New Friday Joke thread!

[Hedge]

 

[monte]

Paddy is fitting a kitchen in a posh house when the woman asks him if he'd like something to drink.

Paddy accepts and soon after the woman brings him a mug of coffee.

"Excellent coffee," says Paddy.

"Thank you," says the woman. "My husband brought it back from Brazil"

"That's great," says Paddy, "can't believe it's still warm"

[Hedge]

Beer - by 7-year olds!

A handful of 7 year old children were asked 'What they thought of beer'. Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially good .

'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mum gets.'
--Tim, 7 years old

'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. '
--Mellanie, 7 years old

'My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
--Grady, 7 years old

''My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
--Toby, 7 years old

'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old

'My Dad loves beer.. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
--Lilly, 7 years old

'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
--Ethan, 7 years old

'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
--Shirley, 7 years old

AND THE BEST RESPONSE

'My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
--Jack, 7 years

[MC71]

A guy gets a job on a building site. On Monday morning he goes to the site office and then to the stores to pick up his work gear. He looks at the wellies and one has the letter "L" on, and the other has the letter "R" on. He says to the boss, "What does that mean?" The boss says "Left & Right!" The guy says "Wow, I often wondered why the wifes knickers had C&A on them!!!

[MC71]

Another one...

Two guys in a bar are discussing "positions" so one tells the other, "Well my favorite is the rodeo!" and the other says, "What's the rodeo?"

"well, first you get your wife down and start to do her doggy style, then when you're halfway done, you bend over and whisper in her ear, 'you know, this is your sister's favorite position too' and then try to hold on for 8 seconds!"

[MC71]

Yet another....

Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!" The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where t hey landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?" The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy...any guy who can wrap his dick around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, is someone you shouldn't mess with!"

[MC71]

And finally (for this Friday)....

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

[Kalpsn2000]

And finally (for this Friday)....

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

Brilliant hahaha!!!

[steevo134]

And finally (for this Friday)....

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

[Hedge]

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Every Fill-Up.'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and said that if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were very close, the lucky number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.' A week later, Paddy,with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up.

Again Paddy asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3, you were very close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex at all.'

Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.
My wife won twice last week.'

[monte]

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Every Fill-Up.'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and said that if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were very close, the lucky number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.' A week later, Paddy,with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up.

Again Paddy asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3, you were very close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex at all.'

Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.
My wife won twice last week.'

Brilliant 

[monte]

JJB s are now selling discounted Jimmy Saville tracksuits. 

The tops are adult size but you have to force yourself into kids bottoms...


 

[sub39h]

"I can't fit any appointments in today." said the dentist to the patient. "I already have 18 cavities to fill!"

He then picked up his golf bag, and left.

[monte]

Got the mrs a pug dog, for her Birthday 


Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat the dog seems to like her! 

[matsu]

JD Sports are doing Jimmy Saville memorial tracksuits..They have an adult size top but you have to squeeze into kids bottoms.

The wife was trying to be sexy last night, laid on the bed sliding her lollypop in and out of her fanny and then licking it. Steady love I said you'll need that in the morning to see the kids across the road!

When will these jimmy saville sex allegations ever end? Police are now saying jeremy beadle may have had a small hand in it.
Dear Jim,

Please could you fix it for the girl in my class who I really fancy to come on holiday with me.

Yours sincerely,
Jeremy Forrest, Age 30.