New Friday Joke thread!

[VRSerious]

very good

[Hedge]

PARAPROSDOKIANS I had to look up "paraprosdokian".

Here is the definition: "Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation." "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.

Ok, so now enjoy!

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

29. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

[rich83]

  @ #20

[Janner_Sy]

Lets start the Chuck Norris Jokes

1-Chuck norris was once bit by a venomous cobra.  After 3 days of excruciating pain.....the cobra dies.

2- Chuck Norris once had this idea to sell his piss to pass on his energy.  The result was redbull.

3-Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin.  its descendants are known as giraffes.

4-The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears

5-If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list

Chuck Norris cracks me up

[Hedge]

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh...


"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.

And then she started laughing at the fact that she was giggleing.

Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could.

"I am so sorry," she said.. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"














"It's swollen," Bob replied.


She ran out of the room.

[rich83]

 

[rich83]

Its friday isnt it?

Kid: Mum can I wear a mini-skirt today?
Mum: No!

Kid: Can I wear lipstick?
Mum: No!

Kid: Can I wear high heels?
Mum: No!

Kid: But mum! I'm 16 years old!

Mum: I know John, I know...

[Hedge]

Early start....

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders, all I said was, 'hurry up for Christ's sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'

Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat bird who doesn't gobble anymore.

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'what you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'She replied, 'You're having soup you fat barstewards, I was talking to the cat!'

Not every flower can say love, but a rose can. Not every flower can survive thirst, but a cactus can. Not every vegetable can read, but bless, look at you having a little go!

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him LA.

In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, waiter came over and says, 'Curry Ok?' I said, 'go on then, just one song then bugger off'

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

Firemen have just rescued an Irish man with his penis stuck in a condom machine. They asked him what happened and he said, 'the sign says, insert £2 and push knob in'.

Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next 6 series of celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here. Show bosses think that she will do really well since she has been living off of a dead beetle for the last thirty years.

 

[MattPoss]

A German dwarf was in London for the week. Whilst there, he decided to visit a prostitute.

She thought "He'll never last long, this will be easy money!"

Just before he got down to business he put a large spring on both his elbows and both his knees then went at it for 4 hours, non stop!

After the 4 hours had passed, the prostitute turned over and breathlessly said "How the he'll did you manage that?!"

The dwarf turned round and said "Easy love, it's my foursprung dwarf technique!"

Matt

[rich83]

^^^^ Bravo chaps.... those made me giggle!

[dgti]

Very good 

[Scousus maximus]

A nerdy teenager gets in from school and asks his dad "     What's a c*nt?"
His dad lashes him round the ear and says "What's a c*nt, is that how we've brought you up?  Come with me "
They go upstairs and his lard@rse wife is lying on the bed starkers.
The dad says " See that hairy mop between her legs,            well that's a tw@t,  all the rest of it is a c*nt, now stop asking stupid questions"

[TonyZed]

My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.

"Did you smell that food?",
she said "it was absolutely incredible and it is our Anniversary tomorrow."

"f*ck it" I though. "I'll treat her".

So I walked her past again.

[monte]

A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him."No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."
****************
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
***************
I'm going to go rob a bank tomorrow. I plan on dressing up in a clown wig and make up and only wearing a thong and nipple tassels. I'll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I'm going to f*ck the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping up pages of a phonebook and swearing my head off. After getting the money, I'll take a sh*t on the floor and piss everywhere. I then will escape in a van shaped like a giant pink cock. Let's see Crimewatch  stage a reconstruction of that.
**************
I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."Unbelievable what some people are into.
****************
My gay brother has recently been diagnosed with HIV.......
..........What a bummer
******************
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb?To get to the other side.
***************
This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.The driver got out and he was a dwarf. He said, "I'm not happy."I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
************
A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too.""No, a straw," says the Tramp.The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".
****************
My girlfriend is a porn star.She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out.
*************
Just had a water fight over the park with a bunch of local kids.
I won !!!
No one's a match for me and my kettle.

 

[matsu]

monte.... a few of those are keepers.....evil !!

matsu