I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.Quality :congrats:
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.Quality :congrats:
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
Very good Hedge! The answer will always be the same one!
:grin: @ 13
I was pondering why a Frisbee gets bigger as it gets closer. Then bang! it hit me. :driver:
my GF asked for an orgasm last nite.... then had the bloody cheek to spit it out after :innocent:
matsu
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Bet he doesn't let anyone out from a side track!! :grin:
Police Report
The Metropolitan Police arrested Floella Benjamin yesterday for unauthorised access to the House of Commons.
Reports say that she got in through the round window.
I was on a BA flight once (I forget where to) and the attendant came on the intercom and said "Ladies and gentlemen, please pay attention to the safety briefing as there will be a short quiz after the flight."Police Report
The Metropolitan Police arrested Floella Benjamin yesterday for unauthorised access to the House of Commons.
Reports say that she got in through the round window.
I don't get it...
"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me."
Got stopped in the street outside 'boots' today by a woman with a clipboard asking "what grooming products I use?" You should have seen her face when I said " Facebook, Haribo sweets and puppies."
The cops have just lifted me for knocking the fcuk out of the wife again. One of them said to me: "This is the third time this month! Why do you keep beating her?" I replied "Probably due to my height and weight advantage, longer reach and superior footwork.":congrats: :congrats:
Got stopped in the street outside 'boots' today by a woman with a clipboard asking "what grooming products I use?" You should have seen her face when I said " Facebook, Haribo sweets and puppies."
:congrats: :congrats:
I just got told off for laughing at that :laugh:
Hope she doesn't see that Rich. :scared: :signLOL:
That's just a rehash of one of Hedge's jokes earlier on!
I've just seen Kevin Webster working in his garage on a 14 year old escort.
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -- Rich Jeni
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
34 Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.How very poignant, Ian!
34 Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go (and then return under several alias')How very poignant, Ian!
Two Aussie cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar.
One asked, "What are you up to, Mate?"
Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."
"Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?"
"Ah, probably the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."
According to Tetley... the best way to make a cup of tea is to properly agitate the bag. So every morning I slap the wife on the arse and say "Two sugars in mine, fatso!''
Well now I know... it's still not funny!
According to Tetley... the best way to make a cup of tea is to properly agitate the bag. So every morning I slap the wife on the arse and say "Two sugars in mine, fatso!''
I tell ya what, I'll get me coat.
I tell ya what, I'll get me coat.
About time, I've been standing here holding it out for you for 2 days now! :laugh:
A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her fanny on her wedding night, so decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with her he asked "Exactly how far across the field were you before you realised it was caught"?:signLOL: :congrats:
I took a girl home from a club last night.
As we got inside my house I said, "You'll be walking funny tomorrow."
"Ooooooh" she smiled, "Have a big c**k do we?"
I locked the door and said, "No, I'm going to cut off your feet." :happy2:
Not sure if he's trying to tell me something... :chicken: :grin:
Went in a pub the other night and there were these 2 fat birds at the bar chatting in a strange accent. I asked them "Excuse me, are you 2 ladies from Scotland?"
"Wales, you f***ing idiot!" one spat back.
"I do apologise, are you 2 whales from Scotland?"
One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."
:happy2:
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". :happy2:
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude.". :happy2:
Little late with this one (I was texted it Thursday morning):
On sale now, Spanish Viagra. For those evenings when you can only manage a semi...
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.
After having sex with a rough council estate girl, there's nothing worse than looking down and seeing a split and leaking condom hanging off the end of your willy.......................... especially when you weren't wearing one to begin with.
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Athens airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days."
Being told that they had discovered a cure for dyslexia was like music to my arse............
:laugh:
Being told that they had discovered a cure for dyslexia was like music to my arse............
:laugh:
That is awesome Carlo. :notworthy:
An American tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "They have to go backwards. If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat."
There's an annual contest at Griffith University, Australia, calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.
This year's term was 'political correctness'.
The winning student wrote:
'Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and rapidly promoted by mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of sh*t by the clean end.."
:signLOL:
Just got this text message, not sure if it's a prank: " Congratulations! You have won £250 of shopping vouchers, or a night at an Elvis Presley tribute act. To claim your prize, press 1 for the money, 2 for the show...."
Just got this text message, not sure if it's a prank: " Congratulations! You have won £250 of shopping vouchers, or a night at an Elvis Presley tribute act. To claim your prize, press 1 for the money, 2 for the show...."
Doh!!! I wrote that one weeks ago mate.... further up the page :ashamed:
^^^^ lost me. Probably just me being slow. :confused:Probably too young or too old. Michael J Fox was the lead in a trilogy called "Back to the Future".
Who picks up Guide dog sh*t? :confused:
It'll be +1 in a few mins. :smiley:
Who picks up Guide dog sh*t? :confused:
Watching Jimmy Carr? :P
Scottish man walks into a bakery and says…
"Is that a Cake or a Meringue"?
Baker says….
"You are correct"
:laugh:
Two interesting facts about me......
1) My penis is the same length as 2 Argos pens.
2) I'm banned from Argos... :ashamed:
And finally (for this Friday)....
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
(https://www.mk5golfgti.co.uk/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1049.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fs399%2Fmcaborn%2Frofl3.gif&hash=35689c8abcc749bf35869db7e74a8432d4cf4221)
And finally (for this Friday)....
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
(https://www.mk5golfgti.co.uk/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1049.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fs399%2Fmcaborn%2Frofl3.gif&hash=35689c8abcc749bf35869db7e74a8432d4cf4221)
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Every Fill-Up.'
Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and said that if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were very close, the lucky number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.' A week later, Paddy,with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up.
Again Paddy asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3, you were very close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex at all.'
Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.
My wife won twice last week.'
A man walks into a chemist and says to the bloke behind the counter,
'Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once and I need something to keep me horny... keep me potent.'
The chemist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with the label Viagra Extra Strength and says,
'If you take this, you'll go mental for 12 hours.'
Very happy and excited, the man says, 'Gimme three boxes.'
The next day the man walks into the same chemist's shop, right up to the same chemist and pulls down his pants. The chemist looks in horror as he notices the man's cock is swollen, black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.
The man says, 'Gimme a tube of Deep Heat.'
The chemist replies, 'Deep Heat? You're not going to put Deep Heat on that are you?'
The man says, 'No, it's for my arms. The girls didn't show up.'
A man walks into a chemist and says to the bloke behind the counter,
'Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once and I need something to keep me horny... keep me potent.'
The chemist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with the label Viagra Extra Strength and says,
'If you take this, you'll go mental for 12 hours.'
Very happy and excited, the man says, 'Gimme three boxes.'
The next day the man walks into the same chemist's shop, right up to the same chemist and pulls down his pants. The chemist looks in horror as he notices the man's cock is swollen, black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.
The man says, 'Gimme a tube of Deep Heat.'
The chemist replies, 'Deep Heat? You're not going to put Deep Heat on that are you?'
The man says, 'No, it's for my arms. The girls didn't show up.'
Perhaps in the wrong topic but I cannot stop laughing...
[ Invalid YouTube link ]
monte's story is epic!Monte :happy2: cheers
Two repair men were walking along examining the railway track, chatting casually.
"I had a great shag near here the other day," said one of them, "a great girl, she had a lovely body and the longest smoothest legs you can imagine. Gagging for it she was. The best sex I've had in years!"
"Well," said the other, she must have been a bit of a dog to go with you. What did she look like? Blonde hair I suppose."
"Dunno," said the first, "I couldn't find her head."
Dear Deardrie,
My boyfriend's a right dick!
He told me the best cure for constipation was anal sex.
I didn't believe him but after some persuasion, he talked me into it and I let him stick his cock into my tiny little arsehole.
He shagged me up the bum really hard, and I didn't enjoy it.
He's just rung me this morning saying he wants to try it again as he's still constipated.
What should I do?
^^^ you sir are a genious...that's what I thought too! :grin:
Thats my FB status sorted for the next few weeks :)
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
When the pope toured Ireland he was asked what he thought of County Down.
He said, it’s not the same since Carol Vorderman left.
Hasn't that been told b4.. lol... we're now repeating jokes.; maxed completely out.
Hasn't that been told b4.. lol... we're now repeating jokes.; maxed completely out.
Ill say no. Feel free to search for it though :laugh:
In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1998 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort":signLOL: out loud
Tim decided to marry his long time girlfriend.
Tim decided to marry his long time girlfriend.
I take it you missed the one I posted a few days ago: http://www.mk5golfgti.co.uk/forum/index.php/topic,6205.msg677727.html#msg677727 ?
HSE confirm that all who ate #horseburgers are in a stable condition:laugh:
That doesn't mean you should go and spam elsewhere either, If you do I will simply remove your posts and you will be back to square one.
That doesn't mean you should go and spam elsewhere either, If you do I will simply remove your posts and you will be back to square one.
I wouldn't do such a thing! Check my posts they are all relevant! :wink:
That doesn't mean you should go and spam elsewhere either, If you do I will simply remove your posts and you will be back to square one.
I wouldn't do such a thing! Check my posts they are all relevant! :wink:
I saw the three posts in one subject !, as I say keep them relevant and use as little posts as needed, the rule is there for a reason and not to be circumvented or abused.
That doesn't mean you should go and spam elsewhere either, If you do I will simply remove your posts and you will be back to square one.
I wouldn't do such a thing! Check my posts they are all relevant! :wink:
I saw the three posts in one subject !, as I say keep them relevant and use as little posts as needed, the rule is there for a reason and not to be circumvented or abused.
Lol, you deleted some of my posts, I'm a mk6 owner, never had a mk5, so there isnt a great deal I can chat about :grin:
Congratulation the mk5 and mk6 share some parts! that makes us brothers! :drinking:That doesn't mean you should go and spam elsewhere either, If you do I will simply remove your posts and you will be back to square one.
I wouldn't do such a thing! Check my posts they are all relevant! :wink:
I saw the three posts in one subject !, as I say keep them relevant and use as little posts as needed, the rule is there for a reason and not to be circumvented or abused.
Lol, you deleted some of my posts, I'm a mk6 owner, never had a mk5, so there isnt a great deal I can chat about :grin:
Yeah because the mk6 is a totally different car to the mk5 :confused: :confused:
ever had a mk5, so there isnt a great deal I can chat about :grin:There are quite a few people on here who don't have a MK5. That doesn't seem to bother them and yet they still manage to post useful/interesting posts rather than spamming the fudge out of this place. This forum is primarily for people to talk about their cars. It's not a trading site or a shop.
ever had a mk5, so there isnt a great deal I can chat about :grin:There are quite a few people on here who don't have a MK5. That doesn't seem to bother them and yet they still manage to post useful/interesting posts rather than spamming the fudge out of this place. This forum is primarily for people to talk about their cars. It's not a trading site or a shop.
No reason why you can't post jokes, but one liners are different - they could easily be contained in one post.
This forum is primarily for people to talk about their cars. It's not a trading site or a shop.
Congratulation the mk5 and mk6 share some parts! that makes us brothers! :drinking:
Congratulation the mk5 and mk6 share some parts! that makes us brothers! :drinking:
No, they're the same car mate.
^^^^ touché!
Joke thread is actually funny today! :popcornsoda:
At the height of the arms race, the Western World and Russians realised that, if they continued, they would someday end up destroying the world. So they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with a dogfight.
The negotiators agreed that each country would take five years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its country the right to rule the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest, meanest Dobermen and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian Wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy from each litter, killed all the other puppies and fed the lone dog all of the milk. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine, until, after the five years were up, they had a dog that needed iron prison bars on his cage. Only the trainers could handle this beast.
When the day of the big fight arrived, the British showed up with a strange animal: It was a nine-foot-long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for us. No one else thought this weird animal stood a chance against the growling beast in the Russian camp. The bookies predicted the Russians would win in less than a minute.
The cages were opened. The Dachshund waddled toward the centre of the ring. The Russian dog leapt from his cage and charged the giant sausage-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Brits dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Russian beast in one bite. There was nothing left but a small bit of fur from the killer dog's tail.
The Russians approached the British trainers, shaking their heads in disbelief. "We do not understand. Our top scientists and breeders worked for five years with the meanest, biggest Doberman and Rottweiler's. They developed a killing machine."
"Really?" the Brits replied. "We had our top plastic surgeons working solidly for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund...."
One morning, a Hell's Angel goes into a coffee bar and orders a large cappuccino. As he is about to leave, he asks the waitress for his bill.
"Two pounds sixty," she says.
The Hell's Angel produces 260 penny coins, drops them on the floor and leaves.
This happens every morning for the next few days until one morning the Hell's Angel wants to pay with a fiver. Gotcha, thinks the waitress, who has been waiting for this day to get her revenge: she drops 240 pennies onto the floor.
"Your change," she says with a smug little smile.
The Hell's Angel produces a 20 pence coin and places it on the table.
"Another large cappuccino, please."
"Go and have a look at the size of the sh*t I've just done in the bathroom!" I said to my wife.
"No thanks," she replied.
"Please, just one quick look," I said, "You won't believe it, it's a good two pounder."
Shaking her head in disbelief, she pinched her nose, ran in, looked down the toilet, then ran out and said, "There's nothing down there, you must've flushed it."
I said, "It's on the scales."
:laugh:
Why are Pirates called Pirates?
Because they ARRRR. :rolleye:
Made me lol: https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7579798272/h107EA079/
Little Billy is walking down the road dragging his flattened frog on a piece of string behind him.
He walks up to the local brothel and taps the door, when the madam answers, he says,
“I want to have sex with your dirtiest girl who has lots of diseases; I have £500 to spend”.
The madam’s eyes light up and she says,
“That’ll be me then, but why do you want a disease?”
Little Billy says,
“Tonight, after Mum and Dad leave, my babysitter will shag me because she likes cute little boys. Later when Dad runs her home he’ll shag her in the lay-by. When he comes home and goes to bed, Mum will want a good seeing to and tomorrow when Dad goes off to work, Mum will shag the milkman………
And he’s the [Censored] who ran my frog over!”
Little Billy is walking down the road dragging his flattened frog on a piece of string behind him.
He walks up to the local brothel and taps the door, when the madam answers, he says,
“I want to have sex with your dirtiest girl who has lots of diseases; I have £500 to spend”.
The madam’s eyes light up and she says,
“That’ll be me then, but why do you want a disease?”
Little Billy says,
“Tonight, after Mum and Dad leave, my babysitter will shag me because she likes cute little boys. Later when Dad runs her home he’ll shag her in the lay-by. When he comes home and goes to bed, Mum will want a good seeing to and tomorrow when Dad goes off to work, Mum will shag the milkman………
And he’s the [Censored] who ran my frog over!”
I went to the doctor's surgery the other day and found out that my new doctor is a young female and drop-dead gorgeous!
I was embarrassed, but she said,
"Don't worry, I'm a Professional I've seen it all before Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out."
I said,
"My wife thinks my dick tastes funny."
I know it's early but it did make me laugh so here goes:-
In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as:
"I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i"
rather than
"I've just buggered a 14 year old escort"
Nassar Hussein and Vladimir Putin have never been seen in the same room
A family are having a nice meal at the dining table when one son says
"Dad I have to tell you something....I'm gay.”
Dad is just speechless and looks horrified, when all of a sudden his other son says,
“Me too dad, sorry”
Dad stands up and shouts!!!
“doesn't anyone in this family like pussy?”
His daughter raises her arm and says...
“I do…”
:laugh:
Q: How can you tell which is the head nurse?
A: The one with the dirty knees.
I'm selling my entire John Lennon collection on eBay. Imagine all the PayPal!
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them. They could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'
...Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whiskey.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out..
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said, 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.
Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them. In fact, they could only raise the staggering sum of two dollars.
"Hang on, I have an idea," Murphy said.
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
"Are you crazy?" Seamus asked. "Now we don't have any money at all!"
"Don't worry," Murphy replied. "Just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson.
"Now you've lost it," Seamus said. "Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry," he said. "I have a plan."
They downed their drinks. Murphy said: "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the 10th pub, Seamus said, "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!"
"How do you think I feel?†Murphy replied. "I’m so drunk I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in."
IRISH SAUSAGES
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel?
I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'
I know its not Friday :P
To verify these statements: Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour.
Then open the door, and observe who's happy to see you!
Opened up the second window on my advent calendar today. I wasn't expecting Tom Daily to come out. :star:
Michael Schumacher's management team are adamant that he will race again.
Although it might be against Stephen Hawking.
Porn film titles that should've been but never were:
'Inspect Her Gadget'
'Womb Raider'
'One Blew Over The Hooker's Chest'
'Night Of The Giving Head'
'Thrush Hour'
'Ass Ventura'
'Hannah Mounts Anna'
'Edward Dildo Hands'
'Reservoir Dogging'
'Three Willys'
'Cumblob Squidgypants'
'Shaving Ryan's Privates'
'Laid Marion & Throbbing Hood'
Does anybody know about the innuendo competition next week? I was thinking of entering my mum.
:laugh:
I've just been hit over the head with an electric drill.
I was minding my own business, then all of a sudden - BOSCH
*A man went to Harley Street in London , having seen an advert for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.*
Knowing that nowadays, job advertisers aren't able to discriminate against the applicant's gender, he was very interested, so he went in and asked the secretary for details.
She retrieved the file and read to him: "This job entails preparing ladies for the Gynaecologist. You will be responsible for helping them out of their underwear, laying them down and carefully washing their private areas, applying shaving foam to the necessary parts and removing all unwanted foliage, and finally, you'll be required to rub in soothing oils, in preparation for the Gynaecologist's examination.”
Then she told him “The annual salary is £65,000 but if you're interested, you'll have to go to Aberdeen " .
"My goodness!", exclaimed the man, "Is that where the job is?".
She answered, "No , that's where the end of the queue is..."