New Friday Joke thread!

[Hedge]

What deep thinkers men are...

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so  I sat down and had a cold beer.The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the bollocks?

Women always maintain that giving birth is far more painful than a bloke getting kicked in the bollocks.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the bollocks is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a bloke say, "You know, I think I'd like another kick in the bollocks."

I rest my case. Time for another beer.

[Top Cat]

Have you just made that up yourself, it's crap. 

[Hedge]

[Top Cat]

I bought the wife a fridge for her birthday, I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

[Top Cat]

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London !"

[Top Cat]

Little Billy is walking down the road dragging his flattened frog on a piece of string behind him.

He walks up to the local brothel and taps the door, when the madam answers, he says,
“I want to have sex with your dirtiest girl who has lots of diseases; I have £500 to spend”.

The madam’s eyes light up and she says,
“That’ll be me then, but why do you want a disease?”

Little Billy says,
“Tonight, after Mum and Dad leave, my babysitter will shag me because she likes cute little boys. Later when Dad runs her home he’ll shag her in the lay-by. When he comes home and goes to bed, Mum will want a good seeing to and tomorrow when Dad goes off to work, Mum will shag the milkman………

And he’s the [Censored] who ran my frog over!”

[vRS Carl]

Little Billy is walking down the road dragging his flattened frog on a piece of string behind him.

He walks up to the local brothel and taps the door, when the madam answers, he says,
“I want to have sex with your dirtiest girl who has lots of diseases; I have £500 to spend”.

The madam’s eyes light up and she says,
“That’ll be me then, but why do you want a disease?”

Little Billy says,
“Tonight, after Mum and Dad leave, my babysitter will shag me because she likes cute little boys. Later when Dad runs her home he’ll shag her in the lay-by. When he comes home and goes to bed, Mum will want a good seeing to and tomorrow when Dad goes off to work, Mum will shag the milkman………

And he’s the [Censored] who ran my frog over!”

 

[Kalpsn2000]

Little Billy is walking down the road dragging his flattened frog on a piece of string behind him.

He walks up to the local brothel and taps the door, when the madam answers, he says,
“I want to have sex with your dirtiest girl who has lots of diseases; I have £500 to spend”.

The madam’s eyes light up and she says,
“That’ll be me then, but why do you want a disease?”

Little Billy says,
“Tonight, after Mum and Dad leave, my babysitter will shag me because she likes cute little boys. Later when Dad runs her home he’ll shag her in the lay-by. When he comes home and goes to bed, Mum will want a good seeing to and tomorrow when Dad goes off to work, Mum will shag the milkman………

And he’s the [Censored] who ran my frog over!”

 

[monte]

Just took the Mrs to the doctors to sort out her tourettes... Turns out she doesn't have it....
I am a c*^t and she does want me to f%#k off..

[doylebros]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little
perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud,'I wonder what happened to this parrot?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way.I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'

'I got every word,' says the parrot.'I happen to be a highly intelligent,
and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.
'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing,but since you asked,I
wrap my weenie around this wooden bar,like a little hook.You can't see it,
because of my feathers.'

'Wow,'says the guy.'You really can understand and can speak English, can't
you?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports,
physics, philosophy.I'm especially good at ornithology.You really ought to
buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the 200 quid price tag.

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is nobody wants
me, because I don't have any feet.You can probably get me for
20
quid. Just make the guy an offer.'

The guy offers 20 pounds and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.The parrot is sensational.He has a great sense of humour, he's
interesting,he's a great pal,he understands everything, he sympathizes,and
he's insightful.The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,'
and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife,
and the postman.'

'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.

'When he delivered a package today,your wife greeted him at the door, in a
sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT?!' the guy asks incredulously.

'Then what happened?'

'Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie,and began petting
her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him?'

'Yes.Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and
began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

'Dunno? I got an erection and fell off my perch.'

[monte]

I went to  the doctor's surgery the other day and found out that my new doctor  is a young female and drop-dead  gorgeous!   
   
I  was embarrassed, but she said,

"Don't worry, I'm  a Professional I've seen it all  before Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out."

I said,

"My wife thinks my dick tastes funny."
 

[MC71]

^^^^ 

[phil1975]

Paddy, the  electrician, got sacked from the U.S.  prison service for not servicing the electric  chair..
He said in his professional  opinion it was a death trap!!!


apologies couldn't wait till Friday.

[Kalpsn2000]

I went to  the doctor's surgery the other day and found out that my new doctor  is a young female and drop-dead  gorgeous!   
   
I  was embarrassed, but she said,

"Don't worry, I'm  a Professional I've seen it all  before Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out."

I said,

"My wife thinks my dick tastes funny."
 

 

[doylebros]

I know it's early but it did make me laugh so here goes:-

In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as:

"I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i"

rather than

"I've just buggered a 14 year old escort"