New Friday Joke thread!

[stealthwolf]

A man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she Would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply send a post card and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the Child Support payment to begin.

About 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'You received a very strange postcard today,' she said.

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he replied. The Wife obeyed.

And watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.

Awaiting extra sauce

[Hedge]

There's an annual contest at Griffith University, Australia, calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.

This year's term was 'political correctness'.

The winning student wrote:
 
'Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and rapidly promoted by mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of sh*t by the clean end.."
 

[sub39h]

Spain 4 - 0 Italy

Nothing to do with the football, it's the number of jobs available in each country.

[Top Cat]

There's an annual contest at Griffith University, Australia, calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.

This year's term was 'political correctness'.

The winning student wrote:
 
'Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and rapidly promoted by mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of sh*t by the clean end.."
 

 

[Powervalve Nige]

Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac ?

....He lies awake in bed at night wondering if there's a Dog

[monte]

Received a text earlier...



Congratulations! You have won £250 of shopping vouchers

or

A night at an Elvis Presley tribute act.


To claim your prize, press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.....


 

[MC71]

My mate called round earlier. "I didn't know you had a dog," he said.

"Yeah, we got him about a week ago. Poor little sod had been abandoned."

"Abandoned? He said, "Who'd abandon a friendly little fella like him?"

"Makes you wonder doesn't it," I replied, "But some cruel bas**rd had just left him tied to a post outside the supermarket."

 

[sub39h]

a Higgs boson goes into a church. the priest says, "you're not allowed in here! you call yourself the God particle, and that's just heresy!"

the Higgs boson says, "but father, without me there would be no mass?"

(i'll get my coat)

[sub39h]

A Policeman pulled me over on the motorway.

He came to the window and said, "Papers," so I replied, "Scissors, I win," and drove off.

He must want a rematch, because he's been chasing me for f*cking miles now.

[MC71]

A big row has broken out in the Irish Olympic Synchronised Swimming Team, after Paddy accused Micky of copying him.

[monte]

I'VE just been stopped by a lady in the street conducting a survey.

She asked me what i knew about dwarfs.

I said ''Very little.''

 

[monte]

A woman finds his hubby in bed with a female midget!

Furious, she screams…... 'You promised you wouldn't cheat again!'

Husband says…… 'At least I've cut down!'

 

[monte]

One of my best friends Drowned last month.
At his funeral, I made the wreath look like a life saver rubber ring!!!


Well it's what he would have wanted!

[monte]

I bought a Christmas tree and the guy said...
"Are you gonna put it up yourself?"
I said...."No it's going in the living room"

[Apollo]

Just got this text message, not sure if it's a prank: " Congratulations! You have won £250 of shopping vouchers, or a night at an Elvis Presley tribute act. To claim your prize, press 1 for the money, 2 for the show...."