New Friday Joke thread!

[Hedge]

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest hooker, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."


The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson ..

And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Kevin's hooker."

[rich83]

A group of English chaps, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for a reunion lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet, and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.

[doylebros]

According to the Bible, Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Palestine.

A country where people are named Mohammed, Abdul, Mounir, Aziz, Ahmed, Farid, Omar, Youssouf, Mouloud, etc.

And yet He managed to find 12 friends called John, Peter, Paul, Phillip, Mark, Thomas, Luke, Mathew, Andrew and Simon ...... who all drank wine!


Now that's what I call a bloody miracle!!!

[doylebros]

BAD Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.


Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

[bakili]

Sent from my iPhone

[Hedge]

The lawyer says, "I have good news and bad news."

The CEO replies: "I've had an awful day, let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer says, "Your wife invested $20,000 in five pictures that are worth a minimum of $2 million."

The CEO replies enthusiastically, "Well done, that is very good news indeed! You've made my day; now what is the bad news?"

The lawyer answers, "They are pictures of you in bed with your secretary!"

[doylebros]

A teacher asks her class "Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood's girlfriend?"

Little Paddy raises his hand and says "Yes Miss, it's Trudy Glen."

"No Paddy, the answer is Maid Marion."

"But Miss, what about the song? Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding Trudy Glen."

[ukshocker]

Nice one stealthwolf
2006 2.0 FSi GT

[doylebros]

A young lady walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees the bloke who had his wicked way with her the previous evening, after they had met in a pub.

He was stacking washing powder boxes onto the shelves.   "You lying toad" she yells, "last night you told me you were a stunt pilot".

"No" he says "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team".
 

[doylebros]

 

Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.

Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car

comes to a stop.

 

Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur:  'You get out

and check - you were driving."

 

'The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

 

'You were driving; go and tell the farmer, ' says Cherie.

 

Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled

with a big grin on his face.

 

'My goodness, what happened to you?' asks Cherie.

 

The chauffeur replies: ' When I got there, the farmer opened his best

bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me. '

 

'What on earth did you say?' asks Cherie.

 




' I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them: ' I'm Cherie Blair's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.

[doylebros]

*A man went to Harley Street in London , having seen an advert for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.*
 
Knowing that nowadays, job advertisers aren't able to discriminate against the applicant's gender, he was very interested, so he went in and asked the secretary for details.

She retrieved the file and read to him: "This job entails preparing ladies for the Gynaecologist. You will be responsible for helping them out of their underwear, laying them down and carefully washing their private areas, applying shaving foam to the necessary parts and removing all  unwanted foliage, and finally, you'll be required to rub in soothing  oils, in preparation for the Gynaecologist's examination.”

Then she told him “The annual salary is £65,000 but if you're  interested, you'll have to go to Aberdeen " .

"My goodness!", exclaimed the man, "Is that where the job is?".
 
 
 

She answered, "No , that's where the end of the queue is..."

[doylebros]

A man and a woman were  sitting beside each other in the first class section of an  airplane..
           
The woman sneezed,  took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly  shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back  to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed  again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently  once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold,  the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more  minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.. As before,  she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more  than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man  turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that  you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered  violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you,  I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have  an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was  still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before"  he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"


 

 

 

 


The woman  nodded, "Pepper."

 

 

[JimmyC92]

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jills fanny, but Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock, as Jill's a f*ckin' tranny!

[simonp]

*A man went to Harley Street in London , having seen an advert for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.*
 
Knowing that nowadays, job advertisers aren't able to discriminate against the applicant's gender, he was very interested, so he went in and asked the secretary for details.

She retrieved the file and read to him: "This job entails preparing ladies for the Gynaecologist. You will be responsible for helping them out of their underwear, laying them down and carefully washing their private areas, applying shaving foam to the necessary parts and removing all  unwanted foliage, and finally, you'll be required to rub in soothing  oils, in preparation for the Gynaecologist's examination.”

Then she told him “The annual salary is £65,000 but if you're  interested, you'll have to go to Aberdeen " .

"My goodness!", exclaimed the man, "Is that where the job is?".
 
 
 

She answered, "No , that's where the end of the queue is..."

Did that one back in 2012. See page 27. 

[rich83]

Two bee keepers . . . And one says, "How many bees have you got?"
And he says, "I've got 10,000 bees.”
He says, "How many hives have you got?"
He says, "I've got 20 hives".
“20 hives; 10,000 bees?"
He says, "Yeah.”

He says, “How may bees have you got?"
He says, “I've got a million bees.”
“A million bees?!"
He says, "Yeah."
He says, "How many hives have you got?"
"One."

"A million bees - one hive?”
He goes, "Yeah, f**k 'em.”