New Friday Joke thread!

[stealthwolf]

 

[DaveB@Vagbremtechnic]

A bloke and his mate are on the golf course, the bloke just placed his ball and is looking down the fairway when on the road he see's a funeral cortege......

Bloke: " Hang on a minute mate"

The bloke removes his cap and lowers his head and stands on the tee........the funeral cortege passes.....

Mate: " Bloody Hell buddy, I've known you for 40 years and never known anything get in the way of your golf, that was very touching"

Bloke: "Yeh I know, but we were married for 40 years"

[matsu]

  lmao
matsu

[Greeners]

ZEN TEACHINGS
 
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
 
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
 
If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
 
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
 
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
 
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
 
If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
 
Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
 
Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.
 
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
 
There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
 
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
 
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
 
We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse .... then things just keep getting worse.
 
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[cmdrfire]

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

 

[Hedge]

Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since High School.
They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Rachel arrives first, wearing camel Versace. She orders a bottle of chilled chablis.
Clare arrives shortly afterwards, in grey Chanel. After the required ritualised kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of chablis.
Then Sam walks in, wearing a faded old Barbour anorak, blue jeans and Wellington boots. She too shares the wine.

Rachel explains that after leaving school and graduating from Oxford in Classics she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London's leading law firms.
They live in a 4000 sq ft house in North London, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in the hills above Monte Carlo.

Clare graduated from King's College and became a Consultant Gynaecologist. Her husband, Clive, is a leading A&E Consultant. They live in Dulwich and have a second home in Florida.

Sam explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ben. They run a tropical birdpark in Norfolk and grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand four parrots, side by side, on his willy.

Half way down the third bottle of chablis, several hours later, Rachel blurts out that her husband isn't Tim, he's Tom and he's a clerk for Islington Council. They live in a terraced house in Muswell Hill and keep a caravan in France.

Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are nurses in King's College. They live in Herne Hill and have a timeshare in Orlando.

Samantha admits that the fourth parrot has to stand on one leg.

[stealthwolf]

In Norfolk, they are thinking of decreasing the VAT to 11%.

At least then they can work it out on their fingers.

[stealthwolf]

Pope Benedict is on a pastoral visit in Europe and after arrival at his destination His Holiness approaches a limo driver at the airport for a lift.
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning...

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile...

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph.. (Remember, the Pope is German..)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my licence -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo travelling at 155 kph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the Mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' An Ambassador?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'No even bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

[stealthwolf]

Little Millie comes home from school and tells her Mum: "Charlie Brown showed me his willy at school today"
Before Mum has a chance to freak out Millie adds: "It reminded me of a peanut!"
Mum relaxes and laughs, says: "Really small, was it?"
"No, says Millie, really salty!"

(Mum faints)

[stealthwolf]

Apologies for this one in advance:



Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

THERE'S MORE....

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy, watch dis," Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"

IT'S NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

"Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting.... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"

[stealthwolf]

Michael Barrymore has been found dead in his Essex mansion with chocolate round his bum. George Michael has been arrested for being careless with a Wispa.

[Hedge]

As I am busy tomorrow.

This is called "Living the Dream"

[Greeners]

Bet he doesn't let anyone out from a side track!! 

[Hedge]

Bet he doesn't let anyone out from a side track!! 

No indicators either. 

[matsu]

While I was driving down the M4 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been)I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait.

The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk, asked:

"Runway too short?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

To which he asked, "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The copper was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."
     
Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

 

Speeding ticket: £105.00 and 3 points
Court costs: £45
Look on copper's face: Priceless.

 
 
matsu