New Friday Joke thread!

[rich83]

Excellent thor... keep them coming! 

[rich83]

I went to the doctors and asked for some viagra. The doc replied "prove to me you need it", so I showed him a photo of the misses!

[VC]

 

[Hedge]

Hope she doesn't see that Rich.   

[Thor]

Hope she doesn't see that Rich.   

+1 Brave man you are Rich 

[Poppa Dom]

Great one Chris, needed that this evening 

[Hedge]

Some Irish One-Liners!

Mick goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Mick says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
________________________________________
Mick spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND".
Mick spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the thing up.
________________________________________
Mick shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" Asks the Doctor?
"No", shouts Mick, "this is her husband!"
________________________________________
Mick was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Mick tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says "For heaven's sake Mick, that's your air freshener swinging about!"
________________________________________
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" His wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.
________________________________________
Mick's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet."What the hell are you doing?" He asks.
"Hanging myself" Mick replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Mick "but I couldn't breathe".
________________________________________
An answer I can understand. An American tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."
________________________________________________________________________________

All right! I know they're more than one line - they're Irish!!

[VC]

'You can tell a lot about a person by their car.'For example, if it's in a ditch, it's a woman. 

[Top Cat]

   GTI James and Teff, would beg to differ.   http://www.mk5golfgti.co.uk/forum/index.php/topic,21326.75.html

[VC]

I like to name my iPod Titanic, so that when it says 'Syncing Titanic', I click cancel and it makes me feel like a hero

[VC]

I'm treating my wife to a romantic dinner for valentines day.Soft, slow cooked pasta.The finest petis pois,Finely diced soft soya flakes,A beautiful chicken stock marinade,Finely seasoned with fresh basil and mixed herbs.Then I just tip in water to the fill line, add the soy sauce sachet and I'm done.

[VC]

As I was coming down the stairs this morning I thought to myself'I really shouldn't be masturbating here'

[rich83]

I took a dyslectic home the other night..... she ended up cooking my sock!

[rich83]

Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately went to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied:
It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.

[Hedge]

The early bird and all that....

IRISH CHRISTENING
Patrick's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.   

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins ... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth, and had to be christened immediately so your brother Patrick came in and named them.

The woman thinks to herself, ' Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother, he's a clueless idiot ...         
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,' Well, what's my daughter's name?                                           

'Denise' says the doctor.
The new mother is somewhat relieved, 'Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother', she thought ...'I really like Denise '

Then she asks, ' What's the boy's name?'

The doctor replies ' Denephew '