Make a donation

Author Topic: New Friday Joke thread!  (Read 148708 times)

Offline stealthwolf

  • Just look at my post count
  • ******
  • Thank You
  • -Given: 306
  • -Receive: 291
  • Posts: 7836
  • ED30 No.1412
    • Email
Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #855 on: July 14, 2014, 04:44:32 pm »
I picked up an older woman at a club last night. She was hot, for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a conversation & she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double?

I said I'm not sure what that was. She said a mother and daughter threesome?


Daughter has to be really hot. We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night. I said that sounds great, let's go! We went back to her place. She put the hall light on & and shouted upstairs:

"Mum, are you still awake?"

The GTI isn't just a machine. It's very much a living, breathing thing.

Offline stealthwolf

  • Just look at my post count
  • ******
  • Thank You
  • -Given: 306
  • -Receive: 291
  • Posts: 7836
  • ED30 No.1412
    • Email
Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #856 on: July 15, 2014, 01:28:19 pm »

A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young man answered "Eye, hods, I was a canny salesman back in Lemington."

The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked
"OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

The Geordie said "Just the one, Marra."

The manager groaned ..."Just one?
Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?

"£124,237.64" replied the Geordie.

The manager choked and exclaimed "£124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?"

"Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a booat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"

"Ner, nah......he came in here to buy a box of Tampax for his ladyfriend and I said ''Well, since ya weekend's focked, ya might as well gan fishin..."

The GTI isn't just a machine. It's very much a living, breathing thing.

Offline sub39h

  • Just look at my post count
  • ******
  • Thank You
  • -Given: 189
  • -Receive: 84
  • Posts: 1719
Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #857 on: July 15, 2014, 04:16:55 pm »
 :congrats:
2006 Phantom Black A3 2.0T S-Line
DSG | Rear Parking Sensors | MFSW | BOSE | Auto lights/wipers | Half leather
MODS : '09 tail lights | TT vents | Bilstein B14 | RNS-E 2010 | AMI | AKS Tuning custom CAI | Titanium BBS VZs | NQS BBK | WALK | Autotech RARB | Bluemotion aero | Blueflame TBE | Autotech HPFP | MY11 Wing Mirrors | Bluetooth | S3 Intercooler
PLANS: Stage 2+

Offline doylebros

  • Just look at my post count
  • ******
  • Thank You
  • -Given: 44
  • -Receive: 309
  • Posts: 2775
Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #858 on: July 28, 2014, 08:54:38 pm »
A Brisbane couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an  elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.



When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..'



He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.



The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.



This happens several weeks in a row



The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.



Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'



The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.



She's married; so we can't go to her house.



I'm married; and we can't go to my house.



The Holiday Inn charges $98.



The Hilton charges $139.



We do it here for $50, and



Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.

Offline doylebros

  • Just look at my post count
  • ******
  • Thank You
  • -Given: 44
  • -Receive: 309
  • Posts: 2775
Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #859 on: July 28, 2014, 08:55:19 pm »

A Women’s Survey on Sizes

"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was ending, he turned into a butterfly." Proverb
 
Women's response to:
 
2 inches - I can't even hold it.
 
3 inches - Never been so unsatisfied

4 inches- I've had bigger than it ...

5 inches- Good, but I wish a bit bigger!
 
6 inches- perfect.
 
7 inches-Love it.
 
8 inches - Wow, but can’t have it all.
 
9 inches - Painful but manageable.
 
10 inches- Too much pressure on stomach.
 
This survey was Customers' Feedback on different SIZES of Subway Sandwiches.
But I love the way you think!
 
 

Offline Top Cat

  • Top cat
  • Just look at my post count
  • ******
  • Thank You
  • -Given: 171
  • -Receive: 335
  • Posts: 8196
  • Almost Jacamo
Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #860 on: July 29, 2014, 09:20:03 am »
I've just been hit over the head with an electric drill.

I was minding my own business, then all of a sudden - BOSCH

Offline rich83

  • Just look at my post count
  • ******
  • Thank You
  • -Given: 165
  • -Receive: 802
  • Posts: 13444
    • MK5 Golf GTI
  • My Ride: https://www.mk5golfgti.co.uk/forum/index.php?PHPSESSID=o8t9hpe5dmo5tqc3v86o0ltbp5&/topic,19740.0.html
Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #861 on: July 29, 2014, 10:09:51 am »
I've just been hit over the head with an electric drill.

I was minding my own business, then all of a sudden - BOSCH


Offline doylebros

  • Just look at my post count
  • ******
  • Thank You
  • -Given: 44
  • -Receive: 309
  • Posts: 2775
Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #862 on: August 16, 2014, 06:25:51 am »
Today's word is................. Fluctuations


I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke....

I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in
front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller,
"Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.Today I only get hunat
eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

Offline rich83

  • Just look at my post count
  • ******
  • Thank You
  • -Given: 165
  • -Receive: 802
  • Posts: 13444
    • MK5 Golf GTI
  • My Ride: https://www.mk5golfgti.co.uk/forum/index.php?PHPSESSID=o8t9hpe5dmo5tqc3v86o0ltbp5&/topic,19740.0.html
Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #863 on: August 16, 2014, 11:18:54 am »
 :laugh:

Offline Frenzy

  • Won't Shut up.
  • *****
  • Thank You
  • -Given: 62
  • -Receive: 29
  • Posts: 653
Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #864 on: August 16, 2014, 12:44:59 pm »
v. good  :signLOL:

Offline doylebros

  • Just look at my post count
  • ******
  • Thank You
  • -Given: 44
  • -Receive: 309
  • Posts: 2775
Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #865 on: August 29, 2014, 05:52:27 pm »
The Ultimate in Suicide Counselling
– bet she changes her mind

A woman was standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off.

A homeless drunk stopped and mumbled,
"If you're about to kill yourself, how about a shag before you go?"

The woman was angry and said,
"No! F**k off you filthy old bast**d."

The tramp turned to leave and said,
"No problems, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."

Offline doylebros

  • Just look at my post count
  • ******
  • Thank You
  • -Given: 44
  • -Receive: 309
  • Posts: 2775
Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #866 on: September 07, 2014, 11:22:40 am »
Paddy takes his goldfish to the vet and says' I think it has epilepsy?' Vet replies ' it looks fine to me?'.              Paddy says ' yes but wait till I take it out the bowl....'

Offline Frenzy

  • Won't Shut up.
  • *****
  • Thank You
  • -Given: 62
  • -Receive: 29
  • Posts: 653
Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #867 on: September 07, 2014, 11:56:30 am »
i LOL'd in a chuckling way  :grin:

Offline doylebros

  • Just look at my post count
  • ******
  • Thank You
  • -Given: 44
  • -Receive: 309
  • Posts: 2775
Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #868 on: September 15, 2014, 09:26:03 pm »
I've wrote a book called my permanently exposed penis,


It's out now,

Offline doylebros

  • Just look at my post count
  • ******
  • Thank You
  • -Given: 44
  • -Receive: 309
  • Posts: 2775
Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #869 on: September 23, 2014, 01:52:44 pm »
Jennifer, a manager at the Sunshine Coast Council, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.


After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified.


Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.


Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.


The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked,


'What is the fastest thing you know of?

'The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head.

There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened.


A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.

''Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.


'She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch.


When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep,

TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'


Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man.


'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,'she said.


Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.


''WHAT ! ?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

 

'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could

THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already sh*t myself.

'Wally is now working at the Sunshine Coast Council.