Joke thread

[MC71]

We used to have a joke thread, can't find it, so starting another!! 



A blonde lady heard that bathing in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk the next morning.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your
note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said,
"No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said,
"No, just up to my tits ...
I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"

[4ndy]

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

[rich83]

Martin Martin Martin......  Search and you shall find! 

[Bozz]

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Love it,,, Made me chuckle

[Carpy25]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers pain to the baby’s father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaning that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and “kick it up a notch.”
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the postman was dead on the porch....

[Adam0604]

I was at the store and asked for 50 condoms.
Two girls in the queue started giggling to themselves ... so whilst staring the girls in the eyes I said "Actually, make it 52".

Did you know the swimming pools on The Titanic are still full?

I don't really want to go much darker in humour than the above XD
I'll try remember some of the extremely dry one liners my mate comes out with though, because they're so bad they're actually funny!

[rich83]

In the shark-infested waters of the Caribbean, two prawns called Justin and Christian are discussing the pressures of being a preyed-upon prawn. “I hate being a prawn,” says Justin. “I wish I were a shark.” Suddenly, a mysterious cod appears. “Your wish is granted,” he says. Instantly, Justin becomes a shark. Horrified, Christian swims away, afraid his former friend might eat him.

As time passes, Christian continues to avoid Justin, leaving the shrimp-turned-maneater lonely and frustrated. So when he bumps into the cod again, he begs the mysterious fish to change him back. Lo and behold, Justin is turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, he swims back to the reef to seek out Christian. As he approaches, he shouts out: “It’s me, Justin, your old friend. I’ve changed… I’ve found Cod. I’m a prawn again, Christian.”

[Bozz]

2 lady's of the night stood talking on the corner & one said my mouth feels like a bird cage !!! The other said I'm not surprised you had a Cockatoo in there last night