An American photographer on holiday was inside a church in Blackburn taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone
mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'.
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Preston .
There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Blackburn and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God.
'OK, thank you,' said the American.
He then travelled to Nelson, Colne, Bury, Rochdale and Oldham .
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '£10,000 per call' sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Lancashire, decided to travel across to Yorkshire to see if they had the same phone.
He arrived in Ilkley, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign
under it read '50 pence per call.'
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over Lancashire and I've seen
this same golden telephone in many churches.
I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in Lancashire the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'
The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Yorkshire now, son, God's own county ... it's a local call.'
Details, It's all in the details!
Perception
Two women were chatting in the office in Huddersfield .
Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?
Woman 2: Yes.
Woman 1: Was it good?
Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in
five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour.
When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay.
We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!
At the same time, their husbands were talking at work.
Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to
take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab.
We had to walk home which took an hour - and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light bloody
candles all over the house!
I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour.
After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour.
Yorkshire Jokes
Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom ?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' us."
***
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft begger!"
***
A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were Thine" engraved on it.
He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral.
True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were Thin".
He explodes - good grief, man, you've left the flamin' "e" out!
The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.
Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason - "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you"..
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud - "E, She were Thin".
***
Bloke from Barnsley with a sore backside asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"
A blonde from Leeds was on holiday and driving through Darwin .
She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but
was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one
of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and
catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free".
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile,
"Little lady, just go and give it a try"!
The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile!
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of
the bank where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky
water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he spots a huge 3 metre croc swimming rapidly toward her. With
lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimey
banks of the river. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on
their backs.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.
The blonde struggled and flipped the Croc onto its back.
Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out........
" sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO"!
IF ONLY ~
THE POLITICALLY CORRECT IDIOTS
~ WOULD ALLOW THIS!!!
Why didn't we think of this before?
Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports.
Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you!
It would be a win-win for everyone - there would be none of this crap about racial profiling and it would eliminate long and expensive trials.
Justice would be quick and swift. Case Closed!
This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now: you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.
Shortly thereafter, an announcement comes over the PA system:
"Attention Standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight number..."
Perfect!!!!
