New Friday Joke thread!

[Hedge]

 

[Kalpsn2000]

"Go and have a look at the size of the sh*t I've just done in the bathroom!" I said to my wife.

"No thanks," she replied.

"Please, just one quick look," I said, "You won't believe it, it's a good two pounder."

Shaking her head in disbelief, she pinched her nose, ran in, looked down the toilet, then ran out and said, "There's nothing down there, you must've flushed it."

I said, "It's on the scales."

 

 

[Kalpsn2000]

Vids allowed? Well just had to:

[Mk5 GTian]

Why are Pirates called Pirates?






Because they ARRRR. 

Ha! 

[Hedge]

ROMANCE at its best

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text..............

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send
me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking,
send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. love you."



He replied.......”I am taking a sh*t. Please advise.”

[Hedge]

A man invites his mate back home for dinner.

His wife screams at him, "I've not done my hair, not done my make-up, not
done any housework, not done the dishes & can't be bothered with cooking!
What the f*ck did you invite him round for?"

"'Cos he's thinking of getting married."



Oooh! Nasty!

[Kalpsn2000]

^^^
Both are great

[Hedge]

This could well be a repost but.....

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"

"Feels great," he replied, "but I still think my thumb's broken!"

[Kalpsn2000]

^^^
I've heard that one before but still 

[Top Cat]

Logic of a beer drinker...



DIALOGUE BETWEEN A LADY INTERVIEWER WITH A MALE BEER DRINKER:



Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?


Man: Yes.


Lady Interviewer: How much a day?


Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.


Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?


Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.


Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?


Man: 15 years.


Lady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00, and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month. In one year, you would then be spending $10,800, correct?


Man: Correct.


Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000; correct?


Man: Correct.


Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?


Man: Do you drink?


Lady Interviewer: No.


Man: So where's your [Censored] in' Ferrari?

[Kalpsn2000]

^^^
 

[MC71]

Supposedly a true story from (where else) America.....


Two high school sweethearts were dating for four years in school, both were virgins and they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other at 16. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the boy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the young man would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she was seeing other boys. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. She became annoyed, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did is this.....

She took some Polaroid pictures of herself carrying out oral sex on various boyfriends she had met since moving away and sent them to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found some new boyfriends, now f*ck off and leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but more so, really p*ssed off and angry.

So, what he did next was great......

He wrote on the back of the photos the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, sucking as much c*ck as possible, please send more money, its needed!" and then he mailed the pictures to her parents.

 

[MC71]

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his  erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities....."Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."

[MC71]

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the country.

She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone.

Well these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking so they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over and the second country boy starts licking his butt.

 The women watches these two go at it and is grossed out. She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.

The country boy pulls his overalls back up and says to the other, "You're right Leroy, that hind-lick maneuver works like a charm."

[MC71]

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, ''You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?''

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. ''One day,'' he begins, ''I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.''

''No sh*t?'' says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

''Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'''

''Keep going!''

I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, ''You now have three wishes.''

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ''I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.'' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, ''What will be your second wish?''

''What next?'' begged the bartender.

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ''I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.'' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!

Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ''You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?''

I looked at her and replied, ''How 'bout a little head?''