New Friday Joke thread!

[Mk5 GTian]

Wayne Rooney has been to see Fabrice Muamba in hospital; "It's great, he can almost string a sentence together" said Fabrice.

[Hedge]

Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Here is proof that they are wrong.

A year or so after giving birth a women will often say, "It would be nice to have another kid."

You never hear a guy say, "I would like another kick in the nuts."

Case closed!

[MC71]

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the a*s!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or a*s?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all sh*tty!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either." 

[Hedge]

While creating wives, God promised men that dutiful and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.

And then He made the earth round. 

[Mandy]

A couple my brother keeps telling me, 

* You can tell a lot about a person from their car.................

...... ie, if it's in a ditch, it's a woman's.


* Statistics show that 99% of car accidents are men's faults................

...... for letting women drive.

[VC]

your brother's a funny guy 

[Mandy]

Not sure if he's trying to tell me something...   

[vRS Carl]

Not sure if he's trying to tell me something...   

Having been in a car with you while your driving................


 

[VC]

I wouldn't say I was rich.

But I get my petrol delivered by the Royal mail.



If you are panic buying petrol...then there is 85% chance that you are a cnut.
If you are panic buying petrol AND own an Iphone ...then there is 100% chance that you are a MASSIVE CNUT!

Sent from my iPad

[Tamiyoman]

2 Dogs in a Vet's waiting room, 1st dog turns round to the other and says "What you in for mate?", 2nd dog replies "Well I live with a family and every sunday they have a roast, last week it was Beef!, I could smell it from the garden and I walked into the kitchen and there it was sitting on the worktop, I could not resist it so scoffed the lot!".

2nd dog asks 1st dog what is he in for?,  to which he replies "I live with a model, you may have heard of her, Claudia Schiffer, I have free roam of the house and I walked up the stairs and nudged open the bathroom door and there she was dripping wet bending over drying her ankles, he said I could not contain myself and wrapped my paws round her and gave her a right good seeing to!", 2nd dog asks "Your for the chop as well then?" to which 1st dog replies "Nah mate just here having my claws trimmed!" 

The old ones are the best 

[MC71]

A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!" The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He says, "No! This is her f**kng husband!"

 

[monte]

Probably a Pea Roast but here goes....

Two blokes sat next to each other at the Doctors.

One says to the other "What are you here for?"

He says, "well I'm getting circumcised"

The other guy says, "oh bloody hell, I had that done when I was born and I couldn't walk for 18mnths"!!!

 

[MC71]

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

 

[simonp]

Went in a pub the other night and there were these 2 fat birds at the bar chatting in a strange accent. I asked them "Excuse me, are you 2 ladies from Scotland?"

"Wales, you f***ing idiot!" one spat back.

"I do apologise, are you 2 whales from Scotland?"

[monte]

Went in a pub the other night and there were these 2 fat birds at the bar chatting in a strange accent. I asked them "Excuse me, are you 2 ladies from Scotland?"

"Wales, you f***ing idiot!" one spat back.

"I do apologise, are you 2 whales from Scotland?"

You never fail to impress Simon