11, 2012, 01:33:09 pm

I was at a party the other night with my wife. She said, "Look at that guy drinking and dancing". I said, "Who is he?","38 years ago he proposed to me," she added. "...And I rejected him!" I said, "f*cking hell ,he's still celebrating."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: simonp on May 14, 2012, 04:10:31 pm

What's  red & goes beep, beep, beep, beep?

Man Utd's celebration coach reversing back in the garage

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Tamiyoman on May 14, 2012, 05:50:35 pm

What goes "Clippoty clop, clippoty clop, clippoty clop" Man City's celebration coach brought out of retirement  :happy2:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on May 14, 2012, 07:01:01 pm

How do you get a cork back in a champagne bottle ?








Ask a man u fan!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on May 21, 2012, 10:48:20 pm

Worried your pension will run short?

So you're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you - what do you do?

Senior Health Care Solution

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets.

You are allowed to shoot 2 MPs and 2 illegal immigrants!

Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating,air conditioning and all the health care you need!

New teeth? - No problem.

Need glasses? - Great.

New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart?

All covered.

(And your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now).

And who will be paying for all of this?

The same government that just told you that you they cannot afford for you to go into a home.

Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay income tax any more.


IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT? No wonder the rest of the world’s population can’t get here fast enough!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on May 21, 2012, 10:49:10 pm

Being told that they had discovered a cure for dyslexia was like music to my arse............

 :laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: sub39h on May 21, 2012, 10:53:12 pm

(https://www.mk5golfgti.co.uk/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.autoviva.com%2Fimg%2Fphotos%2F635%2F__img_73635.jpg&hash=067a45e1e0960d6b5f2104310cd142055ab163c4)

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on May 21, 2012, 11:06:14 pm

Quote from: monte on May 21, 2012, 10:49:10 pm

Being told that they had discovered a cure for dyslexia was like music to my arse............

 :laugh:

That is awesome Carlo.  :notworthy:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on May 21, 2012, 11:08:48 pm

Quote from: Hedge on May 21, 2012, 11:06:14 pm

Quote from: monte on May 21, 2012, 10:49:10 pm

Being told that they had discovered a cure for dyslexia was like music to my arse............

 :laugh:

That is awesome Carlo.  :notworthy:

 :laugh:  Dyslexia Rules!!! KO!!!  :laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on May 21, 2012, 11:15:40 pm

No dyslexia lures KO!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: dodds-gttdi on May 21, 2012, 11:26:10 pm

I think it's great all these dyslexic people are coming out of their shell. They should form a group to unite themselves togethers. Let's call it the National Dyslexic Association - or DNA as its members say. With a motto of "Dyslexic of the world, untie!!"

 :smile:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on May 21, 2012, 11:35:32 pm

                            PETER KAY ONE LINERS.  :notworthy: :notworthy:


I saw a fat person wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before..

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: simonp on May 21, 2012, 11:43:28 pm

A young man is walking down a stranded country lane when he realises he needs to go to the toilet. The only thing he can pee in is a empty can of lager, so he pees in there. Walking home with the can he gets spotted by the police.

"Excuse me Sir, are you drinking on the public streets?" The man calmly explains what it is. The police look at each other and arrest him for possession of cannapiss...

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: simonp on May 21, 2012, 11:47:24 pm

My Chinese neighbour died the other day and nobody turned up for his funeral.
Unbereavable.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: simonp on May 21, 2012, 11:52:24 pm

Wife steps out the shower checks herself out in a mirror and says to her husband "I look all fat and ugly, say something to cheer me up".

He replies "You have 20/20 vision"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on May 22, 2012, 10:53:20 am

My wife, Gillian, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Gillian was out.
After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry clear epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.
We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.
Gillian wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).
Gillian tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......
I just never saw one mounted and framed."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: StephenED30 on May 22, 2012, 09:43:02 pm

The Euro English

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro English”.

In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly , this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k”. This should klear up confusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

 There will be growing enthusiasm in the second year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords containing “ou” and after ziz fifz yer,v evil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on May 22, 2012, 10:46:30 pm

Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls?
A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on May 22, 2012, 10:52:55 pm

 Q: How do you tell if a woman is too fat to f**k ?
 A: When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them!!
 :sick:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Horatio on June 12, 2012, 12:54:25 pm

I was coming home from work today and I saw a Nun riding on a Clowns back. Now that’s just virgin on the ridiculous

I put my mobile phone in a big sea shell today, so I can use it whilst driving, if the police see me they'll just think I'm listening to the sea.

My wife says im way too condescending ....(that means i speak down to people)

Transvestites... they've got some balls

 :P

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Top Cat on June 22, 2012, 10:48:19 pm

An American tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies: "They have to go backwards. If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: vRS Carl on June 22, 2012, 10:50:05 pm

Quote from: Top Cat on June 22, 2012, 10:48:19 pm

An American tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies: "They have to go backwards. If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat."

I actually lol'd at that  :congrats:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on June 22, 2012, 11:16:38 pm

 :grin: :grin: :grin:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on June 22, 2012, 11:17:47 pm

The government has advised us to be careful that we are not being sold fake tickets for the olympics.

Just checked, and my tickets for the men's wheelchair triple jump seem genuine enough  :happy2:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on June 22, 2012, 11:18:51 pm

England could be disqualified from the Euros after complaints that Rooney may have been using performance enhancing rugs.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on June 22, 2012, 11:19:55 pm

I've got nothing against gays.

In fact alot of my friends....


....have nothing against gays either.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on June 26, 2012, 10:42:12 pm

I saw a TV For Sale in a shop window for £1.

The note also said that the volume was stuck on Full hence the cheap price!


I thought, I can't turn that down.  :laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on June 27, 2012, 06:35:51 pm

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked.. "I want to see Valerie," the man replied. "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam. "No, I must see Valerie," he replied. Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left..

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000. Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh ."

"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person..."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain...
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on June 27, 2012, 06:36:07 pm

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery!
I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on June 27, 2012, 06:36:33 pm

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Asda, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.

"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear."

"Yes sir, I understand your concern and I'll try harder."

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, "It's odd though your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning so late and so often?"

The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled.He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin,

"They usually saluted and said, 'Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, Sir ?”

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on June 27, 2012, 06:36:45 pm

While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her:

"Your heart,lungs, pulse and BP are fine.....
Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."


The lady started taking off her panties.....


Doctor, stopping her:

"No! No! Please put on your clothes.

Just show me your tongue! "

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on June 27, 2012, 06:36:59 pm

A man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she Would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply send a post card and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the Child Support payment to begin.

About 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'You received a very strange postcard today,' she said.

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he replied. The Wife obeyed.

And watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.

Awaiting extra sauce

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on June 28, 2012, 11:16:10 pm

There's an annual contest at Griffith University, Australia, calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.

This year's term was 'political correctness'.

The winning student wrote:
 
'Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and rapidly promoted by mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of sh*t by the clean end.."
 :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: sub39h on July 03, 2012, 06:02:32 am

Spain 4 - 0 Italy

Nothing to do with the football, it's the number of jobs available in each country.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Top Cat on July 03, 2012, 02:54:43 pm

Quote from: Hedge on June 28, 2012, 11:16:10 pm

There's an annual contest at Griffith University, Australia, calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.

This year's term was 'political correctness'.

The winning student wrote:
 
'Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and rapidly promoted by mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of sh*t by the clean end.."
 :signLOL:

 :notworthy:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Powervalve Nige on July 03, 2012, 11:45:07 pm

Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac ?

....He lies awake in bed at night wondering if there's a Dog

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on July 05, 2012, 10:47:10 pm

Received a text earlier...



Congratulations! You have won £250 of shopping vouchers

or

A night at an Elvis Presley tribute act.


To claim your prize, press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.....


 :laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on July 05, 2012, 10:52:37 pm

My mate called round earlier. "I didn't know you had a dog," he said.

"Yeah, we got him about a week ago. Poor little sod had been abandoned."

"Abandoned? He said, "Who'd abandon a friendly little fella like him?"

"Makes you wonder doesn't it," I replied, "But some cruel bas**rd had just left him tied to a post outside the supermarket."

 :happy2:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: sub39h on July 05, 2012, 11:04:17 pm

a Higgs boson goes into a church. the priest says, "you're not allowed in here! you call yourself the God particle, and that's just heresy!"

the Higgs boson says, "but father, without me there would be no mass?"

(i'll get my coat)

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: sub39h on July 14, 2012, 10:31:37 am

A Policeman pulled me over on the motorway.

He came to the window and said, "Papers," so I replied, "Scissors, I win," and drove off.

He must want a rematch, because he's been chasing me for f*cking miles now.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on July 20, 2012, 10:09:55 pm

A big row has broken out in the Irish Olympic Synchronised Swimming Team, after Paddy accused Micky of copying him.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on July 20, 2012, 11:23:01 pm

I'VE just been stopped by a lady in the street conducting a survey.

She asked me what i knew about dwarfs.

I said ''Very little.''

 :laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on July 20, 2012, 11:24:27 pm

A woman finds his hubby in bed with a female midget!

Furious, she screams…... 'You promised you wouldn't cheat again!'

Husband says…… 'At least I've cut down!'

 :laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on July 29, 2012, 09:17:01 pm

One of my best friends Drowned last month.
At his funeral, I made the wreath look like a life saver rubber ring!!!


Well it's what he would have wanted!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on July 29, 2012, 09:17:42 pm

I bought a Christmas tree and the guy said...
"Are you gonna put it up yourself?"
I said...."No it's going in the living room"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Apollo on July 29, 2012, 09:21:26 pm

Just got this text message, not sure if it's a prank: " Congratulations! You have won £250 of shopping vouchers, or a night at an Elvis Presley tribute act. To claim your prize, press 1 for the money, 2 for the show...."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on July 29, 2012, 09:24:30 pm

Quote from: Apollo on July 29, 2012, 09:21:26 pm

Just got this text message, not sure if it's a prank: " Congratulations! You have won £250 of shopping vouchers, or a night at an Elvis Presley tribute act. To claim your prize, press 1 for the money, 2 for the show...."

Doh!!! I wrote that one weeks ago mate.... further up the page  :ashamed:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Apollo on July 29, 2012, 09:25:42 pm

Quote from: monte on July 29, 2012, 09:24:30 pm

Quote from: Apollo on July 29, 2012, 09:21:26 pm

Just got this text message, not sure if it's a prank: " Congratulations! You have won £250 of shopping vouchers, or a night at an Elvis Presley tribute act. To claim your prize, press 1 for the money, 2 for the show...."

Doh!!! I wrote that one weeks ago mate.... further up the page  :ashamed:

I only read the last 2 posts lol.....so last week then!!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: mtj2k on July 30, 2012, 12:49:16 pm

I thought I saw Michael J Fox in the Garden center today.

Couldn't be 100% sure though; he had his back to the fuchsia's

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on July 30, 2012, 01:12:49 pm

^^^^ lost me. Probably just me being slow.  :confused:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on July 30, 2012, 02:20:51 pm

Quote from: MC71 on July 30, 2012, 01:12:49 pm

^^^^ lost me. Probably just me being slow.  :confused:

Probably too young or too old. Michael J Fox was the lead in a trilogy called "Back to the Future".

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on July 30, 2012, 02:23:15 pm

^^^^ ah,  got ya!  Never saw them but remember the name now, is it too late to laugh?  :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on July 30, 2012, 10:32:10 pm

Who picks up Guide dog sh*t?  :confused:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on July 30, 2012, 10:42:57 pm

Quote from: monte on July 30, 2012, 10:32:10 pm

Who picks up Guide dog sh*t?  :confused:

Watching Jimmy Carr?  :P

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: vRS Carl on July 30, 2012, 10:43:50 pm

Damn I meant to record that.

Edit - Just remembered the +1 :happy2:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on July 30, 2012, 10:45:12 pm

It'll be +1 in a few mins.  :smiley:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: vRS Carl on July 30, 2012, 10:47:05 pm

Quote from: Hedge on July 30, 2012, 10:45:12 pm

It'll be +1 in a few mins.  :smiley:

 :happy2:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Mzareieg on July 31, 2012, 01:48:56 am

 :laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: GolfGIT on July 31, 2012, 08:48:54 am

Quote from: Hedge on July 30, 2012, 10:42:57 pm

Quote from: monte on July 30, 2012, 10:32:10 pm

Who picks up Guide dog sh*t?  :confused:

Watching Jimmy Carr?  :P

Apparently the same person that pays his income tax bill - Nobody!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on August 03, 2012, 10:35:19 am

Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams and Elton John were walking over a bridge.

Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings.
 
With a sideways glance, Robbie pulls aside her G-String, and bonks her senseless!

He stands back and tells Elton, "Your turn!"

Elton bursts into tears.

"What's up?" asks Robbie.

Elton sobs, "My head won't fit through the railings!!"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on August 03, 2012, 10:47:18 am

^^^^  :signLOL: :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: vRS Carl on August 03, 2012, 07:45:03 pm

Couldn't sleep so got up at 3am for a drink. Stood in the kitchen in darkness I suddenly noticed a black guy prowling in next doors garden.

Before I could react, my neighbour ran across the lawn & hit the prowler with a shovel. I stood in astonished silence, watching as he immediately proceeded to start digging an impromptu grave in the garden with the blood splattered shovel.

I almost jumped out of my skin as my half-asleep wife stole up to me & snuggled up behind me. "Whats up darling, you're shaking?" she asked wearily.

"You won't believe this babe. That guy next door, cheeky f*ckers had my shovel all along!" I fumed.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on August 03, 2012, 07:58:26 pm

^^^^ that's a keeper!  :notworthy:

Not in the same Leauge but......


For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on August 03, 2012, 08:01:38 pm

Half dressed redneck couple sitting on couch watching news on TV with man's arm around the woman. The man says "Lookit them homo-sekshuls a ruining the sanctity of our institution. We oughta go to San Francisco just to show them liberals that marriage means one man, one woman. Right, Darlin'" The woman replies, "That's right, Daddy."

 :happy2:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on August 03, 2012, 08:03:01 pm

 :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on August 10, 2012, 08:24:06 am

The missus left a  post-it note on the fridge saying,

"It's no good, it's not working, I'm staying at mums for a while".

I opened it, the light came on, the beer was chilled.

Buggered if I know what she was on about.

 :rolleye:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on August 10, 2012, 10:44:39 pm

 :laugh: :congrats: :congrats: :congrats:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Horatio on August 18, 2012, 12:18:22 am

My mate signed up to Tesco Dating online.......









.....he ended up with a bag for life

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on August 18, 2012, 12:21:35 am

Scottish man walks into a bakery and says…

"Is that a Cake or a Meringue"?

Baker says….

"You are correct"



 :laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Powervalve Nige on August 18, 2012, 10:21:42 am

Quote from: monte on August 18, 2012, 12:21:35 am

Scottish man walks into a bakery and says…

"Is that a Cake or a Meringue"?

Baker says….

"You are correct"



 :laugh:

 :grin:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on August 21, 2012, 01:41:17 pm

Top ten from the Edinburgh Festival.

The top ten jokes chosen this year are as follows:
1. Stewart Francis – “You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."

2. Tim Vine – “Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. ”

3. Will Marsh – “I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.”

4. Rob Beckett – “You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.”

5. Chris Turner – “I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet … I don’t know why.”

6. Tim Vine – “I took part in the sun tanning Olympics – I just got Bronze.”

7. George Ryegold – “Pornography is often frowned upon, but that’s only because I’m concentrating.

8. Stewart Francis – “I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!”

9. Lou Sanders – “I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: ‘It’s not rocket salad.”

10. Nish Kumar – “My mum’s so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism … she wouldn’t fancy her chances.”

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on August 21, 2012, 02:49:45 pm

"Arch your back more!" I told Tom Daley, "...and, at the last second, lock your hips. That'll reduce the splash."


"Take your megaphone," he replied, "and get the f**k out of my toilet."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on August 21, 2012, 02:58:04 pm

Two campers where hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them.

Both campers start running for their lives when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.

His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"

His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hurdy on August 25, 2012, 01:13:54 am

This was a genuine Tombstone in America.....................


Five important rules to remember, don't forget them, Or else.



 A COWBOY TOMBSTONE:

Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah.

He died not knowing that he would win the 'Coolest Headstone' contest.

 FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on September 07, 2012, 12:34:07 am

Two interesting facts about me......



1) My penis is the same length as 2 Argos pens. 




2) I'm banned from Argos...  :ashamed:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on September 07, 2012, 12:36:26 am

Just finished in the olympics blindfold masturbation competition.

....F@*k  knows where i came??

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on September 07, 2012, 12:37:11 am

Fifty shades of grey.(yorkshire edition)

After point blank refusing to fork out for lube, he smeared her back doors in margarine and began masterfully heightening her pleasure.

She screamed...

"You tight barstewards, I can't believe it's not butter"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on September 07, 2012, 10:46:51 am

Quote from: monte on September 07, 2012, 12:34:07 am

Two interesting facts about me......



1) My penis is the same length as 2 Argos pens. 




2) I'm banned from Argos...  :ashamed:

 :signLOL: :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: matsu on September 07, 2012, 02:35:12 pm

whenever youre feeling down or depressed .....remember......youre the sperm that won!!! :jumpmove:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on September 07, 2012, 02:40:53 pm

A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.

"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on September 07, 2012, 02:42:05 pm

An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him.

After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him.

She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina".

The old guy says "God, I hope so, you've got the ugliest tits I've ever seen."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on September 07, 2012, 04:26:32 pm

# # SKY SPORTS NEWS #

Paralympic update...

Forty four spectators dead in the Epileptic clay pigeon shooting competition!!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Sunglasses Ron on September 07, 2012, 04:52:49 pm

What's yellow and smells or Marge...



Homer's c*ck..  :laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Sunglasses Ron on September 07, 2012, 05:04:53 pm

I got in touch with my inner self today.

That's the last time I buy Tesco Value toilet roll.  :ashamed:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Kalpsn2000 on September 07, 2012, 05:10:39 pm

An irritating friend took a drink from my girlfriend’s beer and said, “Haha, this is one step from kissing your girlfriend!”

“Yes it is,” I replied “and two steps from sucking my dick.”

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on September 10, 2012, 05:51:15 pm

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examining his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."

The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: gazon69 on September 10, 2012, 09:01:14 pm

7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: CAPTAIN BRITAIN on September 10, 2012, 09:07:34 pm

There was a young man called Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave
He said, I admit, she does smell a bit
But look at the money I'll save.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on September 10, 2012, 11:17:22 pm

Man marries a deaf girl.

He says "We need to work out a code"…..

"If I want sex, I'll stroke your tits"

"To reply, just pull my cock Once for YES….and 62 times for NO"

 :laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on September 15, 2012, 11:18:25 pm

Bought the wife some new perfume called "Chloroform".

She doesn't like it,

She says it makes her sleepy and her bum sore.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on September 15, 2012, 11:20:25 pm

I called my boss this morning and said,

"I won't be coming in today, the car won't start."

......"What about the bus?" he asked.

"I haven't got a bus" I said.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on September 15, 2012, 11:22:07 pm

 :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on September 15, 2012, 11:23:40 pm

Paddy is fitting a kitchen in a posh house when the woman asks him if he'd like something to drink.

Paddy accepts and soon after the woman brings him a mug of coffee.

"Excellent coffee," says Paddy.

"Thank you," says the woman. "My husband brought it back from Brazil"

"That's great," says Paddy, "can't believe it's still warm"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on September 28, 2012, 10:40:13 am

Beer - by 7-year olds!

A handful of 7 year old children were asked 'What they thought of beer'. Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially good .

'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mum gets.'
--Tim, 7 years old

'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. '
--Mellanie, 7 years old

'My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
--Grady, 7 years old

''My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
--Toby, 7 years old

'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old

'My Dad loves beer.. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
--Lilly, 7 years old

'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
--Ethan, 7 years old

'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
--Shirley, 7 years old

AND THE BEST RESPONSE

'My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
--Jack, 7 years

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on September 28, 2012, 10:24:35 pm

A guy gets a job on a building site. On Monday morning he goes to the site office and then to the stores to pick up his work gear. He looks at the wellies and one has the letter "L" on, and the other has the letter "R" on. He says to the boss, "What does that mean?" The boss says "Left & Right!" The guy says "Wow, I often wondered why the wifes knickers had C&A on them!!!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on September 28, 2012, 10:27:08 pm

Another one...

Two guys in a bar are discussing "positions" so one tells the other, "Well my favorite is the rodeo!" and the other says, "What's the rodeo?"

"well, first you get your wife down and start to do her doggy style, then when you're halfway done, you bend over and whisper in her ear, 'you know, this is your sister's favorite position too' and then try to hold on for 8 seconds!"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on September 28, 2012, 10:36:21 pm

Yet another....

Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!" The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where t hey landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?" The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy...any guy who can wrap his dick around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, is someone you shouldn't mess with!"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on September 28, 2012, 11:02:29 pm

And finally (for this Friday)....

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

(https://www.mk5golfgti.co.uk/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1049.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fs399%2Fmcaborn%2Frofl3.gif&hash=35689c8abcc749bf35869db7e74a8432d4cf4221)

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Kalpsn2000 on September 29, 2012, 09:44:21 am

Quote from: MC71 on September 28, 2012, 11:02:29 pm

And finally (for this Friday)....

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

(https://www.mk5golfgti.co.uk/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1049.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fs399%2Fmcaborn%2Frofl3.gif&hash=35689c8abcc749bf35869db7e74a8432d4cf4221)

Brilliant hahaha!!!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: steevo134 on September 29, 2012, 10:22:50 am

Quote from: MC71 on September 28, 2012, 11:02:29 pm

And finally (for this Friday)....

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

(https://www.mk5golfgti.co.uk/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1049.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fs399%2Fmcaborn%2Frofl3.gif&hash=35689c8abcc749bf35869db7e74a8432d4cf4221)

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on October 02, 2012, 02:29:19 pm

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Every Fill-Up.'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and said that if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were very close, the lucky number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.' A week later, Paddy,with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up.

Again Paddy asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3, you were very close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex at all.'

Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.
My wife won twice last week.'

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on October 02, 2012, 08:19:23 pm

Quote from: Hedge on October 02, 2012, 02:29:19 pm

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Every Fill-Up.'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and said that if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were very close, the lucky number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.' A week later, Paddy,with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up.

Again Paddy asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3, you were very close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex at all.'

Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.
My wife won twice last week.'

Brilliant  :grin: :congrats:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on October 04, 2012, 11:25:15 pm

JJB s are now selling discounted Jimmy Saville tracksuits. 

The tops are adult size but you have to force yourself into kids bottoms...


 :laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: sub39h on October 04, 2012, 11:50:24 pm

"I can't fit any appointments in today." said the dentist to the patient. "I already have 18 cavities to fill!"

He then picked up his golf bag, and left.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on October 06, 2012, 12:33:35 pm

Got the mrs a pug dog, for her Birthday  :smiley:


Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat the dog seems to like her!  :laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: matsu on October 11, 2012, 07:25:14 pm

JD Sports are doing Jimmy Saville memorial tracksuits..They have an adult size top but you have to squeeze into kids bottoms.

The wife was trying to be sexy last night, laid on the bed sliding her lollypop in and out of her fanny and then licking it. Steady love I said you'll need that in the morning to see the kids across the road!

When will these jimmy saville sex allegations ever end? Police are now saying jeremy beadle may have had a small hand in it.
Dear Jim,

Please could you fix it for the girl in my class who I really fancy to come on holiday with me.

Yours sincerely,
Jeremy Forrest, Age 30.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on October 11, 2012, 09:25:50 pm

A friend of mine wants to know.....

Are Chinese Whiskers racist?

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on October 11, 2012, 09:28:46 pm

I see Jimmy Savilles family have removed his gravestone along with all the flowers growing round it as a sign of respect to his victims.

So it just leaves a small hole with no bush around it . Just what Jimmy would have wanted.

 :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on October 11, 2012, 10:44:04 pm

Jimmy Savilles last request was for his ashes to be put into an Etch-a-Sketch so that kids could continue to fiddle with his knob

A gang of dyslexic vigilantes have just beaten up Jimmy Somerville

When will these Jimmy Savile allegations ever end? Police are now saying that Jeremy Beadle may have had a small hand in it.

And my favourite.....

The BBC News channel just displayed images of the three women who claimed that Jimmy Savile interfered with them sexually. They showed a current picture of each of the women and a picture taken of each of them from the 1970s.

The caption read: Now, then. Now, then. Now, then.   

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on October 12, 2012, 11:32:50 am

A man walks into a chemist and says to the bloke behind the counter,

'Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once and I need something to keep me horny... keep me potent.'

The chemist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with the label Viagra Extra Strength and says,


'If you take this, you'll go mental for 12 hours.'

Very happy and excited, the man says, 'Gimme three boxes.'

The next day the man walks into the same chemist's shop, right up to the same chemist and pulls down his pants. The chemist looks in horror as he notices the man's cock is swollen, black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.

The man says, 'Gimme a tube of Deep Heat.'

The chemist replies, 'Deep Heat? You're not going to put Deep Heat on that are you?'

The man says, 'No, it's for my arms. The girls didn't show up.'

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Kalpsn2000 on October 12, 2012, 11:45:02 am

Quote from: Hedge on October 12, 2012, 11:32:50 am

A man walks into a chemist and says to the bloke behind the counter,

'Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once and I need something to keep me horny... keep me potent.'

The chemist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with the label Viagra Extra Strength and says,


'If you take this, you'll go mental for 12 hours.'

Very happy and excited, the man says, 'Gimme three boxes.'

The next day the man walks into the same chemist's shop, right up to the same chemist and pulls down his pants. The chemist looks in horror as he notices the man's cock is swollen, black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.

The man says, 'Gimme a tube of Deep Heat.'

The chemist replies, 'Deep Heat? You're not going to put Deep Heat on that are you?'

The man says, 'No, it's for my arms. The girls didn't show up.'

 :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on October 12, 2012, 03:05:03 pm

My dad worked on the roadworks for twenty years before he got fired for stealing!

I couldn't believe it at first, but when i went into his garage.....all the signs were there.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Scrubadub on October 12, 2012, 04:04:27 pm

When will all these Jimmy Savile allegations end?   Now they are saying that Jeremy Beadle may have had a small hand in it too.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Scrubadub on October 12, 2012, 04:05:57 pm

More celebrity scandal, Morph outed as a playdoughphile

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: steevo134 on October 13, 2012, 06:25:31 pm

Whit do u for a 14 yr olds itchy fanny   Put Saville on it

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: rich83 on October 17, 2012, 07:41:16 pm

Quote from: Hedge on October 12, 2012, 11:32:50 am

A man walks into a chemist and says to the bloke behind the counter,

'Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once and I need something to keep me horny... keep me potent.'

The chemist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with the label Viagra Extra Strength and says,


'If you take this, you'll go mental for 12 hours.'

Very happy and excited, the man says, 'Gimme three boxes.'

The next day the man walks into the same chemist's shop, right up to the same chemist and pulls down his pants. The chemist looks in horror as he notices the man's cock is swollen, black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.

The man says, 'Gimme a tube of Deep Heat.'

The chemist replies, 'Deep Heat? You're not going to put Deep Heat on that are you?'

The man says, 'No, it's for my arms. The girls didn't show up.'

 :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: pitsirikas on October 18, 2012, 05:52:57 pm

Perhaps in the wrong topic but I cannot stop laughing...

[ Invalid YouTube link ]

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on October 18, 2012, 08:20:24 pm

George Clooney is making a film about the life of Jimmy Saville. It's called... Oh She's Eleven!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on October 18, 2012, 08:27:33 pm

^^^^  :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Kalpsn2000 on October 18, 2012, 09:54:09 pm

Quote from: pitsirikas on October 18, 2012, 05:52:57 pm

Perhaps in the wrong topic but I cannot stop laughing...

[ Invalid YouTube link ]

:laugh: that's brilliant!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: phil1975 on October 19, 2012, 09:13:15 am

The british sense of humour

(https://www.mk5golfgti.co.uk/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdaz.co%2Fmedia%2Fz331%2Fphil1975%2Fhansa.jpg&hash=d3092cdb056fc77e986e84d7d2d249348dd6be14)

One for the kids....

(https://www.mk5golfgti.co.uk/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdaz.co%2Fmedia%2Fz331%2Fphil1975%2Frabbit.jpg&hash=92451a161ce76294386f7bba68ac8279c306db7d)

My personal favourite...

(https://www.mk5golfgti.co.uk/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdaz.co%2Fmedia%2Fz331%2Fphil1975%2Fcookie.jpg&hash=4487e22f15c67db1e6ffd7168cd5abd24f336992)

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on October 19, 2012, 04:49:19 pm

^^^^ love that Abu Hamza one.  :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on October 19, 2012, 06:16:19 pm

(https://www.mk5golfgti.co.uk/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F2.bp.blogspot.com%2F-8HchM2wMNt4%2FUG_8twEwK3I%2FAAAAAAAAhik%2FZ3sFf7MKkUM%2Fs1600%2Fblair.jpg&hash=06666eae095c1ac2d59739b94df61b8c028e0cbc)

One sick individual, now universally loathed by a nation for shafting the innocent.

.....Seen here with Jimmy Saville.
 

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Kalpsn2000 on October 20, 2012, 12:02:27 am

Txt message:

Our records indicate that you were once felt up by Jimmy Saville and could be entitled to £2147 in compensation.
Just reply "how's about that then" to register or to opt out just text "stop Jimmy stop".
Register before the end of the month and get a free "Lawyers 4 U fixed it for me" medal.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: sub39h on October 28, 2012, 10:05:44 am

"I know women like to be mysterious but turn signals are for safety purposes."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on October 31, 2012, 02:46:04 am

Night Phone Call To The Vet

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbor's male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied.
 

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on October 31, 2012, 01:15:53 pm

A new sign in the Bank reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:

1... Drive up to the ATM.

2. LOWER your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Raise window.

7. Drive off..

*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:

(Unfortunately, most of this is true.!!)

1. Drive up to ATM machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN ...

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to ATM machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and drive off.

25. Redial person on mobile phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 kilometres.

27. Release Hand Brake.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on October 31, 2012, 02:44:53 pm

^^^^ love that, especially this bit...

26. Dive for 2 or 3 kilometres

27. Release Hand Brake

 :signLOL: :signLOL: :signLOL: ....... So true!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Kalpsn2000 on October 31, 2012, 05:19:17 pm

^^^ Brilliant Hedge :happy2:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on November 20, 2012, 09:08:13 pm

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.

When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!

Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?'

Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $200.'
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2PM Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les's house at 2PM sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $200 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Les came home from golf at 6pm. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'
With a lump in her throat Sue answered, 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $200?'
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $200.'
Les, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed $200 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player

 :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on November 20, 2012, 09:20:53 pm

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying barstewards! You've been playing golf!".

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on November 20, 2012, 09:24:56 pm

An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for £100?"

"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for £1,000?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for £10,000?!"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, £10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.

As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'
"Nah," says the little old man... "Costs too much!"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on November 20, 2012, 09:31:54 pm

What a woman says...

This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears...

blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on November 20, 2012, 09:37:39 pm

"Take me back to your place and do me up the a*se!" Some fat girl demanded last night.

"I would but I don't have any lubricant," I said.

"Oh you won't need any, I'm very loose," she winked.

"Maybe so," I replied, "but my door frame is very narrow."

  :laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on November 20, 2012, 09:46:31 pm

 :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on November 20, 2012, 10:34:30 pm

Paddy is up late one night watching BabeStation on Sky.

He sees the number at the bottom of the screen and grabs the phone.

"Hi Sexy, What can I do for you tonight?" He hears,

Paddy says...."You see that sofa you're lying on?"

"Yes" she replies,

Paddy says "quick jump over the back of it and hide"

"Oh Kinky" she says...."but why?"

Paddy says "I can here the wife coming downstairs and I can't find the fookin remote"

 :laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Kalpsn2000 on November 22, 2012, 02:27:36 pm

(https://www.mk5golfgti.co.uk/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Fsmileys%2Fsmiley-laughing025.gif&hash=3a939f9076f40a8e775a308eda8686d5e0958fa8) (http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys.php)

^^^Some great jokes guys :happy2:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on November 25, 2012, 10:25:59 pm

Bit of a long read....sorry  :ashamed:



Subject: Australian Competition 'Match Mate'
This got the whole of Sydney, Australia,  laughing. Read it and you'll see why!

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney .

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.

The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if
They are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant
answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with
(phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same
three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City
drop to its knees with laughter.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ:       "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great!  You know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if
you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant:  "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sarah."

DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Brian?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever Have said
that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
morning?

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work Number and
call her up.

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch tones.....
ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air Right now  and
I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to
give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules
of  'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian:  (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay?  Be
completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If
your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be Off to
the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it  last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect is
manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away
from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the  arse....."  :grin:

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have
a heart attack, he could not stop laughing.  Apparently there was an
unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this
conversation, for minor traffic collisions.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on November 25, 2012, 10:30:08 pm

^^^^ Brilliant. Worth the 5 minute read.  :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on November 25, 2012, 10:31:37 pm

 :congrats: :congrats: :congrats:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Kalpsn2000 on November 25, 2012, 10:52:28 pm

^^^
Haha :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: phil1975 on November 27, 2012, 09:39:30 am

Paddy and Mick were both made redundant, so they went to the
unemployment office.

When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Knicker Stitcher: I sews
de elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs."

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it
classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment
pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel
Fitter." Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick
£160 a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office
to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his
pay.

The clerk explained, "Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and
Diesel Fitters are skilled labour."

"What feckin' skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sews de elastic on de knickers
and thongs, den Mick puts dem over his head and says, 'Yep, diesel
fitter...'"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on November 29, 2012, 10:50:51 pm

All these years thinking I had a birth mark on my arse, now it turns out to be a cigar burn, hows about that then!!  :ashamed:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on December 01, 2012, 11:02:00 pm

My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' you to get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

I'm still looking for a place to live.

 :laugh: :laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: sub39h on December 01, 2012, 11:18:13 pm

monte's story is epic!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Degudodger on December 09, 2012, 03:49:33 pm

A guy goes into a bar to have a drink. Sitting at the counter is a sailor, who is normal in every way except one - his head is much, much smaller that the rest of his body.
The guy buys the sailor a beer and works up a conversation. After a while, the guy summons the courage to ask about the sailor's small head.

The sailor begins to tell his story. Some years ago his ship sank, and he was stranded on an island, all alone and without any provisions. Things looked so bad that he figured his days were numbered. Then, one day when all hope seemed lost, a beautiful mermaid swam upon the shore. The mermaid told him that she would grant him 3 wishes - anything in the world he wanted would be his.

Of course his first wish was to get off the island, and when he told the mermaid his desires, a magnificent yacht appeared in the bay, and it was all his.

He then told the mermaid his second wish - to become rich! The mermaid nodded and a treasure chest appeared on the beach, full of gold and gems.

The mermaid then asked the sailor for his third wish. The sailor recalled that he had been on that island for a long time, without any female companionship. And the mermaid was very good looking, so the sailor said how about a little head?

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: AA on December 09, 2012, 07:34:45 pm

Quote from: sub39h on December 01, 2012, 11:18:13 pm

monte's story is epic!

Monte :happy2: cheers

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on December 10, 2012, 09:01:36 pm

The wife lost a tooth last night while eating a packet of dry roasted peanuts.

To be fair I did actually warn her not to keep rustling the packet while the football was on.  :innocent:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on December 10, 2012, 10:12:39 pm

 :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on December 10, 2012, 10:29:26 pm

A little girl unexpectedly walks in on her parents having sex, Mum on top of Dad. After surveying the scene for a moment or two, she asks what they are doing.

"I was just letting some of the air out of Daddy because he's too fat," said her Mum.

The girl replies, "What's the point Mummy? The lady next door is just going to blow him up again tomorrow like she usually does."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on December 10, 2012, 10:32:19 pm

Two repair men were walking along examining the railway track, chatting casually.

"I had a great shag near here the other day," said one of them, "a great girl, she had a lovely body and the longest smoothest legs you can imagine. Gagging for it she was. The best sex I've had in years!"

"Well," said the other, she must have been a bit of a dog to go with you. What did she look like? Blonde hair I suppose."

"Dunno," said the first, "I couldn't find her head."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on December 10, 2012, 10:35:36 pm

Quote from: MC71 on December 10, 2012, 10:32:19 pm

Two repair men were walking along examining the railway track, chatting casually.

"I had a great shag near here the other day," said one of them, "a great girl, she had a lovely body and the longest smoothest legs you can imagine. Gagging for it she was. The best sex I've had in years!"

"Well," said the other, she must have been a bit of a dog to go with you. What did she look like? Blonde hair I suppose."

"Dunno," said the first, "I couldn't find her head."

Classic  :congrats:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on December 10, 2012, 10:39:23 pm

A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time, and had been invited to dinner. After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog, Rover, who was sitting underneath the boy's chair. Unfortunately, it had been a large dinner and the boy really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.

"Rover! Get out!" the father yelled.

"This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks it's the dog farting!" So he let out another one, somewhat louder than the first.

"Rover! Get out from under that chair!" the father barked.

The boy was feeling more confident now that the dog was clearly getting the blame, so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.

"Rover! For god's sake get out from under that chair before that bloody boy sh*ts on you!"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on December 10, 2012, 10:41:06 pm

There was a lady sitting at the bar and every time she wanted a drink she would raise her arm. She seemed to have an awful lot of hair under her armpit and the barman was finding it quite revolting and mentioned this to a man also sitting at the bar, saying that the next time she did that he was not going to give her a drink. One minute later she said,
"Bartender, Bartender, get me another drink."

The barman refused, but the man sitting there said,
"Oh go on, give the poor ballerina another drink."

The barman was intrigued and asked the man how he knew she was a ballerina, to which he replied,
"Well, anyone that can lift their leg that high must be a ballerina!"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on December 10, 2012, 10:41:38 pm

Dear Deardrie,

My boyfriend's a right dick!

He told me the best cure for constipation was anal sex.  

I didn't believe him but after some persuasion, he talked me into it and I let him stick his cock into my tiny little arsehole.

He shagged me up the bum really hard, and I didn't enjoy it.

He's just rung me this morning saying he wants to try it again as he's still constipated.

What should I do?

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on December 10, 2012, 10:46:04 pm

A guy is walking along  Pier, when he meets a girl with no legs or arms, crying.

"Why are you crying?" he asks.

"I've never been hugged," she says. The guy hugs her, but she continues crying.

"Why are you crying now?" he asks.

"I've never been kissed," she says. The guy kisses her, but she continues crying.

"What's the problem this time?" he asks, getting a little impatient.

"I've never been screwed," she says, whereby the guy promptly picks her up and throws her into the water.

"There," he says. "Now you're screwed."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on December 10, 2012, 10:50:56 pm

Quote from: monte on December 10, 2012, 10:41:38 pm

Dear Deardrie,

My boyfriend's a right dick!

He told me the best cure for constipation was anal sex.   

I didn't believe him but after some persuasion, he talked me into it and I let him stick his cock into my tiny little arsehole.

He shagged me up the bum really hard, and I didn't enjoy it.

He's just rung me this morning saying he wants to try it again as he's still constipated.

What should I do?

Quality.  :congrats:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on December 10, 2012, 10:54:46 pm

Last one...

A young couple had only been married for about a year, but the man felt the initial spark was no longer in their sex life. He mentioned the problem to his mate down the pub, who suggested a bit of experimentation in the bedroom in order to try to spice things up a little. This sounded like a good idea, and one night while he was seducing his wife he quietly whispered in her ear,
"darling, would you mind if I put it in the other hole tonight?" To which she replied,
"you'd better not, we can't afford to have kids yet...."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on December 10, 2012, 10:57:05 pm

 :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on December 12, 2012, 07:51:57 pm

I've got the wife a new fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

 :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Degudodger on December 13, 2012, 01:28:19 pm

A woman comes into a vet clinic with a limp duck in her hands.

The vet takes the duck, lays it on the table and after careful examination
tells the woman that her duck is dead.

The woman is disbelieving and asks him if he is sure the duck is dead.

The vet leaves the room and returns with a black labrador retriever.

The dog jumps up on the table, sniffs the duck, shakes his head and leaves the room.

The vet leaves the room again and returns with a cat.

The cat jumps up on the table, looks at the duck, shakes his head and leaves the room.

After the cat leaves, the vet prints out a bill for $150 and gives it to the woman.

The woman is outraged at the bill and questions why it's $150 for him to tell her the
duck is dead.

The vet replies...'Normally it would have been $20 but the extra cost is for the lab report
and cat scan'.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on December 13, 2012, 02:34:26 pm

^^^^  :signLOL: :stupid:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on December 17, 2012, 12:35:21 pm

Hello Friends


With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with you about drinking and driving. As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.

Two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several beers followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I might be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home. Sure enough, on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it. Any suggestions would be appreciated.


Kind regards

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: ripmateyy on December 19, 2012, 06:13:03 pm

Ian Watkins misunderstood when he was asked to play with Kids In Glass Houses.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Sunglasses Ron on December 23, 2012, 11:23:57 am

What's the difference between a practical joke and a temperature?


Nurses can take a temperature..   :rolleye:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Veee-dubber on December 23, 2012, 02:28:12 pm

I went to the local shops today, as I usually do on a Sunday, only today was different.
Outside the shop I was approached by a gang of hooded youthes " Oiii you, get me 10 Richmonds now, or your getting it!" the leader threatened as the rest of the gand circled around me.

"Ok, Sure I stuttered".

The leader then placed a handful of coins into my trembling hand.. and off I walked hastly into the shop.

Ten minutes later I returned from inside the shop, "They only do them in packs of 8" I said, chucked them their sausages and walked off.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on January 02, 2013, 02:45:20 pm

Maria had just got married,
and being a traditional Italian,
she was still a virgin.
On her wedding night,
she stayed at her mother's house,
and was very nervous.
Her mother reassured her:
Don't worry Maria, Tony's a good man.
Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.
Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta."

So, up she went.
When she got upstairs,
Tony took off his shirt
and exposed
his hairy chest.
Maria ran downstairs to her
mother and says,
Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."
Don't worry, Maria," says the mother,
All good men have hairy chests.
Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again.
When she got up in the bedroom,
Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs.
Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother,
Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and
he's got hairy legs!"
Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs.
Tony's a good man.
Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again.
When she got there,
Tony took off his socks and on his
left foot
he was missing three toes.
When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.
Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
Her Mama said,
Stay here and stir the pasta."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Moschops on January 02, 2013, 03:38:19 pm

^^^ :congrats:^^^^

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: bigmig95 on January 03, 2013, 04:47:18 pm

Hopefully a few to cheer you up after getting back to work  :sad1: Something to offend everyone.



The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
 
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
 
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin , 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself , they've lost the plot!!
 
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!!   Blow this , I thought , I can get one cheaper off the web..
 
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance , so I pushed her over.
 
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
 
I was driving this morning when I saw an RACQ van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown..
 
Statistically , 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.
 
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that , 2:30am?!  Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
 
Paddy says "Mick , I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
 
Man calls 000 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know?  He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"
   
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!  At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
 
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
   
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.  He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.
 
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.  She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.
 
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
 
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
   
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today , she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead , until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
 
The wife was counting all the 5c's and 10c's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself , "She's going through the change."
 
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean , it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
 
Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' , who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours , believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern..
 
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
 
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh , I forgot to tell you , today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
 
Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"
 
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema , the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies , "The film said 18 or over."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Veee-dubber on January 04, 2013, 07:36:38 pm

^^^ you sir are a genious...

Thats my FB status sorted for the next few weeks :)

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on January 11, 2013, 09:09:58 pm

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazyladybusy.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner. It took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

I just found some naked photos of Miss Piggy floating in Kermit's pond. Looks like frog's porn to me.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.... I think they were just Hovis Witnesses.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: taylor on January 11, 2013, 09:22:29 pm

^^^^ some cracking jokes there

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: mattgolfgti on January 11, 2013, 09:31:47 pm

Quote from: Veee-dubber on January 04, 2013, 07:36:38 pm

^^^ you sir are a genious...

Thats my FB status sorted for the next few weeks :)

that's what I thought too!  :grin:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Scrubadub on January 11, 2013, 09:34:25 pm

What's the difference between my wife and a cart horse?

The horse doesn't kick when you whack your load on its back.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: mikeedwilson on January 13, 2013, 05:27:02 pm

Quote from: matsu on August 01, 2009, 08:00:45 pm

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.   I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
 
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
 

Love it!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on January 13, 2013, 05:41:05 pm

When the pope toured Ireland he was asked what he thought of County Down.

He said, it’s not the same since Carol Vorderman left.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on January 13, 2013, 05:42:58 pm

Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C," he said.
I said "What, cancer?"
 He said "No, dyslexia."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on January 13, 2013, 05:45:50 pm

I made a ventriloquist's dummy out of pieces of old carpet last night.
It was ruggish.



(...bit like the joke. Sorry)  :ashamed:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on January 13, 2013, 05:49:09 pm

Quote from: monte on January 13, 2013, 05:41:05 pm

When the pope toured Ireland he was asked what he thought of County Down.

He said, it’s not the same since Carol Vorderman left.

 :signLOL: :signLOL:


A few for the collection.....



A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on January 13, 2013, 05:56:43 pm

A father and son walk into a bar and the dads says to the son. "What do you want fathead?"

The son stumbles on his words and the father again says, "What do you want fathead?"

A lady close by says, "Why do you keep calling your son fathead".

And he replies, "Well lady there are 3 things a man has to have in his life to be a successful man. Number one you got to have a big truck, see that truck over there? That's mine, biggest truck in the county.

Second. You got to have a big house. See that house down the street? That's mine, the biggest house in the county.

And thirdly, your women has to have a tight pu*sy, and I had that till this fathead came along."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on January 13, 2013, 05:58:24 pm

Mike and Bob are swimming when they see a pregnant woman drowning.
They quickly pull her to safety.
Mike starts giving her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
Bob takes off the woman's panties and puts his mouth on her pu*sy.

Mike says, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

Bob replies, "You save the mother, I'll save the child!"      

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on January 13, 2013, 08:19:03 pm

Love the fathead joke  :laugh: :grin:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on January 16, 2013, 01:32:33 pm

Just been in the fridge....

Checked my Tesco burgers...



...and they're off.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on January 16, 2013, 03:49:27 pm

^^^^  :signLOL:


Whatever next? My Lidl pony?

Tesco hate being saddled with this story. Their PR agency must be bridling too. They'll just have to get the bit between their teeth.

The police are doing a door to door enquiries about these horse burgers. They will soon have covered the whole Neigh-bourhood.

I've tried Sainsbury's and Tesco burgers and I have to say Tesco wins by a nose.


Never having another one of those Tesco burgers. Gave me the trots.

I see absolutely no problem with horsemeat in my burgers, which is why my mane is so glossy and I'm running in the 3:10 at Kempton

Can't believe that woman was sent to hospital after eating a horse meat burger...... Her condition is said to be stable

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Veee-dubber on January 16, 2013, 05:42:43 pm

I suppose with all these horse puns aimed at Tesco it takes abit of pressure off Jimmy Saddle

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Degudodger on January 18, 2013, 04:08:58 am

I hear Sarah Jessica Parker has been announced as the new face of Tesco's beef burgers.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Mk5 GTian on January 18, 2013, 07:39:17 am

(https://www.mk5golfgti.co.uk/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1188.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fz418%2FGTi72%2FManWoman.jpg&hash=e76c26456c895e0417ffd71eea00491edf350528)

HER: "Why is he ignoring me? Does he no longer find me attractive? Has he fallen out of love with me? Is there another woman? Do I no longer interest him intellectually? Am I being emotionally needy? Am I not good enough in bed for him? HIM: "I just don't know which cold air intake to go for: EVOMS or REVO?"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on January 22, 2013, 08:43:29 pm

Keith and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll try being a hooker.
She's not quite sure what to do, so Keith says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy.
Tell him you charge a hundred dollars.
Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner."
She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a guy pulls up and asks "How much?"
She says, "A hundred dollars."

He replies, "All I got is thirty."
She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Keith and asks.
"What now. What can he get for thirty?"
"A hand job," Keith replied.
She runs back and tell the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job.
 He agrees and she gets in the car.
He unzips his trousers, and out pops this HUGE willy.
She stares at it for a few seconds, then says.
"I'll be right back..." She runs back to Keith.
 "What's wrong?" he asks.

"Any chance you could lend this guy seventy dollars?"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on January 25, 2013, 10:34:21 pm

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow! You had a bad day?"

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." he replies.

The next day the guy is back and asked for the same drinks again.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back,

"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy comes back into the bar and orders another six double vodkas.

The bartender says, "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?".


"Yeah, my wife…" he replies.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on January 25, 2013, 10:37:56 pm

 :laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: camfollower on January 25, 2013, 11:13:34 pm

Hasn't that been told b4.. lol... we're now repeating jokes.; maxed completely out.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on January 26, 2013, 12:20:23 am

Quote from: camfollower on January 25, 2013, 11:13:34 pm

Hasn't that been told b4.. lol... we're now repeating jokes.; maxed completely out.

Ill say no. Feel free to search for it though  :laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: camfollower on January 26, 2013, 05:45:37 am

Quote from: monte on January 26, 2013, 12:20:23 am

Quote from: camfollower on January 25, 2013, 11:13:34 pm

Hasn't that been told b4.. lol... we're now repeating jokes.; maxed completely out.

Ill say no. Feel free to search for it though  :laugh:

Lmao, it's in there alright... I think.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on January 26, 2013, 03:57:33 pm

Possible repost.  :smiley:

Jeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
 
"Name's Stan, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00.
 
"Great", says Jeff, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
 
As Stan is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinkin!"
 
"Not a problem" says Jeff. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
 
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too."
 
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right and, if not, I can handle myself pretty well .....I'll be there. Thanks again."
 
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"
 
"Now that's really not a problem" says Jeff, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
 
"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: camfollower on January 26, 2013, 04:10:48 pm

Squeal piggy.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on January 26, 2013, 06:53:05 pm

Tim decided to marry his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes.

His new wife was standing there watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally spoke.

“Tim,darling now that we are married I think it's time you gave up golf. Perhaps you should consider selling your clubs?”

Tim looked horrified. She said, “Darling, what's wrong?”

“Just for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.” Tim replied.

“Ex wife!” she gasped, “You didn't tell me you'd been married before!”

“I haven't!” He replied.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on January 26, 2013, 06:54:28 pm

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman sitting next to him started to breastfeed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."

Finally the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid, make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on January 26, 2013, 06:54:57 pm

Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a New Zealand dairy farmer.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'Then the farmer leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks,
'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'
That's simple, by the nail over its stall', Maggie explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'
She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, ......'I guess it's to hang your trousers on.'

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on January 26, 2013, 06:55:52 pm

In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1998 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Stanipkiss on January 26, 2013, 07:26:39 pm

Quote from: stealthwolf on January 26, 2013, 06:55:52 pm

In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1998 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort"

:signLOL: out loud
used to call them Ford clitoris as every cun* had 1

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Mk5 GTian on January 28, 2013, 08:45:22 pm

Jeremy Beadle would have loved the ipad. On the other hand, he'd have preferred an iphone.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on January 31, 2013, 05:31:58 pm

Ah the old Beadle jokes.  :grin:

There will be quite a few here that won't even know Jezzer and his freaky hand  :laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on January 31, 2013, 05:33:36 pm

 Tim decided to marry his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes.

His new wife was standing there watching him. After a long period of silence she finally spoke.

“Tim Darling now that we are married I think it's time you gave up golf. Perhaps you should consider selling your clubs."  Tim looked horrified.

She said, “Darling, what's wrong?"

"For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife.” Tim replied.

“Ex wife!” she gasped, “You didn't tell me you'd been married before!"

“I haven't!” He replied.

 :laugh:
 
 
 
 
 
 

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on January 31, 2013, 05:41:25 pm

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on January 31, 2013, 05:44:11 pm

A fellow went off on his honeymoon, and after returning meets up with a friend for a beer and conversation.

 The friend, being single and a pervert to boot, begins to inquire as to the festivities of the honeymoon. "So, Bob, big married man, did ya get any while you were out there?" the friend asks.

Bob just shakes his head. "Ah, you know me. I like to fish. So I just fished."

His friend gasps. "You mean you didn't have no sex? C'mon, Bob, tell me at least got a blowjob!"

Bob again shakes his head. "Naw, she had pyorrhea, so I just fished. You know I like to fish."

His friend replies, "Bob, she's your god damn wife! She's gotta give it up when you say! You should just made her do it!"

Bob replies, "Nah, she had gonorrhea, and you know me. I like to fish, so I just fished."

His friend, now quite upset, says, "What?! Why didn't ya just pork it up her ass?"

"Well," says Bob, "she had diarrhea...and you know me, I like to fish. So I just fished."

His friend, totally exasperated by this point, shouts at him, "Jesus! Why'd you marry this sick bitch anyway?!"

Bob replies, "Well, she got worms, and you know how I like to fish..."

 :sick: :laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on January 31, 2013, 06:03:26 pm

Quote from: monte on January 31, 2013, 05:33:36 pm

Tim decided to marry his long time girlfriend.

I take it you missed the one I posted a few days ago: http://www.mk5golfgti.co.uk/forum/index.php/topic,6205.msg677727.html#msg677727 ?

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Mk5 GTian on January 31, 2013, 09:31:22 pm

I can't wait to get home and whip my bird's knickers off.





They're chafing like buggery.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on January 31, 2013, 09:46:31 pm

Quote from: stealthwolf on January 31, 2013, 06:03:26 pm

Quote from: monte on January 31, 2013, 05:33:36 pm

Tim decided to marry his long time girlfriend.

I take it you missed the one I posted a few days ago: http://www.mk5golfgti.co.uk/forum/index.php/topic,6205.msg677727.html#msg677727 ?

Whoops  :ashamed:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on January 31, 2013, 09:54:03 pm

^^^^  :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Ash3000k on February 01, 2013, 10:48:28 am

Has anyone tested Tesco's veggie burgers for uniquorn yet? (sorry)

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Ash3000k on February 01, 2013, 10:48:58 am

Scientist: "Sir, we've discovered horse meat in your burgers." Tesco boss: "Why the long face?"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: camfollower on February 01, 2013, 10:56:55 am

Quote from: Ash3000k on February 01, 2013, 10:51:27 am

HSE confirm that all who ate #horseburgers are in a stable condition

:laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: 182_blue on February 01, 2013, 10:59:13 am

Ash if you have a load of jokes then please try to fit as many as possible on just the one post

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on February 01, 2013, 10:59:47 am

^^^^ Still trying then!  :laugh:

If your telling one liners, why not just put them all in one post?

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Ash3000k on February 01, 2013, 11:02:16 am

lol, my bad!

So the posts here dont count?  :jumping: :sad1:

25 posts is hard work in 1 day, I dont even have that many conversations with the mrs in a week! lol   :jumpmove:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on February 01, 2013, 11:04:12 am

This WHOLE section is called "Random Chat" and ANY post in any thread inside it doesn't count towards your post count.  :happy2:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Mindyloula on February 01, 2013, 11:09:10 am

Just seen this on Twitter, and made me giggle so I thought I'd share  :grin: (and excuse the incorrect spelling of aisle)...

(https://www.mk5golfgti.co.uk/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdaz.co%2Fmedia%2Fff454%2FMindyloula%2FD193D165-E12A-4135-98B0-F7E63E8AEE19-505-000000C445376927.jpg&hash=151376fbdb1492e6360f3bf40b309dd5818afc1d)

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: 182_blue on February 01, 2013, 11:09:48 am

That doesn't mean you should go and spam elsewhere either, If you do I will simply remove your posts and you will be back to square one.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Ash3000k on February 01, 2013, 11:13:50 am

Quote from: 182_blue on February 01, 2013, 11:09:48 am

That doesn't mean you should go and spam elsewhere either, If you do I will simply remove your posts and you will be back to square one.

I wouldn't do such a thing! Check my posts they are all relevant!   :wink:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: 182_blue on February 01, 2013, 11:26:16 am

Quote from: Ash3000k on February 01, 2013, 11:13:50 am

Quote from: 182_blue on February 01, 2013, 11:09:48 am

That doesn't mean you should go and spam elsewhere either, If you do I will simply remove your posts and you will be back to square one.

I wouldn't do such a thing! Check my posts they are all relevant!   :wink:

I saw the three posts in one subject !, as I say keep them relevant and use as little posts as needed, the rule is there for a reason and not to be circumvented or abused.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Ash3000k on February 01, 2013, 11:52:28 am

Quote from: 182_blue on February 01, 2013, 11:26:16 am

Quote from: Ash3000k on February 01, 2013, 11:13:50 am

Quote from: 182_blue on February 01, 2013, 11:09:48 am

That doesn't mean you should go and spam elsewhere either, If you do I will simply remove your posts and you will be back to square one.

I wouldn't do such a thing! Check my posts they are all relevant!   :wink:

I saw the three posts in one subject !, as I say keep them relevant and use as little posts as needed, the rule is there for a reason and not to be circumvented or abused.

Lol, you deleted some of my posts,  I'm a mk6 owner, never had a mk5, so there isnt a great deal I can chat about  :grin:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: rich83 on February 01, 2013, 12:01:22 pm

Quote from: Ash3000k on February 01, 2013, 11:52:28 am

Quote from: 182_blue on February 01, 2013, 11:26:16 am

Quote from: Ash3000k on February 01, 2013, 11:13:50 am

Quote from: 182_blue on February 01, 2013, 11:09:48 am

That doesn't mean you should go and spam elsewhere either, If you do I will simply remove your posts and you will be back to square one.

I wouldn't do such a thing! Check my posts they are all relevant!   :wink:

I saw the three posts in one subject !, as I say keep them relevant and use as little posts as needed, the rule is there for a reason and not to be circumvented or abused.

Lol, you deleted some of my posts,  I'm a mk6 owner, never had a mk5, so there isnt a great deal I can chat about  :grin:

Yeah because the mk6 is a totally different car to the mk5  :confused: :confused:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on February 01, 2013, 12:03:20 pm

^^^^ touché!

Joke thread is actually funny today!  :popcornsoda:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Ash3000k on February 01, 2013, 12:11:10 pm

Quote from: richwig83 on February 01, 2013, 12:01:22 pm

Quote from: Ash3000k on February 01, 2013, 11:52:28 am

Quote from: 182_blue on February 01, 2013, 11:26:16 am

Quote from: Ash3000k on February 01, 2013, 11:13:50 am

Quote from: 182_blue on February 01, 2013, 11:09:48 am

That doesn't mean you should go and spam elsewhere either, If you do I will simply remove your posts and you will be back to square one.

I wouldn't do such a thing! Check my posts they are all relevant!   :wink:

I saw the three posts in one subject !, as I say keep them relevant and use as little posts as needed, the rule is there for a reason and not to be circumvented or abused.

Lol, you deleted some of my posts,  I'm a mk6 owner, never had a mk5, so there isnt a great deal I can chat about  :grin:

Yeah because the mk6 is a totally different car to the mk5  :confused: :confused:

Congratulation the mk5 and mk6 share some parts! that makes us brothers!  :drinking:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on February 01, 2013, 12:35:59 pm

Quote from: Ash3000k on February 01, 2013, 11:52:28 am

ever had a mk5, so there isnt a great deal I can chat about  :grin:

There are quite a few people on here who don't have a MK5. That doesn't seem to bother them and yet they still manage to post useful/interesting posts rather than spamming the fudge out of this place. This forum is primarily for people to talk about their cars. It's not a trading site or a shop.

No reason why you can't post jokes, but one liners are different - they could easily be contained in one post.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Ash3000k on February 01, 2013, 12:40:46 pm

Quote from: stealthwolf on February 01, 2013, 12:35:59 pm

Quote from: Ash3000k on February 01, 2013, 11:52:28 am

ever had a mk5, so there isnt a great deal I can chat about  :grin:

There are quite a few people on here who don't have a MK5. That doesn't seem to bother them and yet they still manage to post useful/interesting posts rather than spamming the fudge out of this place. This forum is primarily for people to talk about their cars. It's not a trading site or a shop.

No reason why you can't post jokes, but one liners are different - they could easily be contained in one post.

I wouldn't have to spam if the rules were a little more relaxed, even the fact that only certain threads count makes it more difficult to get the 25 lol,

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on February 01, 2013, 12:43:58 pm

Quote from: stealthwolf on February 01, 2013, 12:35:59 pm

This forum is primarily for people to talk about their cars. It's not a trading site or a shop.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: cmdrfire on February 01, 2013, 12:54:45 pm

Quote from: Ash3000k on February 01, 2013, 12:11:10 pm

Congratulation the mk5 and mk6 share some parts! that makes us brothers!  :drinking:

No, they're the same car mate. Mk6 was just a heavy facelift...

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Ash3000k on February 01, 2013, 01:22:26 pm

Quote from: cmdrfire on February 01, 2013, 12:54:45 pm

Quote from: Ash3000k on February 01, 2013, 12:11:10 pm

Congratulation the mk5 and mk6 share some parts! that makes us brothers!  :drinking:

No, they're the same car mate.

 :happy2:  (staying away from this topic lol)

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: ripmateyy on February 01, 2013, 09:43:10 pm

You are so annoying :fighting:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Stanipkiss on February 01, 2013, 10:40:18 pm

Quote from: MC71 on February 01, 2013, 12:03:20 pm

^^^^ touché!

Joke thread is actually funny today!  :popcornsoda:

+1

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: sam2kk8 on February 02, 2013, 01:58:37 pm

 :signLOL:

Quote from: stealthwolf on July 18, 2009, 08:22:56 pm

At the height of the arms race, the Western World and Russians realised that, if they continued, they would someday end up destroying the world. So they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with a dogfight.

The negotiators agreed that each country would take five years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its country the right to rule the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest, meanest Dobermen and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian Wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy from each litter, killed all the other puppies and fed the lone dog all of the milk. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine, until, after the five years were up, they had a dog that needed iron prison bars on his cage. Only the trainers could handle this beast.

When the day of the big fight arrived, the British showed up with a strange animal: It was a nine-foot-long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for us. No one else thought this weird animal stood a chance against the growling beast in the Russian camp. The bookies predicted the Russians would win in less than a minute.

The cages were opened. The Dachshund waddled toward the centre of the ring. The Russian dog leapt from his cage and charged the giant sausage-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Brits dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Russian beast in one bite. There was nothing left but a small bit of fur from the killer dog's tail.

The Russians approached the British trainers, shaking their heads in disbelief. "We do not understand. Our top scientists and breeders worked for five years with the meanest, biggest Doberman and Rottweiler's. They developed a killing machine."

"Really?" the Brits replied. "We had our top plastic surgeons working solidly for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund...."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Kalpsn2000 on February 02, 2013, 02:24:11 pm

^^^
 :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on February 11, 2013, 10:42:53 pm

An Irish Priest was transferred to Texas.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed early on his first morning in his new west Texas parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sheriff George. How may I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Bernadette 's Catholic Church.
There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn so would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

The Sheriff, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied,
"Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we're also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Mk5 GTian on February 13, 2013, 05:45:22 am

So, the truth is out re: Pope Benedict's resignation.

He's been line up for the Aston Villa Job.

And Peter Obenwingie's just been spotted arriving at the Vatican car park.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on February 13, 2013, 03:39:06 pm

One morning, a Hell's Angel goes into a coffee bar and orders a large cappuccino. As he is about to leave, he asks the waitress for his bill.

"Two pounds sixty," she says.

The Hell's Angel produces 260 penny coins, drops them on the floor and leaves.

This happens every morning for the next few days until one morning the Hell's Angel wants to pay with a fiver. Gotcha, thinks the waitress, who has been waiting for this day to get her revenge: she drops 240 pennies onto the floor.

"Your change," she says with a smug little smile.

The Hell's Angel produces a 20 pence coin and places it on the table.

"Another large cappuccino, please."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Kalpsn2000 on February 13, 2013, 03:45:28 pm

Quote from: stealthwolf on February 13, 2013, 03:39:06 pm

One morning, a Hell's Angel goes into a coffee bar and orders a large cappuccino. As he is about to leave, he asks the waitress for his bill.

"Two pounds sixty," she says.

The Hell's Angel produces 260 penny coins, drops them on the floor and leaves.

This happens every morning for the next few days until one morning the Hell's Angel wants to pay with a fiver. Gotcha, thinks the waitress, who has been waiting for this day to get her revenge: she drops 240 pennies onto the floor.

"Your change," she says with a smug little smile.

The Hell's Angel produces a 20 pence coin and places it on the table.

"Another large cappuccino, please."

 :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: ripmateyy on February 15, 2013, 08:35:16 pm

Roses are Red, Violets are glorious. Don't try to surprise Oscar Pistorius.

Oscar Pistorius can't be the 1st man to wake up legless on Valentines Day & shoot all over his mrs face while imagining she was someone else.

What do Spurs have that Oscar Pistorius doesn't? Bale.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: simonp on February 16, 2013, 05:29:18 am

What's black and bushy and found in a schoolgirl's knickers?

Kevin Webster's moustache.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on February 16, 2013, 09:12:57 am

Why are Pirates called Pirates?






Because they ARRRR.  :rolleye:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on February 28, 2013, 09:32:56 pm

"Go and have a look at the size of the sh*t I've just done in the bathroom!" I said to my wife.

"No thanks," she replied.

"Please, just one quick look," I said, "You won't believe it, it's a good two pounder."

Shaking her head in disbelief, she pinched her nose, ran in, looked down the toilet, then ran out and said, "There's nothing down there, you must've flushed it."

I said, "It's on the scales."

 :laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on February 28, 2013, 09:51:25 pm

 :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Kalpsn2000 on February 28, 2013, 10:42:05 pm

Quote from: monte on February 28, 2013, 09:32:56 pm

"Go and have a look at the size of the sh*t I've just done in the bathroom!" I said to my wife.

"No thanks," she replied.

"Please, just one quick look," I said, "You won't believe it, it's a good two pounder."

Shaking her head in disbelief, she pinched her nose, ran in, looked down the toilet, then ran out and said, "There's nothing down there, you must've flushed it."

I said, "It's on the scales."

 :laugh:

 :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Kalpsn2000 on February 28, 2013, 10:47:40 pm

Vids allowed? Well just had to:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Mk5 GTian on March 01, 2013, 07:16:22 am

Quote from: monte on February 16, 2013, 09:12:57 am

Why are Pirates called Pirates?






Because they ARRRR.  :rolleye:

Ha!  :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on March 15, 2013, 08:54:17 pm

ROMANCE at its best

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text..............

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send
me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking,
send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. love you."



He replied.......”I am taking a sh*t. Please advise.”

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on March 15, 2013, 08:54:39 pm

A man invites his mate back home for dinner.

His wife screams at him, "I've not done my hair, not done my make-up, not
done any housework, not done the dishes & can't be bothered with cooking!
What the f*ck did you invite him round for?"

"'Cos he's thinking of getting married."



Oooh! Nasty!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Kalpsn2000 on March 15, 2013, 09:32:45 pm

^^^
Both are great :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on April 05, 2013, 11:22:14 am

This could well be a repost but.....

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"

"Feels great," he replied, "but I still think my thumb's broken!"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Kalpsn2000 on April 05, 2013, 03:57:39 pm

^^^
I've heard that one before but still  :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Top Cat on April 05, 2013, 11:39:56 pm

Logic of a beer drinker...



DIALOGUE BETWEEN A LADY INTERVIEWER WITH A MALE BEER DRINKER:



Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?


Man: Yes.


Lady Interviewer: How much a day?


Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.


Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?


Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.


Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?


Man: 15 years.


Lady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00, and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month. In one year, you would then be spending $10,800, correct?


Man: Correct.


Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000; correct?


Man: Correct.


Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?


Man: Do you drink?


Lady Interviewer: No.


Man: So where's your [Censored] in' Ferrari?

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Kalpsn2000 on April 06, 2013, 12:50:36 pm

^^^
 :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on April 06, 2013, 05:53:22 pm

Supposedly a true story from (where else) America.....


Two high school sweethearts were dating for four years in school, both were virgins and they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other at 16. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the boy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the young man would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she was seeing other boys. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. She became annoyed, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did is this.....

She took some Polaroid pictures of herself carrying out oral sex on various boyfriends she had met since moving away and sent them to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found some new boyfriends, now f*ck off and leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but more so, really p*ssed off and angry.

So, what he did next was great......

He wrote on the back of the photos the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, sucking as much c*ck as possible, please send more money, its needed!" and then he mailed the pictures to her parents.

 :laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on April 06, 2013, 05:55:25 pm

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his  erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities....."Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on April 06, 2013, 05:59:57 pm

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the country.

She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone.

Well these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking so they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over and the second country boy starts licking his butt.

 The women watches these two go at it and is grossed out. She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.

The country boy pulls his overalls back up and says to the other, "You're right Leroy, that hind-lick maneuver works like a charm."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on April 06, 2013, 06:02:40 pm

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, ''You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?''

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. ''One day,'' he begins, ''I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.''

''No sh*t?'' says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

''Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'''

''Keep going!''

I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, ''You now have three wishes.''

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ''I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.'' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, ''What will be your second wish?''

''What next?'' begged the bartender.

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ''I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.'' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!

Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ''You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?''

I looked at her and replied, ''How 'bout a little head?''

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on April 06, 2013, 06:07:16 pm

Last one.....


A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt". Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful butt. He looks and says, "You do have a beautiful butt". She then tells the man she wants Beautiful butt tattooed on her ass. The man tells her "I can't fit that on your ass, it takes up too much space. But I tell you what, I will tattoo the letters B and B, one on each cheek and that can stand for beautiful butt. She agrees and gets it done.

On the man's birthday she hears him come home and is only wearing a robe. She then stands at the top of the stairs. He opens the door and she says "look honey." She then takes off the robe she is wearing, bends over, and the man yells "WHO THE F*CK IS BOB?"!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on April 06, 2013, 07:13:24 pm

 :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on April 12, 2013, 08:17:27 pm

Hopefully not a repost, tis an old one.....

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the world famous French fighter pilot! When I kiss the lips of a beautiful women, I do it with red wine!"

When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Champagne and pours it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre world famous French fighter pilot! When I kiss the breasts of a beautiful women, I do it with Champagne!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero removes Marie's knickers, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap, strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, what in the hell do you think you're doing?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

 :laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on April 18, 2013, 09:17:39 pm

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you 'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling her nipples she began to lose patience and said.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, “Yesterday."

***********

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Great legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Kalpsn2000 on April 18, 2013, 09:55:13 pm

 :signLOL:

Might be a repost but here are couple:

A drunk walks into a bar, orders a shot and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt. "Wha' my gonna do now? My wifez gonna kill me."

"Relax," the bartender says, "give me a five-dollar bill." The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy's shirt pocket. "Tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned."

"Thass a great idea!"

When the drunk gets home his wife answers the door. "Where have you been? What happened to your shirt?"

He tries to put on a sober voice and says, "Relaaax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me five bucks to have my shirt cleaned."

The drunk's wife reaches in his pocket, grabs the money, and says, "There's $10 in here!"

"Oh yeah, he sh*t my pants, too."

***********

A Native American walks into a bar with a cat, a bag of sh*t and a shotgun. He asks for a bottle of whiskey and immediately downs it. He throws the bag of sh*t up in the air, shoots it with his shotgun, and takes a big bite of the cat's ass.

The bartender asks, "Buddy, what the hell are you doing?"

The Native American responds, "I want to be like the white man: get drunk, shoot the sh*t and eat pussy."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: simonp on April 18, 2013, 11:38:51 pm

I told the wife, 'I have just got a new job having sex live on stage in a swingers club'

She said, 'Are you having me on?'

I replied, 'I'll ask, but so far they've all been slim & pretty!'

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Eccie on April 19, 2013, 12:34:50 pm

 :congrats: I nearly spat my coffee over my ipad

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: simonp on April 19, 2013, 02:04:05 pm

A woman is standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off.
A passing tramp stops & says, "Since you're about to kill yourself, if you don't mind, could we have sex, please?"
The woman says, "No, go away!"
The tramp turns to leave & mutters, "Fine, I'll just go & wait at the bottom."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: pitsirikas on April 27, 2013, 10:15:26 am

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: simonp on May 07, 2013, 04:40:41 pm

A man goes to confession after a 16 year absence. As he sits in the booth, he looks around and says to the the priest, "Confessions have really changed Father. I don't remember a leather chair, Guinness on tap and gay porn mags being in the booth before?" The priest replied, "That's my feckin' seat, swap sides!"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Loooda on May 09, 2013, 12:50:52 pm

haha :) this has just entertained my office for a good while!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on May 12, 2013, 04:02:01 pm

Took the missus out for a romantic meal last night.  :party:

We played footsie under the table while we were eating.  :ashamed:


I had a lovely steak and she got toed in the hole.  :evilgrin:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on May 12, 2013, 05:35:05 pm

 :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on June 19, 2013, 11:03:48 pm

Made me lol: https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7579798272/h107EA079/

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: vRS Carl on June 20, 2013, 12:15:44 pm

Quote from: stealthwolf on June 19, 2013, 11:03:48 pm

Made me lol: https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7579798272/h107EA079/

 :grin: :grin: :congrats:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on July 17, 2013, 08:21:24 am

What deep thinkers men are...

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so  I sat down and had a cold beer.The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the bollocks?

Women always maintain that giving birth is far more painful than a bloke getting kicked in the bollocks.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the bollocks is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a bloke say, "You know, I think I'd like another kick in the bollocks."

I rest my case. Time for another beer.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Top Cat on July 17, 2013, 09:07:05 am

Have you just made that up yourself, it's crap.  :grin:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on July 17, 2013, 11:31:07 am

(https://www.mk5golfgti.co.uk/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmodologyworld.net%2Fsteph%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2011%2F02%2Fihasamega128627047974349078.jpg&hash=e8c8a05b9e46ce469bdecd9cd4d1e8f71f1c23cc)

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Top Cat on July 17, 2013, 12:27:30 pm

I bought the wife a fridge for her birthday, I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Top Cat on July 17, 2013, 12:28:34 pm

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London !"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Top Cat on July 17, 2013, 12:32:15 pm

Little Billy is walking down the road dragging his flattened frog on a piece of string behind him.

He walks up to the local brothel and taps the door, when the madam answers, he says,
“I want to have sex with your dirtiest girl who has lots of diseases; I have £500 to spend”.

The madam’s eyes light up and she says,
“That’ll be me then, but why do you want a disease?”

Little Billy says,
“Tonight, after Mum and Dad leave, my babysitter will shag me because she likes cute little boys. Later when Dad runs her home he’ll shag her in the lay-by. When he comes home and goes to bed, Mum will want a good seeing to and tomorrow when Dad goes off to work, Mum will shag the milkman………

And he’s the [Censored] who ran my frog over!”

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: vRS Carl on July 17, 2013, 01:25:02 pm

Quote from: Top Cat on July 17, 2013, 12:32:15 pm

Little Billy is walking down the road dragging his flattened frog on a piece of string behind him.

He walks up to the local brothel and taps the door, when the madam answers, he says,
“I want to have sex with your dirtiest girl who has lots of diseases; I have £500 to spend”.

The madam’s eyes light up and she says,
“That’ll be me then, but why do you want a disease?”

Little Billy says,
“Tonight, after Mum and Dad leave, my babysitter will shag me because she likes cute little boys. Later when Dad runs her home he’ll shag her in the lay-by. When he comes home and goes to bed, Mum will want a good seeing to and tomorrow when Dad goes off to work, Mum will shag the milkman………

And he’s the [Censored] who ran my frog over!”

 :grin: :grin:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Kalpsn2000 on July 17, 2013, 02:39:29 pm

Quote from: Top Cat on July 17, 2013, 12:32:15 pm

Little Billy is walking down the road dragging his flattened frog on a piece of string behind him.

He walks up to the local brothel and taps the door, when the madam answers, he says,
“I want to have sex with your dirtiest girl who has lots of diseases; I have £500 to spend”.

The madam’s eyes light up and she says,
“That’ll be me then, but why do you want a disease?”

Little Billy says,
“Tonight, after Mum and Dad leave, my babysitter will shag me because she likes cute little boys. Later when Dad runs her home he’ll shag her in the lay-by. When he comes home and goes to bed, Mum will want a good seeing to and tomorrow when Dad goes off to work, Mum will shag the milkman………

And he’s the [Censored] who ran my frog over!”

 :signLOL: :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on July 19, 2013, 05:07:47 am

Just took the Mrs to the doctors to sort out her tourettes... Turns out she doesn't have it....
I am a c*^t and she does want me to f%#k off..

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on July 19, 2013, 11:51:41 am

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little
perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud,'I wonder what happened to this parrot?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way.I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'

'I got every word,' says the parrot.'I happen to be a highly intelligent,
and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.
'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing,but since you asked,I
wrap my weenie around this wooden bar,like a little hook.You can't see it,
because of my feathers.'

'Wow,'says the guy.'You really can understand and can speak English, can't
you?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports,
physics, philosophy.I'm especially good at ornithology.You really ought to
buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the 200 quid price tag.

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is nobody wants
me, because I don't have any feet.You can probably get me for
20
quid. Just make the guy an offer.'

The guy offers 20 pounds and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.The parrot is sensational.He has a great sense of humour, he's
interesting,he's a great pal,he understands everything, he sympathizes,and
he's insightful.The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,'
and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife,
and the postman.'

'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.

'When he delivered a package today,your wife greeted him at the door, in a
sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT?!' the guy asks incredulously.

'Then what happened?'

'Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie,and began petting
her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him?'

'Yes.Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and
began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

'Dunno? I got an erection and fell off my perch.'

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on July 26, 2013, 06:39:10 pm

I went to  the doctor's surgery the other day and found out that my new doctor  is a young female and drop-dead  gorgeous!   
   
I  was embarrassed, but she said,

"Don't worry, I'm  a Professional I've seen it all  before Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out."

I said,

"My wife thinks my dick tastes funny."
 

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on July 26, 2013, 06:47:20 pm

^^^^  :notworthy:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: phil1975 on July 29, 2013, 10:20:57 am

Paddy, the  electrician, got sacked from the U.S.  prison service for not servicing the electric  chair..
He said in his professional  opinion it was a death trap!!! :laugh:


apologies couldn't wait till Friday.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Kalpsn2000 on July 30, 2013, 02:13:19 pm

Quote from: monte on July 26, 2013, 06:39:10 pm

I went to  the doctor's surgery the other day and found out that my new doctor  is a young female and drop-dead  gorgeous!   
   
I  was embarrassed, but she said,

"Don't worry, I'm  a Professional I've seen it all  before Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out."

I said,

"My wife thinks my dick tastes funny."
 

 :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on July 31, 2013, 09:46:01 pm

I know it's early but it did make me laugh so here goes:-

In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as:

"I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i"

rather than

"I've just buggered a 14 year old escort"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Kalpsn2000 on August 01, 2013, 11:27:41 am

Quote from: doylebros on July 31, 2013, 09:46:01 pm

I know it's early but it did make me laugh so here goes:-

In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as:

"I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i"

rather than

"I've just buggered a 14 year old escort"

Heard that one before but still funny :happy2:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on August 01, 2013, 05:35:51 pm

Then this made me chuckle today when fighting with an injet printer:-

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex!

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on August 10, 2013, 08:39:45 pm

An elderly gent took two stuffed dogs he had left to him in a will to a filming of Antiques Roadshow.   
"Ooh!" said the presenter. "This is a rare pair, produced by the Johns Brothers taxidermists, who operated in London in the last 1800's.  Do you have any idea of what they would fetch if in good condition?"
 
"Yes" said the gent "Sticks".

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on August 22, 2013, 10:42:28 pm

IDIOT SIGHTING No.1

My daughter and I went to the McDonald's check-out to pay our bill and I gave the clerk a £5 note. 

Our total bill was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece.

She said, 'You gave me too much money.'

I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'

She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request. 

I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but we do not do that kind of thing.'

The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.


Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald's in  St Albans , Hertfordshire.!!


IDIOT SIGHTING No2

We had to have the garage door repaired The GARADOR repairman told us

that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' 

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two..'

We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Moor Park , near Watford .



IDIOT SIGHTING No3

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the

Highways Department to request the removal of the 'DEER CROSSING' sign

from our road.

The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road! I don't

think this is a good place for them to be crossing, any-more.'


Story from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire.



IDIOT SIGHTING No 4

My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' 

He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce.


>From South Oxhey , Hertfordshire.



IDIOT SIGHTING No 5

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 

'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' 

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' 

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'



Happened at Luton Airport



IDIOT SIGHTING No 6

The traffic light on the corner buzzes when the lights turn red and it is safe to cross the road.

I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine

She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. 

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a Local County Council employee in  St Albans , Hertfordshire. (And she's NOT blonde)


IDIOT SIGHTING No7

When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car, 

we were told the keys had been locked in it. 

We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the Driver's door. 

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door-handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 

'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'its open!'

His reply: 'I know. I already did that side.' 

This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans , Hertfordshire.





STAY ALERT! They walk among us AND THEY BREED!              
  
                                                         

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Kalpsn2000 on August 23, 2013, 03:12:37 pm

^^^
 :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: bigeyd on August 23, 2013, 06:37:37 pm

Nassar Hussein and Vladimir Putin have never been seen in the same room

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: simonp on August 23, 2013, 06:45:43 pm

David Beckham gets into a cab. Cabbie moves off, looking in the mirror at him constantly. After about 5 minutes he says to Beckham: "OK mate, give me a clue?"

"I had a glittering career at Man Utd and Real Madrid, played in America,  captained the England side and married a Spice Girl."

"No, you twat, where are you going?"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on August 24, 2013, 11:56:19 am

A family are having a nice meal at the dining table when one son says

"Dad I have to tell you something....I'm gay.”

Dad is just speechless and looks horrified, when all of a sudden his other son says,

“Me too dad, sorry”

Dad stands up and shouts!!!

“doesn't anyone in this family like pussy?”

His daughter raises her arm and says...

 “I do…”

 :laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Mk5 GTian on August 24, 2013, 01:15:09 pm

Quote from: voorhees on August 23, 2013, 06:37:37 pm

Nassar Hussein and Vladimir Putin have never been seen in the same room

Nassar Hussain and Mr Burns off the Simpsons have never been seen in the same room  :grin:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Kalpsn2000 on August 26, 2013, 10:15:43 am

Quote from: monte on August 24, 2013, 11:56:19 am

A family are having a nice meal at the dining table when one son says

"Dad I have to tell you something....I'm gay.”

Dad is just speechless and looks horrified, when all of a sudden his other son says,

“Me too dad, sorry”

Dad stands up and shouts!!!

“doesn't anyone in this family like pussy?”

His daughter raises her arm and says...

 “I do…”

 :laugh:

Heard that one before but still great :happy2: :grin:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on August 28, 2013, 07:14:28 pm

Made me laugh today:-

Just got back from a mate's funeral who drowned while on a sailing holiday.

We all chipped in and got him a wreath in the shape of a life jacket, as we knew that's what he would've wanted.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: rich83 on September 01, 2013, 09:04:50 am

Did you hear about the scarecrow who won a Nobel peace prize??

He was outstandung in his field!!

(https://www.mk5golfgti.co.uk/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fforums.evo-web.co.uk%2Fimages%2Fsmilies%2Fgetmecoat.gif&hash=5ef73e2f42cb7933356b76d7cdbcb25153561009)

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: simonp on September 01, 2013, 07:55:22 pm

Grey walls, bars, bunk beds, big fella with a hard-on...

Can you tell what is yet, Rolf?

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on September 01, 2013, 08:39:36 pm

I picked up my wife and her 3 mates after they had come from weight watchers, I muttered 'fat cows', she said 'what was that?', I said 'you herd'....

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on September 05, 2013, 10:13:11 pm

Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 capsules at me.

Luckily, I only received super fish oil injuries.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on September 05, 2013, 10:13:32 pm

A blonde woman goes to the doctors.
"What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.
"Something is terribly wrong. I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."

The Doctor had a look, and replies "Those aren't postage stamps."














"They're the stickers off the bananas."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on September 05, 2013, 10:14:13 pm

Another blonde goes to the STD clinic complying of something "down below"..

The venereolologist's tut-tutting as he examines her gets her seriously worried.

"What is it Doctor?"

"Nothing too serious, just some little pappilomas..."

"Little WHAT?"

"Nowon't get alarmed, quite commonplav, you might say it's almost an occupational hazard..."

"Whatever do you mean?"

"Well, you know how Rugby players get cauliflower ears?"

"Ye-es, so?"

"Well you've got brothel sprouts."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: cuprajake on September 06, 2013, 07:26:27 am

Lol some crackers on here

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on September 06, 2013, 01:22:34 pm

Teacher asks the kids in class,

"What do you want to be when you grow up?

"Billy says, "I wanna be a billionaire, have a beautiful bitch on my arm, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel the world, a 200 ft yacht, an infinite visa card and I wanna screw her 3 times a day...

"The teacher, in shock, ignores the boy and turns to little Nancy and asks,

" What about you dear?"

"I wanna be Billy's bitch!"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on September 06, 2013, 01:27:29 pm

My mate is trying to set up a helpline for men that are addicted to masturbating.....I hope he pulls it off!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on September 12, 2013, 10:15:41 pm

Male Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, Will you marry me? The Princess said, No!!! And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big-titted women and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whisky, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and layed in bed allSunday morning and kept his house and guns and collected old bottles ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frikin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up. The end

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on September 12, 2013, 10:29:29 pm

Q: How can you tell which is the head nurse?

A: The one with the dirty knees.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on September 12, 2013, 10:37:17 pm

Quote from: MC71 on September 12, 2013, 10:29:29 pm

Q: How can you tell which is the head nurse?

A: The one with the dirty knees.

Good start for the early morning crack.   :happy2:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Marc-5-GTI on September 12, 2013, 10:49:40 pm

So Kerry Katona is pregnant.

She was asked "Do you know what sex it will be?"

"Probably just anal for the next 9 months" she replied.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on September 12, 2013, 10:52:16 pm

The rescue team finds the crashed airplane.

The lone survivor is chewing on a bone, with a huge pile of human bones next to him, and the rescuers are shocked.

He says, "You can't judge me for this. I had to survive."

The leader of the rescue team says, "But Jesus Christ, man... your plane only went down yesterday."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on September 20, 2013, 10:27:29 am

One day during a game on the golf course I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer who lives in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, “Are you okay?"

"I’m fine thanks," I replied.  “My name’s Jack,” I said and introduced myself.
 
"Jack, forget your troubles.  Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later,” she suggested.
 
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered “but I don't think my wife would like it."
 
"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.  She was very pretty and very persuasive.
 
"Well okay," I finally agreed and added "but my wife won't like it."

After a restorative brandy, she insisted that I remove my clothes so she could give me a massage. Afterwards, I thanked my hostess for the exhilarating session I had with her.
 
"I feel a lot better now but I know my wife is going to be really upset."
"Don't be silly!” Elizabeth replied with a smile, “She won't know a thing.  Where is she, anyway?"

"Under the cart!" I said...

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on September 20, 2013, 09:47:00 pm

My girlfriend said to me last night....

"if you turn the bed side lamp off, I'll take it up the arse"

with hindsight I should have waited for the bulb to cool down  :ashamed:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on September 20, 2013, 09:49:03 pm

(https://www.mk5golfgti.co.uk/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi3.glitter-graphics.org%2Fpub%2F2137%2F2137273brrsuxzy30.jpg&hash=fab837b261387eb4c616779691e314c17803696f)

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on September 21, 2013, 07:00:53 pm

I was in bed with my little Japanese girlfriend last night and just happened to remark her fanny was getting a bit baggy.

She told me that I was always clittysizing....@

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on September 24, 2013, 10:15:03 pm

I think this might even be a repost but what the hell.

Political correctness defined

"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority
and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds
forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on September 24, 2013, 10:33:24 pm

Contemporary Philosophers

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn
*****
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu
*****
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman
*****
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. dammit, I'm a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes
*****
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb
*****
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind
*****
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr
*****
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
*****
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
~ Jeff Foxworthy
*****
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip
*****
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.
*****
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford
*****
The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan
*****
Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall
*****
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.
*****
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
*****
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ WH Auden
*****
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Jonathan Katz
*****
If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson
*****
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
~ Arthur C Clarke
*****
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin
*****
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante
*****
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell
*****
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts
*****
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport
~ Jonathan Winters
*****
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
~ Robert Benchley

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on September 24, 2013, 10:34:01 pm

Fifty Sheds Of Grey


We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall...
But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was
The only place for a good shed.


She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."
So I took her to McDonalds.


She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then
Harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.


Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.


"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."


"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be
punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.


"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"
"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.


"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the
Receipt.


"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."


"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.


"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.


"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently
massaging my back as we listened to her Eartha Kit CD.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on September 25, 2013, 06:03:30 pm

Psychology vs Law


A man is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asks a girl: "Do you mind if I sit at this table?" 

The girl replied in a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"All the students in the library started staring at the man; he was really embarrassed and moved to another table. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man’s table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I expect you felt embarrassed, right?"

The man responded in a loud voice: "₤500 FOR ONE NIGHT? You must be mad!" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.The man whispered to her:"I study law, and I know how to screw people."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on October 02, 2013, 10:43:20 pm

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip  to Rome with her husband.. 

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who  responded: " Rome?  Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.  You're crazy to go to Rome.  So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply.  "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser.  "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.  So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further.  I know that place.  Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser.  "You and a million other people trying to see him.  He'll look the size of an ant.  Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.  You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.  The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman,  "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes,  but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class.  The food and wine were wonderful,  and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and  foot..   And the hotel was great!  They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a  jewel,  the finest hotel in the city.  They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser,  "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the  Pope." 

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.  Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!  I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

"Oh, really!  What'd he say?" 


He said: "Who f*cked up your hair?"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on October 04, 2013, 03:01:46 pm

glass of wine

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine and those who don't and are always
seen with a bottle of water in their hand:

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 litre of water each day,
at the end of the year we would have absorbed
more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria
found in faeces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop annually.

However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or rum, whiskey or other liquor)
because alcohol has to go through a purification process
of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of Sh*t.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service.
 
 

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on October 04, 2013, 11:52:31 pm

My dad worked on the roadwork’s for twenty years before he
got fired for stealing!
At first I didn't believe it.... but when I got home all the signs were there.

xxxxxxxxxx

I'm fed up with the excuses women come out with to avoid
having sex, like;
"I'm tired, I'm washing my hair, I've got a headache, I'm your sister...

xxxxxxxx

A recent survey reported that three quarters of men don't
know how to turn on the dish washer.
I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering
usually does the trick.

xxxxxxxxx

My girlfriend says that a small penis won’t affect our
relationship.
Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't have
one at all!

xxxxxxxxxx

A woman is walking down the street and see's a sign in the
pet shop window reading, "FANNY LICKING FROG £25". Curious, the woman proceeds inside and says to the
shop keeper, "I'd like to see the fanny licking frog please."
The shop keeper replies, " Mais oui madame, bonjour!"

xxxxxxxxxx

My son asked me today "What's the difference between a
crow and a blackbird?" I told him, "Crows have somewhat heavier
beaks, fan shaped tails and live on insects. A blackbird has big rubbery lips,
a fat arse and lives on benefits."

xxxxxxxxxx

Everyone's a comedian nowadays.
Even the paramedic who was unable to resuscitate Whitney
couldn't avoid a gag!
When he radioed dispatch and said "It's Houston , we have a problem!"

xxxxxxxxxxx

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on October 05, 2013, 06:38:58 pm

A young Geordie woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia, the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on every night he’d bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of White Ferry."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on October 08, 2013, 06:52:06 pm

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch," he said. "How much will you charge me ..... ?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50 .... ?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint, brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house .... ?"

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it ..... ?" he responded.

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those Dumb blonde jokes."

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already ..... ??" the startled husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.
"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's an Audi."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on October 08, 2013, 10:43:20 pm

A woman was standing before the bedroom mirror, admiring herself in her new outfit before going out. She posed this way and that before her husband, who looked on with dis-interest, then remarked,
'Your arse is the size of a 3-burner BBQ!'
Later that evening, tucked up and cosy in bed he lent over, tapped her
On the shoulder, and said, 'How about it'?
She replied 'No thanks, It's not worth lighting the whole BBQ for half a sausage!'

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on October 09, 2013, 02:50:04 pm

The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy ?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found ? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
 
"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

 

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation .....she never got your E-mail!"

 

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on October 10, 2013, 05:58:52 pm

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep sh*t now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,


"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.


"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says ......


"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...


Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull sh*t and brilliance only come with age and experience.

 
 

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: simonp on October 10, 2013, 06:12:47 pm

Squirrel!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on October 10, 2013, 09:31:12 pm

A man starts a new job at the zoo and is given 3 tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moved on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South African bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to the other lions and says

'What's the food like here?'

The lions say:

'Absolutely brilliant......



Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees.'

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on October 16, 2013, 10:45:58 pm

86-year old lady's letter to bank...
 
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
 
Dear Sir:

 
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month..
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to  honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight  years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for  the inconvenience caused to your bank.  My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has  caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

 
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the  impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

 
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no  longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must  nominate.
 
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any otherperson to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application  Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much  about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be  accompanied by documented proof. In due
course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access  my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

 
Let me level the playing field even further.
 
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later  date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier .
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for  the duration of the call..

 
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I  wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

 
Your Humble Client

 
(Remember: This was written by an  86 year old woman) 'YA JUST GOTTA LOVE ' US SENIORS' !!!!!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: WolverineMAc on October 21, 2013, 09:39:36 am

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and Needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz.

The car is parked on th...e street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Finally... a smart blonde joke.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on October 21, 2013, 07:34:40 pm

Few quickies!


Since the snow came all my wife has done is look through the window.                                              
If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
Nothing.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they
tested positive for WD40.

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's
Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.

ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another
Thai Brothel!!!

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they
can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut..

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, "Forget the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"!

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look
horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans
over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you
think I should do?'  He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: vRS Carl on October 22, 2013, 12:15:03 pm

This made me chuckle today.

David Cameron was visiting a primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked David if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So, Britain's illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'

'Incorrect,' said David. 'That would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not', explained David, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. David searched the room.

'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said: 'If a plane carrying you and Nick Clegg was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic' exclaimed David, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on October 22, 2013, 01:53:16 pm

Very good for the one above :happy2:

 My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you barstewards!"  "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on October 28, 2013, 07:48:10 am

Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London .
Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.

The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair".

Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of those and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune.
Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking
'cause if they hear our accents, they might think we're thicko's from Ireland and try to screw us. I'll put on me best English accent."

"Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da business" said Mick.
They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load 'em on, so I will."

The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland , aren't you?"

"Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"

The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners."
 
 
 
 

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on November 01, 2013, 09:00:33 am

Little kid catches his mom and dad having sex.  He says, "What are you doing?"

His father says, "We are making you a little brother."

The boy answers, "Why don't you do it doggy style, and make me a puppy!"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: vRS Carl on November 06, 2013, 07:05:44 pm

A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop. While looking around, he notices a drop-dead gorgeous female sales assistant behind the counter. He walks up to the counter where she's standing, unzips his fly, and places his dick on the counter.

"What are you doing, sir?" she asks. "This is a clock shop!"

"I know it is," he replies. "And i'd like two hands and a face put on THIS!"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on November 10, 2013, 07:33:46 pm

A woman walks in to a gynaecologist's office. He looks at her and all of
his professionalism goes out the window cuz she is smokin hot..

He asks her to undress and he then proceeds to touch her up on the inside
of her legs. 'do you know what I'm doing?' he asks her.

'Yes your checking for any broken or damaged skin.'

'yes' he replies. he then begins to fondle her tits,

'do you know what I'm doing now?' he asks her.

'yes, your checking for any lumps that could be cancerous.'

'yes' he replied.

Then he mounts her and starts to have sex with her, 'do you know what I'm
doing now?' he asks her.

'yeh, your getting herpes, which is why I came to see you!'

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: rich83 on November 10, 2013, 08:30:59 pm

A couple walk into a pub. "A whiskey and a brandy for the wife please".     The barman says "You both look terrible... is everything ok?".      The guys says... "no, not really... we've just been burgled".      "Oh no" says the barman "did they take much". "They took all our DVDs.... our TV.... loads of CDs and computer games". "Thats awful" says the barman.     "Thats not the worst of it" says the man "The wife had made a lovely corn beef hash".     The barman says "... did they steal that too?". "No" the man says "The dirty barstewards too a sh*t in it..... we had to throw half of it away"

 :notworthy:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on November 10, 2013, 08:57:25 pm

 :laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on November 11, 2013, 06:34:04 pm

"Smithers my Goodman"

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding
Officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic,
Cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "
You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the
strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to
meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a
particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the
regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three
expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in
equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the
Olympics. I have researched the history of..."

Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers,
the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the
witch doctor to get f*cked."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on November 13, 2013, 10:56:32 pm

"Hi, I'm Jane" she said
"I'm Christopher," he replied "but everyone calls me Dick for short"
"How do you get Dick from Christopher?" she asked
"You just ask nicely" he replied.

 
A woman asked a pharmacist, "Do you sell Viagra?"
"Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes, it certainly does" he answered.
She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"
"I can, if I take two," he replied.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on November 13, 2013, 10:57:09 pm

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. "

2nd Hillbilly says: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly says: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of   them new fangled warshin ' machines!"

1st Hillbilly says: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly says: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd Hillbilly says: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer
wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer
some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: "Well, what's so dumb about that?"

3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain't got no dick"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on November 14, 2013, 09:37:01 pm

^^^^^^ :grin: :grin: :grin:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on November 14, 2013, 09:43:04 pm

 
* I was sitting watching the rugby when the wife came into the lounge and says
"Fancy a shag Babe?"
I said, "After the game love"
She said, "You do realise you can record it?"
I said, "Nice - you get the camcorder and I'll come upstairs when the game finishes".




* My wife asked me how many women I've shagged.
I said, 'I really dont want to answer that love, you know I've had a past and I don't want to upset you'
'C'mon' she said, 'I can handle it!'
So I had to sit there and count them all.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, you, 10, 11, 12,13, 14, 15




* My Wife asked me to go to the Doctors about my Erection problem.
She wasn't pleased when I came back and gave her some Slimming Pills.





* A man donates blood to his wife after she is badly hurt in a car crash.
A few years later they go through a bitter divorce and he demands his blood back!
So she throws a tampon in his face and says "there you go you miserable git, I'll pay you back monthly!"
And the moral of this story is: - Even if a woman eventually pays back what she owes a man, there'll   ALWAYS be strings attached!.





* I was at a wedding reception when the DJ announced
All the married men out there - go and stand by the person who makes your life worth living'.
The barman was crushed to death.
 



* My missus asked me to help her stop sucking her thumb, so I drew a cock on it.

 


* I reported a dead woman lying in a field to the police. They asked me:
'How did you find her body?'
I said, 'Her tits were ok, but the rigormortis had tightened her arse a bit too much for my liking'





* My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting ready to go out when finally the door swung open and she said,
"Honestly, do I look fat in this"?
I replied, Yes love, but to be fair, it's only a small bathroom".
 
 
 
 


* Fat wife limps into the kitchen and says Didnt you hear me fall down the stairs?
Husband says Sorry love, I thought it was the start of eastenders!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on November 14, 2013, 10:12:49 pm

 A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born:

"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son."

 The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said:

 "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy ...not a fu*king
 photo-copier."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: simonp on November 15, 2013, 11:01:17 am

I'm selling my entire John Lennon collection on eBay. Imagine all the PayPal!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on November 15, 2013, 04:57:46 pm

Quote from: simonp on November 15, 2013, 11:01:17 am

I'm selling my entire John Lennon collection on eBay. Imagine all the PayPal!

Did you make that up or was it from the Edinburgh fringe festival worst joke! :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on November 15, 2013, 06:10:24 pm

One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his usual
route,  delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars  were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner,  coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling  bin.
'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.

David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since
4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I.'

The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'

The postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded. 'Your name came up 7 times.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on November 15, 2013, 06:15:03 pm

A woman wakes up after a vaginal tuck, to find three bunches of flowers on her window sill..

One from her surgeon, to say all went well,

One from her husband, "get well soon", and he loved her,

One from Tommy in the burns unit, to say "Thank you for the new ears"!!

 :laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on November 15, 2013, 06:16:25 pm

Paramedics attend a nasty accident, involving a sports car,

When they see the driver, screaming in pain, they tell him to calm down, as at least he wasnt flung thro the windscrean like his girlfriend.

He screams back..

"Have you seen whats in her f**k**g mouth"??

 :grin:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on November 22, 2013, 02:46:26 pm

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them. They could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
 Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'
...Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whiskey.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out..
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said, 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on November 22, 2013, 06:49:25 pm

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, “Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”
“No,” said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
 
She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?”

“Uh… no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties… and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?”
 
“No way!” he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied…………
 
“Go look in the garage.”

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on November 22, 2013, 06:52:20 pm

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.

"O K Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the midwife.

"No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm not attached; I'll be having my baby on my own"

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman,

"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must tell you before you see her that the baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."

"Oh, I'm sorry," The midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."

"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,  "Thank god for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved,  "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."

Title: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: dodds-gttdi on November 22, 2013, 09:51:29 pm

Quote from: doylebros on November 22, 2013, 02:46:26 pm

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them. They could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
 Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'
...Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whiskey.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out..
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said, 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.

Pea roast!!

Quote from: stealthwolf on August 07, 2009, 10:12:51 pm

Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them. In fact, they could only raise the staggering sum of two dollars.

"Hang on, I have an idea," Murphy said.

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

"Are you crazy?" Seamus asked. "Now we don't have any money at all!"

"Don't worry," Murphy replied. "Just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson.

"Now you've lost it," Seamus said. "Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!"

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry," he said. "I have a plan."

They downed their drinks. Murphy said: "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the 10th pub, Seamus said, "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!"

"How do you think I feel?” Murphy replied. "I’m so drunk I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in."

Repost

Quote from: joesgti on September 24, 2009, 01:49:47 pm

IRISH SAUSAGES

 

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

 

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

 

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

 

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

 

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

 

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints

of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

 

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

 

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '

 

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

 

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

 

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

 

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

 

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel?

I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

I know its not Friday  :P

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on November 23, 2013, 07:49:49 pm

The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.

I told her I was looking for cheap flights.

"I love you!" she said, then she got all excited, un-zipped my trousers and gave me the most amazing blow job ever....

...which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before. :laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on November 26, 2013, 06:49:06 pm

How true is this

Sixteen Logical Reasons Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more
excited your dog is to see you.
 
 2. Dogs don't notice if you call them
by another dog's name.
 
 3. Dogs like it if you leave lots
of things on the floor.
 
4. Dogs' parents never visit.
 
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go, instantly, 24 hours a day.
 
 7. Dogs find you amusing when you're pissed.
 
 8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
 
 9. Dogs won't wake you up at night to ask: "If I died, would you get another dog?"
 
 10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and sell 'em.
 
11. When you drop a silent one, dogs don't run around frantically with room spray.

13. Dogs never tell you to stop scratching your balls. Instead, they sit pondering why you don't lick 'em.
 
14. Dogs will let you put a studded collar on, without calling you a pervert.
 
15. If a dog smells another dog on you, it won't kick you in the crotch; it just finds it interesting.
 
And last, but not least:

16. If a dog runs off and leaves you, it won't take half your stuff.
 
To verify these statements: Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour.
Then open the door, and observe who's happy to see you!
 
 

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: skriller on November 26, 2013, 08:00:19 pm

Quote from: doylebros on November 26, 2013, 06:49:06 pm

 
To verify these statements: Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour.
Then open the door, and observe who's happy to see you!
 
 

this ^^  :grin:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on November 28, 2013, 04:24:45 pm

Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face.

Spanish Computer Definition.
 
 
 
 
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining  to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either  masculine or feminine.

House' for instance, is feminine:  'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A  student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
 
 
 
 
Instead  of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and  female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a  masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for  its recommendation.

 
 
 

The men's group decided that  'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'),  because:

1. No one but their creator  understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to  communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone  else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for  possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to  one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for  it.
 
 
 
 
 
(THIS GETS  BETTER!) 
 
 
 


 
The women's group, however,  concluded that computers  should be Masculine ('el computador'),  because:

 
1. In order to do anything with  them, you have to turn  them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still  can't think for  themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve  problems,
but half the time they ARE the problem; and

 
4. As soon as you commit to one,  you realize that if you  had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a  better  model.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on November 29, 2013, 05:37:10 pm

A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.

He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever."

"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."

"OK, then, I want to die after a Labour government balances the budget and eliminates the debt."

"You crafty little b*stard," said the genie

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Top Cat on December 02, 2013, 10:28:22 pm

Opened up the second window on my advent calendar today. I wasn't expecting Tom Daily to come out.  :star:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: skriller on December 03, 2013, 05:49:38 pm

Quote from: Top Cat on December 02, 2013, 10:28:22 pm

Opened up the second window on my advent calendar today. I wasn't expecting Tom Daily to come out.  :star:

 :grin:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on December 05, 2013, 08:42:43 am

The Blind Cashier:

 A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades.

She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway......
 
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb. Test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.
 
I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
 
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
 
She bends down to pick it up and farts.
 
At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?
 
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
 
He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on December 10, 2013, 07:09:35 pm

A group of dyslexic South Africans have been seen laying flowers at the Nissan main dealers.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on December 11, 2013, 12:35:43 pm

My wifes been shopping for a fancy dress outfit. She put it on to show me... I said its the best killer whale outfit ive ever seen i said... She said im a nun you twat.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on December 13, 2013, 05:07:15 pm

MALE  VS.  FEMALELOGIC.
 
Woman: Do you drink beer?
 
Man: Yes
 
Woman: How many beers a day?
 
Man: Usually about 3
 
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
 
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
 
(This is where it gets scary !)
 
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
 
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
 
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?
 
Man: Correct
 
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
 
Man: Correct
 
Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
 
Man: Do you drink beer?
 
Woman: No
 
Man: Where’s your Ferrari?

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Scottymon on December 13, 2013, 05:10:01 pm

Shoes

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on December 17, 2013, 06:50:33 pm

 
OLDER AGE:
As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realised that at my age I don't
really give a tinker's cuss anymore.
.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while
.. A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.
Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the
ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2 My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?
7 It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.
8. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE..........? or did I get it from you?

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on December 24, 2013, 08:36:57 pm

Nearly sh*t myself this morning , opens the back door and there's this midget bloke about waist high I said who the f*ck are you?  he said " I'm the meter man.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on December 27, 2013, 01:54:27 pm

I got into an embarrassing situation at a swinger's party last night. I was doing some absolute slag from behind when I realised the person at the front end of the spit roast was my father. I said "After 30 years of marriage I cant believe you are being unfaithful to mum" He replied "I'm not".

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on December 30, 2013, 12:11:09 pm

The wife was texting me all day yesterday saying she was in casualty, I watched all 50 minutes of it last night and I didn't see her once.

She's still not home yet either & I'm getting hungry !!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on December 31, 2013, 06:32:33 pm

Michael Schumacher's management team are adamant that he will race again.

Although it might be against Stephen Hawking.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: bigeyd on December 31, 2013, 07:00:39 pm

Quote from: doylebros on December 31, 2013, 06:32:33 pm

Michael Schumacher's management team are adamant that he will race again.

Although it might be against Stephen Hawking.

Way too soon

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Scottymon on December 31, 2013, 08:11:56 pm

.

Even Clarkson is at it.

TBF, I think Jokes can be tolerated when a person's condition is finalized; whilst they are fighting for their life!? Hmm...

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on January 13, 2014, 06:11:03 pm

A Father's Nightmare!!!!


A  father goes into his daughter’s bedroom and sees a letter addressed to “Mum and Dad” on the bed. With a heavy heart he opens it and reads:
 

Dear Mum & Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m telling you that I’ve eloped with my new boyfriend. I’ve found real love and he is so nice. Especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos and his stolen Harley.

But it’s not only that, I’m pregnant, and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his caravan in Epping Forest. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s one of my dreams too.

I’ve learned that marijuana does not hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and Ahmed’s friends. They’re the ones providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want.

In the meantime we’ll pray for science to find a cure for AIDS, so Ahmed can get better. He deserves it.

Don’t worry about money. Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that his friends Leroy and Jamal make in their basement. Apparently I can earn £200 per scene. I get a £200 bonus if there are more than three men in the scene and an extra £100 for the Alsatian.

Don’t worry Mum. Now I’m 14 I know how to take care of myself. Someday we’ll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren.



Your loving daughter,

Angelina.
 
P.S.  Dad. For God's sake calm down. It’s not true.I’m actually watching TV at the neighbours.I just wanted to show you that there really are worse things in life than England losing the f*cking Ashes or Manchester United losing to bottom of the league f*cking Sunderland

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on January 13, 2014, 06:15:12 pm

^^^^  :congrats:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on January 24, 2014, 02:12:01 pm

The pretty Mexican maid approaches her American boss-lady for a raise....

The woman was very upset about this request and decided to talk to the maid about the raise.


She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want more pay?”

Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first eez that I iron better than you.”

Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”

Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”

Wife: “Oh yeah?”

Maria: “The second reason eez that I am better cook than you.”

Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”

Maria: “Jor hozban deed”

Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”

Maria: “The third reason is that I ama better at sex than you in the bed.”

Wife: really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my

husband say that as well?”

Maria: “No Señora… The gardener did.”

Wife: ....“So how much do you want?”

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Phillyf21 on January 24, 2014, 03:42:07 pm

Does anyone know someone with a van for sale.....as my mate Roy Cropper needs one............as his old tranny has died on him.  :sick:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on January 25, 2014, 03:26:54 pm

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
 
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my grandad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.
 
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.
 
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.
 
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
 
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burnt by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
 
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'
 
The teacher sat down and cried.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: simonp on January 25, 2014, 09:23:44 pm

David Moyes has made a promise to Man Utd fans that their team will definitely be in a European competition next year. Even if he has to write the song himself!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on January 25, 2014, 09:31:15 pm

The wife left a note on the fridge saying "its no good, its not working. I'm staying at mums for a while".
I opened it, the light came on & the beer was chilled. Fu*k knows what she's on about!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on January 25, 2014, 09:32:13 pm

Mata didn't sign for United last night again because all the pens were sh*te!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on January 25, 2014, 09:32:47 pm

I said to my new girlfriend, "Your Dad was giving me funny looks when I picked you up."

She said, "Don't worry about it,  he's just had a stroke."

Lucky c**t, I've only kissed her twice.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on January 25, 2014, 09:43:14 pm

Porn film titles that should've been but never were:

'Inspect Her Gadget'

'Womb Raider'

'One Blew Over The Hooker's Chest'

'Night Of The Giving Head'

'Thrush Hour'

'Ass Ventura'

'Hannah Mounts Anna'

'Edward Dildo Hands'

'Reservoir Dogging'

'Three Willys'

'Cumblob Squidgypants'

'Shaving Ryan's Privates'

'Laid Marion & Throbbing Hood'

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on January 26, 2014, 12:19:50 am

Quote from: doylebros on January 25, 2014, 09:43:14 pm

Porn film titles that should've been but never were:

'Inspect Her Gadget'

'Womb Raider'

'One Blew Over The Hooker's Chest'

'Night Of The Giving Head'

'Thrush Hour'

'Ass Ventura'

'Hannah Mounts Anna'

'Edward Dildo Hands'

'Reservoir Dogging'

'Three Willys'

'Cumblob Squidgypants'

'Shaving Ryan's Privates'

'Laid Marion & Throbbing Hood'

You forgot "Glad he ate her"  :laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on January 26, 2014, 07:35:08 am

'Shaving Ryan's Privates' is an actual film about the porn industry parodying existing film titles.  :wink:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on January 31, 2014, 08:39:03 am

Murphy,  a furniture dealer from Dublin , decided to expand the  line of  furniture  in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what  he could  find.
 
After  arriving in Paris , he visited with some manufacturers and selected a  line  that he thought would sell well back home.
To celebrate  the new  acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of  wine.

As he  sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite  crowded, and  that the other chair at his table was the only vacant  seat in the  house.
 
Before  long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his  table, asked  him  something in French (which Murphy  could not  understand), so he motioned  to  the vacant chair and invited her to sit  down.

He  tried to speak to her  in English,  but she did not speak his language.
After a couple of  minutes of  trying  to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a  picture of  wine  glass and showed it to her.
She nodded, so he ordered a  glass of wine  for  her.
 
After sitting together at the table  for a while, he took another  napkin,  and drew  a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.
They left the  bistro  and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic  music.

They  ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and  they got up to dance.
They  danced  until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. 
 
Back at their table, the young lady took a  napkin and drew a picture of a  four-poster bed on it.

 
To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was  in  the furniture business.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on January 31, 2014, 06:31:41 pm

A policeman in Sydney, Australia pulled over a driver who had been weaving in and out of the traffic.

He approached the car window and said, "Sir I need you to blow into this breathalyser."

The man reaches into his pocket and produces a doctor's note.

On it was written: "This man suffers from chronic asthma.  Do not make him perform any action that may leave him short of breath."

The policeman said, "Okay then I need you to come and give a blood sample."

The man produced another letter.

This one said: "This man is a haemophiliac.  Please do not cause him to bleed in any way."

So the officer said: "Right, I need a urine sample then."

The man produces a third letter from his pocket.

It read: "This man plays Cricket for England, please don't take the piss out of him."
 
 

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on February 03, 2014, 08:23:00 pm

This EMAIL made me laugh today

WORDS

If there is a shred of doubt that
the world is totally insane, this will remove it.
This says it all….
 
Pythagoras’ Theorem.…………………………24 words.
 
The Lord’s Prayer……………………………………66 words.
 
Archimedes’ Principle…………………………………67 words.
 
The Ten Commandments……………………………….179 words.
 
The Gettysburg Address………………………………………286 words.
 
The US Declaration of Independence………………………..1,300 words.
 
The US Constitution with all 27 Amendments……………………7,818 words.
 
EU Regulations on the sale of Cabbages……………………………………26,911 words
 
( Lawyers...!!!)
 
 
Impossibilities in the world.
 
1.     You can’t count your hair.
 
2.     You can’t wash your eyes with soap.
 
3.     You can’t breathe when your tongue is out.
   
(Put your tongue back in your mouth you silly person.)
 
 
Ten (10) things I know about you.
 
1.     You are reading this
 
2.     You are human.
 
3.     You can’t say the letter ”P” without separating your lips.
 
4.     You just attempted to do it.
 
6.     You are laughing at yourself
 
7.     You have a smile on your face and you skipped         No. 5.
 
8.     You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
 
9.     You are laughing at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.
 
10.  You are probably going to send this on to see who else falls for it.
 
You have received this e-mail because
I did not want to be alone in the idiot category.
 
Have a great day.
 

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MC71 on February 03, 2014, 09:22:06 pm

^^^^ I was sticking my tongue out!   :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Stanipkiss on February 04, 2014, 09:05:03 pm

^^^^^ dito  :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on February 11, 2014, 08:30:12 pm

What a great comeback to a typical, modern, politically correct, idiot journalist…

Picture the interview:-


              LEIGH SALES;   Idiot Journalist     


For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian.


              General Cosgrove was interviewed on TV recently


Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this!
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.

This is a portion of an ABC interview between a female journalist Leigh Sales and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.

LEIGH SALES:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

LEIGH SALES:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

LEIGH SALES:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

LEIGH SALES:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The broadcast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.

God I would pay money to have seen her face…

 

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on February 20, 2014, 08:32:13 am

A Catholic priest says to his friend, the Rabbi, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants.

"I go in at well past 9.00pm in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar. Come 2.00am as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay. Then I say: 'I've already paid your colleague who has left.'
Because I am a man of the cloth, they take my word for it, and I leave."

The Rabbi is clearly impressed, and says: "Let's try it together this evening."

So the priest books them into a restaurant and come 2.00am they are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal.

Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay.

The priest just says: "I've already paid your colleague who has left."

And then the Rabbi adds: "And we're still waiting for the change !!"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on February 20, 2014, 08:38:18 am

Letter from an Irish Mother to her Son!

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive.  I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast.  We are all doing very well.

You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved.

Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.  I won't be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since..

Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him.  He's cutting the grass at the cemetery.

Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.

Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial! 

Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whisky in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.

I'm sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.

I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it  from him.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days. Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.

We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the  pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. 

There isn't much more news at this time.. Nothing much has happened..

Your loving Mum.

P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Horatio on February 20, 2014, 12:50:17 pm

^^^I had to youtube Major General Peter Cosgrove, its on there but cant view it at work due to restrictions  :fighting:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on February 21, 2014, 07:25:47 pm

The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on February 25, 2014, 12:40:51 pm

I hope you all like this one, it made me laugh
 
 
 
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'
Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband.I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No Kidding,' he said.
 
 
 

'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

 

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on February 26, 2014, 01:09:23 pm

My wife, children and I have been sitting upstairs in our Somerset home,
totally cut off from the outside world,with the downstairs


flooded for the last five weeks.Today the Red Cross pulled up outside in a
boat.


"Thank God!" I shouted. "Have you come to save us?"


"No," they replied. "We're collecting donations for Syria."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on March 04, 2014, 10:19:58 pm

Does anybody know about the innuendo competition next week? I was thinking of entering my mum.

 :laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: monte on March 05, 2014, 12:07:09 am

Quote from: Hedge on March 04, 2014, 10:19:58 pm

Does anybody know about the innuendo competition next week? I was thinking of entering my mum.

 :laugh:

 :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin:


A duck walks into a bar and says; "Got any bread?"

The barman says: "No."

The duck says: "Got any bread?"

The barman says: "No."

The duck says: "Got any bread?"

The barman says: "No, we do not have any bread."

The duck says: "Got any bread?"

The barman says: "No.....................we haven't got any f***ing bread."

The duck says: "Got any bread?"

The barman says: "No, are you deaf? We haven't got any f***ing bread. Ask me again and I'll nail your f***ing beak to the f***ing bar, you irritating little tw*t, NOW F**K OFF!!"

The duck says: "Got any nails?"

The barman says: "NO!!!!"

The duck says: "Got any bread?"

 :rolleye:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on March 07, 2014, 04:09:08 pm

Paddy says "I have just broke into a shop and stolen 25 pictures out of the window"... One of them is worth £185,000 ... His mate says "You daft b**tard it was an Estate Agents"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on March 14, 2014, 10:01:22 pm

[removed]

Too soon mate.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: MPS on March 16, 2014, 12:21:56 pm

"I'm Josef Fritzl and no windows was my idea"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on March 25, 2014, 01:51:45 pm

CHICKEN SURPRISE
 
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant,
 
and order the 'Chicken Surprise',
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
 
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises
slightly
 
and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around,
 
before the lid slams back down.
 
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.
 
He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
 
He reaches for it and again the lid rises and he sees two little eyes,
 
looking around before it slams down..
 
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over,
 
explains what is happening, and  demands an explanation.
 
'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
 
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise'
 
(You're going to love this,
 
and you're going to hate yourself for loving it!...)
 
'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter,
 
'I bring you Peeking Duck by mistake'.......
 

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Degudodger on March 25, 2014, 02:09:59 pm

 :grin: :grin:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on April 09, 2014, 05:03:10 pm

On the way home from the pub last night, I found the instructor from my Karate club at the pavement edge struggling to get to his feet. He had a broken nose, two black eyes and a broken arm. I helped him up and said,
"Wow mate I thought you were a black belt."
He said "I am but it doesn't work against cars."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on April 14, 2014, 09:22:43 pm

BRITISH HUMOUR
On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe, a U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat before realizing that the only seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.
The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed, and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire length of the train again, and discovered that the only seat available was in fact the one currently being occupied by the poodle.
Trudging tiredly back, the marine arrived once more before the French woman and said, “Please Ma'am, may I sit down? I'm very tired?”
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant. Why should I care if you are tired?"
This time, the Marine didn't say a word, but simply picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, then sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone, defend my honor! This American needs to be put in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold your fork in the wrong hand, and you drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
 

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on April 15, 2014, 04:06:08 pm

Subject: Oscar Pistorious

His lawyer’s got a hard job ahead of him. Realistically, it looks like Pistorius hasn’t got a leg to stand on.

Oscar clearly misunderstood when his girlfriend told him that on Valentine’s Day he had to take her out.

Oscar Pistorius is pleading not guilty due to temporary diminished responsibility.  He claims he was legless at the time of the incident.

Whatever happens in court, he still has a career. The IOC say he’s a front runner  at the next Olympics for pistol shooting.

Police reconstruction indicates that Pistorius lost it when, for his Valentine’s Day gift, his girlfriend gave him a pair of socks.

New Valentine’s Day card: “Roses are red, violets are glorious.  Never creep up On Oscar Pistorius.”

Too many Oscar Pistorius jokes already. Trying to come up with a new one is like taking a shot in the dark.

Looks like he has an expensive lawyer. I hope he can foot the bill.

Otherwise, the Oscar goes to……………………Jail !!

New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend’s murder……………. Footprints!

She didn’t notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.

I see what Pistorius is doing. He is going to jail for 25 years and when he gets released… Bam! President of South Africa. That’s how it works over there, right?

When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able-bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?

Surely Oscar Pistorius isn’t the first man to wake up legless during Valentine’s night, then shoot all over his partner whilst imagining she’s somebody else?

First Tiger Woods, then Lance Armstrong, and now Oscar Pistorius. I think Nike should start telling their athletes ” Just  Don’t Do It.”

Hollywood are doing his life story; it’s now going to be called Blade Gunner.

If found guilty he’s gonna have to take it on the shin.

And finally,

Anyone making jokes about Oscar Pistorius is just prosthetic!
 

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on May 08, 2014, 10:55:20 pm

A POSITIVE ATTITUDE     

The other night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every  function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.

It was  obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

She looked at me deep & steady and I heard  her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

I managed to mumble in reply,

"Can I feel your tits, then?"

 :star:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on May 09, 2014, 12:02:34 pm

Time for a terrible one:

A rabbit went into a pub and ordered a pint. He asked the barman what food they served. Toasties was the answer. He ordered a cheese and ham toastie finished his pint and ate his toastie. From then on he turned up every week and always ordered a pint and cheese and ham toastie. One week he ordered and was informed there was no ham. On asking what else he could have he was told cheese and tomato was all that was available. He ate that and left. He didn't return again and when another rabbit came in the barman enquired if he knew the missing rabbit.
"Very well" said the rabbit "but I have bad news. I'm afraid he died."
"What bad news?" said the barman. "What did he die of?"
"Mixing-me - toasties" said the rabbit

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on May 09, 2014, 06:09:51 pm

A small zoo in Barnsley acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.  Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season and to make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Albert Tobytyke, a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Albert, like many Barnsley blokes, felt he had ample ability to satisfy any female. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution, so Albert was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for £500?
Albert showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.  The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

1. "First up", Albert said, "No kissin' on't lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
2. "Secund", he said, "Tha' can't ever tell anybody abaht this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
3. "Thurd", Albert said, "Ah want all't bairns raised as Barnsley fans."
Once again it was agreed.

4. "And last of all", Albert stated, "Tha's got to gi me another week to come up wi' 500 quid"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on May 09, 2014, 08:41:40 pm

America is sending a crack Delta Unit to help find the kidnapped school girls in Nigeria!
Britain is sending Stuart Hall, Rolf Harris, Max Clifford & DLT!!!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on May 23, 2014, 09:15:06 pm

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.



   ATTORNEY:
   What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

   WITNESS:
   He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

   ATTORNEY:
   And why did that upset you?

   WITNESS:
   My name is Susan!

   _______________________________


   ATTORNEY:
   What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

   WITNESS:
   Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

   _____________________________________

   ATTORNEY:
   Are you sexually active?

   WITNESS:
   No, I just lie there.

   ______________________________________

   ATTORNEY:
   What is your date of birth?

   WITNESS:
   July 18th.

   ATTORNEY:
   What year?

   WITNESS:
   Every year.

   _____________________________________





   ATTORNEY:
   How old is your son, the one living with you?

   WITNESS:
   Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

   ATTORNEY:
   How long has he lived with you?

   WITNESS:
   Forty-five years.

   ______________________________

   ATTORNEY:
   This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

   WITNESS:
   Yes.

   ATTORNEY:
   And in what ways does it affect your memory?

   WITNESS:
   I forget.

   ATTORNEY:
   You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

   ______________________________________

   ATTORNEY:
   Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't
   know about it until the next morning?

   WITNESS:
   Did you actually pass the bar exam?

   ____________________________________

   ATTORNEY:
   The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

   WITNESS:
   He's 20, much like your IQ.

   ________________________________________

   ATTORNEY:
   Were you present when your picture was taken?

   WITNESS:
   Are you sh*tting me?

   ________________________________________

   ATTORNEY:
   So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

   WITNESS:
   Yes.

   ATTORNEY:
   And what were you doing at that time?

   WITNESS:
   Getting laid

   _______________________________________

   ATTORNEY:
   She had three children, right?

   WITNESS:
   Yes.

   ATTORNEY:
   How many were boys?

   WITNESS:
   None.

   ATTORNEY:
   Were there any girls?

   WITNESS:
   Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?


   _______________________________________

   ATTORNEY:
   How was your first marriage terminated?

   WITNESS:
   By death..

   ATTORNEY:
   And by whose death was it terminated?

   WITNESS:
   Take a guess.

   _______________________________________

   ATTORNEY:
   Can you describe the individual?

   WITNESS:
   He was about medium height and had a beard

   ATTORNEY:
   Was this a male or a female?

   WITNESS:
   Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

   _____________________________________

   ATTORNEY:
   Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I
   sent to your attorney?

   WITNESS:
   No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

   ______________________________________

   ATTORNEY:
   Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?


   WITNESS:
   All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

   _______________________________________

   ATTORNEY:
   ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

   WITNESS:
   Oral...

   _______________________________________

   ATTORNEY:
   Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

   WITNESS:
   The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

   ATTORNEY:
   And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

   WITNESS:
   If not, he was by the time I finished.

   _______________________________________

   ATTORNEY:
   Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

   WITNESS:
   Are you qualified to ask that question?

   ______________________________________

   And
   last:

   ATTORNEY:
   Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?


   WITNESS:
   No.

   ATTORNEY:
   Did you check for blood pressure?

   WITNESS:
   No.

   ATTORNEY:
   Did you check for breathing?

   WITNESS:
   No..

   ATTORNEY:
   So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
   autopsy?

   WITNESS:
   No.

   ATTORNEY:
   How can you be so sure, Doctor?

   WITNESS:
   Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

   ATTORNEY:
   I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?


   WITNESS:
   Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
   law.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: heyhoitsjoe on May 24, 2014, 10:55:09 am

Officer paddy pulls over an Audi quattro and tells the driver he has broken the law for having 5 people in the car. He explains that quattro means four, meaning only four people are allowed in the car at a time. The driver is furious, telling the police officer that quattro means it's four wheel drive and the car has 5 seatbelts so is allowed 5 people. Officer paddy is having none of it so the driver demands to see another officer, to which officer paddy replys " ok but you'll have to wait a while, officer Murphy's down the road, he's got 2 people in a fiat uno!"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: phil1975 on May 30, 2014, 10:19:44 am

(https://www.mk5golfgti.co.uk/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdaz.co%2Fmedia%2Fz331%2Fphil1975%2FATT00061_zps4d0a7429.jpg&hash=97a90f6456d0d3b62e6c3471d33d5d762c3ee4c5)

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on June 17, 2014, 03:17:31 pm

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings"

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."













The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on June 17, 2014, 03:21:37 pm

A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders
hung on the side and garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a
dog and a cat.
The firefighter walks over to take a closer look, 'that's a lovely fire engine,' he says admiringly.

'Thanks,' says the little girl.

The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.

'Little colleague,' says the firefighter, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'

The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f**king siren, would I?'

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: rich83 on June 17, 2014, 03:37:06 pm

^^^  :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on June 20, 2014, 12:42:42 pm

 "Life"


Perhaps the most profound observation I have heard in recent times:

"Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging free..........
It's women who make it hard."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on June 24, 2014, 02:22:01 pm

A middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a chemists and asks to see the pharmacist.

The pharmacist comes and the man, looking around furtively, asks quietly, "Do you sell Viagra here?"

The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do."

The man then asks, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?"

The pharmacist thinks for a moment and then says, "Perhaps, if you took five or six pills at once you might."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on July 10, 2014, 03:03:27 pm

Australian Love Poem

Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird 
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab 
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care 
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts 
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I  think it’s very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met 
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get 

No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now  shut up while the cricket’s on
And fetch another  beer
   
     
 
Brings a lump to your throat doesn't it!!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on July 14, 2014, 04:44:32 pm

I picked up an older woman at a club last night. She was hot, for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a conversation & she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double?

I said I'm not sure what that was. She said a mother and daughter threesome?


Daughter has to be really hot. We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night. I said that sounds great, let's go! We went back to her place. She put the hall light on & and shouted upstairs:

"Mum, are you still awake?"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: stealthwolf on July 15, 2014, 01:28:19 pm

A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young man answered "Eye, hods, I was a canny salesman back in Lemington."

The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked
"OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

The Geordie said "Just the one, Marra."

The manager groaned ..."Just one?
Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?

"£124,237.64" replied the Geordie.

The manager choked and exclaimed "£124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?"

"Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a booat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"

"Ner, nah......he came in here to buy a box of Tampax for his ladyfriend and I said ''Well, since ya weekend's focked, ya might as well gan fishin..."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: sub39h on July 15, 2014, 04:16:55 pm

 :congrats:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on July 28, 2014, 08:54:38 pm

A Brisbane couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an  elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.



When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..'



He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.



The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.



This happens several weeks in a row



The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.



Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'



The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.



She's married; so we can't go to her house.



I'm married; and we can't go to my house.



The Holiday Inn charges $98.



The Hilton charges $139.



We do it here for $50, and



Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on July 28, 2014, 08:55:19 pm

A Women’s Survey on Sizes

"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was ending, he turned into a butterfly." Proverb
 
Women's response to:
 
2 inches - I can't even hold it.
 
3 inches - Never been so unsatisfied

4 inches- I've had bigger than it ...

5 inches- Good, but I wish a bit bigger!
 
6 inches- perfect.
 
7 inches-Love it.
 
8 inches - Wow, but can’t have it all.
 
9 inches - Painful but manageable.
 
10 inches- Too much pressure on stomach.
 
This survey was Customers' Feedback on different SIZES of Subway Sandwiches.
But I love the way you think!
 
 

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Top Cat on July 29, 2014, 09:20:03 am

I've just been hit over the head with an electric drill.

I was minding my own business, then all of a sudden - BOSCH

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: rich83 on July 29, 2014, 10:09:51 am

Quote from: Top Cat on July 29, 2014, 09:20:03 am

I've just been hit over the head with an electric drill.

I was minding my own business, then all of a sudden - BOSCH

(https://www.mk5golfgti.co.uk/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fstatic.fjcdn.com%2Fgifs%2FWhen%2Bi%2Btell%2Ba%2Bjoke%2Baround%2Bmy%2Bfamily_2b326d_4906499.gif&hash=62d83ed04f1df00eb1d0caa491c96ee0834b1767)

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on August 16, 2014, 06:25:51 am

Today's word is................. Fluctuations


I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke....

I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in
front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller,
"Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.Today I only get hunat
eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: rich83 on August 16, 2014, 11:18:54 am

 :laugh:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Frenzy on August 16, 2014, 12:44:59 pm

v. good  :signLOL:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on August 29, 2014, 05:52:27 pm

The Ultimate in Suicide Counselling
– bet she changes her mind

A woman was standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off.

A homeless drunk stopped and mumbled,
"If you're about to kill yourself, how about a shag before you go?"

The woman was angry and said,
"No! F**k off you filthy old bast**d."

The tramp turned to leave and said,
"No problems, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on September 07, 2014, 11:22:40 am

Paddy takes his goldfish to the vet and says' I think it has epilepsy?' Vet replies ' it looks fine to me?'.              Paddy says ' yes but wait till I take it out the bowl....'

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Frenzy on September 07, 2014, 11:56:30 am

i LOL'd in a chuckling way  :grin:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on September 15, 2014, 09:26:03 pm

I've wrote a book called my permanently exposed penis,


It's out now,

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on September 23, 2014, 01:52:44 pm

Jennifer, a manager at the Sunshine Coast Council, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.


After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified.


Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.


Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.


The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked,


'What is the fastest thing you know of?

'The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head.

There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened.


A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.

''Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.


'She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch.


When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep,

TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'


Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man.


'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,'she said.


Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.


''WHAT ! ?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

 

'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could

THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already sh*t myself.

'Wally is now working at the Sunshine Coast Council.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on October 08, 2014, 09:13:14 pm

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest hooker, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."


The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson ..

And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Kevin's hooker."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: rich83 on October 18, 2014, 11:16:12 am

A group of English chaps, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for a reunion lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet, and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on October 20, 2014, 05:04:15 pm

According to the Bible, Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Palestine.

A country where people are named Mohammed, Abdul, Mounir, Aziz, Ahmed, Farid, Omar, Youssouf, Mouloud, etc.

And yet He managed to find 12 friends called John, Peter, Paul, Phillip, Mark, Thomas, Luke, Mathew, Andrew and Simon ...... who all drank wine!


Now that's what I call a bloody miracle!!!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on October 20, 2014, 05:14:29 pm

BAD Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.


Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: bakili on October 20, 2014, 05:31:55 pm

(https://www.mk5golfgti.co.uk/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ftapatalk.imageshack.com%2Fv2%2F14%2F10%2F20%2F05b3469d7cc7064e2462f6c7fc1c2213.jpg&hash=3398cdf95cd250a8f18193d4c2a40881bdeed2f6)


Sent from my iPhone

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Hedge on October 25, 2014, 08:15:01 pm

The lawyer says, "I have good news and bad news."

The CEO replies: "I've had an awful day, let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer says, "Your wife invested $20,000 in five pictures that are worth a minimum of $2 million."

The CEO replies enthusiastically, "Well done, that is very good news indeed! You've made my day; now what is the bad news?"

The lawyer answers, "They are pictures of you in bed with your secretary!"

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on November 07, 2014, 07:32:30 pm

A teacher asks her class "Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood's girlfriend?"

Little Paddy raises his hand and says "Yes Miss, it's Trudy Glen."

"No Paddy, the answer is Maid Marion."

"But Miss, what about the song? Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding Trudy Glen."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: ukshocker on November 07, 2014, 09:09:54 pm

Nice one stealthwolf
2006 2.0 FSi GT

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on November 10, 2014, 04:40:48 pm

A young lady walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees the bloke who had his wicked way with her the previous evening, after they had met in a pub.

He was stacking washing powder boxes onto the shelves.   "You lying toad" she yells, "last night you told me you were a stunt pilot".

"No" he says "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team".
 

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on November 11, 2014, 05:20:56 pm

 

Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.

Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car

comes to a stop.

 

Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur:  'You get out

and check - you were driving."

 

'The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

 

'You were driving; go and tell the farmer, ' says Cherie.

 

Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled

with a big grin on his face.

 

'My goodness, what happened to you?' asks Cherie.

 

The chauffeur replies: ' When I got there, the farmer opened his best

bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me. '

 

'What on earth did you say?' asks Cherie.

 




' I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them: ' I'm Cherie Blair's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on November 12, 2014, 11:38:22 am

*A man went to Harley Street in London , having seen an advert for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.*
 
Knowing that nowadays, job advertisers aren't able to discriminate against the applicant's gender, he was very interested, so he went in and asked the secretary for details.

She retrieved the file and read to him: "This job entails preparing ladies for the Gynaecologist. You will be responsible for helping them out of their underwear, laying them down and carefully washing their private areas, applying shaving foam to the necessary parts and removing all  unwanted foliage, and finally, you'll be required to rub in soothing  oils, in preparation for the Gynaecologist's examination.”

Then she told him “The annual salary is £65,000 but if you're  interested, you'll have to go to Aberdeen " .

"My goodness!", exclaimed the man, "Is that where the job is?".
 
 
 

She answered, "No , that's where the end of the queue is..."

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on November 20, 2014, 08:47:44 am

A man and a woman were  sitting beside each other in the first class section of an  airplane..
           
The woman sneezed,  took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly  shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back  to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed  again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently  once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold,  the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more  minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.. As before,  she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more  than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man  turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that  you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered  violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you,  I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have  an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was  still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before"  he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"


 

 

 

 


The woman  nodded, "Pepper."

 

 

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: JimmyC92 on November 20, 2014, 09:03:38 am

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jills fanny, but Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock, as Jill's a f*ckin' tranny!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: simonp on November 21, 2014, 05:33:10 pm

Quote from: doylebros on November 12, 2014, 11:38:22 am

*A man went to Harley Street in London , having seen an advert for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.*
 
Knowing that nowadays, job advertisers aren't able to discriminate against the applicant's gender, he was very interested, so he went in and asked the secretary for details.

She retrieved the file and read to him: "This job entails preparing ladies for the Gynaecologist. You will be responsible for helping them out of their underwear, laying them down and carefully washing their private areas, applying shaving foam to the necessary parts and removing all  unwanted foliage, and finally, you'll be required to rub in soothing  oils, in preparation for the Gynaecologist's examination.”

Then she told him “The annual salary is £65,000 but if you're  interested, you'll have to go to Aberdeen " .

"My goodness!", exclaimed the man, "Is that where the job is?".
 
 
 

She answered, "No , that's where the end of the queue is..."

Did that one back in 2012. See page 27.  :smiley:

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: rich83 on November 27, 2014, 12:13:45 pm

Two bee keepers . . . And one says, "How many bees have you got?"
And he says, "I've got 10,000 bees.”
He says, "How many hives have you got?"
He says, "I've got 20 hives".
“20 hives; 10,000 bees?"
He says, "Yeah.”

He says, “How may bees have you got?"
He says, “I've got a million bees.”
“A million bees?!"
He says, "Yeah."
He says, "How many hives have you got?"
"One."

"A million bees - one hive?”
He goes, "Yeah, f**k 'em.”

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on December 05, 2014, 04:52:33 pm

THE AUSTRALIAN VIRGIN

A very nice, innocent woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been with another woman.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has no experience with women.
She is very happy with him, and she feels that they are perfect for each other...
So, they end up getting married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening.
When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked.
All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman" he says,
"But if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"
 

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on December 11, 2014, 08:37:41 am

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,

'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it,

allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked,

'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural.

I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid.

I have a 28 inch waist.

Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... that was me.'

 

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Biano44 on December 11, 2014, 06:40:50 pm

Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on February 09, 2015, 04:52:49 pm

Potatoes
Well, a Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam'.
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato'.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would eat properly so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for those hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries, and when she went out West, she must watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
They sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ). So that when she graduated she'd really be "in the Chips".
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Richie Benaud.


"Richie Benaud!!!!" they cried.

They were very upset and told Yam "You can't possibly marry Richie Benaud because he's just ........


Are you ready for this? Are you sure?
*
OK! You asked for it: Here it is!
*
*
*

*

*

*

*

*
... just a COMMONTATER!"

 

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on February 09, 2015, 04:56:00 pm

I bought a new pair of shoes today, but when I got them home, I realised that one was a slip on, and one had laces.
I blame myself. On the box, it said Taiwan

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on February 13, 2015, 04:43:30 pm

 A father walks into a restaurant with his young son and gives the young boy three 5 pence coins to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.  The boy coughs up two of the 5p's but is still choking; the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper, sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the  restaurant.
 
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. Tighter and tighter!

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the coins, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen
anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

'No,' the  woman replied, ‘I'm with the Inland Revenue.’
 
 
 

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: Rampage on May 22, 2015, 05:36:12 pm

This spoof on the Liverpool transfer mess had me crying with laughter...
Happy damn Friday!

Title: Re: New Friday Joke thread!
Post by: doylebros on July 20, 2015, 05:11:27 pm

This made me laughter today - the text is just class!

https://www.facebook.com/brunonumerouno/videos/10152540151601966/