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Author Topic: New Friday Joke thread!  (Read 143212 times)

Offline Hedge

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #285 on: October 28, 2011, 04:30:51 pm »
I was at the airport and must have looked confused, so a guy came up to me and said, "Have you lost something mate ?"

I replied, "Yes i seem to have lost my wife"

"Me too" said the guy.

I asked him what she looked like, "Blonde, long tanned legs up to her neck, huge breasts, no knickers or bra and wearing a mini skirt and see through blouse"

He then said "What does yours look like?"

I replied "Who gives a **** , lets look for yours !!!!!!

 :wink:

Offline Horatio

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #286 on: October 28, 2011, 04:40:37 pm »
I saw Michael J Fox at my local garden centre today....















...he had his back to the fuchia's  :signLOL:
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Offline sub39h

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #287 on: October 28, 2011, 05:36:58 pm »
what's red and smells like blue paint?







































... red paint :P
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Offline simonp

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #288 on: October 28, 2011, 10:08:53 pm »
I was at the gym this morning when I noticed a hole in my trainer where I could push my finger in right up to the knuckle!.... Anyway she slapped me round the face and my membership has been suspended!

Offline simonp

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #289 on: October 28, 2011, 10:12:30 pm »
The mrs has just come into the living room wearing a little pvc number, fishnets and high heels, has handed me a cold beer and told me to sit down, relax, and when she comes back she'll give me 'what she does best'.

I can't wait. I love Shepherd's Pie.

Offline simonp

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #290 on: October 28, 2011, 10:15:00 pm »
I was showing my Doctor a nasty rash on my nob earlier today. He seemed pretty uncomfortable and didn't want to touch it. He just said make an appointment for Monday morning, when he wouldn't be shopping in Morrisons.

Offline monte

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #291 on: October 29, 2011, 09:10:30 am »
 :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
  :grin: :grin: :grin:

Some beauties there Simon  :happy2:

Offline Hedge

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #292 on: November 11, 2011, 11:18:31 am »
A quick overview of economics in the EuroZone.

Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece. The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house.

The Spaniard said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".

The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvellous. When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; "You see that bridge over there?"

The Spaniard replied; "No."

Offline simonp

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #293 on: November 11, 2011, 11:49:00 am »
One of the seven dwarfs has been arrested for f***ing a giraffe.Apparently the other six put him up to it...

Offline Hedge

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #294 on: November 23, 2011, 04:55:13 pm »
The Scottish Cow.

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.

The town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Scotland ..

It was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland .

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye :



"My wife is from Scotland "

Offline monte

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #295 on: November 23, 2011, 05:05:12 pm »
 :grin: :grin: :grin: :congrats:

Offline stealthwolf

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #296 on: November 29, 2011, 11:47:15 am »
It's late fall and the Indians on a reservation in South Dakota asked their chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a sh*t load of firewood'.

The GTI isn't just a machine. It's very much a living, breathing thing.

Offline monte

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #297 on: December 09, 2011, 08:24:10 am »
I left my car in a car park the other day, when I came back to it the bumper and rear lights were all smashed up.
Then I found this note under the wiper.
It said: "I just accidentally reversed into your car. Quite a few people saw me do it. Right now they all think I'm leaving my name and details.
...Well, I'm not."

Offline monte

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #298 on: December 09, 2011, 08:40:02 am »
A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.

His wife is lying in bed reading.

The man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache"

His wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep"

The man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep"

Offline monte

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #299 on: December 09, 2011, 08:51:22 am »
Iron Man is a superhero.
Iron Woman is a command.

...

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife,
"Quick love! Bring me a beer before it starts!"
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer anyway.
When he finished it, he shouted out,
"Quick love! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start any minute now"
This time she looked a little angry, but again brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It's gonna start any second now"

"That's it!" She said. "You lazy barstewards! You waltz in here, flop your fat arse down in the chair,  you don't even say hello to me, or ask me how my day has been, and then you expect me to run around after you like your bleeding slave!
Don't you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron for you all day long, every day?

"The husband sighed, and said  "now It's started."