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Author Topic: New Friday Joke thread!  (Read 149035 times)

Offline mad_pete

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #330 on: March 15, 2012, 12:28:49 pm »
Excellent :-)

Offline stealthwolf

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #331 on: March 15, 2012, 03:03:28 pm »
34 Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
How very poignant, Ian!

The GTI isn't just a machine. It's very much a living, breathing thing.

Offline rich83

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #332 on: March 15, 2012, 03:06:33 pm »
Quote
34 Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go (and then return under several alias')
How very poignant, Ian!

Hah

Offline Mk5 GTian

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #333 on: March 15, 2012, 06:26:42 pm »
Two Aussie cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar.
 
One asked, "What are you up to, Mate?"

Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."

"Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?"

"Ah, probably the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."

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Offline Mk5 GTian

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #334 on: March 15, 2012, 06:29:09 pm »
A passenger plane traveling to California is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean.

The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive. After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores.
Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on.

Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is...its Kylie Minogue!

Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love. One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face.

She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong. "Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feeling there's something missing."

Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do anything".
"Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"
"OK"
"And my trousers?"
"OK"
At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips. "OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way."
"OK dear, whatever will make you happy."
So off they set. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:

"Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging'!!

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Offline simonp

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #335 on: March 15, 2012, 06:41:13 pm »
Two Aussie cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar.
 
One asked, "What are you up to, Mate?"

Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."

"Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?"

"Ah, probably the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."


Am I being a bit thick? I don't geddit...

Offline VC

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #336 on: March 15, 2012, 07:10:04 pm »
Root is an Aussie slang for shag  :wink:

Offline simonp

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #337 on: March 15, 2012, 09:10:18 pm »
Well now I know... it's still not funny!

Offline VC

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #338 on: March 15, 2012, 09:18:40 pm »
 :signLOL:

Offline simonp

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #339 on: March 15, 2012, 10:02:17 pm »
A bloke phones up his local council office and says "I've just raped a fat ginger bird". The council woman says "You should phone the police to confess". The man replies "I don't want to confess, I want you to fix the lights in the park!"

Offline Hedge

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #340 on: March 15, 2012, 10:03:13 pm »
 :signLOL:

Offline simonp

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #341 on: March 15, 2012, 10:07:29 pm »
In my house we are very honest with our children, so when my 8 year old daughter asked "Dad, how much does a prostitute charge to suck a willy?" I replied "About £40"

She then asked me "And how much is a packet of Haribo?" I answered "About £1" She said "F*** me, Uncle Paul is ripping me right off!"

Offline Hedge

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #342 on: March 15, 2012, 10:36:59 pm »
 :signLOL:

Offline MC71

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #343 on: March 15, 2012, 10:51:30 pm »
There were four guys going on a road trip and they were driving through the desert. While they were driving the car broke down and they needed to jump start the car.They saw a farm in the distance down the road and so they walked to the farm. As they got near the front door a old man jumps out pointing a shotgun at them saying" what are you doing here on my property" they say" our car broke down and we need to jump start it" the old man laughs and says" if you want to survive run to the back and get the first fruit you see and come back, you got 20 seconds and don't even think about running away okay GO!" they ran to the back and got fruits. One guy comes back with a apple and the old man tells him to take of his pants and he will stuff the fruit up his arse and if he laughs he will shoot him. he laughs and the man shoots him. Next guy come with a cucumber and the old man says" i said fruit" and shoots him too. The next guy comes with a cherry and the old man says if he laughs when he stuffs the fruit up his ass he will kill him. He laughs and the old man kills him. In heaven the three of them talk about why they laughed, they noticed that the forth guy had survived and the last guy was still laughing. They asked him " Why are you still laughing?" " Because i saw him running up with a watermelon!".
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Offline simonp

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Re: New Friday Joke thread!
« Reply #344 on: March 15, 2012, 10:53:20 pm »
A man and a woman are driving down a road in opposite directions. As they pass each other the man shouts out the window "FAT COW", Woman shouts out window"F*** OFF, YOU WANKER!" She then turns the corner, crashes into a huge cow and dies... Moral of story? if only women would bloody listen!